


Re-Wired

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Series: Re-Wired universe [1]
Category: The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, the Boosh film
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-01 01:47:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 116,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12145983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: Noel and Julian try and find their way back to each other. Or, alternatively, the life and times of the Boosh as told through the process of making the long-awaited film.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is finished (I’m editing one more time as I post each chapter). I’ll be posting every Friday and Tuesday for around three weeks. It’s bloody epic, so thought I’d space its posting out. 
> 
> This story is told in the ‘present’ as in 2016/17 ish as the boys start work on the film. But, there’s also a lot of flashback to earlier in their career. I’ve shown when we’re about to go back through this “^^^^” - the textual equivalent of a wavy screen. Almost all of the flashback are based on things we know actually happened (barring a couple which should be fairly obvious).
> 
> Enjoy! Hit me up on tumblr if you have any questions or comments or just wanna chat Noelian @agarlandoffreshlycuttears
> 
> Undying thanks, gratitude and love to cabinet-captain for her beta reading, support and encouragement. This would not be finished and almost certainly not posted without her. THANK YOU

**Chapter One**

 

The buzzing startled him to wakefulness all at once. He blinked, his hand groping for his phone where it was lying on the nightstand. He knocked his half-full glass of water, making him swear as it sloshed onto his hand.

 

His struggled to keep his eyes open as he squinted at the screen. Fielding. His foggy brain was momentarily confused, transported back years where this was a weekly, if not daily, occurrence. Hundreds of conversations where he was huddled in the dark of his room while Noel was out and wrapped in the haze of nocturnal London. 

 

"Noel?" He grunted as he answered, dragging himself from bed and walking from the room. 

 

The other end was silent for long enough that Julian thought it might be a pocket dial and felt embarrassed before Noel spoke. "Julian?" 

 

"Noel?" Julian smiled, imagining them trapped in a perpetual circle of checking the other was there. 

 

"Didn't think you'd answer, you don't normally." So it was one of _those_ calls. It had been years since the last drunken call accusing him of some unknown crime. Of not being good enough. Of destroying things he was trying to keep together with bleeding fingernails. Julian drew breath to finish the call before it started. Despite the length of time since the last one, he wasn’t ready for another one. "There wasn't an ending." 

 

There were plenty of endings, he thought. Too many. After, a brief pause, he settled for, "Noel, are you on something right now?" 

 

"No," Noel said shortly, like the accusation was crazy. "I mean, I've been out."

 

Julian nodded even though Noel couldn't see him; he could hear the drink in Noel’s voice, making it slower and lisping. He hated these moments. When it was clearer than ever how far the distance was between them. It didn't seem to matter that it had been years since their last fight like this, it might as well have been yesterday. A helpless sadness and resentment flooded his stomach. Surprised by its vehemence, he scowled. "What do you want?" he snapped, voice clipped and tight. He knew how much Noel hated that voice and felt a nervous pang at how quickly he’d slipped into it. 

 

But Noel hardly reacted, as though he hadn't heard. "An ending. Howard and Vince, they're stuck. I want..." Noel sighed heavily. "We left them all angry and bitter and they didn't deserve that. They deserve an ending." 

 

"What are you talking about?" he rubbed a hand over his eyes, looking up at the clock on the kitchen wall. Two in the morning. Early by some of these calls' standards. 

 

"We should do a movie." Noel announced. He sounded clearer than Julian had first suspected he might. He was clearly drunk but not completely out of it.

 

Nevertheless, Julian huffed a laugh. "Are you kidding me?" 

 

Noel let out an impatient sigh. "Look, Barratt," he said, using a tone that he'd taken years to grow into: authoritative and sure. "I let you walk away from a lot of stuff. That first tour. The album. Breaking America. You owe-" he cut himself off abruptly. "You owe Howard and Vince this." 

 

He hadn't been expecting that ending and it cut off his angry retort before he could voice it. There was a long pause while he opened and closed his mouth a few times. "They're fictional," was all he could think of to say. 

 

"They gave us everything," Noel replied. "They were always there when we needed them. They deserve an ending. A happy one." 

 

It was the most absurd thing he'd ever heard. But, like most absurd things that Noel Fielding said to him, it slotted into his brain exactly. It gave voice to something that he hadn't been aware of ever thinking before, but was quite certain it was also his own thoughts. 

 

"Are you calling me at two in the morning on a Tuesday to demand that I write a Boosh movie with you?" he said in the end. "A movie that would be about ten years too late for anyone to care about, let alone get funding for?"

 

He wasn't sure why he tried to use rational arguments. It had never worked. Not in the fifteen years they'd worked together. But apparently slipping back into their usual patterns was too entrenched to avoid. He waited for the usual retort that Julian was being a grumpy, Northern, git that needed to live a little. 

 

"I don't care about that," Noel said after a moment. "I don't care if no one in the world ever sees it. I don't care if everyone sees it and they all universally agree it's the worst thing ever made. We abandoned Howard and Vince and they need us." 

 

Julian didn't know how to argue with that so he stayed quiet. 

 

"They deserve a happy ending, Julian, and you're going to help me give it to them." Noel's voice was soft and certain. 

 

Julian was hardly backed into a corner. He had several options. He could tell Noel to fuck off and hang up. It would drive them just a little further apart. They didn't have many fights left in them and Julian's heart still constricted painfully at the thought of losing their relationship entirely. 

 

The second option was to make a joke; distract Noel until the conversation moved on and he could pretend it hadn't happened. But that was a delaying tactic at best, when Noel was in this mood. He'd clearly been thinking about it a lot, he wouldn't have called like this otherwise. They'd spent years constructing carefully built walls between them, designed to protect themselves from conversations like this that just hurt and never went anywhere. He wouldn't be threatening to disrupt that unless he couldn't let the idea go. And Noel was nothing if not determined when an idea wouldn’t leave him alone. It was moods like this one that had driven them on when Julian's self-doubt and fear made him want to give up. It was why there'd started working together in the first place: Noel had just followed him around until Julian gave in and agreed to hang out. 

 

The same went for offering a platitude by promising to think about it once his next project was done. _He’d think about it then. Just give him some time._ But Noel had given him time. A decade of it and it was running out. He needed to speak.

 

"Okay," he heard himself say instead of what he was expecting. He blinked. He was sure he was going to politely mention some other films he was interested in and that he needed to concentrate on them for now. 

 

"Okay?" Noel sounded small and young and so, so far away. 

 

"I mean, okay." That hopeful voice reminded him of when they'd first met, of the time he’d asked Noel to open at a gig he was headlining. Julian swallowed passed a lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "Look, I'm not promising we'll make it, right? I mean, we're probably a decade too late for this. No one is going to want to see a geriatric singing stupid songs." Julian forced himself to stop the spiral of self-doubt. They could talk about it when Noel was sober and not sounding like he did so long ago. He sighed. "We can write a treatment, yeah? See if iPlayer or something might be interested in it. Amstell did that for his vegan thing." 

 

Noel huffed. "Are you joking? This is getting a cinema release. I'm seeing us on the big screen if it kills us." He'd clearly started speaking without thinking about it, slipping back into their usual positions - his eternal optimism to Julian's chronic pessimism - because when he spoke again he was back to quiet and sad. Only this time it was tinged with hope. "You mean it, though? We can try it?"

 

Julian closed his eyes. "We can try it." 

 

"Ju, it's going to be genius." He could hear Noel's smile over the phone.It made his chest hurt worse than the idea of them fighting.

 

"Now, go to sleep yeah? Work to do." It was what he'd always said to try and calm Noel down when he was high on an idea. It added to the surreal nature of the call, making him suddenly wonder if he was actually still asleep. 

 

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely," Noel said, still sounding pleased. 

 

"Night Noel." Julian had taken the phone away from his ear to end the call when he heard Noel speak again. 

 

"Ju!" 

 

"Yeah?" 

 

"You mean it, right? You'll really try and make this happen with me?" 

 

God, Noel really meant it. Something like panic settled in his stomach. It was definitely not going to work. But he couldn't bear to say so to Noel. Not again. Not now. "Yeah, little man, I mean it." 

 

"Little man," Noel echoed, almost to himself. "Alright. Night Julian. Call me tomorrow, yeah?" 

 

"Night Noel." Julian hung up and stared at his phone for a long time. 

 

***

 

Noel surfaced from sleep slowly, everything feeling heavy and fuzzy as he blinked his eyes open. He lay still for a moment, waiting. He took a slow inventory.  Clearly he was on the way to a hangover, his stomach roiled unhappily and there was a pressure building in his temples. Still, it could be worse. 

 

There was something nagging at him, though. A slow feeling of dread was rolling towards him. Beer fear kicking in early. He frowned, trying to work out if he even wanted to know. He turned his head and found his phone lying on the pillow next to his head.

 

Julian. "Shit," he muttered. He didn't need to look to know what his call list would say. "Fuck it." 

 

He'd been doing so well. It'd been over a year at least since he'd called Julian when he was drunk. He hated himself whenever it happened. Never sure if it was worse when his calls were ignored or answered. Never sure what he really wanted to happen and feeling empty and sad that he couldn't get it. But he'd been getting better. His fingers had stopped itching to call whenever he had more than a couple of drinks. He didn't need to leave his phone at home or distract himself with sex or drugs or both until he forgot about it. Maybe it was being dumped again.

 

Or maybe it was the dreams. Stupid ghosts appearing constantly and not letting him rest. His dreams had always been weird, even before he'd started taking hallucinogens. But lately he couldn't go a couple of days without dreaming about them. 

 

Howard and Vince. Stuck in the back of Naboo's shop. Calling and calling for help, unable to get out. Sometimes they'd been murdered, their gruesome bodies left on the floor in awful poses. Sometimes they'd just be huddled together, sad and alone. It broke his heart. He tried to paint them away but that seemed to make it worse.

 

He wondered about trying to suppress the memories of the call. He knew for sure that Julian had answered this one. But it sprung almost fully formed into his head. He frowned. 

 

Julian had agreed. Which couldn't be right. Of course it could have been a platitude to get him off the phone. Only that wasn't really Julian's style. Not with him. At least it hadn't been. Maybe it was different now. It's not as though they really knew each other anymore. 

 

"Pull yourself together, star man, for fuck sake," he said aloud. He didn't want to spend another morning beating himself up about his inability to keep someone's attention for more than a couple of years. Least of all Julian.

 

He crawled out of bed and went to the kitchen to locate caffeine. Once the kettle was on, he leant against the counter, waiting and looking out of the window. 

 

He'd said yes. He didn't have to. He knew Julian had been working fairly consistently for the last few years. He didn't need the money. Or a distraction. But he'd said yes anyway. 

 

Maybe Howard and Vince had been bugging him too, in their own way. Haunting his guitar or something. Perhaps he'd just sounded too pathetic to say no to. He tried to shake off the embarrassment by focusing completely on making tea. He breathed deep. 

 

The movie had been 'in the works' since they'd started working together. It just had never gotten off the ground. There was always something more urgent. Something more "realistic" to concentrate on. They'd talk about it sometimes. In the early days, tucked up together in Julian's bed, painting out their dreams about what a movie could be. Then, later, sat across tables from each other in offices rented to help manage the Boosh empire. He tried not to think of the last time they'd tried to write it. It was the sort of memory that threatened a week-long binge in a bid to forget it again. So why now? What was different? 

 

He told himself that it didn't matter. Julian wanted to try and Noel had always wanted to do a movie. Besides, maybe the dreams would stop if he at least tried. It's what he'd told himself as he'd called Julian last night; he was just trying to get the dreams to stop. He'd never believed that he'd say yes. There wasn't a possible way he could see it ending well. They'd just end up back where they were ten years ago.

 

But, it was what he'd wanted, right? He'd wanted them to try one last time. He'd dragged them into it now and he wasn't going to be the one to back out. Not if Julian really meant it. Besides, he couldn't bear to hear the lack of surprise tinged with disappointment from Julian when Noel told him he couldn't do it. 

 

No. There wasn't anything left to do now but style it out. That was his fucking life story in a nutshell. Styling out a series of colossal fuck ups. 

 

He knew this final try at working together would be it. It would almost certainly be the end of their relationship. They'd barely got through the last tour intact and although they’d cobbled together a sort of friendship from the ruins, it wasn’t the same. It mostly just hurt and felt wrong. But when it fell apart this time it would be the final ending. It was probably a good thing. He needed to move on. It had been twenty years. It was time. Besides, it was only his heart. He could put that on the line again, what was left of the ragged, beating thing in his chest. He hardly needed it now; single again at 44, he wasn’t sure what use it was anyway.

 

For this he could do it. For Howard and Vince. 

 

He jumped when his phone buzzed.

 

He stared at the screen. Julian. Well, it was really happening. Julian wouldn't be calling to back out. More likely he was calling his bluff. He steeled himself before picking up his phone. 

 

"Alright?" he said, bringing the phone to his ear. 

 

"Noel," Julian sounded surprised, which was odd given that he was the one who had called. Maybe it was at himself for actually doing it. 

 

"Hey," Noel said, trying to sound upbeat and excited. He needed to get himself worked up if he was going to pull them through this thing. His enthusiasm was legendary. It could make Julian grin and churn through work even on his most grumpy of days. Even when he was sure they couldn't do what was set out before them. 

 

And the thing was, Noel knew they could do it. They would be able to make something great. They'd actually made movies now for one thing. Well, Julian had, and Noel had acted in some. But that was basically the same thing. Their ability wasn't in question. 

 

It was them. Their relationship that was the issue. Or rather Noel's ability to not fuck it up by being needy and wanting more than he could have. And then being a selfish prick when he couldn't. Or Julian's to stick at something for more than five minutes after it got hard. 

 

"So, you asked me to call." Julian sounded awkward. Which while not unusual, Noel hated when it was directed at him.

 

"Yeah, absolutely.” He winced at his over the top enthusiasm and hoped it didn’t seem insincere.  “So, a treatment yeah?” he said, trying to rush the conversation on. “When are you free to start sketching it out?" 

 

Julian paused, perhaps surprised at Noel's direct request. Maybe he'd hoped he would have forgotten their call. 

 

"I mean," Julian paused and Noel imagined him thumbing through a diary. Julian would have one of those big paper ones, filled with things he'd still forget to do. "I guess we could meet later in the week? You could come round-" 

 

"No!" he said quickly, feeling panicked. He didn't want to go to Julian's, it felt like giving ground in a war. Besides, he didn't want Julian comfortable and in his normal life. It would make it harder to convince him it could work. "We should get an office." That sounded professional, reasonable even. "I can get one from Mad Cow."

 

"No." It was Julian's turn to sound firm. "I don't want anyone knowing we're working on this. It'll get out and... I just don't think it's worth it yet." 

 

It stung even though he knew it was sensible. That was a Julian speciality: making him feel small and worthless without even trying. He gripped his tea tightly, the heat starting to burn his hand. He breathed slowly through his nose. "Okay, I could, like, rent a flat or something. Just somewhere we could have some space. I won't even let them know it's for me." 

 

"Just for a day?" Julian sounded sceptical, but there was no reason for him to argue so he didn't. 

 

"Yeah, why not? If it's nice I can have myself a little holiday after. It'll be fun," he added, suddenly remembering he was trying to make it sound light-hearted and appealing. 

 

"Okay," Julian said after a long pause. "So, Tuesday next week?" 

 

"Can we make it Wednesday?" He didn't have anything on Tuesday, but Julian making all the decisions was starting to grate on him. 

 

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine." Julian sounded a bit lost. Noel could relate. They'd never been like this with each other before. The tone was coolly professional and oddly distant, like they hardly knew each other. Which, maybe they didn't really.  Not anymore. 

 

There was a lump in his throat. "Cool," he said around it. "I'll look into something." 

 

"Okay, thanks," Julian sounded like he wanted to say more but Noel waited and nothing came. Fucking story of his life. 

 

"Alright," he said, his voice sounding too brittle to be quite as happy as he was pitching it, "I'll let you know when I have something. I best be off." 

 

"Right, yeah, of course," Julian actually sounded a bit disappointed at the brush-off. Noel opened his mouth to take it back but Julian was already speaking again. "I'll see you next week then." 

 

Noel was left with no option but to mutter, "Yeah, bye Julian," before he was gone. He sighed heavily. This was going to be a disaster. 

 

***

 

Julian looked at the door and then back at his phone to check the address for the fifth time. He was reluctant to reach out and knock. Partly worried he'd got the wrong place but equally worried he hadn't.

 

He hated not knowing what would greet him on the other side. He remembered when he would walk right into Noel's house without knocking, knowing Noel would leap up to hug him as he walked in and chatter away about what he'd been doing. It would make Julian relax immediately, like he could breathe properly after a long underwater swim. 

 

He wasn't sure when that feeling had stopped, when they'd stopped fitting together like puzzle pieces. He was sure it must have been a gradual thing. Although the night at his parents' was probably the start... He shook his head. It wouldn't help to dwell on those thoughts. They had a job to do. A job he actually, despite everything, wanted to do. 

 

The fact they'd never done a Boosh movie had always bothered him, like an itch he'd never been able to scratch. He loathed having unfinished business and loose ends. They hadn’t really tried working together since the last movie collapsed under the weight of their frayed relationship. They’d talked about it, of course. But, more because it seemed the polite thing to do, like telling someone to drop in if they were ever in the neighbourhood. They both knew it would never really happen, even as other people put them in the same projects, there seemed to be something unspoken that they wouldn’t be together. It was too strange. Too wrong. But maybe it was finally time.

 

He took a breath and pressed the buzzer. He checked the address again, just in case. But the door was opening and there was Noel, all skinny jeans and tight, bright blue t-shirt. His feet were bare. 

 

"Hey!" Noel said. He grinned, but it looked a little frozen, like he was surprised Julian had actually come but was pretending not to be. 

 

"Hi," he said, raising his eyebrows. After Noel just continued to stare at him he said, "Can I come in or are we doing this here?" 

 

"Oh." Noel looked a bit embarrassed and shuffled back. "'Corse. Come on in." 

 

Julian followed him inside, his bag knocking against the wall as they walked into the kitchen. They stood in the middle of the room looking at each other for a beat too long, Julian hunched over. 

 

"Tea?" Noel said, voice bright and airy in a way that Julian couldn't believe was real. 

 

He nodded because having something in his hands would distract him and maybe stop him fidgeting so much. 

 

The flat was beautiful. It was all wooden floors and white walls with high windows that let the sun stream through, bathing everything in soft light. It was calm and clean. Julian immediately felt out of place. He didn't belong in spaces like this. He always felt a bit in the way. There was nowhere to hide, nothing to distract people, leaving him exposed. 

 

Noel thrived in places like this. He saw them as blank canvases to paint his will on. He fluttered about, bathing in the sunshine and smiling to himself as he made tea. 

 

Julian wondered if he should sit down at the big kitchen table in the centre of the room. He didn't want to make it seem like he was getting ready to leave, but he felt uncomfortable, like he was intruding on Noel's space. He shuffled awkwardly, unable to decide what to do.

 

"How you been?" Noel asked, his focus entirely on the kettle as it slowly began to heat up. 

 

"Yeah, yeah, good thanks. Been working on a few things and the boys are always a handful, so..." he trailed off, his arms swinging up in an awkward gesture that was meant to convey how at ease he felt. He fidgeted with his jacket before remembering his bag and slowly lowering it to the floor. There was a beat too long of silence. He rushed to fill it, "You?" 

 

"Oh yeah, you know me," Noel said, flicking the hair out of his face. 

 

No, Julian thought, but pushed down the desire to say so. Noel was talking again and he tried to listen politely. 

 

"Always in some sort of trouble," he finished, still not looking at Julian. He wondered if anyone had paid such close attention to making a cup of tea before. "Been painting a lot, actually." 

 

"Oh yeah?" Julian said, suddenly interested. He'd always loved Noel's art. 

 

Noel glanced over at him, perhaps picking up on his tone. "Yeah," he said. "It's," he paused and played with the lid of the pot of teabags. "It's actually mostly been Howard and Vince lately." 

 

Julian sat down at the table, intrigued. Noel often conceived ideas visually first. "Really?" He'd known Noel must have been thinking of them recently otherwise he wouldn't have called, but it still stirred something in Julian's chest to think of him acting on those thoughts, that he still cared enough to do something about it. It felt a little bit like hope and he tried to push it down. He couldn't let himself get too swept along with the idea of a movie so quickly. A couple of paintings didn't mean Noel was really committed. It didn't mean Julian wasn't going to be left all alone again. 

 

Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Noel was nodding. "Yeah, I've got a few. I can bring some next time maybe. They look a bit different and maybe it'll spark something." 

 

Julian nodded. He'd almost forgotten that Noel could be like this. He was really professional when he wanted to be. They'd slogged so hard to get ready in the early days that they'd developed a routine - a sort of shorthand to make sure they got things done. People often assumed it was Julian that marshalled them into productivity but it was usually Noel that steered them to work through Julian's self doubt and neurosis. He had the sort of drive that Julian had envied a lot over the years. 

 

Noel brought the steaming cups over and sat down opposite him. They stared at the hot liquid for a moment in silence while Julian tried not to let the awkwardness seep into his consciousness. 

 

Noel cleared his throat. "Should we look at what we did, you know, last time?" He sounded nervous, obviously not sure if he should bring up their last writing session or not. 

 

Julian huffed. "I guess we can have a look. Might be something worth salvaging." 

 

He tried to remember what they'd got last time they'd written together. He couldn't grasp at the memory of any of the material or concepts. It was weird because he could remember the scene in almost glorious technicolor. Noel, slouched across from him, pale and sweaty. Coming down off something and trying to pretend he wasn't. He'd been fidgeting, playing with his hair and glowering at everything Julian said. Julian had refused to engage him in an argument despite Noel's attempts for over an hour until Noel had snapped that it was pointless, that they didn't have anything, that he needed a break. He'd left to find some food and Julian had carefully stood up and packed his things away. He'd walked out of the room, then out of the building and then all the way home. It had felt final, but not in a grand, momentous way. He'd mostly felt sad and small. 

 

He'd sat at his kitchen table until Julia came home. She'd taken one look at him and held him while he cried. She didn't ask what it was. She'd known he wasn't going back and had never asked him about it again. 

 

He'd often wondered what she'd seen in his face that day. He didn't ask; he didn't want to know the answer. But it felt like some part of him had finally died. Perhaps it had, the last hope that he and Noel would be able to pull through whatever it was that kept pushing them further apart, that they would ever be anything more than one-time writing partners. 

 

The wound had felt gaping and raw for months, years, after that day. Perhaps because he'd never admitted it was there. But, he could still feel it. Every time someone asked about Noel or the Boosh, it pulled, like a scar that refused to heal. Even as they’d played gigs together, it had been like an echo of something already over, like someone trying to valiantly give mouth to mouth to something that had been dead for hours.

 

Noel got up from the table and disappeared down the hall. Julian was so lost in memory he hardly noticed until he came back and put the papers in front of him. He reached out to touch them. They seemed like ancient relics from some forgotten civilisation. "I'm surprised you kept them," he said, for lack of anything else to say. 

 

Noel shrugged. "I guess I always thought we'd need them." 

 

It was a business decision, Julian thought. That peculiar part of Noel that was always looking for the angle. Like how he was happy to appear on Buzzcocks because it meant he could sell more tickets to his live show. Julian didn't have that part of his personality. He was all heart and liver, as his father used to say said. If Julian had kept pages of an old script, complete with both their scribbles, it would because he needed a part of them. A physical tether to what they were. As it was he'd thrown everything away one morning, furious and devastated in equal measure. He hadn't spoken for the rest of the day, locked in the study staring at nothing and trying not to wonder what he was now that Noel wasn't there. 

 

"Well, let's see what we had," he said, pulling them towards him and shaking off the memories. 

 

It took a moment for his eyes to acclimatise to Noel's scruffy handwriting. He read the pages quietly. It was surreal; suddenly he was back in that room, watching Noel write down things with a scowl and shake of his head. The same feelings of claustrophobia clawed at him, making his clothes feel too tight around his neck. He shifted, gripping his tea too tightly. He felt more and more sick and anxious as he read over the words. It was like the ideas, the very pages, had been infected with the atmosphere in the room that day. 

 

He brought the mug to his mouth and took a sip. It was too hot and burnt right the way down, but he needed the distraction. His instinct was the throw the papers back at Noel and run from the room. "Hmmm," he said eventually. "Not much." He could hear his tone was flat, almost accusatory. He didn't mean it to, but his inner turmoil was making his tone shorter than he wanted it to be. 

 

"Yeah," Noel said. "There's probably a reason we stopped working on it." He said it as joke, a way to lighten the mood.

 

Julian desperately wanted to help him, to laugh and make a quip back. He forced his face into something less like a scowl. "And a reason I didn't break into your house and steal them to sell myself." 

 

Noel half smiled at him. "Okay, bad idea. We shouldn't be going backwards here. Those ideas were about where we were then. This shouldn't be about that." 

 

"Okay." Julian wondered if he sounded as relieved as he felt. "This is about a happy ending for Howard and Vince, right?"

 

Noel shifted. "Yeah, about Howard and Vince." 

 

Julian frowned, confused about why Noel sounded a bit sheepish about it. He was the one that had called him and demanded it. He surely couldn't have failed to notice it was also what had convinced Julian to show up. He really did feel like he owed them something. A happy ending. A thank you. 

 

Noel shifted and played with his hair before speaking again. "I thought maybe, should we like, think about what we want to say about them?" Julian looked at him expectantly. "I mean, it's a movie, so there needs to be an arc. If we knew what we wanted to say about them, that might help." 

 

"Okay," Julian said. He'd prefer a concept but he could work with this. It was a starting point. Maybe establishing if they fundamentally disagreed about what the movie was early on was a good idea. He reached into his bag and pulled out a pad and pen. "What do you want to say about them?" 

 

"I didn't like Vince by the end," Noel said in a rush. He fidgeted in his seat, gripping his tea. "People kept saying he'd got mean." 

 

Julian sighed. It felt like a conversation about them and he wasn't here for that. "That's fine, but what do you want to say about him?" 

 

"That he's a tit, but a good one. A bit simple and self-involved but ultimately good." 

 

Julian shrugged. It wasn't exactly going to set the cinemas of the UK alight. "I'm not looking to turn him into a villain. But, who is he? What's his goal? What's going to make him happy?" 

 

"To be with Howard." Noel said simply and firmly. "That's it, really. That's how I see him." 

 

Julian paused. "You don't think," it felt like they were very close to a precipice, he chose his words carefully. "You don't think they'd be happier apart? Like maybe that's the arc? Them learning to do that?"

 

"No," Noel shook his head. "That's the real world. In the Boosh they try and they try to be apart but they don't work like that. They only work together and working that out is what makes them happy."

 

"And this isn't the real world," he replied as Noel nodded along. He didn't agree with Noel's assessment. Howard would never realise his own limitations with Vince and Vince would never learn he couldn't treat people like he did, if they stayed together. It might be nicer to pretend those realities didn't matter but they couldn't be avoided. 

 

"The show always worked best when something happened to pull them apart and in the end they got back to each other and defeated it." Noel waved his hands dismissively. 

 

"Okay," Julian said, they didn't need to have the argument now. That would have to come when they needed to flesh out the script. "So, it's an adventure. A two hour feature?" 

 

Noel nodded. "Yeah, around that."

 

Julian made some notes. "Are we pitching this as a retrospective? Like a, remember all these characters and how much you loved them?" 

 

He hated the idea but it was what production companies would want. Nostalgia was always a good seller. 

 

Noel scrunched his nose. "No," he said. "That's what the problem with the last tour was."

 

Julian sighed in relief. "Yeah," he said, leaning forward. "I think this should be something new." 

 

"Right," Noel nodded. "We can include old characters but only if they fit. I'd be happy to just have Howard and Vince and entirely new characters if we need to." 

 

Julian smiled. "Good, great. So, a fresh look at where they'd be now?" 

 

Noel shook his head. "More, like, a look where they are sideways." 

 

"Sideways?" 

 

"Yeah, they don't change do they? Like, they wouldn't be now. Not Brexit and Trump. It's just a side step from the shop, not forward." 

 

Julian huffed a laugh, feeling something begin to unwind in his chest. "Yeah, okay. A sideways look at the Boosh." 

 

He leant forward and began to write. 

 

*** 

 

Noel blinked at the clock. It was getting late. Julian was hunched over his pad, a frown between his eyes as he wrote. Noel tried not to let his eyes linger over his features. Tried not to map how they'd changed since he'd last seen him like this. 

 

The afternoon had faded into evening and they hadn't argued. The strange tension was still thick but they'd managed to see through it to start shaping a treatment. Not a script. That would come much later. For now it was an idea, something they could start to sell to production companies. 

 

It was getting to the time in the evening when Julian would want to leave. Noel felt the normal pang of wanting to keep him there, to find a way to eke out their time together. He was annoyed with himself that the feeling was still there. He'd hoped he might have outgrown it, especially after years of not having it, of being relegated to friends who saw each other only occasionally for a project or a cup of tea. But he'd forgotten how good it felt to write with Julian, to see his pleased expression when they had a good idea and to have his entire focus just Noel. 

 

Every time he tried to force himself to mention the time, he couldn't do it. He knew this might be the last time he convinced Julian to do this. Julian often got morning after writing regret. He'd look at what they'd done and suddenly decide it was worthless. Noel had always been able to get them through that in the past. Sometimes by straight up ignoring it. Sometimes by climbing into Julian's lap and refusing to move until he smiled again and talked about how to fix the problems. Those weren't options for them anymore. It made his chest hurt. 

 

"Do you want to get something to eat?" he said when he couldn't take it anymore. He tried to keep his voice light, but it still sounded frighteningly like it used to when they'd first met. 

 

Back then Noel had always sounded a bit winded when they'd talked. He'd be so keen to earn Julian's respect that he'd work himself up to talking to him, over thinking everything so by the time they actually spoke he was jittery with nerves and excitement. Julian would peer down at him, seeming a bit bemused by whatever he was saying, like he wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or charmed. It kept Noel trying to impress him, working harder on his set and thinking of jokes that might make him smile at him or even give a rare chuckle. 

 

Somehow that dynamic had never really faded. Even as they became a double act, even as Noel became the more famous one, he still felt like he needed to impress him. Now it seemed they'd pressed reset on their relationship and Noel was back to breathless and worried about scaring Julian away. He'd worked for years on getting rid of that voice. 

 

Julian looked up at him, his eyes flicking to the clock and back to Noel. "Oh," he said. He looked at his pad as though assessing what he'd achieved. Weighing if he deserved food. Julian was all about what people deserved. Want often didn't come into it. 

 

Noel could feel his heart beating in his chest as he waited to see what Julian would say. "We could order something and keep working while we waited," he said before Julian could reject the idea. Another old tactic, trying to make it about the work and hope Julian wouldn't notice it was about want and desperately hoping he would and do something about it. 

 

"Oh," Julian seemed genuinely surprised at the offer. "Don't you have plans?" 

 

He wasn't expecting that response and it threw him off. Julian usually either wanted to hang out or not. He'd always taken Noel at his word when he suggested spending time together. "I..." he wasn't sure what to say. He didn't have plans. "I've rented this place for a bit, so I’m treating it a bit like a holiday."

 

"Oh," Julian said again. He had that lost look he'd had when he arrived, like he had no idea what he was doing there, how to deal with Noel. He decided he hated it. 

 

"I mean, if you're busy..." he trailed off. It wasn't like before, he realised. They'd never been this off kilter with each other. Never this awkward and polite. 

 

"No," Julian said quickly. "It's just..." Why could neither of them finish a sentence? 

 

Noel considered pressing for him to finish the thought, but decided that he probably didn't want to know. "Great!" He stood up. If Julian wasn't disagreeing he'd take it as assent. "Thai good with you? There's a takeaway menu in the draw." He rushed over to fetch it before Julian realised he hadn't actually agreed. 

 

"You're not cooking, then?" Julian grinned up at him. His eyes twinkled a bit, like they always did when he was teasing Noel, the awkwardness from moments before forgotten in the face of being able to make a joke. Noel had missed that expression. He paused to drink it in. 

 

Julian was still gorgeous. Bastard. 

 

Noel gasped, mock offended. "I'll have you know I could cook us something. A banquet if I wanted. I am just too devoted to our work." 

 

"This pile of crap? As if." 

 

It was a joke. Noel knew that, a joke they'd have made countless times before. But with everything so fragile and uncertain,  and their last failure looming just out of sight, it stung. Noel wasn't quick enough to hide the flash of hurt at the words and Julian noticed. He looked a bit stricken and opened his mouth to take it back. That just made it worse because they didn't do that, they didn't constantly apologise to each other. Their relationship was stronger than that. Only it wasn't. 

 

 _Maybe we should call it a night._ He could feel the words forming. He was still, unbelievably, too raw for this. Julian was still able to cut him without trying. He swallowed them back down. This wasn't going to work if he withdrew so easily. "Yeah," he said. It was a bit flat, so he tried to lighten his voice. "Yeah, we need the sustenance to work on it. Pull it into shape." 

 

"Right," Julian said, his smile faltering but trying to flicker into life. "Thai it is then."

 

***

 

They'd actually done good work. The buzz of it had made Julian linger by the door before he left, pleasantly relaxed from the food, and beer they'd had with it. From the work too. It was good to be writing again. It was like flexing muscles he'd not used in years to be thinking about the Boosh. 

 

Noel had leant against the wall, his body tilting toward him slightly as they said goodbye. He'd considered touching him. His hands had itched to reach out, the dark of the hallway giving them a false intimacy. The power of it shocked him. Julian couldn't afford this. He'd stepped back offering a little wave before turning and walking out the door. It gave a reassuring click as it shut, separating him from Noel. 

 

But he could still see his face as he walked home. It lingered in his mind, refusing to let him leave the day completely behind. It was pale and open as Noel watched him silently through his long lashes. He had smiled but there was a sense he was waiting for something. Julian never had any idea what it was. Anything he'd offered had always been wrong; too late or in the wrong way or not as cool as what else was on offer. 

 

He pushed the thoughts away to concentrate on the work. They'd actually made some progress with the outline. Nothing concrete, not yet, but it hadn't been a total disaster. The lack of expectation - the fact they'd actually have to try and sell something even - meant they'd needed to take a slightly different approach. It was nice. More like before they'd blown up. Before Julian couldn't breathe under the weight of expectation. 

 

He'd half expected to leave the house knowing he'd never return. But he didn't. It seemed like there might actually be something there. He wasn't sure whether to be pleased or terrified. 

 

"You want to meet up tomorrow or..." Noel had left the offer hanging in the air between them, looking up at him but not quite meeting his eyes. He'd looked so like he did when they'd first met that Julian's breath caught in his throat; his face was fuller than it had been. There was a softness that Noel had worked hard to lose while they'd been working together that Julian had always missed. But the years had returned it to his features. It made him seem more approachable, less jagged and sharp, like Julian might cut himself if he tried to touch him. 

 

It was confusing, as was the gentle, unsure tone he was using when asking about future plans. He found himself becoming irritated. It wasn't how it was meant to be. Noel seemed like he expected Julian to be angry with him and it was reminding him that he actually was still angry. Still bitter at how it had ended. 

 

It would better for them to remain cool and professional rather than slip back into old habits. He didn't trust himself not to forget what had happened last time, afraid he'd open himself up when all Noel was there for was business. He'd make a fool of himself. Again. He was meant to be too old for that. 

 

"Yeah, I can do tomorrow," he'd said, proving that he was still unable to say no to that voice. He was a fucking idiot. 

 

He also proved too weak to say no over the next week as they worked to mould something they could start talking to people about. 

 

"Bloody hell," Noel said, one afternoon, leaning back in his chair. "Bloody hell, are we actually going to sell this thing?" 

 

Julian blinked, suddenly panicked at the idea. His gut instinct was to say no. But, the thing was: it was good. He knew that already. It was different from what they'd done before but still Boosh. He didn't want to curl up and die at the thought of talking about the idea. Someone might want to actually pay for a script. 

 

He tried to calm himself. A script didn't mean a film. He could write a script. As long as it didn't get out they were writing one. He could at least flesh out a longer treatment, a plot and some other colour. He could do that and not lose himself completely. 

 

"Yeah," he said eventually, "yeah, I think we could." Noel looked a little startled at his words, although he wasn't sure why. "It's good, right?" he said, suddenly worried Noel might actually not want to continue. 

 

"No, it's... I think it could be funny. It could be great. You're pleased with it so far?" He sounded young and unsure. That tone always brought out Julian's protective streak. 

 

"I am," he said and smiled. "I think it's good." 

 

Noel looked so pleased that Julian’s chest tightened. He'd forgotten what it felt like to be the one that made Noel smile like that. It was like the sun was shining on you. 

 

"I suppose we should go to Steve first, yeah?" Noel said, still beaming at him. 

 

He was right, of course. It was only polite and also offered the best chance of something happening. But the idea made the whole thing real. He could picture the scene, them all sitting in Steve's office talking about options, so clearly it was like it had already happened. "Maybe I should take it in alone," he blurted out, without thinking. 

 

"What? Why?" Noel seemed genuinely confused.

 

He couldn't think of a way to explain that he wanted to control the narrative about what this was. That he didn't want them to look over confident. He needed Steve to know that he hadn't lost himself completely, that he was still being rational. He wanted to create an escape hatch for his pride. He wouldn't be able to do that with Noel in the room. He shifted, unsure what to say. 

 

"They're going to want to know we're both actually on board, Ju," Noel said when the silence had gone on too long. He said it gently, aware he was referring to their previously broken promises. There would be bridges to mend. Ones they hadn't even patched between themselves yet. 

 

"Yeah," he took a deep breath, "yeah okay." He wanted to stop that train of conversation before it got too far. 

 

"I'll set it up," Noel said. It was an unusual offer and he wondered if it was because he didn't believe Julian would actually do it or if it was an attempt to show he was growing up. 

 

Noel had hated the technical side of making shows happen. Talking about funding or logistics or budgets turned him into a sulking child. He avoided business meetings if he could. Julian had never minded, liking the sense of control he got from being the one there. He needed to know the detail, never trusting that it would be done without someone there that really cared about the outcome. It also made him useful, like he was doing something worthwhile that would help Noel and would mean they could keep working together.

 

"Okay," he said, not wanting to put him off or seem domineering. "Thanks, that'd be great. Just let me know timings when it's set up." 

 

Noel nodded. "Yeah, 'corse." 

 

They stared at each for a long moment, smiling. The weight of future hung for moment, suspended and uncertain. Julian felt his hands tingle with the desire to touch Noel. To connect them together for a moment. 

 

"I should probably head off."

 

"Do you want a drink?"

 

They spoke at the same time and then both looked a bit embarrassed. Julian's stomach roiled at the thought of turning down time with Noel, despite knowing he ought to go.

 

"Oh, if there's booze still on the property, I guess I can stay for a bit," he rushed on, trying to stop Noel from feeling awkward about the invite. 

 

"Yeah?" he said a grin replacing the embarrassed flush. "You sure?" 

 

He stayed for more than one. Noel had a six pack left. They sat together on a sofa in the huge living room. It was too small for them, but the other sofa was right across the room and it felt like they'd need to shout to be heard. 

 

It had been a long time since he'd felt Noel pressed against him. It felt at once familiar and comforting and wrong and confusing. He shifted, trying to put some space between them. Noel was laughing, mid-story, seemingly not aware of the tension thrumming through Julian.  

 

He laughed along with the joke. It was funny. Noel was funny. He'd still never met someone who could make him laugh so easily and so often. 

 

He watched Noel talking, wondering if he missed it. Missed the chaotic lifestyle. The screaming girls and press of photographers wherever they went. It seemed to suit him at the time. 

 

"What?" Noel said, suddenly. "Have I got something on my face?"

 

Julian smiled. "No, I just... it's been a long time since we did this, that's all." The moment the words were out he regretted them. He waited for the usual response of 'who's fault is that, then?' Or a scowl at the perceived dig at Noel's constant partying. 

 

Instead of any of that, Noel went still. He looked at Julian for a long moment. "Yeah, it has. It's nice." 

 

Julian felt a smile spread over this face. "Yeah, it is." 

 

Noel grinned at him. Julian was aware again of how close they were. He remembered a hundred moments like this one over the years, where the weight of something made the air thick around them. He could never be sure which reaction to it was worse. It seemed they'd tried them all and they all left him sad and more alone than the last. 

 

He shifted, breaking the moment. Noel stood up and went to the kitchen with the empty bottles and Julian tried not to feel disappointed. 

 

***

 

He could picture Julian's face, smiling and relaxed in the living room. Noel had been the one to suggest they share the sofa, joking about the enormous room to cover his awkwardness. But now he was left lying in bed blinking up at the ceiling and unable to shake the image. 

 

He wondered if he'd made a huge mistake. He'd been prepared for them to fight, or not get on, or realise they were nothing to each other anymore. But he hadn't stopped to imagine they might not. That they'd be able to be with each other again. To remember why they'd worked together for so long. 

 

He hadn't been prepared for seeing Julian slowly unwind as he drank beer and laughed at his jokes. He'd forgotten what that felt like: his memories of it always seemed to be soaked in the painful haze of the last couple of years. But of course that was stupid. You didn't take drugs because they felt bad. They felt amazing. That was the point.

 

He needed to get some space. Gain some perspective before they started work on a script. 

 

He tried not to think of it as an 'if'. He was sure they could get some funding for at least an outline. Whether anyone really wanted to let them make something they were interested in creating was another matter. Julian's new film would help. Hopefully him being on telly again soon would also boost interest. 

 

He turned over and tried not to worry about whether it would actually end up harming them. He'd always liked the idea of presenting. It played to his strengths of meeting new people but still being a bit silly and irreverent. But he supposed some people would see it as a selling out. He wondered what Julian thought and was then annoyed at himself for caring. 

 

He hated that he still cared. That it still mattered if Julian respected his choices. But he desperately didn't want to be the reason the film didn't get made. He could feel his thoughts spiralling away from him into the night. He needed a distraction. 

 

He reached for his phone where it rested on the bedside table. After jabbing it into life he stared at the screen.  He wanted to talk to someone, someone who would take his mind off the worry. There was a nagging at the back of his head that it was Julian he wanted. He was already fixing to be back in the glow of his recognition and attention. But they weren't there. Not yet. He didn't know how Julian would react to a call. He stared at the screen for a few more moments before pressing some buttons. 

 

"Noel?" Dave's voice was the same as ever, if a bit surprised sounding. 

 

"Alright?" Noel smiled, feeling calmer and he lay back down. "What's up?" 

 

"You just calling for a chat?" Dave sounded surprised again. Noel wondered why. He was sure he'd done this before. He must have. 

 

"Yeah, it's been ages," Noel said, trying to brush over the awkwardness. "What you been up to?"

 

"Ah you know..." He could hear Dave's smile, picture his face as he talked about Cornwall and his latest exhibition.  He lay back and closed his eyes. This was easy. He could do this. 

 

***

 

"So it's all booked for Friday?" Julian seemed a bit hesitant but Noel thought he could hear a pleased undertone to it too. 

 

"Yeah, 2 o'clock." He shouldn't feel proud of arranging a simple meeting with a friend but it was hard when he could picture Julian's expression so clearly; lips pressed into an almost-smile, eyes lit by some inner pleasure at seeing something they were creating starting to take life. 

 

"Do you think it's time to tell the guys?" Noel said slowly. Talking to Dave had made him feel guilty, like he was agreeing to something on his behalf. 

 

Julian huffed. "I don't know," he paused for a moment and Noel let him gather his thoughts, not wanting to push him. "Will they even want to do it?" 

 

Noel opened his mouth and closed it again. He hadn't even considered that they wouldn't. "Yeah, of course they will." He tried to sound confident because he could hear the fear over the line. 

 

"Maybe we ought to wait until it's a bit more confirmed? I know we'll need to think about schedules but maybe we ought to check if we're not just off our rockers first." 

 

Noel nodded, even though Julian couldn't see him. He was confident that Julian meant exactly what he said and it wasn't another brush off. It probably was too soon. Involving the others made it more complicated. Noel was worried about telling them in some ways, especially Dave. He had a way of looking right through him sometimes and knowing when he was doing something self destructive. He needed to get some composure first. Get used to being around Julian again. Build up the walls between them before the others saw them together. 

 

"Yeah, okay, let's just have this meeting first and see where we are." 

 

"Okay," Julian sounded a bit relieved. "How'd Steve sound?" 

 

Noel laughed. "A bit like that bloke off the telly," he said before taking pity on him. "I didn't say much to be honest. Just that we wondered if he'd be up for a chat this week. But he must know what we're going to say. He's not an idiot." 

 

"Yeah, probably." Julian sounded tired. He wondered why but wasn't sure if he was allowed to ask. 

 

"Should we meet first?" Noel hated always being the one to ask. It had always been like that. Julian was never the first one to break and ask to meet up, not even when they argued. He never seemed to feel the desire to see each other, like Noel did.

 

"Yeah, better come up with some sort explanation for this." Julian sounded a little amused at the prospect. It was reminiscent of early shows, when they seemed to be the only ones that could see what they were trying to do wasn't completely mad. Julian had always liked that. Liked the idea that people didn't really get him. Liked being an outsider. Noel couldn't work out if that made him an artist or a pretentious wanker. Both probably. 

 

"It'll be an easy meeting, we won't get two words out before he's told us exactly what he thinks." Noel grinned. "But come round here on your way, if you like." He couldn't explain why'd he'd kept the flat they were writing in. But it felt like a lucky charm and he found himself reluctant to go back to his old life. 

 

"Great, about 11?" 

 

He didn't need to be there that early. There wasn't even that much to discuss. Something fluttered in his chest at the thought. Julian wanted to spend time with him when he didn't need to for the work. 

 

"Great, I'll see you then, mate." He froze, momentarily horrified. He'd never called Julian mate in their entire relationship. But he'd been trying to keep the pleasure out of his voice. Trying not to show how happy Julian had made him by offering up an extra hour. 

 

"Yeah, good. Right, see you then." Julian sounded a bit clipped. But then, maybe Noel was projecting. Maybe he hadn't noticed at all. 

 

"Can't wait," Noel said. "It's good this." He cringed at the overcompensation. 

 

"Yeah, it really is." Julian had that pleased note to his voice, making it sound rich and warm. Inviting. Noel felt it through to his toes. 

 

***

 

Steve called him the day after the meeting. He'd been expecting it. Steve had been giving him a look whenever it seemed like Noel might not notice, trying to catch his eye. Julian avoided it, not sure what he was trying to convey and sure he wouldn't be able to respond while Noel was there. 

 

"Coogan?" He tried to sound amused and not filled with trepidation. 

 

"Julian!" Steve always sounded kinder, more softly spoken, than Julian expected him too.

 

"You okay?" Julian asked, fiddling with the pen on the table in front of him. He felt nervous, like he might be about to be told off. 

 

"Interesting meeting yesterday." Julian rolled his eyes. As segways went, it wasn't exactly subtle. 

 

"We enjoyed it," he deliberately used the plural, hoping to forestall the question he could see looming. 

 

"You really okay with this?" How he managed to sound like a kindly uncle when they were basically the same age he didn't know. 

 

"I..." Not sure if he should lie, if he was talking to a friend or an investor, he faltered. "Yeah, yeah, I think it could be something." 

 

"I just remember the end, last time," he paused as though considering the memory. "What a fucking shambles that was." He didn't sound exactly annoyed, just like he was testing the waters. Seeing if Julian broke at the first sign of conflict. 

 

"Yeah," he rubbed his hand over his eyes. It wasn't like he didn't remember, but hearing it pointed out from someone else still made him feel embarrassed. He had the sense that people had been able to see right through him. Like everyone could see he was blown apart by what happened. He swallowed and tried to sound upbeat. "But, we're good now."

 

He realised that he'd slipped into his acting voice and hoped Steve couldn't tell. 

 

"Hmmm, well, it was a good treatment. I liked it." It didn't sound like a ringing endorsement. "I just... As long as you're sure, yeah? I don't want to lose you again to a pit of solitude and self-loathing for another six months if he decides to go on a week-long binge or fuck the prop lady." 

 

Julian cringed. Steve had always just said whatever came into his head. He didn't seem to mind if it might offend someone. Julian usually appreciated it. He always knew where he stood with Steve. But sometimes he wished he'd sugarcoat it just a little. 

 

"He's not..." he stopped. The urge to defend Noel was still so strong that he was surprised but the force of it. But he pushed it down. He couldn't talk for him. Not anymore. It would be up to Noel to show he'd changed. To all of them. It was up to Julian to show he'd got himself under control so that it didn't devastate him when Noel couldn't. He swallowed down the dread he felt rising. "I'm sure. We need to see where this goes, see if we can make something out of it. It feels like the right time. Maybe the only time we'll have left."

 

It sounded more melodramatic than he meant it to. But Steve made a thoughtful noise. "I think the timing is good. Let me make a couple of calls. I reckon we could pay for an outline. Probably a script, but let's see how we go." 

 

"Okay, great. Brilliant. I think we're keen to crack on, so we could have something together in a month or so." He felt relieved, Steve wouldn't pretend to think something was a good idea if he didn't really think so. 

 

"Sure, I'll get someone to email over the details. Are you shopping it around?" 

 

Julian smiled at the causally dropped question. Steve was a smart man. A good businessman. Julian respected and liked him a lot which is why he was honest in his response. "To be honest, we don't know what we have. We didn't want it getting out that we're even considering it." He ran a hand over his eyes. Just the thought of people knowing about what they were planning, the weight of expectation that would bring, made him tired. 

 

"Fair enough, we'll call it something else in the paperwork. I'll speak to you soon," he paused for a second, "And Julian?"

 

"Yeah?" 

 

"Thanks for coming to me. I really do think it could be interesting." 

 

The line went dead. Interesting. Well, it would definitely be that. 

 

***

 

Noel grinned at him when he opened the door to his rented flat. He looked open, more relaxed than the first time Julian had gone there. It made something unfurl in his chest to see Noel give him that smile. It seemed so long since he'd had that excited anticipation lighting his eyes when he looked at him. He tried to think when it was, long before Future Sailors, he was sure.

 

Julian remembered their last tour with a sort of gnawing sadness. They'd kept the interactions between Vince and Howard to a minimum. It wasn't intentional but he wondered if they both felt the strangeness. Like it wasn't really them anymore. They said the same things and fell into the same pattern of insults and jokes but it felt all wrong. Like they were just spectres from something that had already died. The screams of the crowd reminded him of something he used to feel about the Boosh. About Noel. About himself. But whatever it had been, he couldn't grasp it anymore. 

 

Noel had looked the same in so many ways. Beautiful. All angles and too blue eyes. He'd wanted to reach out and touch him, to prove he was really there. But he didn't. It felt like Noel wasn't really there. Like he was just a shell, waiting for the after party and the after after party. He revelled in talking about it the next day. The lack of sleep. The drugs and drinking. The sex. Julian sometimes wondered if he was being baited but he couldn't understand why or what Noel hoped he'd do. It was like watching someone fade away in front of his eyes. He'd felt powerless and sad and bitter. Noel was creating something that he didn't fit in anymore. Dragging Rich and Mike and Dave and anyone in the room out with him. Leaving Julian behind. 

 

The Boosh was something that had used to make him feel safe. Like he belonged. By the end of the tour he didn't recognise it. Screaming girls. Noel drunk and high winding his way around the country. Always watching. It seemed his eyes were always on Julian like he was waiting. He didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how it was eating away at him. He didn't want him to know he was succeeding in making him want to leave. 

 

Because that was the only explanation. Noel had wanted out. Wanted Julian gone but didn't know how to achieve it. He couldn't stop it on his own, the machine was simply too big by that point. But he could push and push until Julian did something. He could make it his fault. He'd spent months telling himself that Noel just needed a break. That it was too much for any of them really. 

 

He took more and more work on and away from Noel, trying to give him some space. He agreed to write an album. Agreed to go to Comic Con. Agreed to start writing a movie. And he waited for Noel to stop pushing. To stop looking at him with hollow eyes and pursed, angry lips. It never happened and one day Julian broke.

 

"How's it going?" he said, trying to shake off the memories and following Noel into the kitchen. He sat down at the table and pulled out his laptop and pad while Noel flicked on the kettle. The routine seemed easy already. 

 

Noel was chatting easily about his week, talking about people and places that Julian didn't know anything about. But that wasn't altogether unusual. Noel was always flitting to new things, like a butterfly that never lands anywhere for long. Julian enjoyed listening to it. Part of him missed being there at his side at every little new venture. In the early days Noel would drag him along, part wanting the moral support, part wanting Julian with him. It was nice, like experiencing everything through a prism. A Noel filter on the world. It seemed more exciting and exotic that way. But often, as time went on, he'd been left feeling alone, when Noel eventually got so wrapped up in the latest new thing that Julian got left behind.  He shook off the feeling, not wanting to weigh up which was better, not experiencing it at all or the empty feeling after it was over. 

 

Noel was sat down opposite him, placing the mugs down carefully on the table. He seemed a bit tense. He was hunched over and avoiding eye contact. "You alright?" he asked. 

 

Noel shrugged before nodding. 

 

"That's not a ringing endorsement." He tried to sound encouraging but he was feeling anxious, this was often one of the early warning signs of Noel withdrawing. Cold filled his chest at the thought.

 

"I think," Noel said eventually, his eyes not quite meeting Julian's, "if we get to writing the script, we should go away somewhere." 

 

Julian stilled, he wasn’t expecting that and tension seeped into his frame. "Somewhere?"

 

"Yeah," Noel said, he fingers playing with both mugs, dancing up their sides and pushing them away from him. "Just for a week or something. I want to get this right and if we just concentrate for a while to get it down and we can either move on or start the process properly. But at least we'll know." 

 

He pulled the mug towards him again, tapping their rims anxiously. Julian wondered what he was scared of: his reaction or the prospect of actually going away together. 

 

"Yeah," he said slowly. "I guess that makes sense." 

 

Noel's eyes flicked up to his in shock before skittering away to focus back on the tea. It did make sense. A kill or cure. If they could survive the writing process, making the thing would be fine. They'd need to worry about the promo afterwards, but if they could spend a week just the two of them and come out with something resembling an outline of a script, then the project would work. And if they couldn't, if it all collapsed around them, at least he'd know. At least they wouldn't spend months dancing around the issue and then coming to the conclusion too late that it wasn’t going to work. He’d rather know now.

 

“Yeah?” Noel glanced up quickly again. He looked delicate, like he actually cared what Julian might think.

 

“I mean, you’re right, we should see if we can actually make this happen.” Julian wanted to reach out, grab Noel’s hand. He knew there was a time when he would have, might have even run a thumb over his knuckles. It would have been comforting for them both. Instead he reached out and took one of the mugs.

 

“Do you want to go away, like out of the country? Or shall we just go to Kent?”

 

Julian smiled down at his tea. “I think Essex is more our style, yeah?”

 

Noel huffed a laugh. “Yeah, there’s that pink house – where everything is made of pink. Maybe we should rent that.”

 

“Sounds perfect.” He paused, wanting to get the next words right. “Next month?”

 

Noel stilled and then a small smile spread over his lips. He looked pleased. It warmed something in Julian to be the one putting that look on his face again.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's this philosopher or something, right," Russell said. "She says couples - or, you know, people you have any relationship with - only ever actually have one fight. It just repeats itself over and over in different way. You just need to figure out what it is you're arguing about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just reminder that ^^^^ means there's about to be a flashback or one is ending. 
> 
> This is part two of a ten part finished fic that I'm posting Tuesdays and Fridays.

Noel liked meeting other comedians, it was like he could feed off their energy, learn something about his own work. He tried to see a few people on a regular basis and Russell was one of the people he liked to keep in touch with. He’d had such an extraordinary career over the last few years that he always felt like he was looking through a mirror at his own career if he’d made slightly different choices. He couldn’t believe he was now sitting across from him at his country house, a baby sleeping soundly upstairs while his friends and family milled around drinking tea and eating vegan cakes. It made him smile and gave him a hopeful feeling to see how far he’d come, albeit via a route through spiritualism and politics that Noel was a bit baffled by.

 

"You've started working with Matt again," he said, picking apart a cake to take small bites of it. 

 

Russell looked at him with a quick grin. "Yeah, we're doing the Radio X show. It's good, you heard it?" 

 

Russell had a way of checking what you thought of everything he did. Noel liked to see that vulnerable side of him, it made him seem less intimidating. "Yeah, it’s hilarious.” He hadn’t actually heard it, but it’s what you said, and anyway, he was sure it was. “But you weren't working with him," he prodded, not sure what he was exactly asking but sure he didn't want to come right out and ask it. 

 

"Oh, yeah, he came around. He always does after a bit of a sulk. Comedy soulmates, we are, he can never stay away for long." Russell waved his arms as he spoke, as though dismissing the notion that it could ever have been another way. 

 

"Was it weird? I mean, he got married and had kids and-" 

 

"You're working with Julian again, then," he didn't phrase it as a question but his eyebrows rose as he spoke. 

 

"No." He wasn't expecting to lie and he blinked at himself, ruining the effect. He shouldn’t even be talking about it, but their trip away was coming up and he’d started to feel jittery. He couldn’t seem the settle, worried about what was going to happen and wanting to just get it over with while also fighting with himself to not call Julian and postpone it. True to his word, Steve had gotten things moving quickly, agreeing to finance a script. He knew that didn't mean it was actually going to happen. The dreams were still waking him in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and he hoped writing them an ending would help. He really needed the sleep.

 

Russell nodded, despite his denial. "Look, mate, I don't know Julian that well but I remember when you came to stay with me in LA that time." 

 

He said it kindly, but Noel winced when he thought back to it. He’d been keen to break America and capitalise on The Boosh’s popularity, even if Julian refused to come along. In reality it meant staying with Russell in his ridiculous mansion and taking too many drugs and staying up all night. Once he didn't sleep for nearly a week. In the end Russell had a quiet word with him. Nothing like an ex drug addict trying to tactfully mention they're a bit worried about you to send you scurrying back to the UK to lick your wounds. 

 

"That wasn't-" he stopped.  He didn't know how to articulate that it wasn't that Julian had gone. Not exactly. If he was being honest, he'd hardly noticed at first. It was the end of such a slow process of Julian slipping away from him that it took months for him to realise it was different from the end of other tours. That maybe there wasn't going to be another series if he failed to break America or not. At the time he'd just been adrift in a haze of being part of the biggest thing in comedy but not having a focal point to channel it. Unsure of what to do, he'd hit the clubs. It was just like when he'd started out, only this time everyone wanted to buy him drinks and offer him drugs and hang out with him. But come the morning he realised he hadn't actually achieved anything. The contacts he was supposed to be making disappeared like early morning fog. He'd spent that time bouncing madly between believing he was invincible and feeling totally worthless.

 

"That wasn't Julian," he said in the end. "It was everything else." 

 

Russell looked at him. "That's not what you said at the time." 

 

Noel shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't sure what he'd said to Russell - it was all a blur and he was frankly too afraid to ask. "Well, I was a tit." 

 

"Course you were," Russell grinned at him. "But, you be careful."

 

Noel nodded before frowning. "But how did you and Matt-" 

 

Russell stilled and put his hands to his mouth to look directly at him. It was a bit unnerving. He was usually too animated to keep still. Noel noticed how dark his eyes were. How expressive. They reminded him of Julian's which was ridiculous because they couldn't be more different. "I think," Russell said, trying to articulate it. "I think he just remembered why it's fun working together. And I stopped being such a massive wanker about everything." 

 

"Did you ever talk about the fight?" Russell had only ever alluded to what stopped them working together for so long. 

 

"Kind of. There's this philosopher or something, right," Russell said, clearly wanting to change topics. "She says couples - or, you know, people you have any relationship with - only ever actually have one fight. It just repeats itself over and over in different ways. You just need to figure out what it is you're arguing about." 

 

"Thanks Uncle Russell," Noel said, grinning and stuffing some cake into his mouth in a bid to avoid having to say anything about him and Julian and what, exactly, the nature of their argument was.

 

Matt came into the kitchen at that moment, setting a small child down and rushing him outside into the garden. Russell grinned. "Here, Matt, why'd we start working together again?" 

 

"What are you prattling on about?" Matt said. He nodded at Noel and came to join them at the table, "Alright Noel?" 

  

"Why'd we start working together again after Radio 2?" Russell repeated and Noel wondered if Russell actually wanted to know for himself. 

 

Matt looked uncomfortable for a moment. "Why are we talking about that?" he said instead of answering. 

 

"Noel here is in need of some advice," Russell said, reaching out to grab Noel's hand. 

 

"You working with Julian again?"

 

Julian was going to kill him. "No," he said defiantly. 

 

Matt just nodded as though he'd said yes. "I don't know," he said, obviously having decided to answer Russell's question now he understood the reason for it. "I guess... I guess because there wasn't the pressure anymore. Like, when we finished Radio 2 you were doing movies and that and people knew who I was when I was at the pub. And there were cameras everywhere. It just... I didn't...." Matt looked genuinely distressed before realising they could see it. His face changed into a grin. "I found it very stressful." He did a silly voice, aimed to make Russell laugh. 

 

It worked. Russell cackled, breaking the tension. "Yeah, it were mad weren't it?" 

 

"Yeah," Matt agreed. "It just wasn't fun anymore with everyone looking at us and wanting more and more." He stopped and looked up from inspecting his hands. "And you were being quite the brute too." 

 

It was a joke, but Noel could feel the truth of it under the playful tone. 

 

He felt his stomach twist unhappily. The similarities between him and Julian were so stark it was actually embarrassing. He turned to Matt. "Did you think you'd never work together again?" 

 

Matt squirmed under his gaze, maybe sensing that his response was somehow important. "No," he said in the end. "I mean, I hoped I wouldn't." He grinned, unable to not make the joke. "But, like, we're mates and we'd always worked together. I just didn't want to be in America doing movies. It's shit out there. But once he came back I guess I knew it would probably happen eventually. Especially when, like, he calmed down again. That little boy we loved so much came back and stopped being such a silly little menace." 

 

Russell laughed again but Noel could see he was drinking in what Matt was saying. "But, I'm better now, right? I'm trying ever so hard," he said after a moment. He was clearly going for a joke but he sounded vulnerable under it. 

 

Matt looked fond for a moment before he smiled, lips tight in mock indulgence. "Yeah, Russell. You're all better now." 

 

There was a commotion over the other side of the room. Russell’s dog was trying to eat something off the counter. Russell leapt up and dashed over, letting out a mock battle cry. Noel watched him go with a smile.

 

He looked back at Matt who was watching him a bit thoughtfully. There was a pause where Noel tried to work himself up into speaking. "Do you mind if I ask you something? You don't have to answer, if you don't want to." 

 

"Err, yeah, sure." Matt was always more reserved than Russell, he’d learnt how to keep something of himself back. It was how he’d managed to never lose himself, despite being around Russell at his most hedonistic.

 

"When... What,” he took a breath. “Can you ever go back to how it was before? Wasn’t it too hard, after everything that happened? Didn’t you resent him too much?”

 

Matt smiled at him. “I didn’t ever resent him,” he said. “I just... He’d gone all weird, and I just...” He shrugged helplessly. “He’d gone somewhere and I didn’t know him anymore. But, I knew he’d come back in the end, he always does after he realises what he’s doing isn’t up to much. He’s Russ again now and that’s all I was waiting for, really.”

 

Russell was screaming something about bees in the corner. Matt looked over at him and smiled.

 

Noel excused himself and headed back to London not long after, but he thought about what Matt had said the whole way home.

 

***

 

"You always get like this around him," she said. 

 

Julian looked at her without turning his head, peering out the corner of his eye, hoping she wouldn’t notice that she’d got his attention. He slipped his phone back into his pocket, wondering if it was too late to pretend he hadn’t been checking his messages. "Like what?" Julia always had a way of saying something important at just the right time to catch him off-guard. They were in a supermarket. Important conversations shouldn’t happen in Sainsbury’s.  

 

"Jittery," she gestured. "Like you don't fit anywhere. It's... annoying." She smirked at him as he huffed in annoyance. 

 

"Well, thank you very much. Are you saying I was annoying for 15 years?" 

 

"Much longer than that, darling." He'd walked into that one. "I just mean..." she frowned. "It's like you're waiting for something, you don’t settle." 

 

"Hmmm," he said softly. He knew what she meant; he did feel a bit off centre. Noel always made him feel like something amazing was just around the corner. Or something devastating that might take him years to recover from. He wished he knew which one it was. 

 

She was still looking at him. "You missed him?" 

 

"Of course." It didn't occur to him that anyone would doubt it. "The Boosh is the most successful and fulfilling thing I've ever done." 

 

"Oh fuck off." She shoved him. "That's not an answer. I'm asking about Noel. About your relationship with him." He opened his mouth but she cut him off. "I mean him and not your working relationship." 

 

He closed his mouth again and picked up the first thing on the shelf in front of him. He examined it closely. "I don't... I miss how it was. When we first started. When it was just the two of us. But by the end..." he trailed off and stared at the packet in his hand, not really seeing it. No one had ever made him feel like Noel did. By turns the most important and brilliant person in the world and also the most useless and unneeded. He'd buried the memories of how it felt to see him slip away from him. But under that, tucked even further away, were the times before that. Of Noel asleep in his bed, tucked under Julian's arm. Of him laughing and laughing as they wrote together. Of kissing him and telling him that they were going to be brilliant. Of Julian feeling a sense of belonging that he'd never felt before. Of feeling connected to someone so deeply he wasn't sure where he ended and they began. 

 

It hurt to remember that. It hurt much more than remembering the fights or drunken calls. Or the embarrassing conversations with suited men where he told them they wouldn't be honouring their commitments. The truth was, it was easier remembering the bad. He'd held onto those memories so tightly he didn't know how to let them go. They were all that was protecting him. 

 

"Hey," she said, reaching out and touching his arm. "I... I didn't mean anything by asking about it." 

 

He smiled at her, gently shaking off her touch. "It's fine, I just try not to think about the good stuff." 

 

She nodded like she understood. He hoped she didn't. 

 

“You know,” she said gently, like she was treading very carefully. “It might be a good thing. You seeing him again.”

 

He raised both eyebrows at her.

 

“Closure,” she grinned at him, tapping her nose in an exaggerated manner and winking at him.

 

“Bloody hell,” Julian said, chucking the packet into the trolley. “That’s the last thing I need. I’m more worried about openings.”

 

She burst out laughing. He’d walked into that one too.

 

“You know what I mean,” he said, feeling a bit flustered despite himself.

 

“Maybe openings wouldn’t be such a bad thing either,” she said when she’d recovered herself enough to speak. “I mean, it’s been twenty years, maybe it’s time to consider it. You can’t keep hanging around here, helping with the shopping. What’s going to happen when I meet that Swedish model and he moves in with me to help with the varnishing?”

 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Absolutely not.” He sighed. It was probably time they talked about it. "I mean," he gestured to the shop and its shelves of groceries. "Can you imagine him here? He's not a real person." 

 

"Right," she nodded. "I too select my partners based on how they'd behave in Tesco." 

 

He grimaced, feeling sad and a bit helpless. "I don't - I know it seems exciting. He seems exciting and glamorous. But I'm not built like that. It's exhausting. I just end up constantly disappointing him." 

 

She'd stopped walking and Julian had to turn around to see her face. She looked so sad that he actually walked a few steps toward her. "You never said," she muttered. 

 

"What would have been the point? We're too different. We intersect at comedy and sometimes other places but ultimately we don't fit." He pulled her into a hug. “Besides, I was falling madly in love with you at the time, seemed rude to mention it.”

 

"Julian," she breathed, shoving him away, but he could see the smile she was trying to hide. "Of course it matters. I always thought it was the drugs or that he wouldn't settle down. I didn't know you thought it was you." She paused. "Which is stupid because it's you. Of course that’s what you’d think."

 

Julian shrugged, turning to start pushing the trolley again, feeling a bit vulnerable.

 

She caught up with him and hooked her arm through his. “For what it’s worth,” she said, leaning into him. “I think you’re too good for him. He’s a cockney burke and he should have taken what you were giving. Even though I’m glad that he didn’t, that I got to have you, even if it was just for a little bit.”

 

He looked down at her. She seemed to mean it which was embarrassing. He suddenly felt so fond of her that he didn’t know what to do. “Get off me, you harpy,” he said, roughly pulling his arm away and grinning. “None of that. You’ll have to find your Swedish model if you want any of that.”

 

She laughed and shoved him away from the trolley. “Just for that, I’m not inviting you for a three-way when he finally gets here.”  

 

***

 

Dave's big, open face greeted him as Noel opened his front door. Out of all of them, it seemed that time affected him the least. There was an essential Dave-ness that seemed impervious to time. Perhaps because he didn't seem bothered by it's passing. 

 

"Alright, mate?" Noel said. Dave had called to say he'd be in London for some meetings and did Noel want to catch up. He'd suggested a pub but Noel insisted he came to his house. He didn't trust himself with Dave and a night on the town. Everything was going so well and he didn't want to chance getting drunk and calling Julian. He told himself he was past that but he wasn't sure how true that was. 

 

Being with Julian again was confusing him. It was so good to see him. So good to be able to write something and not feel angry and resentful about it. But at the same time, he could feel all those old feelings lingering just below the surface. So far they were just pretending they didn't exist. That they'd never fallen out. But that was not a longterm strategy. Not unless Noel got ahold of how good it felt when Julian smiled at him. 

 

Besides, he wondered if it was time to tell Dave. He wasn't going to go out of his way to do it, but Dave was literally visiting. If he didn't mention it now it would be like lying. Plus Julian's concern that they might not want to be involved in another project with them had been nagging at him.

 

He let a few beers slide by as they chatted easily about what they'd been up to. It wasn't late enough to get to reminiscing but it was heading there. He put it off and ordered them food and some more booze. 

 

Hours later Dave squinted at him through an empty bottle. "What you up to next, then? Normally you'd have talked my ear off about it by now." 

 

Noel froze. He'd been working up to this but he wasn't ready. "I ah..." he faltered. "I was actually going to talk to you about that." 

 

Dave put the bottle down, suddenly interested. "Yeah?" 

 

"I erm..." he played with own his bottle, picking at the label. "Me and Julian are going to try and write a Boosh movie," he said eventually in a rush. There was a long silence. "Do you wanna be in it?" 

 

"What?" Dave sat right forward, the expression on his face was like Noel had suggested he was running off to join the circus. 

 

"Yeah, we got funding to do a draft script. We're going away next week to see what we can come up with," he tried to make it seem natural and like he wasn't terrified. 

 

"How? Why?" Dave did not seem happy. Noel's heart was beating a bit strangely. 

 

"That mean you don't wanna be in it?" he said in the end, not sure what else to say.

 

"Noel," Dave said, ignoring the question. "When did this happen? Why didn't you say something?" 

 

"It's been a month or so." He rushed on cutting off whatever Dave was going to say. "I didn't think it would even get this far. But it seems to be working. We've got a treatment. I think it could be good." 

 

Dave sat back, he looked at Noel for a long time. It looked like he was searching his face for something. "How're you holding up being with him again?" 

 

The question was so open, his tone so understanding, that Noel was speaking before he'd even thought about it. "I'm a mess to be honest." He didn't want to lie, it didn't seem fair on Dave to not give him the full truth.

 

"Mate," Dave said, softly.

 

Noel looked at him, how sincere and sad he looked, and suddenly he was crying.  _Bloody fuck._  It was ridiculous. He didn't even know what had come over him. It must have been the drink and pent up fear and anxiety of the past few weeks all ganging up and leaking out of his eyes. He couldn't explain it any other way because he didn't even feel upset. But something about Dave's expression brought back the last months of the Boosh and the years afterwards with such startling clarity he felt winded. 

 

"My God," Noel sniffed. "I'm over bloody 40, I can't believe I'm actually crying. I don't even know why." 

 

Dave gripped his shoulder. "We never talked about it," he said after a moment. "Like, we all just carried on after he left, just went on to the next things." 

 

Noel nodded. He was probably right. He'd never really processed any of it. Not his feelings when they were working together and not his heartbreak afterwards. Maybe that was the problem: they'd never dealt with any of it and so they were stuck. 

 

"It fucking sucked," Noel said a bit wetly. 

 

"Yeah," Dave said slowly. "I know." 

 

Noel wiped at his eyes, trying to avoid looking at Dave. He supposed this conversation was a long time in the making. "I didn't know how to talk about it. It was like, I was angry at him, you know? We could have had something amazing and he just..." He wasn't sure what he was talking about, breaking America or their relationship. Thankfully Dave didn't press him. "But, I didn't know how to talk about it. I was embarrassed, I know that I didn't exactly cover myself in glory at the end." 

 

He chanced a look up but Dave just smiled a bit ruefully. "Do you think you're really ready to do all that again?" 

 

"I don't know, but I think we have to try." 

 

Dave nodded again. He looked a bit pensive for a moment before sighing. "We lost him too, you know. Me and Mike and Rich. I don't... it was bloody awful and I don't want to do that again." 

 

He hadn't considered that before. But he supposed it was true. "I'm sorry," he sniffed. 

 

"No, I didn't mean... it's fine." Dave reached out and clasped Noel's shoulder tightly. "You know how much I loved the Boosh. Of course I'm in for whatever, but, like, I don't want to watch you guys destroy yourselves again, either." 

 

He didn't trust himself to speak so he just nodded. 

 

***

 

Julian watched the train pull away from the station. He played with the strap of his bag, feeling reluctant to move from his spot on the platform. Somewhere Noel was waiting in a rented house. They’d compromised on where to stay, Noel keen to get away from London and Julian not wanting to go somewhere he’d be eaten alive by mosquitoes. Noel had found somewhere in Lake District, or more likely, their manager had. He didn’t know the details, content to let someone else work out the practicalities while he worried himself into a fug of anxiety about the week. He hadn’t been alone with Noel for this long in years, probably not since they were putting together their last Edinburgh show. Since then there’d been a constant stream of people surrounding them, acting as both distraction and barrier, depending on his mood. He took a deep breath, and willed his legs into action, he needed to find a taxi.

 

He waited until the it had driven away before knocking on the door of the house. The chances of them being recognised were much slimmer now, but he didn’t want to risk it. The house was suitably ramshackle, ivy crawling its way up the walls and partly covering the windows. It instantly felt like the right place for them. He smiled up at it, squinting in the early afternoon sun. 

 

When Noel answered the door Julian felt something unfurl in his chest. He was wearing a huge jumper, covered in tiny rainbows. His feet were bare and his jeans had holes in the knees. He should look ridiculous. He did look ridiculous. Julian loved it.

 

“Well, come on in then, you ball bag,” Noel said, pulling at the strap of his bag and tugging him into the house. "This place is mental. I think it’s haunted.”

 

He followed him in, grinning as Noel continued his stream of insights about the house, pointing out every weird detail as they went by. “This is your room,” he said, apparently having picked it out, despite there being plenty of others Julian might have chosen for himself. “It’s got room for your guitar,” he pointed to a space next to the window, where a stool was nestled against the wall. “And it’s got this,” he pointed to a painting of a clown hanging above the bed.

 

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” Julian said, dropping his things next to the bed. “I’m taking it home with me.”

 

Noel beamed at him.

 

“We should go out on the boat, see if we can hook Old Gregg,” Noel said, hours later, gesturing out at the boat moored at the bottom of the garden. They'd sat at the kitchen table, which had a view out to the garden and lake beyond. It was ridiculously pretty. 

 

"That's the last thing I need," Julian said, saving the document again. He grinned up at Noel, the familiar feeling of excitement at what they were creating bubbling in his chest. He loved this stage of the writing process, when there wasn't any time pressures and they could take their time with the ideas. 

 

There had been a lot less tension than the first time they'd tried writing together at Noel's rented flat. Julian smiled to himself as he scrolled back up the document he'd been working on. They'd made some decent progress, sketching out ideas, some potential characters and beats. They'd avoided the ending. Julian could feel the tension around it building, but he was content to leave it for now. If they had something good enough, it might help them weather that particular storm. 

 

It was late and he was considering turning in for the night. Quitting while the going was still good. There was always the temptation to keep working, to keep pushing to see what they'd be able to produce, but he wasn't sure he was strong enough for a late-night writing session while Noel. 

 

"I think I might head to bed," he said, hoping it didn't sound abrupt. 

 

Noel looked up from his pad. "Okay, cool. I was thinking of trying to paint anyway."  

 

The ease of the interaction made something relax in Julian that he hadn't realised he was holding tense. Noel seemed totally relaxed, he smiled down as he went back to writing and Julian watched him for a moment, drinking in the sight. 

 

***

 

The second day went much like the first, they worked on the script in the kitchen. They laughed. Noel had always said Julian was the funniest man he'd ever known and it warmed him to find that was still true. He still got a little thrill at coaxing a laugh out of Julian, especially the one that sounded startled. He watched the way his eyes scrunched up, so small he could barely see the way they shone with mirth. It made him happy, warming something in him that felt like it had been cold for years. 

 

"We should get some drink in for tonight," Julian said, looking a bit forlornly into the fridge. 

 

Noel had avoided asking for too much alcohol in the house, not sure they were ready for the combination of them all alone and drunk in the middle of nowhere. But he should have known that Julian would want something. 

 

"We could go and get some," he said. "The village isn't far. Might be good to have a break." 

 

Julian nodded and closed the fridge. "Yeah, let's try and get another page done and head out." 

 

It was a warm, spring day and Noel felt his spirits lift at the flowers beginning to bloom. "This is like something out of Beatrix Potter," he said. 

 

"Yeah, it's almost too nice," Julian said, pulling his coat around him as if in defiance of the sun. 

 

"Yeah, like we've been sucked into some horror world where at first everything looks beautiful and peaceful before you suddenly realise the plants are actually eating your soul." Noel reached out to touch one as they walked by. 

 

"Don't," Julian said, his hand coming out to touch Noel's arm, "that's how they latch onto you. They lure you in with their pretty colours but don't let them fool you." 

 

He laughed and dropped his arm. "Thanks, that was close." 

 

They walked along in silence for a few minutes before Noel smiled to himself. "I sometimes think I should move out somewhere like this. Get away from London." 

 

"Yeah?" He'd expected a mocking response of disbelief. But Julian sounded genuinely interested in his response. 

 

"Yeah, it's a bit much London, sometimes, isn't it?" He looked at the countryside spread out on every side. "It feels like I can breathe here." 

 

Julian nodded thoughtfully. Noel wondered what he was thinking, what had given him that almost melancholy expression. Although that was Julian's default. Perhaps he was just thinking about global warming. 

 

"Sometimes I forget that we're grown-ups," Julian said, seemingly out nowhere. 

 

"Well, that's because we aren't: childmen remember." Noel wanted to nudge him, bring him in on the joke, but it didn't feel right, he didn't understand Julian's mood and he didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing and sending him further into himself. 

 

"Yeah, maybe." Julian said, in the same flat tone. 

 

Noel stayed silent, wondering what he was thinking. 

 

"Watch out for the killer ivy!" Julian said suddenly, grabbing Noel and shoving him onto the other side of the lane, away from the house they were passing. "That curls around your body and makes you wear terrible clothes." 

 

Noel grinned, trying to hide how wrong footed he felt by the sudden shift back to playful. "Bloody hell, that's worse than the soul suckers!" he yelled, pretending to run along the road. "Hurry up, it looks like it already tried to get you!" 

 

He could see Julian's smile before he turned and skipped down the road. 

 

The odd, playful mood stayed with them for the rest of the day. Through the writing, where they continued to laugh until they cried. Through the dinner which Julian cooked while Noel pretended to help but really stole bits of it. 

 

Later they found themselves lying on the floor of the living room, looking at the cracks in the ceiling and laughing about nothing in particular. They'd given up on the sofa after the third bottle of wine. It seemed too complicated to stay upright. The day was a blur of sunshine and writing in Noel's mind. And Julian smiling at him. It was like a gentle thawing of winter. He felt hopeful and happy, a bubble of laughter always on the verge of escaping his chest. 

 

"That," Julian said, tugging at his jumper. "That jumper is ridiculous. Why is it so big?" 

 

Noel grinned, looking down at it. It was new, something he hadn't exactly bought just for the trip, but had decided he needed after being unable to decide what he ought to bring with him. It was black with a red pattern that shifted from hearts to circles and back again as it went across the fabric. It was too big for him, but it made him feel safe. "It's genius isn't it?" He shuffled closer to Julian across the floor, holding out his arm to show him. "The pattern changes as it goes down the arm." 

 

Julian squinted at it for a moment before reaching out and touching the fabric lightly. "I like it. It makes you look little." 

 

Noel laughed. "I am little. That's what you've always said." 

 

Julian hummed but didn't respond. Noel could feel how warm Julian was, the heat seemed to be coming off him in waves. He hesitated for a moment. "More wine?" he said, staggering up and pulling another bottle from the fridge. He plonked himself back down much closer, their arms brushing. 

 

"Sure," Julian said, taking the glass from Noel's outstretched hand. "That's exactly what I need." 

 

Noel poured another drink for them and they drank in silence. Noel hesitated, not sure what to do. Julian hadn't moved away and didn't seem bothered by Noel's closeness but he wasn't sure if he should chance his luck. The wine made up his mind for him. He went to lie down, aiming to wind up with his arm pressed against Julian. But at the last moment, Julian moved his arm out behind him and Noel paused. He wondered briefly whether it could be an accident on Julian's part, but that didn't seem possible. It must be an invitation. He realised his hesitation could read as rejection and so he carefully lowered himself down. 

 

His head ended up pillowed on Julian’s chest. He’d forgotten how small Julian could make him feel. How delicate and safe. He lay for a moment and tried not to let the feeling overwhelm him. He couldn't remember the last time this had happened. Any physical contact between them seemed to have stopped after that night in Leeds. He closed his eyes for a moment. It felt the same, Julian's chest was still the right height for a pillow, still comforting and solid beneath him. 

 

Neither of them spoke for a long moment. He let his body hum from the alcohol as he drank in the sensation. It was too much. He opened his eyes again and found Julian still looking at the ceiling, a half-smile on his lips. 

 

He decided that if Julian wasn't going to freak out, neither was he. For all it had been years, his memories of doing this were still strong. It still felt natural, if a bit rusty. 

 

He reached out to grab Julian’s hand and held it up, looking at his long, clever fingers in comparison to his own. The light bent through their fingers, shaped to their will. 

 

“Sometimes it feels like you built me,” he whispered, not sure what made him admit it. He'd said it before, in interviews, but telling strangers and telling Julian were different. But his mouth kept forming the words for him. "I don’t remember what I was before you. It’s like you built me out of scraps."

 

Julian stilled under him, like he was holding his breath. “Maybe we built each other," he said in the end.

 

Noel let out a slow breath. "Yeah,” he said softly. "I used to hate it but now I think maybe it's good. Maybe we built something good." 

 

Julian didn't respond, but his arm tightened around his shoulders, pulling him closer. 

 

***

 

Of course, it couldn't last. 

 

He woke on the third day feeling relaxed, happy in a way he didn't think he'd felt for a long time. They'd staggered to bed in the early hours. Noel had eventually lifted his head from where it was resting against him and announced they needed to sleep. He'd appreciated that he hadn't let them fall asleep there on the floor. The whole day had been so devoid of awkwardness that he didn't want to ruin it by waking up together. 

 

And the work was going well too. There was a rightness about writing with Noel that he'd never felt with anyone else. A confidence that he was writing something good and true to what he wanted to create. 

 

They'd continued to dance around the ending, although it was becoming more obvious that's what they were doing. It was hard to continue an outline when they didn't know where they were heading. Perhaps it was partly that that made him feel on edge, jittery, noticing that the chair was uncomfortable and trying to shift into a better position for his back. That and the lingering effects of the alcohol were making him feel a bit paranoid and anxious. Perhaps he'd sensed that it was all going too well. But every time they'd gotten close to discussing the ending, he'd felt tense, trying to steer the conversation away from a dangerous topic. 

 

"You know," he said, the fifth time they'd strayed near the resolution of the film. "Raising funds for this might be harder than even the show, especially if we don’t want it getting into the press." 

 

Noel looked up, a little frown on his face. "You think? I'm not sure - remember last year when that rumour got out we were doing this and, like, every journalist in the world decided to write about it?" 

 

Julian half smiled. The attention had been flattering, if a bit awkward as they'd had to spend the next month denying it at every opportunity. 

 

"I could always agree to marry the backer with the highest bid," he said in the end, tapping his pen against the desk. 

 

"Don't think Julia would approve of that," Noel said, a little grin playing on his lips. 

 

Julian faltered, not sure how to answer. He didn't want to outright lie but at the same time he felt reluctant. They hadn't told many people yet and he wasn't sure how to exactly describe what had happened. Not without it coming across more dramatic than it really was. 

 

"Oh," he stammered, "we're not... erm, we aren't together like that." Julian could feel his cheeks heating.  

 

Noel went still. "What?" His eyes snapped up to Julian. 

 

"Erm," he started, confused by the reaction. He'd expected sympathy or an enquiry about how he'd managed to mess it all up. "We broke up." If you could Julia sitting him down and calmly explaining that it was time to stop pretending to be something they weren't a break up. They'd laughed by the end of the conversation, agreeing that nothing substantial had to really change. 

 

"You didn't tell me," Noel said. He had a look on his face, one that Julian remembered well, it was the precursor to fury. 

 

He felt totally adrift. "I didn't..." he shrugged a bit helplessly. "Why would I?" 

 

He knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment the words left his mouth. 

 

"Yeah, of course. Why would you?" He threw his hands up in the air. "For fuck's sake, Julian. You didn't think that was relevant information before we started this?" 

 

Julian frowned. He wasn't a complete idiot. He knew what Noel was getting at. But the implication annoyed him. Years ago Noel would have been the first person to know. But now, why should he tell him? What right did he have to know? 

 

"No, to be honest, I didn't," he could feel his voice getting harder, his heart beating faster. It was his life. Why did Noel think he had some claim on it? He'd spent years trying to shove Julian as far away as possible. He couldn't waltz back in now and demand unfettered access. 

 

Noel looked a bit shocked. "Of course not. Julian Barratt doesn't deem it necessary to share anything. To give an inch." 

 

"I don't..." He stopped, still trying to get a handle on the exact problem. "Why does it matter?" He didn't have the energy to fight, not with a lingering hangover and the memory of how happy he'd been the day before so fresh. 

 

"Because you never give anything back!" Noel snapped. "There's never any indication that you're really here." 

 

How did they get back here? It was the same fight they'd had what felt like a million times but he was floored by the speed of arriving back to it. How could they careen between happy and angry so fast? Time hadn't changed the dynamic at all. Noel was still as much of a mystery to him as he was all those years ago. 

 

"I don't know what you want from me," he said in the end, running a hand through his hair. "I'm here, I'm trying. What else do you want?" 

 

Noel blinked at him. "You're here? That's the grand bloody total of your commitment? Turning up because I begged you to?" 

 

"That's not..." Julian sighed. "You know that's not what I meant. You didn't beg. I wanted-" He cut himself off, not sure what to say. 

 

"I can't believe you didn't tell me. Nothing ever fucking changes with you, does it?" 

 

"Oh fuck off Noel, you don't know anything about me," he didn't mean it to sound quite so cutting but it felt true. Noel couldn't possibly know how he felt otherwise they wouldn't be back here again. 

 

"Yeah, fuck you." Noel pushed away from the table with a scrape of wood against tiles. The door slammed hard behind him. 

 

_Yeah. That figured._

 

***

 

Noel sat at the bottom of the garden for a very long time. He knew he'd completely overreacted the moment the back door slammed behind him. He wished he could articulate why he'd got so angry so quickly. 

 

 _Fear._  He thought dimly. 

 

He always lashed out when he was afraid. He was angry that he didn't know, that right in front of them was another indication of how far they'd grown apart. But it was more than that. He'd been so shocked to hear that Julian was single again that something in his brain had shorted out. Julian was no longer safely hidden in a relationship. The idea was terrifying. As terrifying as it had been years ago, lying tangled together in Julian's bed at his parents' house. 

 

He knew Julian wasn't really interested. He'd made that clear over the years. They weren't really just friends, but Julian seemed determined to never mention it. Noel could sometimes see the cracks, he thought he could glimpse deeper feelings under Julian's resolve, but it would be gone again the next moment or, at best, the next morning. He knew it would never happen, Julian had made up his mind years ago. But he couldn't quite let the idea go, either. Not when Julian would sometimes kiss him or grab his hand or fall asleep tucked up against him. 

 

It drove him crazy. Like an itch he couldn't scratch. It was worse when it felt like the possibility was so close. Like, if Julian really wanted to, he could reach out and do something about it. Noel knew he wouldn't but he desperately didn't want to hear Julian say everything between them had been imagined either. That it had all been in Noel's head. He couldn't bear it, so he lashed out first. 

 

Towards the end, he'd found himself stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to desperately get Julian's attention, to break through his walls. But then equally desperately trying to show him he didn't actually care about him. He found himself acting out, doing more and more outlandish shows of casual cruelty and anger to hide his feelings. But each one left him terrified that Julian would leave. He watched himself do it, over and over, unable to stop. 

 

The drinking and drugs didn't help keep him level, either. But it was a cycle. Drink to forget how angry he was with himself and Julian. Mess up and do something to push him away. Freak out and beg him not to go. Rinse and repeat. Until Julian had eventually got bored and left. 

 

He tried not to think about the ways he'd embarrassed himself during that last year. Like with Simon. He shuddered at the memory. 

 

^^^^^

 

He was a friend of Julian's from way back. A musician and older than Noel, proper accomplished at loads of instruments. Noel had never really liked him, sensing he felt Julian was lowering himself by doing comedy. By being with Noel. It was the way he looked at Noel when he was talking, like he was moments away from rolling his eyes. Like he was always waiting for him to leave so he could capture Julian's attention back. 

 

Noel had felt amused by it in the early days. Perhaps even a little smug, knowing that Julian had chosen comedy. And him. He was content to let him sit with Julian and discuss music in hushed, superior tones. But during the last tour Simon had started turning up more and more, appearing backstage and offering Julian lifts to the next venue. 

 

Julian would get this look when he appeared: pleased, almost grateful that he was there. When Simon was around Julian wouldn't look up when Noel came in the room. 

 

It came to a head about halfway through the tour. Simon had been hanging around most of the day, and Julian had barely said two words to anyone else. It made Noel feel tetchy and on edge. He knew he'd been pushing Julian further away. Trying to claw back some control over his feelings. But seeing Simon and Julian together made his heart beat wildly. Seeing Julian smile and laugh like he used to with Noel made him think that maybe Julian was getting ready to leave. It made him queasy. Terrified.  

 

He didn't know what to do. Simultaneously guilty and furious with Julian for not tying. For not even putting up a fight to try and keep what they had together. The thoughts swirled in his head as he necked champagne backstage. Snorted some coke with the props guy to try and banish them. It didn't work, if anything it made them bigger and faster. 

 

He wasn't sure what even pushed him over the edge. He tried to remember the scene but all he could see was Julian's face, starting at confused and moving through embarrassed to furious. He'd been sitting at the far end of the room after the show. Everyone was already drunk but Noel's whole world seemed to be focused on Julian and Simon. They were talking, low and serious. But every now and then Julian would grin, his eyes crinkling into a pleased expression. 

 

"I don't think that joke at the end of the first act is landing," he'd said, suddenly. He wasn't sure why. Maybe he just wanted that expression turned to him. Or if not him at least not at Simon: a symbol of everything Noel wasn't. 

 

They looked up from whatever they'd been talking about. Noel's eyes tracked to where Simon's hand rested next to Julian's on the sofa. Not touching, but just millimetres between them. It annoyed him. He knew they weren't fucking. They couldn't be. But he had always found it annoying when other men touched Julian. It was a right he thought of as reserved for him alone. 

 

"It's fine," Julian said, looking a bit perplexed. 

 

And he was right. It was fine. It wasn't brilliant but it was a solid joke. It got decent laughs. But he'd wanted Julian's attention and he wasn't sure how to get it anymore without it being about the show. It was their baby and usually allowed them to disappear from the world around them for awhile. 

 

"It's not." He sounded petulant, he could hear the tone and he knew Julian hated it. He hated it too. "We should work something else out." 

 

Julian looked tired. There was something weary about the way he looked up at him. "Not now, eh? I need some sleep." 

 

The sting of rejection, especially in front of an audience, in front of Simon, hit him harder than normal. "But you're not sleeping right now and we need to work on this. It's not good enough." 

 

Julian's mouth tilted down in displeasure. Noel knew there used to be a way they did this without a fight. He could have slunk up to Julian and asked nicely. He could have suggested they go back to his room and try for an hour and if it wasn't working both get some sleep. He could have invited the others to work with them. But those ways seemed lost to them. He just wanted a sign from Julian that he was still as committed as ever. That Noel was more important than a bit of sleep and some bloke who Noel hated the sight of. 

 

"Noel," Julian's voice was tight, his shoulders hunched, like he could see a fight was coming and he was hunkering down against it. It annoyed Noel. Why did he assume there had to be a fight? Why wasn't he trying to stop one from happening? "Just leave it, yeah?" He thought it might have been the tone that did it, something in it said Noel was an irritant but could he try not to be? Like a bored husband to his middle-aged housewife. It made him furious. 

 

"Fuck off," he said. "This is fucking important and you can't even be bothered to work on it. What's your fucking problem?" 

 

"Maybe you should just leave it for tonight," Simon said, his hand actually moving to cover Julian's in a soothing manner. 

 

Noel looked at their hands for a moment. He was briefly reminded of him and Julian holding hands under the table while they argued with execs about why it was essential they kept in the third repetition about the shininess of Mr Susan's mirror balls. A sign that they were a united front to the world. It made him feel so lonely that something in him snapped. "Why don't you fuck off, yeah? Why are you even here? You're not part of the show." 

 

Julian leapt to his feet but Dave was faster, suddenly at their sides, standing in front of Noel like a barrier. "Okay, Noel, let's go," he said, placing a hand on his chest and gently pushing him toward the door. 

 

"I'm fine," he said, shrugging off the hand, "I just don't know what this idiot thinks he's doing here. He's got nothing to do with the show. He's just a fucking human shield so Julian doesn't have to do any work." 

 

"Come on man," Dave said, ignoring him and placing a hand across his shoulder and guiding him away. 

 

Noel felt the anger still burning in his chest, desperate to get out. He turned, wanting to land one last blow. But Julian wasn't looking at him. He was looking at his feet while Simon touched his shoulder and spoke in hushed tones. He'd expected to see anger on his face, at the very least frustration, but he looked sad. Tired and sad and hopeless. 

 

That was the night that Noel realised something was really wrong with them. Something he didn't know how to fix. 

 

^^^^

 

He hadn't apologised for that night. They'd moved beyond even bothering to properly make up. The next day Julian had just pointedly ignored the whole thing. At the time Noel assumed it was because he couldn't be bothered to fix it but now he wondered if it might have been his way of trying to keep things together. He felt bad for not apologising. It was the guilt that made him get to his feet, as the light began to fade, and head back towards the house. 

 

Julian was in the kitchen, drinking coffee and staring at his laptop. Noel wondered if he was working on the script or if he'd given up and was thinking about other projects. He looked up when the door opened and froze, his hand still resting on his mug. 

 

"I'm sorry," Noel said, before he could chicken out or start another argument. "That was completely out of order. I was just shocked." 

 

Julian didn't move, perhaps pondering if it was worth continuing the fight. "Okay, thank you." 

 

Noel should have felt relieved but he didn't. Julian shouldn't just accept his apology like that. Howard gave Vince a hard time first. Lectured him. That's just the way they were. This felt too cold. Like professionals agreeing to politely disagree with one another. 

 

The closeness from the day before was gone. He'd managed to snuff it out. 

 

"I was annoyed that I didn't know," he tried again, hoping to get something out of Julian. Some indication of how he felt. "I was hurt that you hadn't told me and then sad that we weren't close enough for you to tell me and I... It just hurt. Especially because it was starting to feel like old times again and then... it wasn't." He stopped his own tirade by closing his mouth forcibly. His nervousness and Julian's blank expression had made him keep talking and he felt his face flush. 

 

"I... I haven't told anyone really," Julian said, after a moment of silence. He looked tense, his hand still not moving from the mug. 

 

"Oh," Noel edged toward the table. "Are you... okay?" 

 

Julian looked up at him, a frown on his face, like he was surprised by the question. "I'm fine," he said eventually, as though testing out the the word to check it. 

 

Noel sat down slowly, half expecting Julian to suddenly remember he was angry and tell him to fuck off. "Are you..." he stopped, not sure what to ask. "Have you told the boys?" He cringed as soon as he said it: it was probably the most insensitive thing he could have asked. 

 

Julian shrugged. "There's nothing to tell them, nothing has actually changed yet. I guess eventually I'll find somewhere else to live, but it's going to be as close as possible. I guess we'll figure something out then." 

 

Noel was desperate to ask what had happened, but he didn't dare. It didn't feel like his right. Not anymore. He guessed he could rule out one or the other of them finding someone else if Julian was still living at the house. 

 

He looked at Julian, trying to gauge if that was all he'd be willing to give. It was a fine line, trying to get Julian to talk about his feelings, especially if it was a sensitive topic. It was like walking through a minefield, never entirely sure if the next footstep might trigger something, causing Julian to clam up or explode in anger. 

 

"I'm sorry, Ju." He decided against a direct question, not wanting to push. 

 

Julian looked up, meeting his eyes for the first time. He looked sad, but not devastated and he wondered who had actually made the decision. "Thank you." 

 

The conversation was closed, Noel could tell that without having to probe any further. He wasn't sure if he was actually forgiven, though, or if Julian just wanted to stop talking about it. He sat still, waiting for Julian to make the next move. He knew that if he wasn't forgiven the next step would be for Julian to leave the room. He might even get in one last comment, just to show that they weren't done with the fight, even if this leg of it was over. 

 

There was a long a silence. But Noel didn't mind that. He'd gotten used to waiting for Julian to speak and he was content as long as he wasn't actively being shouted at. Julian fidgeted with the laptop and drank some of his coffee. Noel looked at his hands. 

 

He wondered if Julia had fought to keep him. Had she always known that she wouldn't be able to? Or was it the other way around? It was something Julian would do: enter into a doomed relationship out of some romantic notion. 

 

"Did you want food? I made some, it's in the oven if you're hungry," Julian said into the quiet. 

 

"Yeah, thanks." He stood and went to the oven. He was forgiven then. For now. 

 

***

 

They'd gone backwards. The morning came and the awkward tension from the day before lingered. They edged around each other, politely making breakfast and putting off starting work on the script. 

 

He told himself it was important that Noel had apologised. He didn't used to. Not at the end. In the early days, they'd had relatively few fights. Noel seemed to think they'd only ever had two. Whenever they were asked in interviews he insisted it was just two fights. Both related to shows. But Julian remembered more and he wondered why Noel ever only counted those two. Perhaps to him the others were just bickering, an extension of the show. He missed the ease of being able to sidle up to him, apologise for the harsh words and be pulled into a fierce hug while they sniffed and pretended their eyes weren't wet. 

 

As he lay in bed that night he'd mulled over Noel's reaction. Perhaps it was just as he'd said, shock and sadness that he hadn't known. But it felt like there was something else, Noel hadn't met his eye and that wasn't normal. He was well versed in the moments after a fight with Noel. He either came out and plainly apologised, eye contact firm and mouth downturned or he didn't apologise at all because he thought he was in the right. Noel wasn't by and large a deceitful or closed person, if he thought he'd been a burke he'd say so and try and make amends. Even when the reasons were embarrassing like jealousy or a misunderstanding. 

 

Julian was more of a closed book. At the start it hadn't mattered but it was what had slowly eaten away at their ability to talk to each other. Get past their issues.  

 

People sometimes asked him why he’d stayed as long as he had. Especially when it was apparently clear to everyone with even a passing knowledge of his moods that he’d been miserable. He’d always shrugged and made a joke about the piles of money. But, there was more to it than that. More to it even than feeling guilty and obligated to all those people depending on the Boosh to make a living. He could never articulate it exactly, but when he tried, his mind always took him back to a night after the wrap of series three. Things had been bad all through the edit process, Noel getting more and more irritable, more prone to staying out until five in the morning with people Julian, and possibly Noel, didn’t know the names of. He could start to feel the steams of the relationship fraying, pulling tighter and tighter.

 

 

^^^^

 

They’d needed to work on the live show. They both knew it and both kept inventing reasons not to. Perhaps it was the idea that they’d need to be alone in a room together, something that was becoming more and more difficult as time went on. Julian couldn’t bear it. Seeing Noel and not being able to connect to him. Everything felt wrong and irritable.

 

But one night they found themselves at a house party. Julian was never sure who had thrown it or why he’d even agreed to go. But when he’d turned up, after a few pre-drinks to make the idea of walking into a room full of people that would all want to speak to him bearable, he found Noel was already there. He was moving easily through the crowd, holding a Polaroid camera, snapping shots and giggling with people about the results. He’d felt frozen for a moment, unsure whether he should even try and get his attention to say hello.

 

Noel must have seen him, but he made no attempt to come over. It stung. It shouldn’t have, but he felt it keenly as he made small talk with people that he didn’t care about. He noticed Noel slipping off to the loo in groups and tried not to think about. He was hardly one to lecture anyone on drug use. Instead, he drank too much and tried to laugh and not care about the empty space at his side where Noel used to linger.

 

As the night had gone on, he’d seen Noel start to look at him. From across the room, he’d feel Noel’s eyes on him as he chatted to people. He looked over, trying to catch his eye and smile but Noel would melt back into a throng of people. It made his heart beat a bit harder to know that Noel was still looking at him, even with all those other people around him. Noel was still noticing him. Much later, when other people had gone home or onto clubs, Noel suddenly appeared at his side.

 

“Say mushroom,” he muttered, his arm sneaking around Julian’s waist.

 

Julian couldn’t help but smile as he felt Noel’s lips touch his cheek as the camera flashed, momentarily blinding him. Noel smelt of booze and cigarettes, but he felt warm and right pressed against his side. He tried to say something but Noel was already gone, winding his way into the kitchen. He felt cold and sad, watching him go. He finished his drink quickly, needing to make his getaway, wanting to put some more space between them. It was always worse when it was like that. They weren’t even arguing, he thought he might prefer it if they were, at least Noel would acknowledge him that way.

 

He was just pulling on his coat when Noel appeared next to him. “You’re wearing my necklace,” he said, pointing at Julian’s chest.

 

His hand came up to grip the pendent, almost involuntarily, like he was trying to hide it or stop Noel reaching out and taking it back. He hadn’t realised it was visible, but his shirt had somehow come undone during the night. It felt warm and familiar in his palm. Noel had given it to him one day while they were writing the first series. A lucky charm he’d called it. Julian had taken to wearing it a lot, perhaps trying to ward off the stilted vibe hanging over the Boosh. It didn’t seem to work. “I wear it all the time,” he said, pulling his coat over his shoulders and tugging at the collar.

 

“You’re leaving?” Noel sounded a bit put-out, like he hadn’t been the one avoiding him all night.

 

“Yeah,” Julian said. Not wanting to start a fight he added, “I think I’ve had enough and I’ve got to be up in the morning.”

 

Noel nodded, his eyes not quite focusing on him as he pulled something out of his pocket. “Look Ju,” he slurred, moving close to him, his body pressed down his side. “We’re the only colour.”

 

It was the photo from earlier. It was a lovely shot. Noel’s lips were pressed to his cheek, his eyes closed tight. Julian looked pleased, his pleasure at the attention clear. It seemed more intimate than it was, like a shot from years ago. They were indeed the only colour in the shot, the flash illuminating their faces while everything behind them was a smudge of grey. 

 

He’d looked at it and wondered with a desperate feeling in his chest, if they were finally coming out of whatever this downward spiral they’d been in was. It had to mean something. It had to mean something that Noel had taken the picture, that he was pointing out exactly how Julian felt about it. They were what was real, while what everyone else seemed to insist was reality was background nonsense. Dull and uninteresting. It gave him hope they could get back to where they’d been.

 

“Yeah,” Julian said, his mouth fumbling around the words. “We’re the colour.”

 

“Don’t go,” Noel had said, his hand gripping Julian’s arm. “I don’t want you to go.”

 

So he hadn’t. Noel didn’t speak to him again for the rest of night. He’d copped off with some random that Julian wasn’t sure had even been there most of the night. But he could feel Noel’s eyes on him. Noel watching him, his entire focus on Julian, even when he was across the room and with other people. It felt like they were just waiting to fall back together, it was just out of grasp, but if he waited long enough, tired a little harder, he could get it. 

 

That look was just one out of hundreds like it. Those were the looks that had kept him coming back over and over. Waiting. He wasn’t sure for what. But perhaps for the look to turn into something. For Noel to forgive him for whatever it was he’d done.

 

^^^^

 

"Tea?" he asked, the next morning after breakfast, shaking off his thoughts. He wanted to know what Noel was thinking but he didn't want to continue fighting. He also had a sense that unraveling that particular thread would only lead to more pain for both of them. Besides if Noel didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't sure how to make him. 

 

Noel looked up, surprised. He wasn't sure if it was because of the obvious olive branch or because Julian wasn't normally the one to make the tea. Noel had, much to people's surprise, always been the more domestic of them. He did their laundry and knew how to cook. He suspected he'd had to learn when he was growing up if he wanted clean clothes and a meal every night. 

 

"Yeah, thanks." He sounded a bit cautious but pleased too. 

 

So he wasn't interested in fighting either. That was a relief. "Did you want to carry on writing this morning?" They didn't have long left and there was still the ending looming over them. But, Julian was reluctant to push them. Not in this fragile state.

 

"Yeah, course, yeah," Noel said, fidgeting with his hair and not quite meeting his eyes. 

 

"Great," Julian said, turning to fill the kettle and wondering how to get back to how it had felt before the fight. 

TBC


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was just a moment. There had been so many like it that Julian thought he probably shouldn't even notice them any more. But he always did. They'd never mentioned them after they happened and had hardly ever acted on them. Well. Not that often, really. Early on, he'd told himself they weren't really even there. Then when that wasn't possible, he'd ignored them unless he was too drunk to stop himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that ^^^^ is for flashbacks
> 
> This chapter now has the most amazing art by turn-to-silver-glass. It's so, so, so beautiful. As is all of their art. Julian himself thinks so. Check it out here: http://turn-to-silver-glass.tumblr.com/post/166658555759/maybe-we-built-each-other-from

Noel tried not to be too pleased that Julian was still making an effort, even after their blow up. Julian's cups of tea had usually been reserved for when Noel was ill or he'd done something particularly Northern and insensitive. 

 

Julian generally never apologised outright unless there was no other choice. Often he wasn't even aware how badly he'd cut Noel, so he had to go out of his way to point it out. He'd needed to push and push until Julian finally realised he meant it. After that, Julian would skulk around him, silently trying to show he was sorry. Little gifts might appear or cups of tea. Julian would always stand closer to him too. Never touching, but waiting to be let back in. In extreme cases he'd seek Noel out and stiffly apologise and sometimes his eyes would shine with tears. Noel's heart would always melt a bit. But he'd still string out the annoyance, pleased with the attention and wanting to bask in it. It was the closest he ever got to a wooing from Julian and he was always a bit reluctant to leave it behind. 

 

Julian was completely different when he'd been the one wronged. He would brood alone and once he'd made up his mind it was near impossible to change it. Noel had never been any good at final goodbyes. People usually managed to find their way back into his good books after some sucking up or even just a period of not being a dick. 

 

It was different with Julian. Once you crossed him, once you'd gone whatever passed for too far with him, you were out of his life. The shutters would come down and while he might be perfectly polite, that person would always be on the outside. 

 

He'd seen it happen. To promoters. Other comedians. Exes. Even once close friends.

 

He respected it on one level. It might even seem pragmatic, although Noel knew it was pure emotion, despite never being done in a fiery argument and slamming of doors. Instead it was a cooling, an almost invisible shift in his demeanour that meant you'd never be able to quite get back into his life. He'd wondered if those on the receiving end noticed. If they'd tried in vain to find their way back in. He'd never seen it happen, never seen anyone being able to change his mind once it was set. 

 

He'd never expected it to happen to him. Not really. Even when he was pushing as hard as he could to get a reaction from Julian. But it had. And it wasn't even done to his face. 

 

^^^^

 

There had been a lot of worst moments over the months after Julian left and refused to finish the film script. Noel found himself waking up a lot in hotel rooms, feeling sad and alone. He’d try to go back to sleep and forget about the nagging feeling in his stomach that some vital part of him was missing. They hadn't spoken since the day Julian left the writing room. Julian hadn’t answered his calls but he’d told their management team that he wouldn’t be returning to work on the script.

 

At first Noel had shrugged it off. He’d be back. They all just needed a break. They were fried after the tour and anyway Noel was desperate not to be in the same room as him for awhile. He just needed some space. Some time to breathe. He’d gone to the furthest place he could think of from Julian. America was a blur of colour and parties and a nagging sense of failure.

 

Julian still hadn’t called him by the time he returned home. He'd never been the first one to break and Noel was trying to stop calling him whenever he drank. It was a vicious circle of trying to ignore Julian even existed and getting so desperate to hear his voice that he’d call him at three in the morning. They had all gone unanswered. But, always, there was the nagging hope that they were just on a break. That Julian was just trying to come up with new material.

 

"Noel!" 

 

He’d just wanted some milk for his tea. He didn’t want to speak to anyone, he was nursing a comedown and it felt like bits of him were about the float away if he didn’t keep very close attention on them. He looked up and for a dizzying second Julian was standing on the other side of the road. But, when he blinked it was someone else. One of Julian's friends. Nick. He dragged the name from a haze of people that were always buzzing around Julian on the periphery. 

 

Noel waved at him and didn't even have time to hope he wouldn't before Nick was crossing the road towards him. As he got closer he realised it was the coat that had caused the mirage. At first he thought it was just a similar cut but by the time he was standing in front of him, he realised it was the same one. He was wearing Julian's coat. It had always been too big for Noel, swamping his frame. In the end he'd given it to Julian for a shoot. It was a little small on him, but Julian had said he liked that, so Noel had let him keep. He'd said he liked having a piece of Noel with him, keeping him safe from the elements.

 

Noel wondered if there was a way to forget things like that, whispered to him in dark rooms, or muttered after a hard day. They seemed lodged in his brain whenever he tried to tell himself that he was imagining the looks Julian would give him sometimes. 

 

"Hi!" Nick called as he got closer, he seemed happy. He was tanned and fit. Noel hated him, even though he knew it was petty. 

 

"Alright, mate?" he said, because he wasn't a total prat. "How you been?" 

 

"Yeah, good thanks. I've just been at Julian's actually." People did that a lot: assumed he wanted to hear about him. No one seemed to realise Noel felt like a chunk of him was missing and people were glibly pointing it out with a smile and invitation to chat about it. 

 

"Ah, nice one. How is he?" He kept his tone light, a polite enquiry about a mutual friend. It felt like his smile was a bit fixed, but he hoped Nick wouldn't notice. 

 

"Yeah, he's really good," Nick grinned. "Just doing a bit of work." There was something in his face that Noel recognised, a proud slant to his lips maybe. They were writing together. 

 

He'd heard Julian was writing. Working on a script for Channel 4 or something, but he’d assumed it was just a rumour. Julian wouldn’t be working on something if he was planning on coming back to the Boosh script. His stomach felt like it had dropped through his boots to splash messily on the pavement. He blinked, trying to right his vision. 

 

Julian wasn’t planning on coming back. He’d found someone else to write with.

 

He wondered if Nick knew how to work with Julian yet. If he knew how to get Julian to smile when he was so tired he could barely open his eyes. If he knew the expression that meant everyone needed to stop talking immediately, the one that only Noel seemed able to remove with a carefully placed joke or gentle touch on the shoulder. 

 

"Nice coat," he said, too abruptly. He could hear the sharp tone in his voice but didn't know how to get rid of it. It looked wrong on Nick. The fit was almost exactly right. 

 

Nick looked a little taken aback. "Yeah, Julian said it was too small for him, so..." he didn't want to finish, perhaps realising he'd stepped into something uncomfortable. 

 

"Suits you," Noel managed to force out. "It looked a bit daft on him." Did his voice actually sound that pathetic or was it just in his head? 

 

"Yeah, thanks." Nick looked a bit uncertain, which was what Noel had wanted but immediately felt bad about. He kept doing that. Kept pulling other people into what was happening with him and Julian. He didn't mean to. But people always seemed to think they had to pick a side. Pick a winning team. Pick a fight. 

 

Noel needed to pull this encounter back into something less tense and awkward otherwise Julian was going to hear about it. He couldn't bear the thought of him knowing how much it hurt Noel to see that he'd given away another part of something that used to belong to Noel. And it did. It hurt. He was floored that it still could. Surely there should be a statute of limitations on how often the realisation you didn't matter to someone could hurt you. 

 

He cast around madly for something to say but couldn't think of anything. "Ah, sorry to dash," he said after a pause that he knew had gone on a little too long. "I've got a meeting about twenty minutes ago. They're gonna go spare if I'm any later." He rolled his eyes and gave what he hoped was a cheeky grin. 

 

Nick smiled back at him. "Of course, nice to see you." 

 

"Yeah, totally. We should grab a drink soon." Noel was already trying to turn his body away. He wanted to leave. He wanted a drink. It was eleven in the morning, meaning if he worked on it he could be drunk by noon. He wondered who'd be around. 

 

He legs felt heavy as he walked away. He took a moment to be impressed that Julian was still managing to be casually cruel without even needing to be in the same room. 

 

He didn't remember much of the next couple of days but his friends told him he had fun. He'd looked at his call list to see if he'd called Julian that first night. Two outgoing calls. Both ignored.

 

^^^^

 

"We should do the ending," Noel said suddenly, trying to forget the memory. 

 

Julian froze. "I..." he swallowed. 

 

They'd been avoiding it. Noel could sense that Julian didn't want to talk about how to finish the script. It was like a black hole they were slowly trying to edge their way around. It wasn't going to work. Julian would happily put something uncomfortable off forever if Noel let him. He was terribly British that way. Like if he just ignored it for long enough it might go away. Noel usually let him get away with it for as long as they could. Pushing too soon only ended in fights. But, if he got it wrong then it led to them not having an ending to the tour the night before it opened. It was a fine line and Noel was determined to get it right this time. 

 

"Look, we've got to figure out the shape." He'd start with reasonable arguments and move onto emotional pleas if he got desperate. 

 

"Yeah, of course." Julian was squinting at the screen and scrolling the document up and down. It was a nervous habit that set Noel's teeth on edge. He was still trying to avoid it. Any moment now he was going to try to distract him. 

 

"Maybe we should include a sex scene." 

 

There it was. 

 

"A sex scene?" Noel laughed, "between who? Bollo and Naboo?"

 

Julian shrugged. "Just thought we should have everything. Action. Sex. Laughs." 

 

Noel rolled his eyes. It was cheap heat, trying to distract him with this. "Why not Howard and Vince? Maybe they should finally shag. Like the end of Pete Sweet. Imagine that. Everyone would go nuts." Two could play at that game. If Julian thought he was getting away with not talking about the ending he had another thing coming. 

 

"Yeah, why not? Maybe it could be a three-way with Fossil." He was still scrolling up and down the script, the words going by in a blur, his eyes determinedly not meeting Noel's. 

 

"Ha!" Noel bit his lip. "But, seriously. Is that the ending you'd want?" 

 

Julian shifted in his seat. "What, a three-way? Maybe that'd be funny." 

 

Noel huffed, trying not to get annoyed. Julian was doing it on purpose. He considered directly asking why he didn't want to talk about the ending but it was too soon after their fight to start another one. 

 

"I mean Howard and Vince, like how they should end up." He leant forward, gently trying to catch Julian's eye. 

 

It didn't work, he could see the screen reflected in Julian's eyes, two rectangles of light in the centre of otherwise almost black pools. "Sex scenes are better in the second act."

 

Noel let out a huff of annoyance. "But the ending? What do you think?" 

 

Julian finally glanced up at his obvious show of irritation. "I don't know," he said eventually. 

 

That was a first. Julian usually had an opinion on everything. Noel sat back in his chair and regarded him for a moment. What was he so worried about? There was obviously a bit of a disagreement looming about it, but that had never stopped him before. Besides, they'd have to figure it out eventually if the film was ever going to get made. 

 

Although maybe that was the point. Maybe he didn't want it to be made. Maybe this was all an extended way to appease him and get him off Julian's back. He crossed his arms over his chest. Well that wasn't bloody going to work. They were making this film. They had to. Noel's mind was already on the next stage. On designing costumes and working with Rich and the guys on jokes. Julian wasn't going to take that away from him just because they disagreed about the ending. 

 

"Don't you?" he said, trying to keep the tension out of his voice. "You must have some idea where you'd like it to go." 

 

"I..." Julian shrugged, looking a bit helpless. "It seems like it would be good for them to grow apart. To show that. It would be a bit different and it would be a more interesting ending." 

 

He knew it shouldn't sting, they were talking about fictional characters. But it did. He felt the metallic tang of rejection on his tongue. It was familiar and bitter. "But, that's not a happy ending." He could hear the hurt in his voice. He winced at himself and tried again. "We agreed to give them a happy ending." 

 

"It would be. Just maybe a bit bitter sweet, that's all." 

 

"No," Noel leant forward, trying again to catch Julian's eye. "That's not what this is about. We're meant to be giving them something back. We're meant to be thanking them and that means an unambiguous happy ending." He leant back. He was actually blushing because he knew it was a stupid argument. "Anyway," he said, shifting and hoping Julian wouldn't notice his embarrassment, "that's what people will want and it's funnier." 

 

What's funnier was always been what won the day in the end. Sometimes they'd fight over what was actually funny but once one option got bigger laughs the argument was over. He couldn't believe Julian had changed that much and so he just needed to prove his point. 

 

"I don't think happy is funny," Julian was frowning now, his shoulders hunched over. It was the start of him digging in. Noel could map his body language perfectly against each mood. He really cared about this. 

 

"I don't know, it depends. What about that satsuma fight at the end of Power of the Crimp?  That was one of the best bits of the series and that was just Howard and Vince being silly together. Or the bouncy castle crimp?" He was right about this. He was sure it wasn't just sentimentality that was making him push for it. A sad ending to the Boosh, or even a gently melancholic one, just didn't seem right. It wouldn't have the euphoric lift that they'd always ended on before. It wasn't them. He knew Julian preferred dark, complicated humour but he'd always been content to include that elsewhere in the past. 

 

Julian huffed. "This is a film though."

 

"Okay, but none of our live shows ended that way. They were all happy. We literally flew into each other's arms in one for fuck’s sake." He could feel himself getting het up and took a breath to calm down. When he looked up he realised he'd gone too far. He could see it immediately by the way Julian hunched further over and now there was a frown etched over his brow. He wasn't sure what had set him off though. He hadn't said anything Julian didn't know. 

 

"I thought we weren't going backwards. This is meant to be something different." His voice was tight. Stage two of heading into a sulk. 

 

"Different but not unrecognisable." He needed to deflect or make or a joke. "Maybe they should just drive off a cliff together, like Thelma and Louise. That'd be both sad and they'd be together." 

 

It wasn't a great joke but he didn't expect Julian to flush with annoyance and actually turn to glare at him either. "I'm serious, Noel. This needs to be more interesting than everything just goes back to normal with nothing changing at all. That's not how movies work. There has to be an arc." 

 

Noel wondered if Julian was being deliberately patronising or if he was just annoyed. He took another deep breath and tried to push down his own anger. "I know how movies work, Julian; I'm not an idiot. But, we can move them on without abandoning the whole premise of the show."

 

"How?" Julian sat back, his expression clearly showing he thought Noel would have no idea how to respond. 

 

"A million ways! They could finally win, or fall in love, or realise they were both tits but needed each other or leave to go on an adventure around the world. We don't have to break them up just because you don't want to write them again." He hadn't meant to say the last part, but Julian's grimace at every suggestion was so annoying that he couldn't help himself. 

 

"That's not fair," Julian said. "I'm talking about making this something interesting that people won't expect. I never said this was the last thing we'd ever do." 

 

Noel closed his mouth. He hadn't expected that. Would Julian really do something else after this? It didn't seem possible. His annoyance evaporated. "Really?" 

 

Julian looked a bit embarrassed. "Well," he stuttered. "I mean, obviously it depends on how this goes. I just... I never said that this would be the last thing." 

 

Noel was so touched that he didn't know what to say. "I'd like that," he said in the end, because it was true and he couldn't think of anything else that didn't sound stupid and cheesy. 

 

Julian must have been caught off guard by his response because he stilled and stared at him for a long moment. Then he smiled, a small, pleased expression crossing his face. 

 

Noel couldn't help but grin back at him. It was embarrassing really, it was like they were teenagers agreeing to a second date. Ridiculous. But knowing they were both pleased about the idea made his chest fill with emotion. He chuckled. "Well, good. But if that happens then we can't really break them up otherwise we'd just need to figure out a way to get them back together at the start of the next thing." 

 

Julian rolled his eyes but he didn't stop smiling. "We could do a prequel. Cast new Howard and Vinces." 

 

"Fuck off, no one else has hair good enough to play Vince." The tension was effectively gone from the room and Noel breathed out, his whole body relaxing. 

 

"Fine," Julian said in the end. "Let's talk about what a happy ending might be." 

 

Noel grinned. They'd managed to have an argument without it ending in slamming doors. That was an improvement. He could work with that. 

 

***

 

They bickered their way through the rest of the afternoon. But there was no heat in it. It was actually nice. A dynamic they'd been missing long before they'd stopped working together. They still laughed. But this time it was at each other, something the show had originally been built on. Being able to take the piss again felt so good that Julian almost forgot their argument. 

 

They didn't resolve the ending. Not entirely, but they managed to build towards something. Julian didn't say so, but they did seem to be writing a romantic comedy. Albeit a strange Boosh take on one. 

 

"I can cook if you want," Noel said later. "Thought it might be nice to eat outside if it's still nice out."

 

Julian grinned. "Yeah, okay, sounds good." 

 

He carried on tinkering with the script, marking a few bits to come back to later. It looked good. Not amazing, but it was a first draft. But he could see some great jokes already. 

 

"What do you think?" he said, standing and stretching out his back. It popped a bit alarmingly. The joys of middle age. 

 

Noel looked over his shoulder at him. "Of the script?" He was stirring something on the stove. It smelt really good. He flicked his head, trying to get his hair out of his face. It didn't have any effect, but he tried again anyway. 

 

Julian grinned before reaching over. "Here, let me," he said, gently, and smoothed the offending lock of hair out of Noel's face. It moved obediently the first time but he repeated the action again anyway. It felt nice. 

 

Noel stilled under his touch, watching him silently. The air around them seemed thick with something. Their eyes met and Julian felt trapped by the look he saw reflected back at him. He swallowed heavily and stepped back. Clearing his throat he nodded at the stove. "Smells good." 

 

Noel blinked as though coming back to himself. "Thanks. Yeah, it's err... it's just pasta sauce, really." 

 

It was just a moment. There had been so many like it that Julian thought he probably shouldn't even notice them any more. But he always did. They'd never mentioned them after they happened and had hardly ever acted on them. Well. Not that often, really. Early on, he'd told himself they weren't really even there. Then when that wasn't possible, he'd ignored them unless he was too drunk to stop himself. They'd happened a lot less towards the end, especially after Leeds. He shook his head, trying not to think about it. 

 

"I like pasta." It was a stupid thing to say, but that was the idea. 

 

Noel rolled his eyes, the moment forgotten. "You're a bloody ball bag. Everyone likes pasta, it's like the Stephen Fry of food. No one in their right mind can not like pasta." 

 

"Rice probably hates it." He leant against the counter and folded his arms, grinning at Noel. 

 

"Yeah, mortal enemies." He carried on stirring and adding various ingredients. 

 

"So, you're happy with the script so far?" Julian tried again after a moment. 

 

"Yeah, I think there's some decent stuff in there. It needs some work, I don't think the end of the first act is that strong, but," he shrugged. "We can work on that." 

 

"Yeah, I was thinking maybe Fossil should come in and scream until everyone leaves." His eyes were drawn to Noel as he moved about the kitchen. There was a calm to him that hadn't been present when they'd worked together before. He seemed more at ease somehow. Grown up, he supposed. 

 

"You mean you can imagine him in a supermarket, now?" Julia asked later that night when Julian was safely tucked up in bed. 

 

He moved the phone to his other ear. "Ha ha," he said, feeling annoyed that she remembered everything he said. "I think the metaphor still stands." 

 

"But it's been okay? No major dramas?" She sounded curious but there was enough concern in her voice that he felt compelled to answer. 

 

"Just the one fight so far." 

 

"About work or..?" She let the question trail off. 

 

He paused, suddenly not sure if he ought to say. The silence was a bit too long before he answered. "It was... errr... I erm..." 

 

"You told him about us." She sounded a bit amused which was vaguely annoying. 

 

"Yeah." He ran a hand over his eyes. "He just went nuts. No idea why. He said it was because he was shocked and sad I hadn't told him." 

 

"Hmmm," she said, as though Julian was an idiot. He was, but he didn't think it was fair to point it out in this case. 

 

"What's that mean?" he tried to sound uninterested in her response but knew she'd see through it. 

 

"Maybe he's not done pushing you away when you get too close," she said. 

 

Julian frowned. "How do you reckon that? It's not like anything's happened." He didn't mention the cuddle on the floor of the living room. It sounded bigger than it was. By their standards it was basically a hug hello.

 

"Maybe you should ask him, if you're not sure." She was so close to laughing at him, she might as well already be doing it. 

 

"How's the film?" It was a useless move to try and end the conversation. 

 

"Oh fine, you know, boring and then too busy." She sighed. "Are you okay?" 

 

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, a bit bemused by the question. 

 

"He's not..." she didn't finish the question. "You're being careful?" 

 

He shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed by both the question and its implication. "It's really fine. Like I say, we've moved on, we're different."

 

She was silent for a long time. Julian checked she hadn't hung up and was thinking of something to say before she spoke again. "I'm not sure there are versions of you that could be different in the way you're saying," she said in the end. 

 

"Alright, Yoda, calm down. It's just a week away, I'm not going to go nuts." He moved the conversation along by asking about the boys.

 

But he pondered it after she'd hung up. He'd pretended to not even understand what she meant. But he did. People didn't change, not really. Why would they want to? They might create modifications on the original model, but essentially they were still the same people. But whether that meant they were still the same people who had first met and fallen together or the people who couldn't be in the same room anymore, he didn't know. 

 

There had always been a balancing act between them. A dance around something between them that they both pretended they couldn't see. That had shattered after Leeds. That's where things had really gone wrong. 

 

Julian closed his eyes, not sure if he was trying to suppress the memory or make it clearer. 

 

^^^^

 

Noel loved staying at Julian’s parents’ whenever they were within distance to get there after a gig. He imaged it was a glimpse into a ‘proper’ family, one that seemed normal and safe compared to what Noel had growing up. 

 

Julian’s mother adored Noel, she’d taken one look at him after they started working together and decided that he needed a good meal and a big hug. She tried to do both whenever he was close enough for her to wrap her arms around him. Noel would look a bit bashful but Julian noticed the way he lingered in the hug, like he was trying to soak it all in. In the very early days, his father would offer them lifts and cash in case they needed anything. Julian rolled his eyes and tried to drag Noel away. But Noel would try to stand a little taller when his father was around. He’d slip deeper into his accent and mention the football, as though any of the Barratt men knew anything about football. The thought that Noel was trying to impress his parents made him blush with a sort of happy, embarrassed pride. In return his parents would dote on Noel, listening to his stories, pulling out anecdotes about their shows and plans that Julian would never quite find the time to tell.

 

It was just before the Mighty Boosh tour after series two, although the memory had a hazy feeling to it, like it could have happened any time. Or not at all. 

 

Julian had insisted they could stay in hotels, but his mother had somehow cornered Noel and together they’d agree they’d stay with her for a couple of nights when they were up North. Noel had talked about it ever since, badgering Julian into agreeing to a tour of his old hangouts. “We can have a night out on the town, like when you were a baby. I want to see it. I want to better imagine you there.”

 

Julian never thought to ask why Noel wanted that. He always came out with those sorts of things, like he was trying to build a mental collage of Julian’s life and feelings. He didn’t like to admit it, but it made him feel proud that Noel cared, that he was taking the time to learn those parts of him. But it was more than that, he wanted Noel to be connected to those parts of him too.

 

They’d spent the day after a nearby gig trudging around the places Julian had spent his youth. He’d pointed out where Mary Jacobs had dumped him in front of the entire class and where he’d had his first kiss. Noel grinned and laughed and skipped around. “It’s like I can feel you here,” he said, as they stood in the fields near the house he’d grown up in. “Like you left a part of yourself here.”

 

Julian blinked at him, wondering what that meant. “Come here,” he’d said in the end, “you’re going to freeze to death.” 

 

Noel had been shivering for at least half an hour but refusing to go home. He’d also refused a coat, but he looked fragile, like an exotic bird left to fend for itself in the wilds of the British countryside. He pulled Noel to him, wrapping his arms around him so his coat was around them both. Noel rested his head on his chest for a moment before bringing his arms up around Julian’s back inside the coat. Something had shifted between them as they stood there, amongst the ghosts of Julian's childhood. Something invisible but vital. Noel soaked into his very being.

 

That night they’d stayed up with his parents, Noel hanging off their every word, laughing at every story about Julian’s past and talking about the future with wide, excited eyes. His parents had eventually gone to bed, three bottles of wine later, around two. They’d been left sat together on the sofa silently listening the house settle around them.

 

They’d always been best at night, the dark wrapping around them, making it feel like it was just the two of them, the world a distant memory. Julian found it harder to remember all the reasons he tried to keep his fingers, his hands, in check. He'd been considering reaching out and running his hand through his hair when Noel had wobbled to his feet suddenly. 

 

“We should listen to your Dad’s records,” he whispered. “This player is calling to me. I wanna hear what your childhood sounded like.”

 

Julian hadn’t thought to argue. He’d joined Noel at the player, picking out some of his favourites. The liquor cabinet was nestled next to the player, so it seemed only reasonable to snag the opened bottle of whiskey on their way back to the sofa. Half the bottle later and they’d moved the sofa back against the wall and stacked the coffee table precariously on top of it.

 

They’d danced about to the hushed sounds of the music, giggling and grabbing onto each other for support. Despite the alcohol, Julian could still perfectly picture Noel’s face as they danced. It was everything he’d liked about him all in one image: his eyes bright and happy, encouraging Julian through something he found vaguely awkward. His makeup was smudged but he still managed to look beautiful.

 

“You’re so beautiful.” Noel was tucked into him, swaying them to the music. Julian hadn’t thought about the words, or what they meant or even the reaction. But Noel had looked up at him, his smile bright and happy. Looking down at him, it seemed natural to lean down and close the distance between them. He tipped his head down just a little and Noel was already there, bringing his head up to meet him halfway.

 

It wasn’t their first kiss. Not by a long shot. It wasn’t even their first kiss when there was no one to see them, no one to perform to. They’d been kissing since pretty much their first performance. Julian had been the one to start it, bringing Noel in and placing a kiss on his face, his forehead or lips. It had been funny or perhaps it was a show of dominance, he wasn’t sure. But it had changed over the years. They’d kissed in clubs and at house parties, pressed against each other while the edges of what they were to each other blurred around them. But he’d always been able to pull back. To stop his body from giving into how Noel felt pressed against him. He’d never been able to not think about the next day. It was why he couldn’t quite believe people who pretended they’d done something when drunk they didn’t really want to do. Reality followed Julian around like a stone around his neck. It meant that it didn’t matter how good it felt, he knew he needed to pull back. Noel didn’t want a comedy partner that was in love with him. Noel didn’t want anyone that was in love with him. Certainly not someone like Julian who felt too keenly, too jealously. It would shatter the delicate balance between them and he wasn’t sure they’d be able to put it back together.

 

But the day had left him wide open, raw, and he couldn’t bring himself to pull back. Noel seemed to have wrapped himself into every part of his life. He didn’t know where one of them ended and the other began. Noel felt safe and exhilarating all at once. 

 

He didn’t stop himself when he felt the hardness press against his leg where Noel was swaying against him. He didn’t stop himself when Noel’s hands fluttered down his chest, resting for a moment on his belly before coming to his belt. He sighed into his mouth, feeling himself giving in.

 

Noel made quick work of his fastening, his hand slipping inside his jeans to stroke him. It felt like electric running the entire length of his body. He groaned, pulling Noel closer to him, hands gripping the back of his t-shirt in tight fists.

 

“Want you so much,” Noel breathed into his mouth.

 

“Fuck, Noel,” he hissed and kissed him again, their mouths meeting in a bruising kiss. Their foreheads rested against each other afterwards, while he tried for a moment to regain some composure, so he could pull back. But Noel’s hand was moving again and he was lost.

 

The rest of the night seemed burnt into his mind in pristine Technicolor. They’d managed to make it to Julian’s room, where the streetlight outside fell on them through the still mostly open curtains. They’d moved together, whispering affirmations over each other’s skin until the sun was coming up through the clouds. Noel had been perfect, everything Julian had only half let himself imagine before that. 

 

He’d been reminded of the sight so many times since then, over the years, whenever the light hit Noel in a certain way. He made something in him ache.

 

Julian had held Noel to him in the early morning light, his arms aching from how hard he was gripping. It felt like he could already feel him slipping away, like a long running TV show where the main characters finally kissed. The tension was gone. Maybe that’s all Noel had been waiting for. To see if he could finally break Julian’s resolve so he could move on. They didn’t speak, Julian lay looking at the ceiling half desperate to find out what Noel would say and scared to end the moment between them.

 

In the end his mother had got up; they could hear her going down the stairs and start cooking breakfast.

 

“Maybe we should go down,” Noel said suddenly. Julian didn’t want to. He would have stayed in the bed with him for the rest of his life if he could have. There was that feeling again, like Noel was waiting for something.

 

The moment stretched on for a long time. He could feel Noel tense beside him, obviously getting ready to move. “Noel,” he said, fear making him speak in case the moment was lost forever, “we should-“

 

“Come on, Ju,” Noel said, standing up and offering him a grin. It looked weird, like something from before. Like the night had never even happened. “I can smell breakfast.” He quickly pulled on his clothes before heading out of the door and closing it behind him. Julian stared at the door wondering if the image of Noel leaving would be symbolic of something. He hated being right.

 

Noel had looked at him across the breakfast table, when Julian had finally dragged himself downstairs. He’d ignored his mother’s jokes about how he’d always been terrible with hangovers. There was a hard look in Noel’s eyes. He felt like he’d failed some sort of test. What the test was he couldn’t imagine. Maybe it was his ability to resist Noel’s advances that had been the key to the relationship and Noel felt like he’d failed them. He probably had.

 

After that it seemed like a slow and inevitable downward spiral to the end. Noel was never the same with him. The teasing and gentle tension between them was gone, replaced with an angry sort of resentment. It was like they didn’t really know how to be with each other anymore. 

 

Julian had tried to bury the memory. It didn’t do any good to wish it hadn’t happened and he could never quite will himself to do it anyway. It was precious to him, even if it had been the beginning of the end.

 

^^^^

 

He woke the next morning groggy and agitated. It had been years since he'd let himself think about that night. He'd dreamt about it too. He couldn't remember it, but he always felt drained and sad afterwards. Angry at himself for not being able to let go of the memory, he dragged himself from the bed and into the shower. 

 

Noel was already in the kitchen banging pots around. He felt awkward when he entered, the memory from Leeds so strong it felt like it might have just happened. 

 

"Morning," Noel said, oblivious to his turmoil. "I had this mad dream right..." 

 

Julian tuned him out. He didn't know where to look or stand. He wanted to sit down but it felt too close. He wanted to leave again but knew that would seem rude. He considered cutting in to mention what he'd been dreaming about. He wondered what Noel would do. He'd never mentioned that night again, it was like he didn't even remember it. Julian supposed he'd had a lot of nights just like it and maybe it didn't rank as all that unusual. Or maybe it was such a terrible memory he'd repressed it. There was no doubt in his mind that Noel thought of it as a mistake. 

 

Their relationship had changed so much after that, it was the only explanation. But Julian had seen a glimpse of what was possible and he couldn't go back. He hadn't wanted to carry on like they had been until that point. He was sick of it. But Noel, if anything, seemed to want more of it. To carry on forever doing the same things with nothing ever changing. 

 

Julian hated it. He felt rejected in a way he never had before and it had devastated him. Noel seemed not to even notice. Perhaps he was used to breaking people's hearts and still having them in his life. 

 

"You listening?" Noel said, pausing in the middle of filling the kettle. 

 

"To someone else's dream story?" His voice was hard and dismissive. He recognised it from a hundred conversations about breaking America or doing another Boosh TV series. He didn't mean to sound like that, but he felt bruised. 

 

Noel paused and blinked at him. "Yeah, you're right. They're the worst." He half smiled turned around again. 

 

Julian felt a pang at being rude but he didn't know how to snap out of the mood that had settled over him. He'd forgotten just how hopeless he'd felt when he thought about him and Noel. He'd hoped that the feelings would have faded. That he wouldn't still be in love with someone who would never want anything more than a grope and a comedy partner. 

 

He was sure that Noel hadn't led him on deliberately. That he wasn't doing so now. But it hurt and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. It wasn't like he wasn't used to rejection. It was just that usually he would be able to remove that person from his life. He didn't know how to be around someone and not feel so hurt by their presence. 

 

He'd ended up cold and distant as Noel showed over and over again that he didn't care, that there was always someone more interesting to be around. It would go on and on with Noel ignoring him until it got to breaking point. Until Julian felt ready to leave and then suddenly Noel would be there, sometimes literally clinging to him and asking him not to leave. Then the next day it was like it never happened. 

 

It was exhausting. He didn't want to go back to that, but he wasn't sure how to avoid it. Their fight was evidence enough that they hadn't really changed. That he still didn't really know what Noel wanted from him.

 

He sighed and got to his feet. "I'm going for a walk," he said, he didn't want to be around Noel, not until he'd cleared his head and shook free from the memories of Leeds. 

 

"You don't want breakfast?" Noel sounded confused and he thought he could detect traces of hurt. 

 

It annoyed him. He hadn't even done anything and he was tired of walking on eggshells around Noel. "Nope," he said, he knew he should add something comforting to show he wasn't angry but he couldn't form the words. In the end he turned and walked away. 

 

***

 

Noel watched the door close with a sinking feeling. It was the moment in the kitchen. Julian must have noticed his reaction and freaked out. He hadn't meant to show how much it affected him but he was caught off guard. They hadn't been that close since Leeds. He hadn't seen such an open, affectionate look directed at him by Julian at years. He'd frozen, his heart beating wildly in his chest. 

 

But it had obviously triggered something in Julian and he was running again. Shutting down. Hearing that flat tone in Julian's voice at breakfast had made dread settle in his stomach. 

 

He should be used to it. There had been plenty of times where Julian had become moody and standoffish. It used to terrify him, early on when he was always sure Julian was about to tell him that he didn't want to carry on working together. As time went on, he'd mostly learnt to ignore it, to spot that it was usually fear or hurt feelings masquerading as anger. But, like so much else that slipped away from him. 

 

Now that tone just meant another fight was looming. He mechanically finished making breakfast and sat down. By the time he was halfway through eating he was a bit peeved. By the end of washing up he was furious. 

 

Where, exactly, did Julian get off anyway? How dare he pull this? It was like the last movie all over again. You don't just give up when things are hard. That's not only unprofessional it's bloody rude. Noel had made mistakes but it was years ago. He hadn't done anything to deserve the silent treatment this time. Even if the fight was to blame he should have said at the time. You don't get to forgive someone and then be angry the next day. 

 

He sat, waiting for Julian to return, but he could feel himself getting more and more edgy as time ticked on. He couldn't believe he was wasting the last of their time here sulking over nothing. The irritation reached saturation and he stood, intending to find Julian and have it out with him when the door opened. Julian walked in and stopped dead when he saw Noel. 

 

"Alright?" Noel said, trying not to sound as angry as he felt.

 

"Yeah, fine," Julian said, his voice tight. 

 

 _That bloody git was still annoyed_. Noel felt himself freeze with anger. "What's up?" It didn't sound so much like a question as it did an accusation. 

 

Julian looked up at him and frowned. "Nothing." 

 

Noel nodded, his jaw tight. "Only you seem a bit peeved." 

 

"I... I'm fine." He had the good grace to at least look a bit sheepish about it, but he didn't relax. He stood by the door, frame hunched over and closed off. 

 

Noel huffed in annoyance. "Come off it, are you really still doing this?" He forced the words out past his fear. "Aren't you a little old for the silent treatment?" 

 

“I don't know what you're talking about, I just wanted some fresh air. I wasn't aware I needed to run that by you first." 

 

Noel fucking hated it when Julian used that condescending tone. "If you're not going to tell me what I'm meant to have done," he said, ignoring him, "I don't know how I'm meant to explain why you're wrong and being a prick." 

 

"I'm being a prick?" Julian looked genuinely outraged which always made Noel want to laugh for some reason. "You're the one shouting as soon as I walk through the door!" 

 

"I'm not shouting!" Noel took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "You stormed off and I just want to know why." 

 

"It was a walk! Leave off." Julian looked ready to open the door again. 

 

Noel stepped forward. "Don't do this again, come on, it's fucking stupid and it's why it didn't work last time." 

 

Julian glared at him. He was still, watching him for a long moment. "It's really not," his voice was flat and hard. It was another warning sign of a massive blow out but Noel was too angry to heed it. 

 

"You never want to deal with anything!" Noel pointed angrily at him. "You just want to leave. That's all you bloody do. Just like last time, I can't believe you're doing it again. You didn't even really want it to work, not now and not then-"

 

"I didn't want it to work?" Julian drew himself up, cutting him off. "I was desperate for it to work. I was always there, Noel!" His voice was rising and his face flushed with anger. Noel gaped at him. He'd never seen him react like that. He took a step towards Noel, his finger pointing forcibly at him. "Always! It's you that did the fucking leaving. Not me." He took another step forward forcing Noel to back away. Julian took a deep breath and when he spoke, his voice was a low hiss. "I held that fucking tour together. I wrote a fucking album to give you time to get yourself together. I fucking - I went to bloody HBO to get us a pilot and you-" He cut himself off, taking a deep breath. "I waited for you to choose me. Just once. Just choose me over the drinks or the drugs or the groupies. But you never did. So, don't you dare. Don't you dare tell me that I didn't want it to work. That was all I wanted." He turned and walked from the room, slamming the door as hard as he could on the way out. 

 

_Well. That could have gone better._

 

He stared at the door for a long time, trying to process what Julian had said. Was that really what he thought? That it was Noel that hadn't wanted it to work? But he was the one that was up for going to America and doing the film. Julian was the one that had shut down and walked away. 

 

But maybe he wasn't entirely wrong either. The idea that Julian had been trying to keep everything together had been forming in the back of his mind for years. He knew he'd been out of control. Dee had told him that often enough. His behaviour had been erratic, at the time if felt like he was just reacting to what Julian had been giving off. He was sure that he hadn't imagined the way Julian had slowly closed himself off. But the idea that maybe it was him, that Julian hadn't been looking for a reason to leave, that maybe Noel had pushed him, made him feel sick.

 

He needed to find out. 

 

He was out the door before he even fully formed the thought. 

 

***

  
Julian got halfway down the lane before he remembered that he didn't have anywhere to go. His heart was beating fast in his chest, hurling itself against his ribcage like it was trying to get out. He slowed down his angry strides and tried to catch his breath.

He hadn't meant to get that angry but the sight of Noel hurling tired accusations at him had broken something in him. He didn't have the resolve to keep everything inside. He was too old and he just couldn't keep doing it.

  
The film was dead. Again. It was a fucking doomed project from the start but part of him still mourned it. He had almost started to believe it was possible it might happen.

  
"Ju!"

  
He turned around to see Noel jogging down the lane after him. He considered continuing walking away but he knew Noel would just follow. The idea of being chased down a country lane by his ex-comedy partner was too ridiculous even for him.

  
"What?" he snapped as Noel got close enough.

  
"I-" Noel seemed surprised that he'd caught him. "I'm sorry."

 

The apology did nothing to ease the sadness and anger swirling in his chest. "Yeah? Again?"

 

Noel was staring at him with big, wide eyes. "Is that really how you felt? That I didn't want to choose you?"

 

He wasn't expecting him to pick that out from the tirade and it made him flush with embarrassment. He did think exactly that, but hearing it repeated back to him made it sound ridiculous. "Obviously," he muttered not sure what else to say.

Noel shook his head. "You can't really think that."

  
Julian wanted to scream. People were always desperate for him to speak and yet whenever he did, it was always wrong. "Fuck off." It wasn't eloquent but it summed up his feelings.

"Don't be a prick, I'm trying to apologise here." Noel was scowling again.

"I didn't ask you to apologise, I just wanted to be on my own. I don't want to have this conversation right now." If he could just get away he might be able to get a handle on his emotions, things were spiralling dangerously out of control.

  
"You don't get to decide when we're done talking, Julian."

  
He hated that voice, somewhere between brattish and condescending. "Neither do you, what is wrong with you today?"

"Nothing! Nothing is wrong with me, I'm just pissed off that you're moody for no reason and I was just trying to talk to you about what you said because you were wrong and I wanted to explain."

  
Julian looked at him and wondered what to say. He felt tired. He didn't have any more upheaval left in him. He sighed heavily. "This isn't going to work," he said slowly.

  
Noel actually reeled back. "Are you kidding me? That's it?"

  
  
"Yes!" He just wanted to get away. "I don't know what you want from me. This is just like last time. It didn't work then and it won't work now because..." he trailed off, hoping at the last moment to swerve the fight. He should have known it would be futile. They'd crossed that bridge minutes ago. Years. Possibly decades.

  
Noel went completely still for a moment, clearly gathering himself. "Yeah, why didn't it work, Julian? Because you're wrong. It wasn't me that was the problem. It was us." His tone was icy and calm. "It's been 20 years. Why didn't it work? Come on, do tell."

  
Julian was speechless. It always felt like they were having two different conversations.

  
"You know what?" he said, after a long moment where Noel glared at him expectantly. "I really don't need this." He turned on his heel, ready to leave.

  
"Fine!" Noel took a step toward him, stopping him in his tracks. "Fine, I'll say it. It never fucking worked, Julian, because we aren't friends. We've never been friends. I've-" he cut himself off for a moment and drew a deep breath. "We aren't friends."

  
"What the hell does that mean?" he said, feeling completely lost but no less angry. "I've done nothing but try and support you since we first met."

  
"Julian!" Noel actually stamped his foot. "Is that really what you think? That we're friends?"

  
He stared at him for a moment. It was like they were talking completely different languages. "I have no idea what we are," he said.

  
All the tension seemed to drain from Noel. He sighed. "No, you don't," Noel paused as though wanting to say something else but thought better of it and stormed back towards the house instead.    
  
***  
  
Noel was standing in his room. He should pack. The film obviously wasn't going to happen. He should leave. He didn't think he could watch Julian do it again, so he needed to be gone before he got back. That would be easier for both of them.

He threw some things into his bag. He hadn't bought that much and it took a depressingly short amount of time to pack. He considered calling a taxi but the walk to the village would probably do him some good. If he was going to cry he'd rather do it on a deserted country lane than in the back of a taxi.

He should have been more prepared for this moment but he wasn't really. Somehow after all their fights, all their time together, it still felt like he was leaving with unfinished business. He'd watched Julian flounder outside and felt broken.

 _Why do you never say what you want to say?_ He wanted to scream. Why couldn't he ever get through to him? He sighed and ran a hand over his face before picking up his bag and walking down the stairs. He needed to leave before...

  
Julian was back. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs staring up at him. Noel stopped a couple of steps from the bottom.  

"You're leaving," Julian said, his voice small and sad.

Unbelievably Noel felt his eyes fill with tears. "I have to," he said, feeling a bit desperate. "Please, Ju, I have to leave before-" He cut himself off.

Julian's hand moved in an aborted movement, like he was going to reach out to him but stopped himself. "Before what?" he said instead. "Before we say something we might regret?" He half smiled.

Noel felt a bit ridiculous standing on the stairs while Julian skulked at the bottom. He walked the last could of steps and came to stand in front of Julian.

  
"Yeah, something like that," he said, a sad smile of his own on his lips.

  
"I-" Julian started and stopped again. "What did you mean before? About us not being friends."

  
Noel sighed. "Really, Ju? You're really going to pretend you don't know? Even after everything? Even after Leeds?"

  
Julian froze and when he looked up, Noel's breath left his body in a rush. He looked devastated. "Look, I know I messed up that night, but I tried..." he trailed off. "I tried to go back to how we were before. I know that's what you wanted but I didn't know how to hide... how..." He looked stricken. "I didn't take the rejection all that well, I get that, but I don't understand why that had to negate the years of friendship before it."

  
Noel shook his head. He blinked and tried to take in what he was hearing. It was like a foreign language. "I'm sorry, what?" he said softly. "Rejection?"

  
Julian wouldn't meet his eyes. "Look, you made it pretty clear how you felt. I mean, I knew you wouldn't want..." He looked up a bit desperately.

  
Noel felt cold through. He knew he’d broken something between them that night. He’d always thought it was that he’d pushed Julian into something that he’d never really wanted. That he had finally worn him down. He'd woken up sure Julian would be wracked with guilt and desperate for a way out.  

  
It had never occurred to him that it was the next morning, that his clumsy attempt to show nothing had to change, had read as rejection. It had never occurred to him that there was something to reject.

"I didn't reject you!" It came out as a shout and Julian flinched. He dropped his bag on the floor and swallowed heavily. He couldn't believe they were actually having this conversation. But it was now or never.

“Yeah,” Noel said, his teeth gritted, trying to force the reluctant words passed his fear. “I fucked up, okay? I didn’t know what to do. That night – the whole bloody day was like something out of a fairytale. It’s not – it wouldn’t have lasted because I would have fucked it up somehow. I’d spent years trying to get you to see me like that and I was terrified that you’d go right back to not seeing me again. And you didn’t say anything." He huffed, angry that Julian didn't seem to understand. "I wanted... I just wanted to get some control over the situation.”

Julian was looking at him like he'd grown tentacles out of his face. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Noel actually laughed. He really didn't know. He actually bloody didn't know. It seemed totally absurd. If it had been anyone but Julian he'd have assumed they were lying or playing games. He'd have left the house and never come back. But it was Julian.

It fucking figured. The absolute tit.

"I've been in love with you for twenty years and I've been desperately hoping one day you'd notice and do something about it." He said it in a rush. As the words left his mouth he felt terrified but exhilarated too. "I've been waiting for you to love me back or finally, _finally_ let me be. I can't move on because it feels like we could have been - we could have been so good. But, you never seemed to think I was good enough."

The expression on Julian's face was almost worth it. It was almost worth the humiliation that was sure to follow.

"Noel," Julian sounded stricken again. "Noel I-"

"Look," he said, holding up his hand to stop him. "I'm leaving, okay? I get it. I know that I fucked up the chance of anything happening between us years ago. I know I was a prick at the end. I know that you never really saw me like that anyway. But I was sick of us not just saying it. It poisoned us. Not saying anything, it tore us apart and I didn't want to leave it like that again."

He waited for a moment, hoping Julian would say something. But he didn't. Of course he didn't.

It hurt. He didn't think it could still hurt. He thought he'd been rejected enough over the years to insulate himself from the final confirmation that Julian didn't want him. Had never wanted him. But of course he couldn't have been prepared for it.

  
Julian still wasn't able to speak even now. Noel couldn't even begin to count the number of times he'd stepped in to save Julian from having to speak. It was part of why they worked so well. But it was so hard at moments like this. He willed Julian to open his mouth.

  
_Tell me you love me,_ he wanted to say. _Tell me you love me, I said it to you._

  
He swallowed hard and bent to pick up his bag. He blinked, determined not to cry. It wasn't fair. Not on either of them. It wasn't really Julian's fault that Noel had failed to get the message and he'd hate himself for being so weak afterwards.

  
"You can," he swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, "you can just lock up when you're done." He tried for a smile and something wobbly and weak crossed his face for a moment. "See you back in London, I guess."

  
Julian was staring at him, his eyes wide and almost comical. He looked so uncomfortable Noel inexplicably wanted to comfort him. He reached out to touch his shoulder, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do other than offer a bit of comfort. But once his hand made contact he felt stupid and went to drop it again.

  
Julian's hand shot out and held it tightly, pinning it in place.

"Wait," he said. His voice was tight and hard. "Just wait."

Noel froze, his arm caught at an odd angle and his bag hanging on his shoulder awkwardly. His heart was beating hard in his chest. Julian didn't move for a very long time.

"Put your bag down," he said. It was a tone of voice he usually only ever used on set or before a gig. It was completely authoritative. The type of tone that made a bunch of grumpy men stop their tea break and listen. Noel dropped his bag onto the floor with a thud.

"Julian-" he started when nothing happened for a long time.

"Don't speak," Julian said in the same tone.

Noel shut his mouth. But then, they hadn't built their relationship because Noel had heeded Julian's orders that he keep quiet. "Look," he said, feeling panic rising in his chest. "I'm sorry-"

"I said, shut up," Julian still hadn't let go of his hand and Noel was starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.

"Can I at least have my hand back?"

Julian seemed to notice their hands were still joined and let go, it was a slow gesture as though he were trying very hard not to make any sudden movements. They didn't move for a long time. It felt like several hours but was probably less than a minute.

Julian blinked suddenly as though coming out of a trance. "Twenty years?" he said, his voice slow and deep.

Noel's toes curled at the sound of it. "More or less."

"You never said," Julian sounded a bit accusatory, his eyes narrowed.

Noel supposed he was right. They'd always written it the other way around. It was always Howard confessing his love to Vince. He supposed it was a form of wish fulfilment. Although now he thought about it, Julian was usually the one to say it in real life too. He was the one to pull Noel roughly to him and whisper it into his hair. Noel had usually only been able to manage a "Me too" in response. It always terrified him to be the one to initiate it, like Julian might suddenly notice his desperation and read something else in the words.

"I guess I thought you might already know," he said eventually. "I thought I was pretty obvious with the way I followed you around for a year trying to get you to notice me."

"I didn't," Julian said. His tone was totally flat and Noel couldn't read a single emotion from it.

"I guess I didn't want you to," he said, desperate to fill the silence.

Julian's eyes snapped to his. "Why not?"

Noel wanted to take a step back from the intensity of the gaze but he forced himself to hold his ground. "You didn't feel the same and I didn't want to ruin everything. I felt lucky that you kept me around at all to start with, and then it was all so..." he struggled to find the words. "It all got so big and there was always something huge about to happen and you were never... I could never get you to really see me. Apart from Leeds, and I fucked that up too, so..." he shrugged helplessly and lapsed into silence.

Julian sighed. "I wish you'd said something."

Noel felt a pang of annoyance. "Why? Because this conversation’s going so well?"

"Because I've been trying to find a way to tell you the same thing."

Noel’s head swam for a moment and he blinked, trying to clear his vision. "I'm sorry, what?" he said after a long moment.

Julian glared at him. "I don't..." he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It left it sticking up at odd angles. "I thought you knew... I mean, after Leeds you seemed so angry with me."

Noel didn't know how to even begin to answer that. "I _was_ angry with you," he said in the end. "You didn't say anything the next morning and I knew it was a one time thing. That I'd worn you down and that was all we’d ever have. I didn't want to be, but it was.” He shook his head, confused and a bit panicked. “How could you not tell how I felt? Wasn't the way I threw myself at you every chance I got a pretty big give away?"

  
Julian looked mortified. It would have been funny in any other circumstance. He always found that sort of attention unbearable unless he was drunk. "I knew," he stuttered. "I knew you... wanted..." he closed his eyes, seeming to be in actual, physical pain, "me," he stuttered out eventually. "But, I didn't... I thought it was just... you know... sex, and that after Leeds you were angry that I'd let it happen. That I hadn't been stronger and that I'd ruined everything."

  
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Noel felt strange, like his limbs weren't working right. He was weightless and might float away at any moment. "Julian," he said slowly. "Julian, I'm going to need you to say it."

There was a moment when he thought Julian was going to turn tail and run from the house. It's what Howard would do. But then he seemed to gather himself. He drew himself up. "I... I love you too. Have done for years now."

  
It should have felt dramatic. He supposed it did. His heart was beating fast enough to hurt but at the same time it felt small, gentle, like an unfurling of something in his chest, like something coming into bloom inside of him, gentle and beautiful.

He smiled.

 

TBC


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> History didn't suggest they made very good boyfriends. They were both needy and possessive in different ways. Julian had spent a lot of the last decade almost ignoring his existence unless it was completely unavoidable. Noel had spent it trying to build a life away from Julian and the Boosh. It was probably madness. He could feel the weight of it pressing down on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ means the start or end of a flashback 
> 
> I'm @agarlandoffreshlycuttears on tumblr if you wanna come and chat
> 
> This chapter is now complete with some utterly amazing art by Kietan273, check it out here: https://pp.userapi.com/c846219/v846219677/aaa1/4hzbNxU65FY.jpg

Chapter Four

Julian didn't know what he was supposed to do now. They were stood in the hallway staring at each other, Noel's eyes huge and bluer than Julian had ever seen them.  
  
Then he smiled. It was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, smile pulling his lips wide. "Could you repeat that?"  
  
Julian felt himself smile. "I love you." It felt good, like he was releasing something that had been trapped in his chest for years.  
  
Noel let out a small sound, somewhere between a laugh and sob and suddenly he was engulfed. Julian let out a small huff at the impact but mostly managed to catch him. After a moment of shock he wound his arms more securely around him, pulling him closer. He let out a deep breath and lowered his head to Noel's. His hair smelt fruity. He smiled and placed a gentle kiss on this top of his head.  
  
It felt like something from years ago, intimate and soft. But totally new at the same time.  
  
"Ju?" Noel lent back so he could look up at him.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Is this..?" He stopped, blinking up at him. "What's happening here?"  
  
A thousand answers flitted through his head. He paused, realising they were on a precipice. It was like that morning in Leeds all over again. Only this time he was going to get it right. He was going to say something.  
  
"I'm not sure," he said slowly. "But I think it's something brilliant."  
  
Noel's face split into a smile so beautiful that he had to lean down and kiss him. Once their lips touched it was like his body caught up to what was happening. Electricity jolted through his body right to his toes. It felt like a hummingbird was trapped in his chest. He pulled Noel to him harder, his arms tightening around his back.  
  
Noel meanwhile was kissing him back, his hands moving up to twine around his neck before moving to his hair.  
  
They hadn't kissed since Leeds. Not like this. When Noel had been drunk sometimes they'd kissed on stage, safe behind Howard and Vince but it hadn't been like this. It probably had never been like this.  
  
He pulled back slowly, reluctantly. "Was that okay?" he asked, he meant it as a joke but he could feel the fear behind the question too.  
  
"Didn't much like the stopping part," Noel said, his tone playful in a way he hadn't realised how much he'd missed until he heard it again.

Julian grinned and pulled him into another kiss.  
  
***  
  
They lay in Noel's bed later that night, Julian breathing deeply next to him. He looked younger when he was asleep, almost vulnerable. Sometimes it felt like it he'd always been in love with him. Perhaps from the first time he'd seen him, awkward and gangly on a little stage in High Wycombe. He hadn't realised how in love until a few years later by which time it was much too late to do anything about it.

  
^^^^

They'd been in Australia. They'd loved it over there, the crowds seemed to get them in a way it was taking the UK longer to catch up to. It made sense to build their latest show there, away from their normal life where they could concentrate on it. That and spend a lot of time mucking about on beaches and drinking too much.

He wasn't sure why he'd looked up from the book in his hands, perhaps he'd heard a shout. People were starting to stare out at the water with an air of concentration that Noel immediately knew meant someone was in trouble. He automatically cast about for Mike who was an absolutely terrible swimmer but let out a breath when he spotted him down the beach with Dave.

He watched from his spot as someone was dragged back to the beach by the lifeguards. It took a moment before he realised it was Lee. Feeling a moment of residual panic, he got to his knees to stare as he was helped to the beach. He was too far away to hear what was said, but Lee looked red, clearly embarrassed as the lifeguards checked he was okay. He was about to get to his feet when there was another shout. Someone else was still in the water.  
  
Noel did another check to see who might be missing. He looked for Julian. Then he looked again. Then he got to his feet and looked a third time. He knew it was him in the water before he turned to look, his heart seeming to stop in his chest before starting again at a million miles an hour. He wanted to shout and something wordless escaped his mouth. A sound of distress that he'd be later relieved no one heard. He could see Julian as little more than a smudge in the water. He was waving.  
  
Noel had just enough time to wonder if that was the last image of him he'd ever see, before lifeguards were rushing by him into the sea. They looked more like fish than humans as cut through the water. He felt himself calm as he watched the ease with which they moved. But Julian looked so small and far away that something like dread settled in the stomach. He didn't move, he barely blinked, as he watched them get closer and closer to where Julian was bobbing in the water.  
  
He walked toward the surf, his entire focus on the water. The lifeguards had reached Julian but he didn't look away. He was so absorbed, as though his concentration was the only thing ensuring Julian didn't disappear below the water, that he jumped as someone touched his shoulder.  
  
"He's fine," Mike said, squinting out at the water. "They're bringing him back in."  
  
Noel nodded, wanting to say something sarcastic. But when he turned he noticed how pale Mike looked. He swallowed and inexplicably wanted to cry. Mike wasn't meant to be worried. Mike didn't worry. He turned back to the sea just as they were helping Julian stand in the surf close to the beach. They were down the beach from them and Noel tried to not actually sprint toward them.  
  
Julian looked embarrassed, which meant he'd got so beyond embarrassment that even mortification was a distant memory. Julian looked angry, or at best bored, when he was embarrassed but this was something else. He was blushing, and making nervous jokes as he thanked the lifeguards who boisterously waved him off.  
  
Noel cringed a bit as they teased Julian about letting them know sooner next time in case he got swept completely out.  
  
Lee was at his side, looking a bit pale but clearly pleased to not be the only one in need of saving.  
  
"I nearly chose death over making a fuss," Julian said, rubbing the back of his neck and grinning sheepishly.  
  
Lee made a joke which Noel didn't catch. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off Julian. He wanted to reach out to touch him but he couldn't seem to make his arms move. Julian had always been so... solid and real. It didn't seem possible that he could die while having fun on a beach half a world away from home.  
  
Julian pulled Lee into a bear hug, which made him look both embarrassed and pleased at the reassurance. Dave was hovering at Julian's side.  
  
"Are you both okay?" he asked gently, smiling a bit tentatively at them.  
  
"Yeah," Julian said, trying to sound unaffected and casual, but Noel could see how tense he was. "Pride's taken a bit of a hit, probably won't make the Olympic swim team with that sort of performance."  
  
Lee laughed. "Yeah, I don't think I'd trust myself in a paddling pool after this."  
  
Noel still hadn't managed to form any words. He felt rooted to the spot, even as other people came over to check on Lee and Julian, he held back. He couldn't shake the feeling of dread that had settled over him. It was almost like he was afraid to interact with the scene unfolding in front of him because it would make it real. Julian could have died right in front of him.  
  
"You nearly became a solo act," Lee said, nudging Noel in the ribs and grinning.  
  
He wanted to form a joke but he couldn't think of anything funny to say.  
  
"Nah, you could have held up a cardboard cut of out of me that I would have haunted," Julian said. He looked at Noel, giving him the look which meant he was meant to banter back and join him in the joke.  
  
“Yeah, would have been better probably. Less wooden than you anyway,” he said, the words forming automatically. He couldn’t not join in, not when Julian was looking at him, his eyes a bit wild and needing reassurance that everything was normal.

Rich laughed the loudest, joining in with a joke Noel didn’t bother to follow. He was continually relieved that Rich was there. He’d never seen him in a bad mood and tension and tempers from other people just seemed to slide right off him. He was a nice balance to Julian when he went into himself and distracted everyone until Noel was able to coax him out of whatever had brought him down. Now, it was Noel’s odd mood that he was covering and he felt a wave of affection so strong he had to physically stop himself from hugging him.  
  
He could feel Julian’s eyes on him as the others continued to laugh and joke until it was agreed they should all head back to the hotel. Noel walked slowly, using the pretence of gathering his things to let the others drift away up the beach. He didn’t notice Julian waiting for him until he’d carefully folded everything into his bag and slowly got back to his feet. He was still watching him, as though waiting for something. Noel wasn’t sure what it was, but his chest felt tight and weird. They didn’t speak as they made their way to their shared room. Julian stayed close to him, their arms brushing as they walked, the contact both distracting and soothing.  
  
“Do you want to go out to eat somewhere with the guys tonight?” Julian said, when they got back to the room. He sounded oddly formal.  
  
He scowled, not liking the weird tension. “I’m not hungry.”

“What’s up with you?” Julian said, pausing on his way to the bathroom.  
  
He wanted to say something, to ask for some sort of reassurance that Julian wasn’t about to disappear but he couldn’t work out how to say it. Not without pissing Julian off or making himself look like a tit. He settled for shrugging.  
  
Julian walked back into the room. He was frowning and opened his mouth to say something else, but a bang on the door made them both jump. “Julian!” Rich shouted. “We’re going out for food and don’t trust you to be left alone.”  
  
Julian rolled his eyes. “I’m going to shower,” he said. “You get them to wait for us.”  
  
Noel tried to lighten the mood with a joke. “Don’t drown in there,” he said, trying to grin. “Should I send someone in to supervise?”  
  
Julian gave him an unreadable look before walking away and closing the door firmly behind him. He sighed and opened the door to let Rich in.  
  
The weird atmosphere didn’t dissipate as the evening went on. Julian started off aloof and cool toward everyone, which was his default position when embarrassed. But then he overcompensated by drinking too much. Noel hovered by his side, not wanting to leave, but also not wanting to really engage. Dave and Mike had both commented that he was quieter than normal, but he wasn’t sure what he ought to say. His heart didn’t seem to be beating right. Every time he thought about what had happened it would start beating crazily in his chest. Everything was making him feel a bit tearful, too. Eventually, when Lee made the hundredth joke about his and Julian’s funeral, he had to get away. He pushed himself back from the table and stumbled toward the door.  
  
The air wasn’t much cooler outside, but it was at least quieter. He closed his eyes and leant against the nearest wall trying to breathe. A sudden blast of noise from the bar altered him that someone had followed him out. He didn’t open his eyes, though, hoping maybe they’d get the message and leave again.  
  
“Noel?” It was Julian. Of course it was Julian.  
  
Noel slowly opened his eyes to find Julian much closer than he expected. He was looming right into his personal space. “What?” he asked, he sounded tired and irritated. Not the emotions he’d have said were foremost, but they’d do.  
  
“What’s with you?” Julian asked, his eyes wide and a bit hurt looking. He’d graduated to the needy, affectionate stage of drunkenness. It was usually Noel’s favourite but for some reason it made him feel panicky.  
  
“Nothing,” he said, “I just felt a bit weird and wanted some air.”  
  
“I…” Julian started and then stopped. “I’m sorry.” He said after a moment.  
  
It was such a weird thing to say that Noel just blinked at him. Julian seemed to take that as a sign to come closer. As he stepped further into his personal space, Noel reached out to touch Julian’s chest. It felt warm and solid. He looked up at his face, trying to map the features. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t seem to look away, as though if he stopped looking Julian might suddenly disappear in a puff of smoke.  
  
“Don’t cry,” Julian said suddenly, something like panic crossing his face. “I’m fine, I was barely in trouble.”  
  
Noel hadn’t realised he was about cry and he blinked quickly. He could feel himself blushing, because Julian was right, there was no need for him to feel so panicked and sad. Julian reached up and gently tilted Noel’s chin back up so he was looking at him.  
  
“I’m really fine,” he said again, his voice soft and deep.  
  
Noel buried his head into Julian’s chest so he could hide the way his eyes were shining with tears. Julian’s arms came to wrap around him. “Don’t do that, you’re never allowed to leave, remember?” he whispered after a moment.  
  
“I’m not leaving, you berk,” Julian whispered back. His voice was too hoarse for his words to have any sting to them.  
  
Noel closed his eyes tightly, Julian still felt safe. He was solid and warm and Noel wondered if he’d ever feel like he’d had enough of being held by him when he was afraid. He wasn’t sure when it happened and how much was the alcohol and how much was just pure comfort. But somehow, they crossed over from friendly embrace into something else. The shock of what had happened was still too raw to have any real boundaries. He could feel words that he’d later regret clawing to get out of his chest. He peeked up at Julian, wondering if he was feeling the same way. Then they were kissing. Julian pressed him back into the wall, his hands gripping the sides of his face tightly. Noel could do little more than cling on. They didn’t break apart until the door swung open again for a group of drunk girls, singing at the top of their lungs.  
  
They pulled back, giggling at the sight of the girls stumbling away down the road, the moment gone.

They didn't talk about it again, but Julian had pulled Noel into his bed that night under the pretence of writing more of the script. In the reality, Noel had lay with his head on Julian's chest listening to his heartbeat while Julian stroked his hair. It was the first time Noel realised he was so in love he wouldn't be able to find his way back out again. It should have worried him, but at the time it had felt so right and natural it hadn't occurred to him that it could be a bad thing.

^^^^

He wondered if it was going to be a bad thing now, as he watched the moonlight streaming through the window in his room with Julian sleeping peacefully next to him.

"Is this going to be okay?" he whispered.

Julian opened an eye, making him jump. "Why aren't you asleep?" Julian muttered, reaching and pulling him into an embrace. "Are you brooding in the moonlight like Cathy?"

"Who the hell is Cathy?" he asked, grinning at the casual affection and snuggling closer into Julian's arms.

"Wuthering Heights, you turnip." He sounded sleepy, relaxed and happy. He wondered when he'd last heard him like that, if he ever had.

"That make you Heathcliff?" he asked, grabbing Julian's hand so he could tangle their fingers together.

"Hmmm," he mumbled and dropped a kiss onto his forehead. "Did you miss that bloody dance you made me do on live TV?"

Noel giggled. "I did the dancing, you just had to stand there looking manly in suspenders."

"And not drop you on your pretty head," he added.

"And that," he agreed.

"Go to sleep," Julian muttered, his arms tightening around his waist.

"Ju?" he whispered.

"What?"

He wanted to ask if he was going to regret this in the morning. He wanted to ask for promises of forever. But he couldn't do it. He didn't know what he'd do if Julian couldn't do it.

"Goodnight," he said in the end.

"Night," Julian was already nearly asleep.

"I love you," he whispered again, feeling reckless and desperate to say the words again. They were as close to asking for a promise as he could get.

"Love you," Julian muttered back. It sounded casual, like they'd said it a hundred times. But Noel's whole body filled with joy at the words. They were enough. He'd make them enough.

***

Julian woke up when the sun began to bathe the room in too-bright light. He shifted, trying to screw his eyes tighter against it. It wouldn't do any good. He'd have to get up and close the curtains if he wanted to get any more sleep. He peeked open an eye and felt a grin creep across his face. Noel was asleep on his side facing Julian, his dark hair mussed and sticking up at odd angles.

He never said it, but he liked Noel best like this, he looked soft and young before he'd had a chance to fix himself for public gaze. He supposed it was because it was a side of him that hardly anyone got to see. He hardly got to see it either, but it always sent a little thrill when he was allowed a peek into what seemed secret and intimate.

He tried not to think about the last time they'd been in bed together, in Leeds. This was different. He knew it was, but he couldn't shift the feeling that the moments after Noel woke up were going to be important. Probably more important than the night before.

The night had seemed unreal in the same way Leeds had, only this time there was a sort of fizzing excitement about the possibilities. Before, it had always felt like the weight of their careers was crushing any hope of a personal relationship but with that gone he felt more free.

He wanted to get up and shower, maybe even try and make himself look more presentable but he paused, unsure what he ought to do.

He wasn't sure on the etiquette for moments like this. It had been years since he'd needed to worry about it. Besides, wasn't it different with ex comedy partners? What about after declarations of love? What about when there was also business to consider?

He considered slinking out of bed and avoiding the decision but then worried Noel would think he had changed his mind about the whole thing. And he hadn't. He was pretty sure last night was one of the best of his life. He didn't want to backtrack. But he was keen to avoid what might be an awkward few moments. Caught between conflicting instincts, he lay back down until his bladder just wouldn't let him anymore. He sighed and decided to take the middle lane; he leant over and placed a kiss on Noel's forehead before wiggling back out of the bed.

Noel was shifting, his face creasing into a frown, he knew he didn't have long, as he bent to pull on some boxers, if he wanted to have the conversation after he'd showered and had some caffeine. He turned to door.

"Ju?" Too late. He froze. "Where you going?"

He turned around, expecting to feel embarrassed, but Noel looked so sweet in the crumpled sheets, a little put out frown on his face that it dissipated immediately. He smiled at him. "Shower and I thought you might want some tea."

Noel blinked at him before smiling. "But I like you dirty," he said.

"My God, shut up." He could actually feel himself blushing which was mortifying. "I'm going to shower."

It was easier like this, with jokes they could navigate through the most uncomfortable situations. Noel was giggling into his pillow and Julian couldn't resist going back and kissing him. He hadn't anticipated how good it would feel, how natural, and he found he didn't want to pull back.

"I like making you blush, that might be my new game," Noel said, when they eventually parted, grinning up at him through his eyelashes.

"Please don't," Julian said, trying to sound stern but he could tell he had a bit of a dopey expression on his face. He hesitated, wanting to just get back into bed and never leave, especially with Noel looking so soft and happy. But he'd have to leave eventually. He took a deep breath. "Right, tea?"

"Thanks," Noel said, burying himself further into the pillows. "And toast?"

"Hmmm, don't try your luck," he said, knowing already that he was going to be making a full breakfast and bringing it back to bed.

Noel was dozing when he made it back. He gently placed the tray on the floor and slipped into the bed. He moved over to Noel to bury his nose into the back of his neck and placed a kiss there.

Noel was smiling when he turned over to look at him. "Hi," he said, yawning.

"Hi," Julian repeated. "I made food."

"Oh my God, genius," Noel said, happily sitting up and looking around.

They ate slowly, laughing and talking about nothing in particular. It was nice, relaxed.

"This is mad," Noel said suddenly. "Look at us. We're eating breakfast in bed. Together. After we had sex all night."

"Yeah," Julian said, blushing again and feeling stupid for it. "I noticed that."

Noel rolled his eyes. "We should, like, probably talk about it right? We should figure out what we're going to do now? What about when we go back to London? I guess we could just live here forever. But that might not be a long term strategy."

"We should talk about it," Julian agreed. "There's loads to think about." He shifted closer to Noel. "We should do that, but I'm just going to kiss you again first."

Noel looked like he might protest for about half a second before he gave in and kissed him back. It was a dirty trick, trying to distract him with sex. But he just didn't want to face reality yet. It was still too new. They needed time, he needed time, to adjust to the idea that Noel wanted this at all. He didn't want to rock the boat by discussing logistics. That never ended well for him. He somehow always said the wrong thing and ended up hurting people even when he was trying desperately to do the opposite.

This wasn't the first time he'd used this distraction on Noel. Last time he hadn't been able to pin him to the bed and suck him off, but the principle was basically the same.

  
^^^^

Noel had been nervous about how a tour had been going. Restless and unhappy but unable to articulate what it was that was bothering him. Their relationship was fraying at the edges. Julian's agent wanted him to keep pursuing acting roles and it was putting a strain on planning their tour.

Noel was acting out. Doing more and more outlandish things as though trying to show how unbothered he was. That night he'd found an old sun dress from somewhere, maybe the props department, and was wearing it backstage after the show, almost as though daring people to comment on it.

Julian liked it. He liked the jarring image of how male he was combined with the soft fabric of the dress. It was distracting. He couldn't stop watching his legs. Maybe that was the point.

Noel had begun drinking hours before the start of the show, working himself up. It meant by the end he was already drunk and high on the performance. Sometimes that made him giggle uncontrollably on their dressing room floor and sometimes it made him try and wind Julian up. Try to provoke a reaction.

That night he'd been in that sort of mood, pacing and complaining about everyone's performance. Insisting they were stepping on jokes. Julian let him get away with it for about twenty minutes before it got too much. He needed to step in or the mood was going to turn sour.

The room was full of people talking too loud and laughing uproariously at everything. Julian had been drinking neat scotch for the last hour. The room was just starting to spin nicely, with everything taking on a soft, unreal quality.

Without letting himself think too much about it, he stood up and took him into his arms and dipped him like he was in an old black and white movie, kissing him soundly on the lips. The crowd cheered their approval. Noel stopped speaking, gazing at Julian through unfocused eyes when Julian placed him back on his feet.

"Now, be a pet and leave off for an hour or so," Julian said, smoothing down Noel's dress and sitting back down in his chair.

Noel stared at him, eyes wide and bright. "You tease!" he shrieked, mock offended. "You don't get to do that and leave me high and dry."

Noel followed him back to the chair and, egged on by shrieks of approval, straddled his lap, not quite sitting on him. Julian's hands came up to rest against Noel's waist automatically. He wanted to look up and check who was watching but Noel's eyes were so pretty, smudged black with eyeliner, that he couldn't look away.

"That wasn't even a kiss," he said, firmly. "You don't even know how to kiss."

His lips met Julian's in something hard and almost punishing. Julian meant only to indulge for a moment but Noel was pressing against him so nicely, he didn't want to stop. His hands drifted to Noel's bare legs, ghosting under his dress. It was tantalising and he lost himself for what might have been ten seconds or several hours.

There was a loud wolf whistle and some catcalling and Julian seemed to blink back to himself. He realised his hands were on Noel's arse under the dress. He removed them and gently but firmly moved Noel off him.

"Don't know how to kiss, is it?" he said, reaching out and taking a drink of scotch, trying to regain his composure.

There was a general shout of laughter and more catcalling. Noel seemed a bit dazed for a moment. "As if," he said eventually, managing a grin, "I kissed better than that when I was ten."

Julian let the joke go and moved on to other things. He'd managed to distract Noel from whatever mood he'd been in and that was the point. He hadn't meant it to go as far as it had.

But he wondered later, when Noel had taken to wearing a dress more and more often towards the end, if he remembered that night. If he were, in some way, trying to provoke the same reaction from him. He never asked and Noel certainly never made a move to make it happen.

^^^^

  
"You're thinking too hard," Noel said, bringing him back to the present. "I can hear the wheels turning and it's distracting."

Julian groped for Noel's phone checking the time. It was nearly two. He liked this, he'd never been able to get Noel to be in one room for this long without a script between them before.

"Nah, I'm just thinking about jazz," he said, grinning at him.

"The weird thing is, I believe that might be true," Noel agreed. He ran his arm down Julian's arm softly. "You okay?"

Julian smiled. "Yeah, I'm good."

"I was thinking about the script," Noel said.

"Yeah?" Julian moved up the bed so he could lie face to face with him.

"So, that joke about bananas," Noel began and he was off. Julian listened, or he tried to, it was hard not to be distracted by the way Noel's hands moved when he talked or the shape his mouth made when he formed the words. Noel stopped speaking. Or maybe he'd stopped speaking awhile ago, Julian wasn't sure.

He should say something. "Right, good idea."

"Were you listening to any of that?" Noel asked, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Some of it?" Julian was blushing. Again. He could feel the heat rising in his face.

Noel was trying to suppress a smile. "What were you thinking about?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

Julian squirmed under his gaze. "Nothing," he said, unreasonably embarrassed to have been caught out.

"Liar," Noel said, inching forward. "Come on, you can tell me. I won't tell no one."

"Erm," he said, distracted again by Noel leaning toward him. "Just general thoughts. You know, like the weather."

Noel was mere inches from their lips touching. "The weather, was it?"

Julian nodded, but didn't take his eyes away from Noel's lips. He inched forward wanting to capture them with his own.

Noel leant further toward him, their lips so close to touching that Julian could almost feel them. Then he grinned and nodded at the window. "It's raining," he said, pulling back abruptly.

Julian threw a pillow at him.

***

It was still raining, the raindrops were beating a soothing pattern against the window. Julian had drifted off to sleep; he was an old man, he supposed, and needed things like afternoon naps. Noel tiptoed very carefully around those sorts of thoughts. It wouldn't do him any good to wonder if two middle aged men should be embarking on an affair. Was it even an affair at this point? They were both single. But there seemed like too much baggage between them for it to be a clean start.

He couldn't sleep, he was hungry and while sex was a pretty good distraction he was starting to get bored of the same four walls. He wondered about making dinner. Perhaps they could eat downstairs. He wondered if Julian would be up for a walk later or if he'd try to avoid leaving the house. He knew Julian was already worried about real life and what that might mean.

It wasn't like Noel was particularly keen to face up to any realities either. The whole last twenty four hours seemed like some sort of magical dream and he was reluctant to leave it.

He'd never let himself imagine what might happen if Julian ever admitted what was between them. He was always so stoic and Northern about everything that he sometimes wondered if he'd even noticed it at all.

He'd spent the first few years wondering if Julian even admitted to himself that he fancied men. Noel had always tried to be open about the fact himself. He felt that you couldn't dress like he did and not be up for a bit of bumming every now and then. But it wasn't something he particularly looked for. He loved women and usually felt happier in their company than men's. But Julian was a proper bloke; he liked neat spirits and didn't talk about his emotions.

It was why, when Julian first kissed him, he'd been so surprised that he hadn't known what to do. He froze and then giggled nervously, dragging Julian off stage with him. He had suspected that it was part of Julian's persona, of wanting to make people uncomfortable rather than any particular desire to snog Noel. Although that didn't explain why he would also sometimes kiss him when they weren't on stage. Occasionally even when no one was watching. But afterwards it had been like it never happened at all, Julian immediately going back to cool and aloof and chasing after girls that he didn't know what to do with when he got.

^^^^

They'd been at Noel's flat, sat on the floor of his bedroom, backs resting against his bed. The whole scene was lodged in his mind. It was stored somewhere with all the other awful moments that he and Julian found themselves in, seemingly completely by accident.

"The thing is," Julian said, "is that you've got to keep doing what's artistically pure."

Noel nodded attentively. He wasn't really following and Julian always got pretentious and overbearing when he drank beer. Noel didn't mind. He liked hearing him talk. Julian somehow managed to make it sound convincing. They'd long ago stopped bothering with writing, if they'd started at all, he couldn't remember.

"I mean, when me and Matt were dating, he was always so eager to please, wanting approval for everything. That's not how you make something meaningful, you know?"

Noel blinked jolted out of his pleasant haze. "I'm sorry what?"

Julian frowned at him. "What do you mean?"

"Who's Matt?" He was aware that his voice was several octaves higher than the last time he spoke but he couldn't help it.

"Matt, you know, I was in a band with him. You've met him." Julian spoke slowly, as though baffled by the switch in conversation.

"And you dated him?"

Julian suddenly went rigid, his face locking up and all emotion vanishing. "Yes."

"When the hell were you going to tell me that?" Noel tried to remember a Matt. He couldn't place him although he did think he recognised the name.

Julian was now frowning. "Tell you what, exactly?"

"That," Noel floundered, "that you'd had a boyfriend!" It sounded accusatory, he could hear it in the high-pitched screech of his voice.

"We're not doing this," Julian said, his voice flat.

"Yes we are," Noel said, suddenly furious. "I can't believe you never told me. Didn't you think I deserved to know?"

Julian stood up abruptly. "I'm leaving."

Noel sat, mouth agape as Julian started to head towards the bedroom door. He watched for a moment before springing to his feet. "Julian wait!" he shouted and began to follow him out. Julian didn't wait and they ended up in the living room. "Wait, you can't just leave."

Julian turned to give him perhaps one of the iciest stares he'd ever received. "Shut up, we are not doing this."

"You're the one who walked out!" Noel said, he voice wobbling embarrassingly. "Why didn't you tell me? Does everyone else know?"

"Why do you care? You're not straight either!" He huffed in annoyance.

"I've never had a boyfriend!" It was true. Truth was, he'd hardly done more than kiss a few blokes at uni. He just couldn't wrap his head around the idea that Julian was totally fine with it. That he had dated someone even. It seemed impossible.

He'd met a few of Julian's girlfriends since they'd started working together. Julian was a serial dater. They never lasted long but they were all distinctly female. Pretty girls that Julian could never seem to get beyond a couple of months with before they simply disappeared.

"I can't believe I didn't know this!" He repeated, feeling frustrated and angry.

If Julian wasn't really straight that meant there was no reason he was pretending not to notice this thing between them. Noel felt a pang in his chest.

"I'm not having this conversation with you when you're being like this."

"But I don't understand why you didn't tell me!" He felt hot and furious and sad all at once. "You're being a prick," he yelled when he couldn't think of anything else, then felt stupid but no less angry.

"I'm being a prick?" Julian said, turning to leave entirely.

Noel marched past him and and turned to halt his journey toward the door. "You're always like this when I try and talk to you about something," he said, which was sort of true although it wasn't the point he wanted to make. He couldn't very well scream, _'Why don't you want me if you're happy dating other blokes?'_ though, so it would have to do.

"I can't imagine why." It was that bloody condescending tone that they both knew Noel hated.

"Fuck you," Noel shouted, feeling frustrated and hemmed in. "I don't know why I even bother with this sometimes."

They both froze, Noel feeling terrified at the line he'd just crossed. Julian stared at him for a moment before all but running by him and out the door. It slammed loudly.

Noel stood, rooted to the spot, for several moments before noticing Dave sat on the sofa. He was staring pointedly at the TV as though pretending not to have just witnessed their domestic. He turned slowly and looked at Noel.

"Oh God," Noel said, covering his mouth with a hand. He walked slowly over to him and sat down heavily.

"What the hell was that?" Dave said, his eyes big and worried looking.

Noel took a deep breath before spilling the whole sorry story. He sounded breathless and angry, and he noticed halfway through that his hands were shaking. Dave was still staring at him when he finished, but now he was frowning.

"He came out to you and you shouted at him?" Dave didn't sound annoyed, just a bit baffled.

Noel opened his mouth to tell him that's not what happened and closed it again when he realised that was exactly what had happened.

"That's well bad, isn't it?" he said in a little voice after a long pause where Dave patiently waited for him to speak.

Dave gave him a sympathetic look which confirmed it. Noel was the worst comedy partner, friend and possibly person to have ever lived. Sometimes he forgot that Julian might care what Noel thought, that their relationship wasn't entirely Julian doing things and Noel trying to keep up.

He spent the rest of the night unsuccessfully calling Julian to apologise. But around two in the morning he turned up anyway. It smelt like he might have drank an entire brewery since they'd last seen each other. He had a pained expression, like he wasn't sure if Noel was going to want him there or not. Noel pulled him into the tightest hug he could muster.

Noel grovelled until Julian gave him a little smile which meant he was forgiven. They ended up huddled in bed together. His bed was too small for Julian and his feet always stuck out the bottom.

"I'm sorry I yelled," Noel whispered. "You know it wasn't about you dating a bloke, right?" He whispered it, scared of upsetting the delicate balance that had settled between them. "I just felt stupid for not knowing and you don't tell me things when you know everything about me. I told you about that bloke I kissed and how everyone at school knew and... you didn't say anything."

"It's not," Julian was slurring his words; he'd been threatening to drift off to sleep for the last twenty minutes. But it made him more pliable than normal and Noel couldn't resist the urge to find out more. It was probably hugely manipulative for him to try and get information out of him when he was this drunk. But Julian wouldn't have come to his flat if he didn't want to talk about it, so he was probably safe. "It didn't last long. We didn't work. I thought it would be different with a man. But it's never different, they never... I'm never... different. I'm basically unloveable."

"You're not," Noel said, pulling him closer. "You're amazing."

"I'm going to be alone forever," Julian looked up at him, his eyes red rimmed and scared. "I don't want to die alone."

Noel felt something painful constrict in his chest. "You're not, I'm going to be there. I'll be at your death bed weeping in a black veil."

"Promise?" How Julian could look so young sometimes he didn't know.

"Always." He whispered, meaning it with every fibre of his being.

He supposed that was the night he had been given hope that something might one day happen between them. There was no reason for it, not really, but they'd promised until death do them part and a part of his heart had refused to give up on the promise.

  
^^^^

He watched Julian sleep for a long moment and wondered if this would be all they'd ever have. If London and their real lives would tear them apart again. He couldn't quite imagine them as a couple. He'd never let himself get that far. In his mind's eye nothing would change - they'd be the Boosh but with more shagging. It was so different now. They'd have to be boyfriends, with like, jobs and kids and mortgages. They'd have to work out cleaning arrangements and Christmases.

History didn't suggest they made very good boyfriends. They were both needy and possessive in different ways. Julian had spent a lot of the last decade almost ignoring his existence unless it was completely unavoidable. Noel had spent it trying to build a life away from Julian and the Boosh. It was probably madness. He could feel the weight of it pressing down on him.

But at the same time, he didn't want to give it up. The thought of never seeing Julian look like he had last night made his heart beat fast with fear.

He got up and went downstairs, trying to distract himself. But he felt jittery and unsettled as he began making food.

***

He woke up alone. He took a moment to check that Noel's things were still strewn about the room before he relaxed back into the bed. As he lay down the sounds of someone banging about in the kitchen drifted up to him. So Noel hadn't already decided better of it and bolted. He was surprised by the vehemence of his relief.

He felt relaxed and satiated. It had been years since he'd had this feeling, almost like he was floating. The world felt like a distant memory with the two of them wrapped together in their little cottage. It was nice. Like the early stages of any relationship he supposed. There was always the grace period where daily life didn't seem to dent the happy feeling of being together.

It never lasted, of course. His awkward presence never seemed much of a barrier to finding partners, he'd learned how the turn on the charm when he wanted to, in a focused, very targeted way. It was keeping them that was the issue.

He suspected people thought that under his broody, stoic façade there was something deep and fascinating waiting to be uncovered. He struggled to open up even with the most persistent of partners and when they inevitably left, he always shouldered the blame, nodded as they explained he was simply too closed off. But he was always left wondering if the problem was actually the opposite, if they’d glimpsed beneath his veneer and seen his desperate need for love and validation and it scared them away. He was well aware of his neurosis and how off-putting it was to anyone who managed to witness it firsthand.

He supposed he’d developed a way of hiding it behind what people always seemed to insist was an aloofness, bordering on the rude. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to say what he was feeling, he simply couldn’t. He was too in his head, too worried about living up what to people expected of him (and what he expected of himself). It only seemed to get worse with success, too. People expected him not only to be funny, but also cool in an aloof and interesting sort of way. How was he meant to live up to that all in a handy twenty second soundbite? He was always so caught up trying to think about the funniest thing to say he missed the chance to say anything at all. His sort of comedy was so different to Noel’s – he worked hard on every joke. He couldn’t turn it on like a tap. The chance of failure was too high; it felt like dying when his jokes didn’t land. And they weren’t suited to live TV interviews anyway. Then he got a reputation for it. Both personally and professionally, journalists started every interview explaining how hard he was to interview, like that would somehow make it easier.

He'd had two relationships that had lasted beyond a few months. Julia had somehow found him amusing even when he was being difficult and Noel simply didn't seem to mind. They both filled parts of him that were jagged and painful to other people. They'd both also only managed about fifteen years of him before deciding enough was enough. Perhaps they'd be willing to just trade off with each other over the next thirty years. There were worse things, he supposed.

He pulled himself from bed and padded down stairs, grinning when he found Noel listening to the radio and dancing about in front of the stove. It was an intimate image and he was struck by how happy it made him to see it. He didn't want to leave it behind when they left.

He walked up close behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his face in his neck to place a kiss there. Noel leant back into his arms easily, like he had been waiting to do exactly that.

"Alright?" he said, Julian could hear the smile in his voice without looking.

"You got dressed," he said by way of answer, affecting a put upon tone.

"As if you were going to be up for another round before you ate again," Noel laughed but he sounded pleased.

"I could have been persuaded. I might have died mid-way through but it would be a good way to go." He placed another kiss on Noel's neck, thrilled with being able to do so. It felt ridiculous how often he'd had to stop himself from reaching out and touching him. The idea that he might be able to do this in any situation was thrilling. He could picture reaching out to take his hand when he was uncomfortable or pulling him close when they were tired. It was nice. He squeezed his arms pulling Noel closer briefly before letting go and standing back. "What you making?"

"Not sure really," he said, "we're out of basically everything but there were some eggs and cheese so I thought we could have an omelette."

They were nearly out of food because it was time to leave. They needed to check out the next morning. He could feel the end of their stay looming up in front of them like some sort of terrifying black hole. He couldn't picture what might happen after they left the cottage. Every time he tried, it seemed too big and his brain simply wouldn't allow it.

He was also aware that if he didn't want it all to disappear like smoke he was going to need to make some sort of declaration of intent. Noel had been the one to get them this far. If he wanted to have something beyond the last twenty four hours it was time to step up.

And he did. He did want whatever had sprung up between them to continue. He was sure of that. He wasn't ready to give up the look on Noel's face when he kissed him. Or his clever hands and cleverer mouth. Not without at least seeing where it all might go.

He cleared his throat. "When we, er," he stopped and gathered himself again. "I could cook for you, when we're back."

It wasn't an explicit statement of intent, in fact it came out more like a question than the statement he'd intended. He pushed down the annoyance at himself for not being able to just say what he wanted, even now.

Noel turned to look at him, his eyes wide. "Are you asking me on a date?" The question might have annoyed him coming from someone else. It would sound like they were making fun of him. But Noel seemed so surprised that he actually chuckled.

"That was the idea." He swallowed. "If, umm, if you wanted to that is."

Noel seemed frozen for a moment before he grinned and Julian felt everything relax. "Yeah," he said, "yeah, alright then."

He had such an open, happy expression that Julian was strongly reminded of the day they'd first met. High Wycombe. Bloody awful place. The whole night seemed etched on his brain for being both dreadful and, obviously the night he'd met someone who would be so utterly formative.

^^^^

  
The gig had been been okay, he'd had a lot worse. But he couldn't believe how much it still hurt every time he stood on stage and people didn't laugh. People kept suggesting that he go back to music, where the odd bad gig didn't make it feel like he was dying. But the truth was he liked the lows, it was how he knew he was alive, how he was creating something hard won and worthwhile. He liked that he didn't really know what he was doing. That didn't mean it was pleasant when it was happening though.

He'd known as soon as he saw the crowd they were going to hate him. They were much too straight to get his act. They had started off with some nervous chuckles but it didn't get much beyond that. His eyes kept drifting to a table of students near the back that seemed more enthusiastic, offering an island of isolated laughter amongst the sea of silence. The awkwardness made him more jittery as his heart beat wildly in his chest. The humiliation felt crushing.

He concentrated on how far the end joke was in front of him, ticked down the moments until he could leave. It would be better after he was off stage. He could try and remember where there had been more laughs. At least the arty looking kids were enjoying it. Maybe he should do some more student unions, although the idea filled him with horror.

He left the stage as quickly as possible and considered leaving the venue entirely. But he wanted to see the next act, check if it was him or the audience. He paused, looking back at the stage and jumped when someone appeared at his side.

It was a young guy, looking up at him through long lashes with a huge smile on his face. He was all strange, feathered hair and huge, blue eyes. He was pretty, in a very male sort of way. Clearly an art school kid, from his clothes to his dark-rimmed eyes. He was grinning up at him with such open warmth that Julian froze. "That was genius," he said, his accent was gruff and at odds with his general aesthetic. "I'm Noel," he continued when Julian just gaped at him. "I do comedy too. Everyone's been saying I should come and see you because your stuff's a bit like mine - all mental and weird. And it is - it's great. We loved it."

Julian wasn't used to such open admiration and compliments. It wasn't really the style of the people he hung around with and he wasn't sure how to respond. He immediately felt under pressure to say something funny and live up to the wide-eyed enthusiasm being sent his way. He peered down at the kid for a moment before saying, "Is your hair on backwards?"

Noel had laughed and fussed with it. "Can I buy you a drink to make up for the fact that the rest of the audience were clearly idiots?"

Julian knew he should go, he was knackered and he clearly needed to work on his material. Besides, accepting drinks from pretty guys he'd just met was the sort of thing he'd decided not to do anymore. But he was grinning up at him so sweetly he couldn't make himself refuse the offer. Or the next one. Or any of the ones after.

Noel had sat close to him all evening, as they talked about comedy. He was interested in seemingly everything Julian said. Effusive in his praise and completely open in seemingly every way. Julian found himself watching him in fascination. He was completely at ease with people watching him and happy to tell long, rambling stories without much of a punchline. He basked in the attention but also sat in rapt attention when someone else, especially Julian, spoke.

His friends clearly adored him, and Julian wondered a few times during the evening if one the other boys who lived with Noel might be his boyfriend. But if they were, it wasn't stopping the girls from flirting with Noel and he didn't seemed inclined to stop them.

"Are you performing anywhere soon?" Noel asked, leaning in close.

Julian thought he should move back out of range but it felt oddly comfortable. "Yeah, I'm performing most of the time."

"Cool, I'll come see you again." It wasn't a question and it was said with such earnest enthusiasm that Julian wasn't sure how to respond.

"Alright," he said, shrugging awkwardly.  
He hadn't expected to see him again, consigning the whole night to a waste of time. But Noel had turned up about a week later in London. A better gig and Noel had bowled over to congratulate him, talking excitedly about the differences between the sets.

Julian had been both charmed and horrified by the attention. Lee had laughed at him, teasing him about his new groupie. But it didn't seem to bother Noel, who had laughed along with the joke and offered to get a round in. He wondered later if those meetings should have felt more momentous in some way. If he should have realised how important they would turn out to be. But they hadn't. It wasn't until he saw Noel preform that he knew there could be something there.

It had been business really, but looking back he could see it was more than that. It meant something that Julian hadn't minded spending those first two evenings with a complete stranger. That it hadn't left him feeling drained and sad like he often felt after a night meeting new people. He'd not considered what it meant that he'd felt a little thrill of happiness when he saw Noel in the crowd after that. He just hadn't realised how rare that feeling would be. Almost unique, in fact.

It meant he'd never had the chance to enjoy the time they spent together on that simple level before. He'd always had one eye on where they were headed, on getting their career off the ground. He was nostalgic for the times Noel had spent with him on his giant bed writing their first show, but it was for a feeling he'd never actually felt at the time. He wanted to be with him to just be with him. He wondered if that was even possible. It didn't seem to be how Noel operated, at least not with him.

^^^^

"I could come to yours," he continued, keen to see what Noel thought.

Noel was grinning at him. "Yeah? Alright, sounds good. I can provide the booze."

There was so much to talk about. Everything felt unbalanced and uncertain. He wasn't sure how to begin to talk about all the things that needed to be agreed. He wasn't even really sure what he wanted other than for Noel to keep looking at him like that. Things had never seemed quite so bad when Noel was smiling at him.

***

Noel liked waking up early, he liked getting up and on with the day. But he woke on the last day at the cottage wishing he didn't have to get up at all. Julian was wrapped around him, their legs tangled and an arm firmly around his waist. He hadn't spent much time as the little spoon. It was nice. The night before had, if possible, been nicer than the one before. It was less frantic and tinged with hurt.

They'd eaten together and watched a film on the sofa. Or watched about ten minutes of it before getting distracted. They'd remained distracted for the rest of the night.

He'd spent a lot of his life wondering what it would be like to be with Julian like that. At first, it had been fleeting, almost intrusive thoughts as he'd catch himself watching Julian's hands while he spoke. They were big, with long clever fingers that he could only really think about in the abstract.

Julian was classically handsome, strong jaw and good cheekbones. But it was wrapped up in such an awkward personality that sometimes he would forget, only to be hit square in the solar plexus by it when he was least expecting it. It didn't help that Julian would sometime initiate something less than platonic into their dynamic. After that it moved from abstract thoughts of how attractive he was to something more like an interest. What would happen if Noel pushed for more than a kiss? How far would Julian want to go with his little performances?

After he found out about Matt it moved from abstract to the very real. Noel found himself watching Julian and wondering how it had happened. They'd been in a band, had it been during rehearsals? Had Julian been as aggressive and determined as Noel sometimes imagined him being? Or had Matt had to slowly work up to it, coax Julian into it?

Sometimes when he was playing guitar, Noel thought he might be able to glimpse what he would be like as a lover. It made him shiver with something like anticipation and turn away. His desire to find out was always worse after they'd performed. He would push into their hugs, looking up at Julian and aligning their bodies, desperate for more. Sometimes Julian would relent and lean down to kiss him. If Noel was feeling particularly daring, he'd shift his hips forward, and Julian might slide his hands down his back.

Knowing Julian wasn't straight made those moments seem heightened. He knew he wasn't imagining the attraction. Julian's hands ending up on his arse more often than not were proof enough of that. But the moments always seemed to dissipate before he could fully explore them. He was sure they were close to something and then Julian would simply be gone and seemingly totally unaffected.

They could spend ten minutes snogging, Julian's hands seemingly everywhere at once and the next moment Julian was laughing with someone like Noel wasn't even in the room. The tantalising glimpse of that side of Julian left him hungry for more.

Leeds had been dreamlike and he'd spent half the time terrified that he'd do something to shake Julian out of whatever mood had led them there. It had felt almost out of body, beautiful and scary and too much. The intensity of it had sent him running, terrified that he'd revealed too much of himself.

He'd spent the years since kicking himself that he hadn't been able to fully enjoy it. Knowing it was the only chance he'd get and that he'd blown it. He didn't like to remember that night. It hurt.

But now he finally knew. It was thrilling. He'd never really felt like he had Julian's entire attention, even on stage he was really sharing him with the audience. But it was exactly as he thought it would be and nothing at all. It was fucking amazing, Julian gave it the same dedication and focus he did everything he wanted. As they moved together, Julian watched him with such a singular focus that he had to close his eyes.

But somehow he'd failed to remember that they would still be themselves. They'd still laugh and tease, they'd still understand each other. There would still be the layers of love and affection and years of history. It was more than he'd ever imagined.

"You getting the train later?" Julian asked, he was lingering at the door with his bag on his shoulder. Noel could tell he was reluctant to leave. They hadn't discussed what would happen next. What would happen to the film. If they were boyfriends or friends with benefits or nothing at all. He didn't know how to ask.

"Yeah," Noel nodded, swaying into and out of Julian's personal space. "I'll be home around eight, probably."

Julian nodded. "I could..." he started and stopped.

Noel looked up, feeling hopeful and scared at once. _Come over._ He desperately wanted to say the words, but he couldn't make them come out of his mouth.

Julian was looking at him a bit desperately. "Did you want... I should see the boys," he said, "but maybe, I could pop over after?"

Relief flooded him so strongly his knees went a bit weak. "Yes," he said, the word seeming to release something and allowing him to step forward. He wrapped his arms around Julian's neck and held him tightly. "Come over."

Julian ran a hand over the back of his head. It was so comforting that he pushed back into it like a cat. "Okay, I could be there about 11."

"Perfect," he said, looking up and meeting Julian's eyes. He was relieved to see the expression from the night before still there. He hadn't gone right back to looking through him. Not yet. He just needed to figure out how to keep him looking at him like that. He pushed himself up onto his toes and kissed him hard. Julian's arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him up and into him. He didn't want to pull back. But they had to. There was a taxi waiting outside. "I'll see you later," Noel said, resting their foreheads together.

"Yeah," Julian breathed. "Yeah, okay." He let him go and stepped back. He paused, his hand on the door handle. "Thanks for this week. I'm glad you called me and asked me to do this." He was gone before Noel could answer. But he smiled at the door for a long time before he went to pack his own things.

 

TBC


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew that if they went public it was going to get attention. People were going to be asking a whole lot of questions. Questions he wasn't too keen on answering. 
> 
> That was before they took into consideration their careers. Noel's was built on people - especially women - liking him. Coming out might change all that. A bit of suggestive gender bending and some flirtations while in character might be titillating, but admitting you were fucking your comedy partner was something else entirely. 
> 
> Noel was looking at him, waiting for his response. He needed to speak. "I don't know, maybe we should figure out what this is first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ Is the start or end of a flashback. 
> 
> Come over and say hi on tumblr, I'm at http://agarlandoffreshlycuttears.tumblr.com/

**Chapter Five**

 

He'd worried about what he was going to say all the way back to London. Of course, that had proven stupid almost immediately. They'd no sooner sent the boys to bed then Julia had turned to him and smiled.   
  
"You heading over there straight away or do you have time for a cuppa?"   
  
He didn't bother to question how she knew. "I said I'd be there for eleven," he sounded happy bordering on smug even to his own ears.   
  
"Well," she said, heading into the kitchen. "It went well then."   
  
He followed behind her. "It was..." he stopped, not sure how to describe it. "It was okay."   
  
She didn't answer until the kettle was boiling and she turned to face him. "Okay?"   
  
Julian shrugged. "It was awful but we talked about some things and I think..." He ran out of words and stared at her helplessly. He didn't want to have this conversation with her. Or maybe anyone. He wasn't ready to articulate what even happened.   
  
"I guess you've tried everything else," she said, saving him from having to speak. "Maybe it's time you tried this." She looked sad and his heart clenched painfully.   
  
"I love you," he said, because he meant it and he wasn't sure what else to say.   
  
She smiled at him. "I know you do."   
  
He wanted to hug her but wasn't sure if he should, if she'd let him. He was proved right when she turned and started making the tea.   
  
"I hope he apologised," she said, her composure regained a few minutes later.   
  
"He did," Julian confirmed. "We both did."   
  
She handed him a mug and leant back against the counter. "Twenty years in the making," she said with a wry shake of her head. "That must have been quite the evening."   
  
Julian's mouth twitched into a near-smile. "I've had worse."   
  
She grinned a bit wolfishly at him. "Feel free to explain that to me in glorious detail."   
  
He raised an eyebrow at her but didn't answer.   
  
She watched him over the rim of her mug as she drank. "Are you going to move in with him?"   
  
Julian froze. The thought hadn't even crossed his mind. They'd barely agreed on a date, let alone moving in with each other.   
  
She must have read his look of horror because she chuckled. "So you didn't do all that much talking, then."   
  
He looked down, not sure what to say. "It's new, I don't know... We haven't..."   
  
She nodded. "That figures. And you're okay?"   
  
"I'm fine," he said automatically.   
  
"You've not had your freakout yet, then?" There was something a bit smug in her voice that irritated him.   
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" His voice was high-pitched and sharp.   
  
She held up her hands placatingly. "Nothing, it's just a big thing and a lot to take in. I guess I was expecting some sort of existential crisis or something if you both actually admitted there was more going on between you than just comedic differences."      
  
He supposed she was right. He should be more shocked by what had happened. But he wasn't. From the moment they'd kissed he'd actually felt surprisingly calm. If anything their relationship had made more sense. Not less. It was the idea of fucking it up that was giving him palpitations.   
  
The truth was, he'd never really been sure what it was that Noel saw in him. He knew that they could make each other laugh. That was clear from the moment that he'd seen Noel perform. It had been like a light switch turning on.

 

^^^^  
  
It was a big gig, certainly by Noel's standards, but when Julian suggested that he fill in for the idiot who'd dropped out at the last minute he didn't even blink, just nodded enthusiastically and went to get some friends to fill out the audience.   
  
Julian had stood backstage watching him with a mix of dread and hope. Dread that he had to follow him and hope that maybe he could finally find someone to work with. He'd been saying to anyone that would listen for months that there was space for the new Goodies in British comedy. Perhaps he'd finally found someone to help him create it.   
  
He'd felt too alone on stage since his first stand-up show. He needed someone to help fill the space. It was why he liked music; bouncing off someone else was not only more satisfying but also less scary. You could succeed with someone else but also fail too and sharing it made it more bearable.   
  
Once he walked off stage he made a beeline straight for where Noel was standing by the bar. He was talking to a group of comedians and Julian was suddenly struck by the desire to show that Noel was his addition to the group. He walked over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, bringing him into a one armed hug and placing a sloppy kiss to his temple.   
  
"That was brilliant, little man, you should have said you were actually funny."   
  
He wasn't big on nicknames or even pet names with partners, but he supposed it was another marker of territory. Noel looked up with him, a huge smile lighting his whole face. He felt unaccountably pleased to have put that expression there.   
  
"I did tell you," Noel said, leaning into the embrace and wrapping an arm around Julian's waist. "I told you I did stuff like you."   
  
"I know," Julian said, "but I assumed you were a stalker who planned to murder me and assume my identity."   
  
"I am, but I'm also really fucking funny." Noel giggled, the back of his hand coming up to cover his nose. It was such a sweet gesture, almost shy, that he felt compelled to pull him back into his body and place another kiss on his temple.   
  
"That you are," he said. "That you bloody are."   
  
They didn't move from that position for most of the night. It was after closing before Noel looked around with a confused expression.   
  
"All my lifts have gone," he said, peering around and pouting. "Those bastards."   
  
"I'll give you a lift," Julian said, feeling reluctant for the night to end. Besides it was probably his fault, he'd been monopolising Noel's time all evening.   
  
Noel looked up him, that open, pleased expression in his face again. "Thanks," he said, standing to gather his things. He seemed to have an abnormal amount of bags for one person. Julian checked that he had his wallet and keys and followed him from the pub.   
  
He walked close behind Noel, hand out to guide him toward his car. It felt intimate, and he stepped back again out of his personal space. Noel was chattering away about the evening, recounting moments that had only just happened with glee.   
  
They pulled out of the car park and Julian realised that he was probably much too drunk to be on the roads. "I should not be driving," he said, slowing the car down. "At least it's not busy."   
  
Noel just giggled. "I feel safe with you, anyway," he said, making Julian blush embarrassingly. Seemingly not noticing that he'd made him uncomfortable he added, "You're like a geography teacher. Hard to feel threatened by that."   
  
Julian laughed and tried to concentrate on the road. They pulled up outside a shitty looking house and sat in silence for a few moments. He tried to think of a way to suggest they write something but everything sounded like a come-on, especially when they were sitting in his car and half cut.   
  
"Should I make you a tea before you attempt to drive yourself home?" Noel said, he always seemed like he was moments away from laughing.   
  
Julian closed his eyes and nodded. "Good idea, I don't think I'll be able to keep my eyes open otherwise."   
  
"Alright, come on up," Noel said, turning and grabbing his things from the back seat.   
  
Julian followed him out, the cold air waking him up and immediately making him feel better.   
  
Noel paused at the door, his key already in the lock and looked up at Julian. "You must know, if you come in," he said, his eyes big, "you can never leave."   
  
Julian folded his arms over his chest, meeting his eyes seriously. "That's alright. I haven't got much on anyway."   
  
They giggled as Noel led him up to his flat, Julian following close behind. Their first joke. It felt nice.   
  
Once inside Julian was immediately distracted by the various art strewn about every available surface. He supposed he should have suspected it, given it was a house full of art students. He was staring at a brightly coloured painting, trying to figure out the characters, when Noel brought him a mug of tea.   
  
"This yours?" he asked, gesturing at the painting.   
  
"Yeah," Noel nodded, "how'd you know that?"   
  
Julian shrugged. "It looks like something you'd do. It's beautiful and doesn't make the slightest bit of sense." He meant it sincerely but it came out like a cheesey pick up line. He cringed and took a sip of tea to hide his embarrassment.   
  
When he looked at Noel, though, he was staring at him with something like wonder. Julian froze, caught by the look in his eyes. He was suddenly aware that he'd accepted a drink back at Noel's flat and how that might look. Not that he seemed to mind, he was edging closer into Julian's personal space, his eyes focused and intense.   
  
Julian wanted to reach out to him. The thought surprised him. Noel was not his type in the least. He liked manly men and feminine women. He liked uncomplicated. Noel was none of those things. But he was lovely in his own way and it was hard to resist someone looking at him so openly and invitingly.   
  
"You did good tonight," he said, trying to break the tension but his voice was low and quiet.   
  
Noel was somehow nearly pressed right against him, having to crane his neck to meet his eyes. "Thanks for having me, and the lift. It's been brilliant getting to hang out with you."   
  
It was such a sweet thing to say that Julian was leaning down to kiss him before he'd even thought about it. Noel's eyes fluttered shut and he rocked up onto his toes. It was the last possible second that Julian managed to rein in the impulse, somehow managing to turn the movement into a very awkward hug. He crushed Noel into his chest, making them both stagger.   
  
"Whoops," he said, his voice much too loud. "Caffeine still not kicked in." He laughed and took a step back.   
  
Noel looked up at him, confusion clear on his face but he didn't challenge him on the obvious change of direction. Instead he made a joke about the paintings making him feel woozy.   
  
He made his excuses shortly afterward and left. But he mentally kicked himself for nearly ruining everything before they'd even begun. He needed to get a hold of himself and not let another situation like that spring up.   
  
He waited a week to call Noel and suggest they tried writing together, hoping he might have forgotten how Julian had embarrassed himself by then. He never mentioned it, so maybe he had. Julian wondered over the years what Noel had thought of that night. Of all the times Julian pushed for them to work together. Was that all he wanted? Support on his rise to the top? Or was some part of him waiting to return to that night and find out what might have happened had he let himself kiss Noel in that tiny, ugly flat?

 

^^^^  
  
He tried not to dwell too much on those thoughts as he crossed the road to Noel's flat. It felt clandestine and furtive, even though Julia had waved him off with a wink and grin. Noel opened the door with a smile but as soon as they were inside they just stared at each other awkwardly.   
  
Julian wasn't sure on the protocol. Were they meant to kiss when they said hello now? He shuffled into the hall and tried not to let his nerves show. He hated that they still felt uncomfortable with each other, despite everything.   
  
***   
  
Noel had spent the evening tidying the flat and trying not to check his phone for messages from Julian telling him he wouldn't be able to make it after all. He couldn't quite wrap his head around the idea that what had happened in the cottage would be able to transfer back to London. The idea of Julian and him together in his little flat was absurd.   
  
By the time Julian arrived at his door, startlingly punctual for him, Noel was a nervous ball of energy.   
  
They stood in his hallway for a moment, an awkward tension hanging in the air. Julian looked uncomfortable and Noel's heart beat uncomfortably in his chest. Had he come round to tell him it was all a huge mistake? He'd probably be right, but the idea made him feel sick.   
  
"You okay?" he said, his voice was small, like it was preparing for the worst.   
  
"Yeah, I..." Julian trailed off. "I'm sorry," he tried again and Noel's stomach plummeted to the floor. "I don't know how..." He gestured vaguely. "I want to kiss you but..."   
  
He was so relieved that a laugh escaped him. "Sorry," he said, "I just thought maybe you were coming over to finish it."   
  
"No!" Julian took a step forward and stopped himself. He frowned. "Do you want me to?"   
  
"No!" Noel said, and then laughed again. "Sorry, this is ridiculous. Do you want a drink?"   
  
"Yeah, thanks." Julian seemed to relax a bit at that, his shoulders dropping and a smile tugging his lips.   
  
He got them some tea and they ended up in his living room. Noel steered them onto the safe territory of the film. They talked and joked about that, but he was aware the whole time of the space between them. They were only at opposite ends of the sofa but it might as well have been a hundred miles. He wasn’t sure how to bridge the gap. He could suggest cracking open the wine he’d bought, but it felt like cheating. They were going to have to make this work without the aid of alcohol eventually. He just wasn’t sure how to make the first move.   
  
He was used to being a boyfriend. He’d spent most of his adult life being someone’s boyfriend. Not a good one. Not one that would actually be there when they were needed, but he knew the moves. He’d managed to cultivate a good image, something that somehow communicated that he was perfectly happy to be committed, as long as that didn’t preclude him never being around and perhaps the odd, or frequent, casual shag with someone else while he was busy not being there. He never lied, he was firm about that. They all seemed to know what they were getting into. They all had their own things going on, too. But it meant that he hadn’t had much experience of being single and even less of being with just one person. Someone that relied on him to be there. He didn't have any experience of that. He had never done couple things. His holidays and nights in all seemed to be conducted with a big group of people, of which he was only currently sleeping with one of. And he'd never dated a man before, either. The odd blow job and a couple of awkward shags didn't really help in knowing what was expected of him now.   
  
Even him and Julian weren’t exclusive. They had both worked on other things outside of the Boosh. Julian had never stopped looking for projects, even when they barely had time to think; he still somehow managed to plan for a future project with someone. At first Noel felt like maybe it was a slight, that Julian was preparing a lifeboat for when the Boosh failed. It never happened like that, and as time went on, they would be scheduled around The Boosh and not the other way around. Julian always came back to him in the end and he learnt to stop worrying about it.   
  
Julian on the other hand was too hard to pin down for long enough for someone to claim him as a boyfriend. Until Julia he didn’t think Julian even wanted a relationship. Although he was serial dater, he liked to chase any woman that seemed totally impractical or totally uninterested. He somehow managed to miss the hordes of people that hung around him, waiting to throw themselves at him. Noel could never work out if he just had terrible taste in partners or if he actually didn’t want to settle down at all. That changed with Julia of course, once she finally relented to his pining. After that he seemed to fit perfectly into the role of doting and committed boyfriend immediately. Although, if he were honest, it all happened as they began to drift further apart, so he might just have just been projecting.   
  
Before that, he only heard about Julian's exes in the abstract or from other people. Lee especially liked to tease Julian about his woeful love life. Julian never seemed to mind, probably because it fitted his tortured artist image.   
  
Noel was never bothered by the women that flitted into and then out of Julian’s life. It was always clear they wouldn’t be around long.   
  
But, he’d always wondered about Matt. After he found out that he wasn’t just an ex-bandmate, he’d been desperate to know more about him. Suddenly his name was everywhere, Julian’s friends and family seemed to do nothing but talk about him. He would try not to react when he was mentioned, but his need to know more about what had happened meant he couldn’t help but ask too many questions. Sometimes people would look at him funny when he did it and so he stopped.   


^^^^

  
Then one night at Julian’s, at a house party maybe, or something that ended up turning into one, there he suddenly was. A group of people were chatting in the corner that Noel didn’t know. He hadn’t thought much of it until someone mentioned Leeds and suddenly he realised they must be Julian’s friends from home. His eyes tracked to them immediately and he scanned their faces. He knew who Matt was almost instantly, partly by a process of deduction but mostly because of the look he was sending Julian’s way as they talked. It was a familiar look, pleased at the attention but with an edge of fear that it might be about to be taken away.   
  
He watched them from across the room, wondering if Julian was different with him and if he'd have known they'd been together without being told. He certainly seemed invested in the conversation, their bodies angled toward one another and attentions completely focused. Did Julian always sit that close to people? Did he smile that easily with the rest of his friends? He wasn't sure.   
  
He walked slowly toward them, hoping to make it look casual and not like he was making a beeline right for them.   
  
"Noel!" Julian said, as he got closer. He was already drunk. It was the rum. He shouldn't be allowed rum until later in the night if he wanted to still be walking by midnight.   
  
"Alright?" He grinned and positioned himself next Julian, sneaking under his outstretched arm.   
  
"You remember Matt," Julian said, gesturing with his lit cigarette.   
  
"Erm," Noel said, studying the other man's face and trying to work out if they really had met before. He was handsome. Dark, curly hair and dark eyes. He was tall, not muscular but not skinny either. He was distinctly male in a way that Noel had never been able to achieve, not that he'd ever wanted to much. Not before anyway. He was so caught up that he'd forgotten to answer the question. "I'm not sure, maybe," he said eventually.   
  
"I met you a gig," Matt said, his accent deep and rich. "But it was ages ago. How's it going?"   
  
Noel watched as his eyes tracked to where Julian's hand was resting on his waist. He didn't react but Noel felt a little smug thrill anyway.   
  
"Great!" he said, grinning. "Me and Julian are writing a script for a radio show for the BBC."   
  
"Yeah," Matt said, catching Julian's eye and smiling. "We were just talking about that. Jules was about to show me what he's written."   
  
"Matt might be able to unstick the Mutant song," Julian finished and chuckled.   
  
"Unsticking is what I do," Matt agreed, laughing along with Julian.   
  
Noel didn't get the joke but he was still stuck on 'Jules'. Julian hated it when anyone called him anything but his full name. Noel was barely allowed to get anyway with 'Ju' without being corrected or huffed at.   
  
"I like it as it is," he said. It was true, he liked what they'd done together but Julian was fixated on it, insisting he hadn't cracked it.   
  
"Ah, that's never stopped Jules from thinking something's not up to scratch," Matt said, he leaned forward and grinned at Noel. "He's a perfectionist. Nothing's ever good enough."   
  
He wasn't sure what irritated him more, the insinuation that Noel might not know Julian as well as Matt or the suggestion that Julian didn't like what they'd done for the show.   
  
He swallowed down a comment because he didn't want to be a prick, and he was aware that he might just come across as jealous and petty anyway. Instead he leant further into Julian, his hand sneaking up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Julian was too drunk to really even notice but Matt's eyes followed the movement.   
  
"So you two were in a band?" Noel asked, trying to sound relaxed and unaffected.   
  
Matt grimaced. "I'm not sure you can really say that," he said, catching Julian's eye again and grinning. "We had guitars and wrote songs. But it was really all a ruse for me to stand at the back of a stage and stare at his ass for an hour."   
  
Julian laughed, an embarrassed but not unhappy sound. It was obviously a joke they'd shared before because he said, "Not sure there was much to see in those fucking awful outfits - remember that white suit?"   
  
Matt laughed uproariously. "I liked that suit! You looked sweet in it."   
  
"Not the look I was going for," Julian said, taking a drag from his cigarette and rolling his eyes.   
  
Noel wanted to join in but he wasn't sure what to say.   
  
"What look were you going for?" Matt said, leaning forward and placing a hand on Julian's arm.   
  
"Jazz maverick," Julian said without missing a beat.   
  
Matt rolled his eyes. "Jazz freak you mean, I'm amazed we weren't bottled more often."   
  
Julian laughed again, before pushing himself away from the wall. "Drink?"   
  
Matt nodded and Noel managed a small, "Yeah, great," before he'd walked away.   
  
Noel felt suddenly uncomfortable, not sure how he ought to act. "You down for long?" he said in the end just to fill the silence.   
  
Matt shrugged. "Depends on Jules really, he usually gets bored and sends me away eventually."   
  
He wondered if he'd imagined the slightly wistful tone in his voice. "Yeah, he does tend to get distracted." He wasn't sure if he really meant it but it felt rude not to contribute something.   
  
"Yeah, he's a restless soul really."   
  
He was sure he wasn't imagining the wistful tone this time. It was his turn to talk but every question that came to him was about Matt and Julian's relationship and he'd sound like a mentalist if he asked about that. Julian came back to rescue him, inserting himself between him and Matt.   
  
Matt and Julian grinned at each other. "You alright?" Julian asked him, smiling softly.   
  
It was a tiny moment but Noel felt winded by it. Julian was genuinely checking Matt was having a good time at his party and it was so gentle that it made something in his chest hurt. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he saw them together, but it wasn't Julian being open and happy. He'd assumed Julian would be completely different with a man, something that Noel would never be able to access. But he wasn't. He was the same as he'd seen him with his girlfriends, the ones he liked at least.   
  
There was a caring side to Julian that people would often miss at first. But he liked taking care of people, of being the one to sort things out for them. To be useful. He'd seen it on tour and TV sets where he'd fight Noel's corner when Noel was too unsure of himself to do it. He showed his affection through action and sometimes too aggressive physical demonstrations. You just had to learn to hold onto those moments because they'd disappear like smoke and you'd be left wondering if you might have imagined them.   
  
They made an attractive couple. He could picture them together easily enough. He wondered if Julian had held his hand when they were out. Had he taken him home to his family and kissed him goodbye at train stations?   
  
He'd left them to their conversation but he'd felt sad and uneasy for days afterwards. Matt had stayed for most of the week and Noel felt worse every time he saw them together. It wasn't even jealousy, at least not entirely. It was more wistful than that. He wondered now if it was the thought that maybe it wasn't Julian that was the problem. Maybe it was him.

 

^^^^  
  
"We should talk about it," Noel blurted suddenly. He didn't want to continue to be the problem. He wanted to learn to be a better boyfriend. He could do it. For Julian he would do it.   
  
Julian looked a bit startled, perhaps because he hadn't spent the last few minutes pondering the past in such forensic detail. But he nodded, looking a little unhappy at the thought. "I guess we should."   
  
"I don't regret it," Noel rushed out, wanting to get his side across first before Julian spoke. "I don't want to forget it or go back to how we were before." It shouldn't be hard to say something honest but it felt like every word was being ripped from his chest.   
  
Julian let out a little breath, Noel thought it might be relief and his chest filled with that fizzy sort of joy again.   
  
"Me too," Julian nodded. "I don't know... I'm not sure what this is but I'd like to... I'd like it if we could try to-"   
  
Noel took pity on him. "Me too."   
  
Julian smiled at him, it was a bit tentative, but it made his eyes shine. "Okay," he said, and then laughed, burying his face in his hands. "This is fucking ridiculous. I don't know what's wrong with me."   
  
Noel grinned and slid down the sofa towards him. It was somehow easier without Julian looking at him. He reached out to run a hand down his arm. "It's weird as fuck," he said, softly. "I'm not sure how I'm meant to act around you now. Or like, what this means?" He knew it was cowardice to phrase it as a question but he couldn't help it.   
  
Julian dropped his hands and looked at him. "Yeah, it's..." he trailed off and looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap. “I’m glad that we can… I’m glad.” He finished, looking a bit mortified at himself.  
  
Noel leant over so he was pressed to him down one side. "Does this mean I can start dressing you again?" Noel said after a moment, hoping to release the tension a bit.  
  
Julian laughed, Noel felt it as a rumble down his side. "Are you saying I haven't been dressing to your standards lately?"   
  
Noel turned his head so he could look up at him. "Nah, I just like dressing you up, is all."   
  
There was a pleased smile spreading across Julian’s face and Noel couldn’t contain it anymore. He leant up and kissed him on the side of the mouth. When Julian didn't pull he away, he pushed himself closer, Julian turning so they could kiss properly.   
  
This he could do. This part he knew well and being able to explore it with Julian was so thrilling that he didn’t think that he’d ever be tired of it.  
  
***  
  
“So,” Julian said, his hand running down Noel’s bare back where he was still lying half on top of him. “Are we still doing the movie?”  
  
Noel stilled for a moment. “I want to, yeah,” he said, his voice small. “I mean, I’d rather do this…” Noel gestured between them, “But, like, can’t we do both?”  
  
“Yeah, I think so,” Julian said, pleased with the response. “I guess we should finish the script and get it sent off in that case.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said, he seemed totally relaxed, like he might drop off to sleep any moment. It felt unaccountably good to be sharing the moment with him.  
  
“I don’t…” he started, overcome with the moment, and then stopped himself. He wanted to tell Noel that he wasn’t about to hide their relationship. He’d never lied about himself before and he didn’t want to start now. But he wasn’t ready to lay all his cards on the table. He didn’t know what Noel would want and he certainly had more to lose by making their relationship public. “Are you going to tell people?” That felt too vague though, so he added, “Julia knows where I am.”  
  
Noel looked up at him, his eyes wide. “She knows what happened?”  
  
“Yeah,” Julian nodded, running his hand down Noel’s back again, hoping it would comfort him. “She’s happy for us.”  
  
Noel frowned at that but didn’t argue and Julian couldn’t blame him for the skepticism. It did seem weird, but then so was she and he’d long ago accepted that. Besides, Noel didn’t know that she’d been privy to their whole sorry relationship. Julian was never any good at lying and she’d always been able to see straight through him anyway. She had only ever really wanted him to be happy and that seemed to still be the case.  
  
“Well,” Noel said, “I don’t want to be anyone’s dirty little secret.”  
  
Julian grinned. “As if,” he said. “You’d be a massive kinky secret at best.”  
  
Noel laughed. “I don’t…” he stopped and tried again, "What do you think?"   
  
He didn't know what to say. Julian had always been private. He didn't like speaking about his personal life to anyone. He found that talking about it often led to him obsessing - worrying about what it was that was keeping his relationships together. What if by defining it he also killed it? Dragging things into the light to examine them usually made them seem dull and uninteresting at the very least. At worse it killed them outright. Beside, he wasn't stupid. He knew that if they went public it was going to get attention. People were going to be asking a whole lot of questions. Questions he wasn't too keen on answering.   
  
That was before they took into consideration their careers. Noel's was built on people - especially women - liking him. Coming out might change all that. A bit of suggestive gender bending and some flirtations while in character might be titillating, but admitting you were fucking your comedy partner was something else entirely.   
  
Noel was looking at him, waiting for his response. He needed to speak. "I don't know, maybe we should figure out what this is first."   
  
Noel didn't look disappointed. In fact, he locked his face entirely to stop any emotion showing at all. "Okay, yeah, that makes sense. We don't have to say anything for now."   
  
Noel lay his head back down on Julian's chest and didn't say anything else. But Julian felt a heavy weight settle in his stomach. He knew when an argument had been sidestepped rather than averted. He hated that he found talking about these things so hard. But he found it impossible to form the words to express the seething mass of emotions in his chest. He needed time to formulate them, but no one wanted that. They wanted answers or forgiveness or explanations right then and there.   
  
Noel had never had that problem. He was always perfectly happy to share whatever emotion happened to occur to him. He didn't mind having an audience for just about anything. Including fights. Julian hated that. He shut down the moment someone tried to talk to him about emotions with an audience. But Noel didn't care who was around, if he wanted a fight it was going to happen, being in public wasn't going to save you.   
  
There were two really bad fights that stood out. But probably the one that stuck with him most was the one right before Future Sailors.

 

^^^^  
  
It was the night before opening and they still didn't have an ending. It wasn't that he wasn't aware that the show was opening the next day, it was more that he'd gone so beyond stressed that he'd emerged on the other side. It wasn't exactly peaceful there but it meant that he could calmly reply to anyone that mentioned it that it would be fine. He was okay, just so long as he ignored the heavy stone in his stomach and the tension headache that refused to budge from his temples.   
  
Noel on the other hand was pacing like a caged animal. They'd been in rehearsals for what felt like their entire lives but the ending just refused to form. They should have worked on it earlier. But there had been so much to do. He felt wistful for the days when their show was the only thing in their lives. They'd spent months working on nothing else. Now there was always something else wanting their attention. Festivals. Books. Partners. Or, if you were Noel, hangers-on.   
  
The idea of doing something new always appealed to Julian. He liked the challenge of not really knowing what he was doing. It felt somehow more satisfying. That and it distracted them from the fact that they weren't really... clicking. There was something slightly off about their writing for the show. He wondered if Noel had noticed it too. He'd been more keen to start work on the show than him, but he had never actually forced the issue.   
  
He was certainly more freaked out about the ending than Julian. Noel was working himself up into a frenzy the like of which he'd never seen before. He was always jovial, even when he was stressed. It normally came out as a breathless stream of jokes about how scared he was.   
  
This was something new. He was scowling and stalking around the room. Everyone else was sitting in uncomfortable silence watching the two of them bicker about what should happen.   
  
"Let's get some food," Julian said eventually. It was getting late and the low blood sugar wasn't doing anyone any good. A break might help them refocus.   
  
"No," Noel snapped. "We need to figure something out first."   
  
"We're not getting anywhere," Julian said, rubbing his eyes. "We should get some food and come back to it."   
  
"Taking a break is what got us into this mess," Noel said, his expression stony.   
  
It was a dig at him. Every other thing out of his mouth all day had been. Apparently Julian having other commitments wasn't fair, like Noel wasn't out every night and hungover most days. Like it wasn't both of them that agreed to the other projects. Like Julian wasn't fighting feelings of guilt for embarking on a massive tour and leaving the boys for nearly six months. But he didn't have the energy to fight with him. He didn't have the energy for much anymore. He just felt tired, almost bone-weary with the whole thing, and they hadn't even started the tour yet. He needed a break. But he hadn't had a day off in four years and so that didn't seem very likely.   
  
He was working his way up to something like an angry rebuttal, but Dave got there first.     
  
"Why don't me and Mike get a takeaway?" he said, tentatively. "We can bring it back and you guys can keep working."   
  
His was face open and sincere when Julian looked over at him. He could feel the fight looming too. They all could. Noel was spoiling for one and it didn't matter how much Julian tried to avoid it; it was coming at them like a freight train. He was probably keen to be out of the way and Julian couldn't blame him.   
  
"Yeah, okay," he said softly. He'd have preferred to get out of the room but that was a pipe dream. Noel wasn't letting him out of there until he was satisfied. That meant an ending or a massive fight. Probably both at this point.   
  
They hadn't actually had a fight in since the NME shoot. They'd been too busy to even consider anything other than the job in front of them. But that didn't mean it hadn't been bubbling between them. Everything was starting to get wound too tight, too many unfinished snide remarks had been let go.   
  
"Whatever," Noel shrugged.   
  
It was going to be bad. Noel usually kept his temper directed at Julian only.   
  
He sighed as the door swung shut behind Dave and Mike. "Maybe we should run through the ending to where we are." His voice sounded flat even to his own ears. He knew he needed to work up some enthusiasm but he couldn't muster the energy.   
  
"We know where we are," Noel huffed.   
  
Julian’s jaw tensed. "How about we just try it without a joining bit? The band could just play an intro while we're off."   
  
It was a bad idea. That's all anyone had suggested for hours but he was at a loss.   
  
"We can't just leave such a big climax hanging - that fucking Honey Monster gag is the biggest one in the show. We can't just leave dead air. People won't get the transition to the band." Noel hadn't sat down in over an hour, he'd stood, hands on his hips or biting his thumb nail and glaring around at anyone who dared speak.   
  
Noel had never been sure about playing the mini gig at the end of the show. He thought it would work better incorporated. But there wasn't time to figure that out and anyway, Julian figured they'd be doing more Boosh Band in the future and wanted to start acclimatising people to that idea. Noel knew that. They'd had the conversation about a hundred times over the last month as they wrote the show.   
  
"It's got to be Rich." Julian couldn't stifle a yawn and Noel glowered at him for a moment. Julian had read somewhere that some people responded to stress by yawning uncontrollably. Maybe that's why he felt like he could barely stand up.   
  
"Obviously," Noel huffed.   
  
They talked around the issue again and again, until even Rich started running out of contributions. Dave and Mike came back with bags of food into a silent room with Noel furiously reading over his notes and Julian wondering if he could check his phone for messages without his head being bitten off.   
  
Dave handed out the food quietly, looking like he would rather be anywhere else. Julian couldn't remember a worse atmosphere. Noel had been weird with him all through the edit of series three and writing for the live show. One minute he was all cold shoulder and pretending he wasn't even the room and the next it was like nothing had changed.   
  
"We need something that's going to give us enough time to change after the crimps," Noel said to the room at large.   
  
Julian didn't respond, his eyes focused on his curry. That was mistake number one. But Noel had literally said the same thing at least twenty times. There wasn't anything else to add.   
  
"Julian," he snapped after a moment, "are you listening?"   
  
"Kind of hard to ignore you when you're prattling on like that," he muttered.   
  
Mistake two and three. You don't mutter insults at a Fielding. It riled them more than shouting. It was also the sort of comment he knew wound Noel up - he hated it when Julian said something dismissive about his ideas. It was a hangover from when they started working together. Although where they'd use to make him quiet and pouty they now made him combative and angry.   
  
"I'm just saying that stating the obvious isn't getting us anywhere," he hurried on. "We should just move up the joke from the middle of first act."   
  
"No!" Noel said in a strangled voice. "We need something new. It's too flat."   
  
"Okay, what do you think we should do?" Mistake four. Julian tried to keep the frustration out of his voice but it was late and he was tired and he hated it when Noel looked at him like that. It seemed like years since he'd looked at him with any real warmth. He didn't understand how this was his fault but everything seemed to be lately.   
  
"I don't know," Noel said, through clenched teeth. "We should have figured this out months ago."   
  
Julian sighed. They'd been having this argument all day. Noel kept coming back to the point that they'd been slacking off. It was like he couldn't get past it to think about anything else. Somehow it was Julian's fault, but he was hazy about why this was the case.   
  
"Well we didn't, we were pretty busy if you remember and now we're here and we have to figure it out." His voice was rising to match his irritation. Mistake five.   
  
He hated arguing with Noel and he especially hated doing it with an audience. He always felt like they were somehow on Noel's side, no matter the situation. He hunched his shoulders and wondered if there was a way out.   
  
"Well," Noel dropped his food to the floor, "thanks for that, Dad. What other pearls of wisdom do you have? Shame there aren't any actual ideas in there to go with all the condescending bollocks."     
  
"Look, you're not exactly helping here, why don't we just talk about it calmly and we can figure something out?" Mistake six. You didn't try to reason with Noel when he was that worked up, especially when you're basically shouting yourself.   
  
Noel took a step toward him. "You're the one that kept saying it would fine! We're fucking performing this tomorrow and if we fuck it up, then it could be over. Everyone's expecting something awesome and we've not got an ending."   
  
He knew all this. He'd been saying it would be fine because there was no other option. Besides, they'd never had a block this bad before. How was he meant to know that they might be running out of ideas? He supposed he could have guessed by the disjointed relationship they'd had lately and with Noel burning the candle at both ends and Julian stretched so thinly he barely had enough energy to get through the easiest of days. But he hadn't. Not that it would have helped to see the disaster looming.   
  
"It's not my fault you don't have any ideas," he said sharply.   
  
Mistake seven. You did not try and shift blame. Not until Noel had calmed down.   
  
"I don't have ideas? What exactly have you contributed today?" he hissed. "You've barely even been around - you're too fucking important to be here apparently."   
  
It was such a stupid thing to say that Julian just rolled his eyes. Mistake eight. It was a record number of mistakes in a row, and it was only heightened by the tension already in the room which probably explained what happened next.   
  
"Would you just fucking _do_ something," Noel shouted, walking right up to him and, when Julian didn't look up, he kicked out. His foot connected squarely with the foil container he was holding carefully in front of him. The curry left his hands and, in seemingly slow motion, sprayed out in an arc from Julian's still outstretched hands. He watched in horror as it landed in Rich's lap, coating his chest and neck in the thick, still hot, liquid.   
  
Everyone froze, staring at Rich. Noel stood rooted to the spot, his face was a mask of horror.   
  
"Oh man," Rich said slowly, looking down at his ruined clothes, "that's not cool."   
  
For Rich it amounted to a torrent of abuse.   
  
"Oh my God!" Noel said, rushing toward him. "I'm so sorry!"   
  
Rich sighed heavily as he stood up, dumping the rest of Julian's dinner onto the floor and wiping some of it off his shirt.   
  
"Are you okay?" Noel said, his voice a bit strangled.   
  
"This dinner is ruined!" Rich shouted, but he was already smiling, somehow enjoying the attention even though his clothes were ruined.   
  
Julian took the opportunity to skulk out of the room. He went to the toilets and washed his face, hoping to shake the argument. He was staring blankly at his own reflection when Dave opened the door. He pushed down the embarrassment at the fact Dave had just witnessed a domestic and nodded at him.   
  
"You alright?" Dave said, hesitating for a moment in the doorway before coming into the room.   
  
"I'm fine," he said, very much not in the mood to talk about it.   
  
"He doesn't mean it," Dave said. Julian knew he'd long ago picked Noel in whatever battle lines had been drawn between them; it had never even been in question. They all had, and that was fine. Noel would be able to offer them something after this fell apart. Julian was already sure he'd take years to get over it. Or maybe they all blamed him too. He didn't dare ask.   
  
He shrugged. "He's pretty insistent for someone who doesn't mean it," he said, softly.   
  
Dave reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. "He's just really stressed and he thinks it's all his fault." It didn't make him feel any better but he appreciated the effort nonetheless. Dave paused, looking a bit unsure before he continued. "He just wants your attention but he's being a div about getting it."   
  
It was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. His thoughts must have shown on his face because Dave smiled at him.   
  
"He misses you," he said, and shrugged.   
  
Julian opened his mouth to point out that they saw each other every day. But closed it again and went with something more truthful. "Me too," he said softly.   
  
Dave looked up at him, eyes wide, perhaps surprised at the honesty.   
  
"I don't know how-" Julian started. "He's angry with me all the time." He felt stupid and sad saying it out loud, especially because his voice was all wobbly.   
  
"He's not angry at you," Dave said gently. "He's just..." He gave up and shrugged. "You should talk to him."   
  
"I know," Julian said, "I will."   
  
"No," Dave said, his face serious. "I mean you should talk to him. About everything."   
  
Julian's stomach flipped like he'd missed a step going down the stairs. Did he know? How much did he know? Leeds? More? He searched his face but couldn't discern anything from it.   
  
"I-" Julian started. He wasn't sure what he was going to say. Perhaps he'd have spilled out the whole sorry tale, his feelings of helplessness and fear that he was losing Noel forever. But at that moment Rich burst into the toilet.   
  
He was now just wearing his tiny pants and shrieking about being on fire. The moment was gone and Dave stepped back out of the way. Noel came and apologised a little later, his face pale and eyes swimming with tears. Julian just pulled him close and ran a hand over the back of his head. They didn't talk about it. Julian simply didn't have the words. But they figured out an ending. Rich would come on and play some bingo with the crowd, get them involved in the proceedings and hyped up for when the band came back on. It was a nice idea and papered over the cracks.

  
^^^^  
  
That was all they ever did back then, paper over bigger and bigger cracks until the whole thing came tumbling down on top of them. He didn't want to keep doing that now. He couldn't count the number of times they'd decided not to talk about something in order to keep the peace or so they could keep working. He was tired of it and Noel was right: not saying how they felt had torn them apart.   
  
He was going to try and stop overthinking everything. "Noel," he said, nudging him awake.   
  
"Wha'?" Noel mumbled, stirring from where he'd been dozing on Julian's chest.   
  
"I think we should talk to Amanda," he said, his heart beating fast in his chest.   
  
Noel pushed himself up onto his elbow. He was frowning. "What are you talking about?"   
  
"I think we should talk to Amanda... about... us." He waited for Noel to catch up, not wanting to spell it out for him for fear that he'd disagree.   
  
He knew the moment it clicked because Noel grinned at him. "Yeah?"   
  
"Yeah," Julian agreed. "If we're really going to do this, she should know. Maybe she can help with, like, you know... stuff." He chickened out of saying 'the media' or 'announcements' but it was clear what he meant because what else was their manager going to help with exactly?   
  
"Okay," Noel said, his smile growing wider. "I'll call her in the morning."   
  
"Good, great, we'll go in and see her together," Julian said, feeling relieved and a bit proud of himself. It was ridiculous but it felt like a declaration of intent. And Noel had not only agreed, he was positively beaming at him.   
  
It felt good. It felt different.   
  
"She's going to think I put a spell on you or something," he said, feeling a bit self conscious and trying to hide it.   
  
Noel rolled his eyes. "As if," he said, "she was always taking the piss out of my heart eyes whenever I looked at you. She's going to think the opposite if anything."   
  
"What the hell are heart eyes?" Julian said, knowing he was about a second away from blushing if they kept talking about it.   
  
"Oh grandad," Noel said, grinning. "You are so old."   
  
"Less of that sir," Julian said, trying to look haughty. "You're only a couple of years younger than me."   
  
"You're about a million years old," Noel said, lying his head back on Julian's chest. "I'm timeless. I've barely aged in the last twenty years."   
  
"Who are you? Dorian Grey?" Julian said, dropping a kiss on his head. "I'm just getting more and more distinguished. You're clinging to youth like a dying leaf in winter."   
  
Noel pinched him hard on the arm rather than responding. It led to a brief tussle which resulted in Noel pinning him to the bed and showing him just how young and flexible he still was. Julian didn't complain.   
  
***  
  
"I'm seeing Mike later," Noel said the next morning at breakfast. He looked over at Julian were he'd started unloading the dishwasher, feeling a bit uncertain. "I was going to mention the film."   
  
Julian paused, hand still outstretched to put away a mug. "Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah," he said. "It's probably time."  
  
Julian carried on unloading crockery. "Sure, I guess so."  
  
"I know we said we'd wait until the script was in but I'm seeing him and I don't want to not say anything. I mean, we think it'll happen right?" He sounded as nervous about the question as he felt. He didn't want to rock the boat but they needed to talk about it eventually. It was going to be a lot to take on, starting a relationship and doing a film together. But he also thought that maybe they needed it too. Being able to put the memories of the last one behind them might help them create something new. As long as the pressure didn't snuff it out entirely.   
  
"Yeah, of course," Julian said. He still seemed worried, and Noel waited to see if he'd give it up on his own. "Are you going to mention... you know, everything else?"   
  
Ah. So that was it.   
  
The truth was he hadn't actually considered it. It wasn't like he and Mike shared every detail of their lives but it would be a huge thing not to mention. He stared at Julian, wondering if he was against the idea of not. He couldn't tell because he'd turned away again and was staking plates. "I don't know, would you mind?"   
  
Julian turned to him and shrugged. "It's your call. I don't..." He shrugged again.  
  
Noel wasn't sure how to respond to that, or how he felt about the idea of Mike knowing anyway. "I think I'll tell him," he said in the end. Surely Julian wouldn't mind. He was the one suggesting they went to see Amanda. But he held his breath anyway, waiting for his reaction.  
  
Julian was still for a long time. "Will he be okay with it? Should I... be there?"  
  
Noel felt his heart squeeze in affection. He wasn't worried about people knowing, he was worried about Noel. Julian was a traditional guy, in his own way, and he should have realised that he'd panic about the bloody etiquette of it all. “Nah, it’ll be fine,” he said, waving him off. “Mike’s not going to say anything at all, probably. You know what he’s like.”  
  
Julian nodded, something almost like a smile on his lips. “Right, well, I better get back,” he said, looking a bit awkward again.  
  
Noel wondered when that might end, when they'd stop needing to tiptoe around everything. "Cool,” he said, trying to sound at ease. “I’ll give you a call after I’ve seen him, yeah?” He walked into Julian’s personal space, trying to stop him from thinking too much. As if that was even possible.  
  
Julian relaxed into him, his arms coming up to encircle his waist. “Yeah, okay, sounds good.”  
  
“You coming over tonight?” he asked, grinning up at him. He wondered if he might be pushing things too fast, if they shouldn’t take it a bit slower, but he wanted to see him. It wasn’t like they weren’t used to seeing each other everyday anyway. They could handle a couple of nights in a row.  
  
Julian smiled down at him, something soft and happy in his expression that meant he’d said the right thing. “Yes, give me a call when you’re free and I’ll come over.”  
  
Noel kissed him, and it was different from their other kisses. It was simple affection: an affirmation rather than a question. It made him giddy and happy. He was grinning when they pulled back. “Go on then,” he said, stepping back. “Get out of here.”  
  
Julian grinned at him and dropped another kiss on his forehead before leaving.  
  
Mike wasn’t due round until the afternoon, so he spent some time painting and milling about the flat. It was nice, he felt relaxed and at ease in a way he hadn’t for ages, possibly years. And he hadn’t had a dream about Howard and Vince since they started working on the script. He found himself humming along to some early Stones as he worked. He kept catching himself smiling too widely and tried to stop, only to find himself doing it again moments later.  
  
Mike arrived about an hour late, which was essentially his version of prompt. They grabbed some beer and chatted about nothing in particular. But Noel got more and more jittery the longer they talked and he didn’t mention Julian. It didn’t help that every other thing out of Mike’s mouth reminded him of Julian and he kept having to swallow down the urge to mention him.  
  
“So, how’ve you been? Been up to much?” Mike eventually asked.  
  
Noel froze for a moment. There were so many ways to answer that, that he wasn’t sure where to even begin. Now that the time had come he was unsure. It wasn’t like Mike was a homophobe or anything; he’d seen Noel cop off with blokes before. But this was different. He’d never actually dated a man.  Plus it was Julian.   
  
They’d never really spoken about everything that happened, it wasn’t Mike’s style, but he’d always been protective of Noel. He’d sensed how devastated he’d been after the Boosh – it was hard to miss – and since then he’d been... cool towards Julian. Not hostile, he’d never even said anything, but there was a sense that he’d been annoyed at him for leaving, for hurting Noel, even if he might have deserved it. There was so much to untangle and he didn’t want to upset anyone.  
  
“Erm, I’m good, yeah,” he said, nerves thrumming through him. “I’ve actually been seeing Ju a lot recently.” That was good, he could ease into it.  
  
“Yeah?” Mike raised his eyebrows. “How’s that? You two fighting or have you kissed and made up?”  
  
Noel paused, feeling unexpectedly embarrassed. “Well, we’re writing together,” he managed after a pause that had already gone on too long. He hadn’t meant to dodge the question, but he couldn’t get the words out. Besides, maybe it was better to see how he took the news of the film before talking about everything else.  
  
Mike smiled at him. “Really, like the Boosh or...?” he trailed off and gestured with the bottle.  
  
“A film, for the Boosh. Steve Coogan has paid for a script and... yeah...” He didn’t dare look up and rushed on. “Are you up for being in it with us? We don’t have dates or anything, and I’ve got Bake Off anyway, and I don’t know that it’ll happen, but... like, it’d be good if you wanted to be a part of it.”  
  
Mike’s eyebrows had climbed higher and higher as he rambled on. “What’s your deal?” he said slowly. “Yeah, I’ll be in it, if you want, but why are you being such a freak about it?”  
  
Noel let out a shaky breath. He supposed he had worked himself up a bit. It suddenly seemed so huge. A Boosh movie. It would be a massive undertaking. He’d never even made a film before, he didn’t know what he was doing. Plus Julian was right – it was probably nearly a decade too late for anyone to really care. And that was before he and Julian had decided to do... whatever the hell they were doing.  
  
Noel didn’t say anything for so long that Mike filled the silence. “Is it shit or something?”  
  
He laughed, a nervous, high-pitched sound. “No, it’s actually good. I mean, it’s nowhere near finished, but I think it could be really good.”  
  
“So? What’s got your knickers in a twist?” Mike was frowning at him, genuinely confused about why Noel was worried.  
  
Not for the first time Noel wished that he’d inherited more of the laid-back attitude that Mike seemed to brim with. It wasn’t like he was particularly tightly wound, but he did get stressed. He felt the expectation of people on his shoulders, coupled with a need to prove himself constantly. He just wanted to make things that people liked.  
  
He looked up and shrugged. “Me and Ju...” he started in a rush but couldn’t work out what he wanted to say.  
  
“What?” Mike said again.  
  
“We’re together,” he said. It was probably the lamest thing he could have possibly said.  
  
“What are you on about?” Mike was getting an edge to his voice, annoyed at Noel’s hedging. Mike didn’t really truck with not just saying what you meant. He supposed it was because he was so at ease with himself, he didn’t do a lot of second guessing.  
  
“Me and Ju... when we went away to write the script, we erm...” Why was it so hard to say? But every variation that he tried in his head sounded stupid or over the top or just wrong.  
  
He could see the moment that it dawned on Mike what he was fumbling around saying. “You’re shagging?”  
  
Well. That was one way of putting it. “No!” he said, then obviously had to follow it up with, “Well, yes, but it’s not like that.”  
  
Mike got to his feet. “Are you out of your mind?” he said.   
  
_Oh God. He was angry._ _  
_ _  
_ Noel just blinked at him helplessly. He had a moment to be glad that Julian wasn’t there to see the reaction before he got to his feet too. He wasn’t sure how to respond, but he was gathering himself to say something angry when Mike talked over him.  
  
“What’s wrong with you?” Noel felt horror trickle up his spine. He wasn’t prepared for a bad reaction. What was he going to do if Mike didn’t want anything to do with them? Julian was going to freak out. He wanted to say something but Mike was shouting again. “He’s got kids, Noel, you can’t just do that!”  
  
_Oh. Right. That._  “No,” Noel said frantically, holding out his hand. “I mean, yes, he does. But him and Julia... they aren’t together anymore.”  
  
Mike stopped, his eyes narrowing as though weighing up if he believed him.  
  
Noel rushed on. “And she knows about us... it’s not... We... It’s not just shagging.”  
  
Mike screwed up his face. “Less of the shagging talk,” he said, but he sat back down, his anger seeming to dim.  
  
Noel took a deep breath and slowly took his own seat. “It’s new,” he said. “I mean, like a couple of days. But, it’s... I think it’s really good.”  
  
Mike didn’t move for a long time, blinking slowly at him. “Okay,” he said, slowly. “And you’re doing a film together?”  
  
Noel let out a shaky breath. “Yeah,” he said. “I mean, like I say, it might not happen. But, we’re working on something and we want to make it.”  
  
“That’s a lot of news,” Mike said slowly.  
  
Noel laughed, it sounded shaky and uncertain. “I know,” he said. “I’m basically freaking out.”  
  
“You’re okay? Is he... are you both okay?” Mike was already uncomfortable with the feelings talk. It just wasn’t what they did. They joked around and talked nonsense. Dave had always been the one he went to if he wanted to talk. Or, weirdly, Rich. But he’d always struggled to do the same with Mike, possibly because he was the little brother and Noel felt compelled to always be the one that was fine. The one that made things better.  
  
“I think so,” he said. “I mean, it’s... it’s a lot, you know?”  
  
Mike just nodded. “Is he your boyfriend now then?”  
  
_Oh God._ “I guess?”  
  
“I’ve got to take all this in, but then I’m going to rip the piss out of you for this. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard," Mike said, his eyes narrowed but Noel thought he could detect a smile forming under his beard.  
  
He laughed again, it sounded more natural and less strangled than the last one. “Yeah, it’s mental.”  
  
Mike watched him for a long time. “Are you sure?” He fidgeted for a moment. “Julian really did a number on you last time.”  
  
There it was. The unspoken grudge that none of them even wanted to acknowledge existed, let alone talk about. He wanted to leap in and defend Julian, but knew he’d sound too defensive. Besides, Mike wasn’t exactly wrong, not in a way that would matter to him in any meaningful way.  
  
“I’m sure,” he said, meeting his eyes. “I think he was just trying to protect himself, you know? It was a really fucked up situation and that was my fault as much as it was his.” It was probably the biggest oversimplification in history, but that didn’t stop it being true. “I’ve loved him since I was 18, Mike, I can’t not try to be with him.” It sounded melodramatic and stupid, but then, so was he, and so he supposed it was fitting.  
  
Mike didn’t say anything for a long time. Noel let him be; it wouldn’t do any good to push him. He’d do what he thought was right no matter what Noel said. It was why he loved him so much.  
  
“Alright,” he said eventually. “I don’t want you to ever mention what you two get up to with each other, but I guess I’ll be in your movie if you want me to be.”  
  
Noel leapt up and pulled him into a bruising and slightly awkward hug. “Alright, get off me,” Mike said, shoving him.  
  
Noel kissed him on the cheek just to annoy him and ruffled his hair. They didn’t talk about it again for the rest of the afternoon, but he pulled him into a tight hug before he left and whispered, “Thanks for understanding. It wouldn’t have been a Boosh movie without Naboo.”  
  
“Too right it wouldn’t,” he said. “And don’t think I’m going to lay off taking the piss when I see you two with each other.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Noel said, grinning. “But, just, no one knows about the film or me and Ju yet, so can you keep it quiet? Don’t even tell mum or dad.”  
  
Mike frowned at him. “Are you keeping it a secret?” he sounded suspicious again.  
  
Noel shook his head. “No, but it’s really new and we need to figure it out. We can’t just come out, there’s a lot to consider.”  
  
“Okay,” Mike shrugged. He didn’t understand. It wouldn’t occur to Mike to worry about his career or what other people thought. He did what made him happy. Noel wished he could be more like him. But, regardless of the fact he didn’t get it, he wasn’t going to judge them for their decisions. He was a good brother. The best there was.  
  
***  
  
Julian was on edge all day. It felt like he was being judged for something that he wasn’t even present for. He couldn’t imagine Mike making a huge fuss but he'd make it abundantly clear if he didn't like it. It was obvious, for example, that he held Julian responsible for the end of the Boosh. And that was fine. He was Noel's baby brother and Julian was the man who had made his brother cry. He just didn't want their relationship to cause any issues between the brothers.   
  
He fussed about the house, tidying things and then a few minutes later rearranging them again. Julia finally shooed him into his study and threatened to lock him in if he didn't stop 'being an anxious weirdo' around her. In the end he picked up his guitar and starting playing.   
  
It took his mind off things, and he put together a few ideas for songs. He didn't realise for over an hour it was for the Boosh but it made sense. Noel seemed to be filling his head even when he wasn't thinking about him directly.   
  
It was dark before the phone rang and Noel's name flashed up. He smiled down at it for a moment before answering. "How was he?" He'd been planning on playing it a bit cooler than that but his brain had obviously decided that he'd had enough of waiting and asked for him.   
  
Noel chuckled on the other end of the phone. "That's the greeting? Where's the romance?"   
  
Julian relaxed immediately. Noel wouldn't be joking around if anything had genuinely gone wrong. "Oh, is that what you're after?" he asked, smiling softly. "Like what sort of thing?"   
  
"Hmm," Noel said, he could hear the smile and made his own grow. "I don't know, but I reckon I'm worth more than a demand for information. How about how much you've missed me? Or how good my clothes are? Or how I've aged way better than most men you know."   
  
"Your clothes are ridiculous - you still dress like a futuristic, alien, prostitute." He put down the guitar and leant back in his chair.   
  
"Oh, that's real nice, coming from a man who looks like he dresses by mugging the homeless. I'll have you know that my last Instagram selfie had over 300 comments about my general sexiness." He could hear the amusement under the mock outrage.   
  
"Over three hundred, eh?"   
  
"Yeah, how about you? Bet you only get requests for denture recommendations when you post pictures of yourself."   
  
Julian laughed, ruining the effect of the banter. "I'm a refined taste," he said. "You probably only have blind or confused teenagers following you. They probably think you're a parody account or one for a kindly idiot who doesn't know any better. They're just trying to encourage you."   
  
"Oh, that's nice," Noel said, affecting a hurt tone. "You see if I'm letting you fuck me tonight after that kind of talk."   
  
A jolt of lust so strong shot through him at the words that he nearly dropped the phone. He'd always had a thing for the way Noel swore. He knew he had a kinky, almost filthily, side under that naive act he affected. It was thrilling, and to have it aimed at him was almost too much. He swallowed heavily.   
  
"That," he said, his voice suddenly a lot deeper. "That would be a shame."   
  
"Yeah," Noel said, seeming pick up on Julian's sudden change in mood, his own voice taking on a deeper register. "I guess it would."  
  
"Are you home?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound as keen as he felt.   
  
"I might be," Noel said, the teasing note in his voice was back, but it was layered under a something warm and seductive. "Would you want to come over if I was?"   
  
Julian licked his lips. "Yes." It came out almost as a whisper.   
  
"And what would you do if I said you could come over now?"   
  
"I'd be out of the door in under a minute."   
  
"And if I told you I was already naked and waiting?"   
  
"It'd be closer to ten seconds."   
  
Noel laughed, soft and gentle, more of a purr than an actual laugh. "Well, in that case, get over here," he said.   
  
Julian was on his feet before he had even finished speaking.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He realised that he'd not said anything since entering the room. He cast about wildly for something to say. "Sorry I'm sleeping with your ex-boyfriend," was what eventually came out of his mouth. "Is it alright if I stay for tea?"
> 
> Julia stilled for a moment before throwing back her head and cackling loudly. Julian smiled at him over her head. It was a soft expression, something like pride in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ start or end of a flashback

Chapter Six

The next day Julian seemed reluctant to leave Noel's flat and Noel was even less inclined to make him. They lay around in bed, eating breakfast and chatting about the script. It was nice, domestic in a way that made something happy and warm lodge in his chest.

It was also terrifying. He didn't want to let himself be so happy so quickly: it didn't seem sustainable. But every time he looked at Julian, seemingly so at home in his flat, he felt as if he was floating. His face was starting to hurt from smiling so much. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed so often - he certainly couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Julian look so relaxed.

They had the appointment with Amanda scheduled for the next day but otherwise they didn't need to be anywhere. Julian finally suggested that he should head back to his house around midday. Noel nodded trying not to show his reluctance too clearly and he trailed behind him toward the front door.

"I was thinking," he said, lingering by the door, "we should start back on the script soon, get it out there and start thinking about funding."

"Yeah, okay," Noel said, feeling pleased at the idea of spending more time together. "I've got Bake Off coming up, so it would need to be soon."

"Okay," Julian shrugged easily. “Flowers starts filming soon too, but I'm sure we can find some time."

He looked up at Julian, his mood starting to dip, and bit his lip. "I guess I'll be pretty busy soon," he muttered. "Once it's finished I'll need to do promo and that. And I've got some other things I've agreed to as well."

He was used to this part. It was a familiar pattern at this point, a new relationship always flourished when he had some downtime but it never lasted. He liked working, he wanted to keep busy and so he filled his schedule. He never meant it to mean that the relationship fizzled out but that’s what happened. He loved his work, he liked diving head-first into every new project. They were all encompassing by design. But that didn’t leave much time for someone else to share his life with. Dee had been amazing, mostly because she approached their relationship in the same way. When it broke down Noel assumed it was because he’d gone off the deep end and stopped giving her even the small slivers of time they’d agreed to. But later he suspected it was also that she was getting tired of the lifestyle. She wanted more and he wasn’t capable of giving it.

Julian had remained tight-lipped on how he and Julia managed to work it out. But he’d seen the way Julian had given himself over to the relationship. He’d been resentful and jealous at the time, not understanding how his priorities could have changed so much and so quickly. Not that he’d asked. There was too much baggage in the way for him to form a question that wasn’t loaded with hurt at the rejection. It had never occurred to him that maybe Julian would have been happy to offer him the same if he’d only asked him first.

They still hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface of those years, all the hurt and crossed wires – he wasn’t sure he even wanted to, really. He suspected that neither of them would come off well from it. It might even open old wounds that were better left well alone. He was sure that he didn’t want to make the same mistakes again, but he wasn’t sure how to avoid it.

He was looking forward to filming Bake Off, despite the snide remarks and almost gleeful predictions that the show would tank. But he was reluctant to leave, terrified about what getting back to work would mean for them. He didn’t know how to divide his time and not half-ass a job. He wanted reassurance that everything was going to be alright, but he knew Julian wasn’t going to be able to give it to him. He found declarations hard.

Julian was looking at him closely, obviously having picked up on his change in mood. "Well, it was always going to take some time to get it sorted. I didn't think we'd be filming before next summer at least. There's loads to set up and we can do that from anywhere. Or, you know I like doing all that stuff anyway, if you're away and Flowers is wrapped."

Noel nodded. He didn't know how to explain it wasn't the film that he was worried about, not really.

"And I can," Julian paused. "I could always come and see you if you're not in London." He looked nervous but there was a defiant the slant to his lips, as though daring Noel to say something about it.

Noel grinned instead. "You going to miss me then?" he said, not able to resist teasing him, but also wanting to know.

Julian smiled down at him. "Nah, just don't want you getting up to any mischief. I'll only have to come and rescue you anyway so I might as well be proactive. I am a man of action, after all."

It was nice to have the banter back. He grinned and then remembered that he was allowed to kiss him now, too. So he did, reaching out to grab the front of his shirt and pulling him close. Julian came to him easily, a smile still on his lips.

"I don't want you to go," Noel said, their lips still nearly touching.

He did that a lot, he realised. Said something to Julian that he really meant about himself. Making it Julian's problem, Julian's fault, when it was really his. He didn't want to go, didn't want to start pulling back from whatever this was. He didn't know how to stop that. But he could try and stop Julian from leaving right now, eke out the time they could have tonight, as though he'd be able to store it up for future use.

Julian leant further into him. "I need to be back for dinner," he said.

Noel tried not to feel disappointed. He knew disappointment. It turned into resentment if left long enough.

But Julian kissed him softly. "Come with me," he whispered, as though not sure if he wanted Noel to hear him or not.

Warmth filled Noel's chest. "Really?"

Julian grinned. "Yeah, the boys would love it. And..." he trailed off. "I guess they should maybe get used to you being around more too."

Something fluttered in his chest, it might have been fear or excitement, he couldn't tell. "Shouldn't you..." he trailed off awkwardly. "Wouldn't Julia mind?"

Julian scrunched up his face. "No, she'd love to see you."

Noel shifted from foot to foot. "Are you sure?"

"Come on," he said, pulling Noel's arm. "You're going to have to face the music eventually."

"But what if she thinks I'm a sprite that's stolen you away?" He planted his feet and refused to be tugged along.

"Well, I'm not sure you can steal something that doesn't belong to anyone," Julian said, clearly enjoying Noel's discomfort.

"You know what I mean!" Noel said, nudging Julian gently.

"I do," he replied, pulling Noel to him and folding his arms around him tightly. "But I think you should come. I want you there, especially if you're going to be leaving soon."

Noel relaxed and buried his head into his chest. Julian understood what he was getting at and was trying to help. Maybe they'd be able to figure it out between them.

He followed Julian back across the street, trying to pretend not to feel nervous. He stood too close to him as he opened the door, wanting to soak in some comfort.

Julian gripped his hand briefly as they walked into the house. It was a fleeting touch, but it made Noel relax again. Julia looked up from her seat at the kitchen table, a laptop open in front of her when they walked in. Noel froze, half hidden behind Julian, his whole body locking up at the sight of her.

"Well, look who it is," she said, Noel couldn't see her face but thought he could detect a smile in her voice. "You ran out of here so fast last night I thought the house might have been on fire."

"If the house were on fire," Julian said, "I'd have at least been carrying my guitar."

"Hmmm, so it was the prospect of a shag then," she said.

Noel wondered if the floor might open and swallow him if he willed it hard enough.

"Well, you remember how it is," Julian replied, picking up an apple and munching away, seemingly totally unconcerned.

"Not remotely," she said. "Noel! You're here! I thought you might never come back."

She was out of her chair and making her way over before he had time to worry about it. "Hi," he managed before she was kissing him on the cheek and giving him a quick squeeze.

"To be honest," she said, leaning in, "I thought he might just have you tied to a bed somewhere. I was getting worried."

Noel could feel himself blushing. He looked down at his boots. What was even an appropriate response to that?

"Oh God, do shut up," Julian said, pushing away from the side and walking over to them. "Leave him alone."

She smiled, more of a smirk, really. "I'm not doing anything," she said. "I was just going to point out that he could always come to me if he has any problems, you know? I might be able to help."

He realised that he'd not said anything since entering the room. He cast about wildly for something to say. "Sorry I'm sleeping with your ex-boyfriend," was what eventually came out of his mouth. "Is it alright if I stay for tea?"

Julia stilled for a moment before throwing back her head and cackling loudly. Julian smiled at him over her head. It was a soft expression, something like pride in his eyes.

Noel blushed again but a smile tugged at his lips.

The rest of the night was a happy, loud affair. Noel helped Julian to cook dinner and they all ate together. Afterwards, they hung out in the living room watching telly and chatting. It was nice, domestic in a way Noel had rarely experienced firsthand. He settled on the sofa at the opposite end to Julian. But as the night wore on, Julian managed to edge toward him until his arm was stretched out behind Noel on the back of the cushions. After the boys were safely in bed Noel gave into the gravitational pull and lay his head on Julian's shoulder. He closed his eyes for a moment and was asleep.

"Are you guys going to sleep here?" Julia was trying to speak quietly but Noel was a light sleeper. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to interrupt.

"We can go to his if you like."

He'd never really heard them talking before, he realised, not in such an unguarded way. He'd always been too busy trying to pretend that he was thrilled for them both; talking too loudly and laughing too much.

"This is still your house," Julia said softly. "Stay."

There was a pause where Noel imagined Julian considering her words, eyes narrowed as he assessed if he could take her at her word.

"Just try to keep it down, I know what you're like when you get carried away." She loved teasing Julian. He could relate: there was something so satisfying about it, seeing when you landed a good joke. It was one of the best ways to bond with him, there was something intimate in knowing where you could prod him without hurting.

"Like you won't have a glass pressed against the wall, desperately trying to hear us," Julian said, his hand coming to rest of Noel's head before running his fingers through his hair. Noel wondered if he noticed he was doing it.

"It seems good between you," she said after a few moments.

"Yeah," Julian agreed. "Apart from the way he pretends to be asleep so he can eavesdrop on my conversations, it's great."

Noel froze, his breath hitching. He considered his options before opening his eyes. He could see Julia grinning when he blinked them open. She didn't seem bothered that he might have overheard them. He chanced a look up at Julian who was smiling down at him.

"How'd you know I was awake?" he asked, affecting a hurt tone.

"I can read you like a book. A very short picture book," Julian said.

"A pretty one though, with loads of magic in it," he shot back, still feeling relaxed and sleepy.

Julian's smile widened. "Yeah, a very pretty one."

"Oh God," Julia said loudly. "I take it back, get out of my house. You're disgusting."

"Too late," Julian said. "Come on, little man, let's go to bed."

Julian stood and stretched, before pulling Noel to his feet. They climbed the stairs to the spare room. Once inside Noel realised they'd never done this part. They'd only ever ended up sharing a bed after sex. It was oddly intimate and he felt suddenly shy.

"Thanks for tonight," he said, wanting to break the silence. "I had a really good time."

Julian smiled warmly at him. "Me too. It's nice, having you here."

"It's weird isn't it?" he said, sitting on the bed. "That it's not weird? I keep waiting for it to be weird but it just isn't."

"I guess we did this for nearly fifteen years," Julian said as he began moving about the room, getting ready for bed. "It's just like that, only I don't have to pretend not to be checking you out anymore."

"Were you pretending not to before? 'Cause you're a terrible actor if so."

"Well, I never pretended otherwise," Julian said. "It's amazing that we didn't know," his seemed a bit wistful, he stopped moving. "I wish-"

"Don't," Noel said, standing and walking over to him. "There's no point in wishing. It wasn't all bad - it was mostly amazing. Maybe we were always meant to do this now. It probably wouldn't have worked before and you wouldn't have the boys."

The tension seemed to drain out of Julian, his shoulders dropping. "Yeah," he said slowly. "Maybe you're right."

"Of course I am," Noel said, running a hand down his arm. "We should just concentrate on being happy now."

Julian looked a bit skeptical about that, which figured. Julian had never tried to just be happy in his life. "We're going to have to talk about at least some of it eventually."

He was right, of course. There was still so much left unsaid. "I know, but it doesn't have to be now. We can just have this for now." When Julian looked like he might argue, he kissed him softly. "Let's just have this right now?"

"Okay," Julian said, pulling him closer and into a hug. "Okay."

They stayed like that for a moment. "Do you think Julia's listening to everything on the other side of the wall?" he said eventually.

Julian pulled back. "That's it. We're never sleeping here again."

Noel laughed.

***

Julian knew he shouldn't feel like he was being called to the headmaster's office every time he visited his own manager, but formal business situations always made him feel as if he was ten again. It didn't help that he always felt like he might have done something wrong. Especially this time. He wanted to reach out and grab Noel's hand. There was a time when he would have. They often held hands in business meetings. Julian liked to think it unnerved the other people by showing they weren't part of their world. But it seemed a bit too on the nose to do it now. Instead he fidgeted with his jacket and the glass of water in front of him.

Noel was biting his thumb nail but otherwise seemed perfectly at home. He never seemed to notice the difference between any type of meeting, be it formal or party. It was why people always warmed to him. It was hard to dislike someone so at ease with himself.

Amanda smiled up at them as they entered her office. She'd been with them for years, managing them both together and separately. Julian liked her a lot. She was no nonsense and practical, but she seemed to balance that with a kindly air that an aunt might have. One that had never had kids but slipped you money for the movies when no one was looking. They sat down opposite her and didn't speak for a long moment.

It usually fell to Julian to lead these meetings. Noel didn't really enjoy the technical side of their job. He had a good head for business, but practical conversations bored him. Besides, because of how they looked most people turned to Julian first anyway.

"So," he said, already uncomfortable. He wanted to pull at his collar so he could breathe more easily. He forced himself not to move. "We err," he gestured to Noel. "We have some news."  
  
She was smiling indulgently at them. "You've decided not to do the movie."  
  
Julian paused, he hadn’t even considered what she might have thought they'd called the meeting for. "Oh," he said, "no, we're still doing it. We're nearly there with the outline."  
  
She frowned at them, probably confused by his odd reaction.

"But that's not why we're here," Noel cut in. He sounded a little breathless, excited almost, and it calmed Julian down knowing they were in it together.  
  
"We erm," Julian shifted. "I don't know how to-" he cut himself off and looked desperately at Noel.  
  
"We're kind of, we're like, together now," Noel said. His tone was casual, but Julian could sense the uncertainty under the words.  
  
Amanda, to her credit, only blinked at them for a few moments before realisation hit. She didn't even ask them to repeat themselves or confirm it. "Well," she leant back in her chair and looked at them for a long moment before smiling, "congratulations guys."  
  
"Thanks," Noel said easily, grinning like he genuinely appreciated the sentiment. Maybe he did.  
  
"But I assume you didn't just come to give me an update on your sex life." She gave them a hard look, already shifting to business. "Do you want to come out?" No beating about the bush then.

"No," Julian said, simply. Noel looked at him sharply, hurt written across his face. But it was the truth, he couldn't think of anything worse. He sighed heavily. "But I don't want to pretend not to be with Noel, either. I'm not going to lie about it. I want us to be able to tell people."  
  
Noel stared at him for a moment, before beaming and grabbing his hand firmly. "Yeah, I want to tell fucking everyone."  
  
Julian cringed. "Please don't." He leant forward. "I mean, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not answering questions about why or how or what we do. But I do want to be able to hold his hand when we're out."  
  
Amanda smiled at them. "Okay, I can work with that. Noel, it's going to fall on you if you want to do this soon. Bake Off is just around the corner and I'm going to need to talk to Channel 4 about it."  
  
Julian bristled. "Why? What's it got to do with them?"  
  
"Far apart from all the reasons that are clearly just going to piss you off if I go through now, even though I know you know what they are," she said, brisk but not unkind, "we're going to ruin their news cycle. It's polite to tell them."  
  
His stomach twisted unhappily. He knew it was going to be excruciating already.  
  
Noel nodded, his eyes wide and focused. "I can do it if you want," he said.  
  
She paused for a moment. "I think it's better that I do it," she said. Julian wondered if she expected trouble and was trying to protect Noel. That was often people's natural response, to look after him. Not that he needed it. Noel was a scrapper. Much harder than Julian at least, but people always seemed to want to look after him anyway. Not that he could blame them. He had the same impulse. It must be his childlike enthusiasm that people mistook for vulnerability.  
  
"And you're both sure?" She looked uncomfortable for the first time. "I mean, once we do this, there won't be any going back. It'll be the first thing that people see when they Google you."  
  
Julian rolled his eyes. Oddly that wasn't what kept him awake at night. He didn't care what people thought of him on a personal level. He couldn't believe that they thought of him at all. He cast an eye over to Noel, wondering what he thought.  
  
Noel grinned, flicking hair out of his eyes and looking back at him. "I can live with that. It's nice, us being linked like that."  
  
Julian tried to pretend relief didn't flood through him at Noel's words but the squeeze Noel gave his hand probably meant that he'd failed.  
  
"And you're also still making the film?" They'd come here for a business discussion, but it still made him uncomfortable to mix the two so casually.  
  
"Yeah," he said, "we'd like to." He wanted to ask if she thought it would still be possible but couldn't form the words.

"Look," she said, "I assume you're here for my advice and I want to be honest. It'd be easier to get it made if you wait to make anything official. The public interest is going to make it much higher profile and a lot more volatile to market and that’s before you start talking distribution." She folded her hands in front of her on the desk as she spoke. "But, there are other options. You could fly under the radar until it's out, start to trail the idea that maybe there’s more to this rekindling of the partnership than just the film during the promo, and then confirm it just before the DVD release.” She smiled at them, there wasn’t genuine humour in it, more a sort of wry amusement at the world they lived in. “It’s obviously cynical as hell, but that’s the path of least resistance. But, I’m not here to tell you how to live your lives, I'll do whatever you want. I just want to be sure you understand what the options are.”  
  
“You think we can get away with not saying anything until it’s out? We’re not even in pre-production yet,” Noel said.  
  
She shrugged. “That depends on how you want to play it. Are you planning to do a lot of snogging in public places?” She waved them off before either of them could answer. “I mean, if you move in together there’s a chance the tabloids will pick up on it, especially with Bake Off. But otherwise, if you’re just spending more time together, the speculation will be that there’s a movie coming, which there is, and creating a buzz around that is no bad thing.”  
  
“And if we just did it?” Julian asked. “How bad would it be?”  
  
“You mean what sort of attention would it receive?”  
  
He nodded, fidgeting with a loose bit of thread on his jacket and not quite meeting her eye.  
  
“Well,” she said, “depends on what else is going on obviously, but I’d expect at least a week of news on it. Plus, and I’m sorry,” she looked pained, “your exes are going to get approached. I assume you’re confident they won’t be giving interviews?”  
  
They both levelled her with a long stare that made her roll her eyes. “I have to ask, that’s literally my job,” she said. “But, assuming you’re right then we won’t see too much of an extension to the cycle. But, it’ll get dragged out every time you do anything.” She watched them impassively for a moment as her words sunk in. "Julian, we're going to need to let people know you're not with Julia as soon as possible. I want as much space between the two announcements as possible."

Julian appreciated that she didn't ask if they were still together.

"Yeah," Noel said, quietly looking intently at his lap. "That's probably a good idea - it's... it's the first thing Mike said when he found out."

Julian looked at him sharply, he hadn't talked about Mike's reaction to the news at all. Now he wondered if that was because it wasn't good. Noel wasn't looking at him, though and he didn't want to bring it up in front of Amanda.

"Okay," she said, "I assume a statement is out of the question?"

Julian had a moment to look utterly horrified before she rolled her eyes.

"Okay," she sighed. "I can set up an interview for one of you and arrange for it to be included as part of that. Might be worth mentioning in some oblique way that you're considering more Boosh too. That will help if you're seen together more often."

They'd have to tell the boys. Julian's heart sank but he nodded anyway. It was inevitable, but it still made him sad. He felt guilty for dragging the whole thing forward when it wasn't Julia's decision. "I'd need to speak to her to see what she wants to do."

Amanda nodded, jotting something down in a notebook.

Julian fidgeted again. "And the film? Would it - would it hurt it?"

She shrugged.

"I mean..." he started but she cut him off.

"Look,” she said, “there's a lot to consider here - too much for one meeting and we don’t need to make any decisions now. I should speak to the PR team. I can work with them to outline some timeframes and options. But ultimately it’s going to depend totally on where you want to go from there, on how big you actually want to keep your profiles.”  
  
Julian figured as much but hated the idea of that conversation. It was too big, too many factors needed to be considered at the same time. They nodded and murmured their thanks, their hands still tightly clasped.  
  
"I'm really happy for you both," she said, as she stood to walk them out of the office. She seemed to genuinely mean it.  
  
"I'm sorry for the hassle that's about to come your way," he felt compelled to say.  
  
She waved him off. "Are you kidding? I'm delighted. But don’t rush into anything and talk to me before you even think about doing anything else, okay?"  
  
Feeling only slightly like naughty school children, they agreed and trudged out of her office.  
  
“Well,” Noel said, letting out a breath. “That could have gone a lot worse.”  
  
Julian nodded, his mind already working through about a hundred scenarios that could unfold over the next few months.

“Hey,” Noel said, tugging him into a hug. “We don’t need to think about anything right now. She’s right, let’s just take our time and figure out what we want.”  
  
“I just want it to be done,” Julian sighed into his shoulder. “I don’t want to hide and be constantly afraid of what’s about to happen. But I don’t want to ruin the movie – or your chance on Bake Off.”  
  
Noel grinned at him. “You’re an idiot,” he said, affection clear in his voice, for reasons Julian couldn’t begin to understand. “Don’t worry about me, I don’t think I could be happier without exploding right now.”  
  
“Shut up, you berk,” he grumbled, but Noel just laughed.

***  
  
They ended up spending the rest of the day trying to figure out logistics for the film. They avoided talking about their meeting with Amanda for the most part. It was too big and bound up in the future of their relationship. On the drive home they'd agreed that waiting until the film at least had backing might be a good idea before they did anything else. Noel was slightly relieved at the thought they'd have have more time to figure everything out before having to think of a way to explain it to the general public. But he also felt pleased and a bit giddy at the show of commitment from Julian in talking to Amanda about it. It made him feel more settled to think Julian saw it as something they needed to even consider.

Besides, there was still so much they'd needed to do with the film, including getting the script finished. So they spent some time sketching out an idea of production dates which they'd need if they wanted to shop the film around anyway.

There was also still one big question.  
  
"Should I call Rich?" Noel said, pushing his chair back from his kitchen table and stretching. "We need to have the guys on board before we start shopping this around, just in case it gets out. Plus that's the first thing investors will want to know."  
  
Julian shrugged. "Yeah, okay, it's worth finding out if he has anything planned over the next couple of years, I guess."  
  
Rich was always working, but Noel knew how much he loved the Boosh. He'd move things around if it meant getting to work with them. He'd go over to America and pack him into a suitcase and bring him home if he had to.  
  
He waited until Julian had popped home for a shower and change before calling him.  
  
"Little Noely!" Rich always sounded pleased to hear from him. He was always happy to hear from anyone. That was his magic: making people feel special and loved.  
  
"Alright Fulcher?" He was already grinning.  
  
"My little prince, I thought you'd forgotten about me." It must be late where he was, but if Noel was disturbing him, he gave no indication of it.  
  
"Never," he said. "Hey, what you got on next year?" No point in beating about the bush. If you didn't dive right in with Rich you ended up distracted by some weird joke for an hour and you never got around to talking about why you'd called.  
  
"Why?" Rich said, affecting a British accent. It was terrible, but it still made Noel laugh. "What do you have planned, my dear man?"  
  
"Well," he said, "would you fancy being in a Boosh movie?" He didn't bother with the normal qualifiers. Rich knew them well enough.  
  
"Say whaaaaaaaaaaat?" Rich shrieked. "Am I gonna be a star?"  
  
Noel chuckled. "More like you'll be playing some lettuce. Off screen."  
  
"I'll marry the cucumbers. I can be a tiny lettuce wife." There was an unusual pause on the end of the line. "Is Dad coming home?"  
  
Something twisted in his stomach. "Yeah, he and mummy are very happy." He meant it to sound a bit more upbeat and less wistful than it came out.  
  
"That's good," Rich said, sounding like he actually meant it. He'd seen the fallout close up and had been caught in the cross fire more than once, he supposed, he knew better than anyone how bad it had been.  
  
He and Rich had spent more and more time together as the Boosh went on. Rich was not the sort of person who said no to things. Whereas by the end it was all Julian seemed to say. So it was the two of them that went out after shows, who travelled in the tour bus while Julian drove, who met the fans after gigs. Rich never seemed bored of it. And he filled the hole at his side where Julian should have been. He wondered if Rich knew at the time that he was being used as some sort of Julian replacement. He never questioned it, if he did. It was also Rich who Noel used as a sounding board when he was frustrated with Julian.  
  
Rich didn’t block you. He never told you that you shouldn't feel a certain way or to react to something differently. At the time, Noel took it as silent agreement that he was right and Julian was wrong. But looking back it probably wasn't that clear cut. Rich didn't take sides; he'd happily hung out with Julian in his dressing room before shows or went to lunch with him, Julia and the kids too. He didn't seem to judge either one of them for what happened. And afterwards, it was Rich that had gone to see Julian. Mike and Dave seemed to tactically agree to give him a bit of wide berth but Rich would casually mention visiting him at home. Noel felt retrospectively embarrassed for all the things he'd said at the end. He wondered what Rich thought of them.  
  
"Was I a total prat?" he asked suddenly, unable to keep it in. "Did I ruin everything?"  
  
Rich was silent - Noel couldn't remember that ever happening before. "No," he said eventually. "No, you both ruined each other."  
  
"We're trying to fix it," he said, feeling a bit sad and guilty. "We'll make it fun for everyone this time."  
  
"Right sir," he said. "No 'nam flashbacks?"  
  
"I told him," he said by way of an answer. "About everything. And..." he trailed off still unable to voice it.  
  
"Are you two going to make a baby?" Rich asked, his voice was babyish but Noel could hear that he was smiling.  
  
"Well, we're certainly trying pretty hard at it," he said, feeling a bit smug and then embarrassed for feeling smug.  
  
"Can I be its second baby-mamma?" He sounded genuinely enthralled with the idea.  
  
"No way," Noel said. "You can maybe be a sort of wet nurse but nothing more."  
  
"I will feed it so sweetly from my teat, little Noel." Rich was warming to the idea. He was about to go into a joke that might last for an hour or more. Noel sat back in his chair and grinned. Rich was so easy to be with. He took everything you said as read. There was never any second-guessing.  
  
“Noely,” Rich crooned later, as they began to get ready to end the call, “you’ll let me know when it’s happening?”  
  
Noel laughed. “Alright, no need to be so needy about it, Rich. We’ll call you when we’ve actually got some way of paying you.”  
  
“Good, because I’m not doing another gig for you guys for just sexual favours. I’m a respectable man now.”  
  
“Ha!” The laugh punched right out of him. “As if; you’d do anything for a bit of bumming and you know it.”  
  
Rich cackled. “Not sure Julian’s going to let that happen now,” he said, sounding thrilled.  
  
Noel’s stomach flipped. It was the first time someone had referred to him and Julian so casually. It felt good. He was smiling widely when he answered. “Yeah, he can get pretty protective.”  
  
“Yeah, remember that guy who tried to feel you up at that bar? I thought Julian was going to end up arrested that night,” Rich said, laughing. “I was getting ready to have to jump in and bottle some bitches.”  
  
Noel had forgotten about that night. He’d never seen Julian that angry before. The guy had been a total dick, but the look on Julian’s face had actually been a bit scary. He shook his head, even though Rich couldn’t see him. “Yeah,” he said softly. “You’d have been no help in that fight.”  
  
“I would have tackled them to the ground and sat on them until help came,” Rich said defiantly.  
  
“Yeah, that might have worked actually,” Noel agreed. “I’d have just pinched him really hard on the nipple until he cried.”  
  
They were getting distracted again. It was hard keeping a handle on conversations with Rich sometimes. “Alright mate,” he said. “We’ll call when we have more information. I was hoping to film next summer or something. But I’ll let you know.”  
  
“Alright Noely, call me!” he squealed before hanging up.  
  
Noel sat feeling happy and content for a few moments before getting up to start making something to eat.  
  
"I called Rich," he said, leaning into Julian's space, when he arrived later that night.

"I know," Julian said, pressing back against him. "He called me and screamed for about five minutes about raising our child."  
  
Noel laughed. That was classic Rich. From someone else he would have assumed they were checking up on his story. But he knew Rich was genuinely just excited and wanted to share it. “I think he was happy for us,” he said.  
  
“He asked me if he could give you away at the wedding,” Julian said, dropping a kiss onto Noel’s head and tugging him into the living room and onto the sofa.  
  
Noel felt a thrill run through his entire body at the word. “He brought up that guy you nearly decked at the pub that one night for feeling me up, remember that?” he said, wanting to change the subject in case he said something embarrassing.  
  
Julian stilled for a moment. “That guy was a total prick.” His voice was hard, apparently still angry about it fifteen years later.  
  
Noel grinned up at him. “Sometimes it’s amazing to me that we didn’t know how we felt about each other,” he said slowly. “You were literally fighting guys for my honour and I was still pining over you like a love sick teenager.”  
  
Julian laughed, his breathy, almost Muttley laugh. Noel loved that laugh. “He groped you without permission and then said you had it coming,” Julian said. “I’d have hit him for doing that to anyone.” He paused before looking a bit embarrassed. “But, I guess, I did feel a bit... I don’t know... not jealous exactly, but I remember thinking it was unfair that someone could just come up to you and try it on without having to worry about anything. I guess... I was always... I don’t know,” he looked frustrated about not finding the words. Noel just stared up at him, fascinated. It posed so many questions that he didn’t know where to start. “I’d sometimes wish we’d just done that or something. I don’t regret the Boosh, but I did sometimes wish I could have a had a simpler relationship with you. You know?”  
  
Noel swallowed heavily. “Yeah, I thought about that all the time. Especially when Matt was around. I hated that you had had that with someone and I couldn’t ever...” he shook his head. “It felt totally fucked up sometimes. All that kissing on stage and that. Who did we think we were kidding exactly?”  
  
Julian looked a bit mortified at the question. “I don’t know,” he said. “Only ourselves, apparently.”  
  
Noel didn’t like thinking about it really. He knew well enough that they’d sailed close to the wind when it came to their shows. He wasn’t sure what possessed them to write the pie play. Or why it devolved into five minutes of him screeching at Julian to just say that he loved him and Julian shouting back that he brought him a pie to show him his love.

^^^^  
  
The others always seemed a little uncomfortable about that section. After a particularly weird night, where it had gone longer than the laughs, Dave had tried to bring it up.  
  
“I’m just...” he said, running a hand over his neck and looking embarrassed. “I’m not sure that it’s funny...”  
  
“It’s insistence humour,” Julian said firmly. “You just keep going until they’re forced to laugh. It’s meant to be uncomfortable. That’s the point.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said, but he felt weird talking about it. He knew they were doing the play in front a lot people, but someone bringing it up felt like a breach of social code. “I think it’s funny,” he said, trying to stop himself from squirming. “People were laughing.”  
  
Dave never liked disagreeing with both of them. He shrugged. “Up to you,” he said, “it’s just a bit...” he trailed off and looked a bit uncomfortable. They were getting too close to something and Dave clearly didn’t have the heart to actually go there, so he retreated. “We heading to the pub after?”  
  
They let it go, but the next few nights they toned it down. Sometimes it felt like they were pushing on the boundaries of what was socially expectable, what they could get away with, before someone properly challenged them on it. But, they’d always back down if it felt like that might actually happen. It was a very delicate balance.  
  
^^^^

Noel pulled Julian closer to him, shaking his head. “I’m glad we’re not doing that now.” He looked up at Julian and smiled. “I know that it’s going to be hard when everyone knows, but I’m glad I don’t have to pretend not to be in love with you anymore. It was bloody exhausting for one thing.”  
  
Julian laughed again. “Me too,” he kissed him softly. “This is way better.”  
  
***

They managed to finish a first draft of the script before they headed off to start filming. It was a surreal experience, writing together. He'd worried the first day that maybe they wouldn't be funny anymore, that maybe with the tension gone, they'd just sit there in stony silence. And they did. For about thirty seconds until Noel said something to make him laugh. After that it was amazing. If anything he felt freer to make jokes and come up with ideas. Plus they could take breaks to have sex now which was way better than the normal breaks to make calls and pretend not to stare at each other.  
  
Julian sent off the script to Steve first, feeling both obligated and knowing that he knew people with actual money.  
  
He called two days later. "Well fuck me with a feather," he said by way of greeting. "It's actually good."  
  
Julian laughed. "Your surprise fills me with both pleasure and confidence," he said.  
  
Steve laughed uproariously. "I'm delighted to see you still have it in you both. And you're still speaking? You still want to actually make it?"  
  
Julian grinned, feeling a secret thrill at knowing something Steve didn't. "Yep. All good. It was nice, actually, we had a good time. And we've spoken to the others too and they're all in, if we can get some backing for it."  
  
"With a script like this, I'm pretty confident." Steve paused. "Guess that means we ought to start talking via our people so you can rinse me for all my money."  
  
"Or the other way around," Julian said, feeling lighter now someone else was so confident about the script. He'd felt good as they sent it off, but there had been a niggling at the back of his mind that maybe it was just the glow of new love making it seem better than it was. But Steve would say if that were the case and he wouldn't be so keen to move forward and lock them in.  
  
"When you thinking of filming?" he asked after a moment.  
  
"Next year? We weren't sure how long preproduction would take." They'd only briefly discussed it but they agreed to move as quickly as possible. It made practical sense. Especially if they were waiting to come out until after the movie and because now they'd started, they were both excited to get on and make it. Noel was painting ideas for props and characters already and Julian could barely put down his guitar. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so enthused with an idea.  
  
"Good," Steve said. "Makes it easier if we can just crack on and gives you less chance to fall out again."  
  
Julian pulled a face even though Steve couldn't see it. "We're not going to fall out," he said, unable to keep the words in. "We're in a really good place. It's nothing like last time."  
  
"If you say so," Steve's tone was completely neutral but Julian could sense he was skeptical. That was fine. He'd just get another shock when he saw them together. He toyed with telling him now, but he wasn't sure how it would affect the film and he didn't want to jeopardise it. Besides, maybe he should check with Noel before he just announced it. "Do I get to be in it this time?"  
  
"Absolutely not," Julian said firmly. "There's only room for so many ageing comedians before the whole thing collapses."  
  
Steve laughed again. "Fine, but why not ditch Fielding? He's only holding you back," Steve said, his tone teasing.  
  
"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, "I'm not sure you'd look as good in the outfits if I'm honest; we need the eye candy or only overgrown men children will show up and that's a smaller audience than I was hoping for."  
  
"You are truly whipped," Steve sighed. "Fine, whatever, I have better things to do than beg for bit parts in your two-bit movie."  
  
Julian resisted the urge to point out that he clearly didn't and hung up instead. He put his phone down on his desk and let out a breath. It was going to happen.  
  
He tried to keep a lid on the excitement in the pit of his stomach, but it was hard. It was the hope that killed you. He knew that but he couldn't help but think it might actually happen. It was only twenty years later but he was actually going to make a film with Noel. He needed to get to work sorting out some sort of schedule and budget.  
  
He'd learnt over the years to let go of some of the detail - it simply wasn't possible for them to do literally everything, but that didn't mean he didn't want to. He liked knowing how everything was going and that it wasn't all suddenly going to collapse around his ears if he didn't hold onto it as tightly as possible.  
  
He sat down and opened his laptop.

***  
  
"Nah," Julian said, his voice confident and sure, "I can sort all of that before you're back. It's fine."  
  
"Are you sure?" Noel asked. It wasn't like he knew how to create a budget for a movie or get a production schedule together but he felt awkward and guilty about leaving it to Julian too.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure," Julian said. "Besides, you need to concentrate on what you're doing. Eating cake and winding people up sounds like your dream job and I don't want you to mess that up because you're trying to be in two places at once."  
  
Noel felt a sappy smile spread over his face. "You're a romantic, really, aren't you?" he said in the end.  
  
"I basically invented it," Julian confirmed. "And nothing says romance like doing someone's spreadsheets for them."  
  
"I like it when you talk dirty," Noel said, trying to suppress a giggle.  
  
"I bet you do. But I've got work to do, leave me alone." He could hear that he was smiling.  
  
"Love ya, big man," he said.  
  
"You too, you little freak."  
  
Noel grinned at his phone for a moment before trying to pull himself together. He stopped and replayed the conversation, checking it over to see if Julian had really minded about picking up the slack. He somehow doubted it, even though Julian had a habit of throwing it back in his face when he got grumpy.  
  
Julian was a control freak - they both were - but Julian especially liked to extend what he controlled as far as humanly possible. He'd nearly killed himself editing the radio show by himself. It hadn't occurred to him that he didn't know how to do an edit. Or that it would take weeks. He was too sure that only he would know best how to keep the essential essence of the show while making it an actual product that people might listen to. He was right, but that didn't mean it wasn't also stupid. Noel had consistently felt awed by Julian and his seemingly endless list of talents. He still was, truth be told. Julian never let himself have an easy way out. He expected only the very best and beat himself raw when he couldn't live up to his own standards.  
  
Noel hadn't noticed those downsides at first. He'd mostly felt young and scared that he wasn't contributing enough. It had balanced out eventually but it was still hard not to slip back into those feelings.  
  
People generally seemed to like Noel when they met him and he worked hard to make sure that was the case. He genuinely loved meeting new people and never really found it hard to strike up conversation. It meant he could usually form pretty good working relationships with people. But he found it hard to get projects off the ground; there always seemed to be a hurdle around the formalities. It was different when him and Julian worked together. People liked him but they wanted to impress Julian.  
  
You could always tell when he'd entered the meeting because people would immediately pay closer attention. Julian never seemed to notice it, but people naturally wanted to hold his attention and get his approval. He wanted the opposite most of the time, which only seemed to make people work harder. This especially seemed to apply to people with power.  
  
That meant Julian was good to have around if you wanted money signing off or something to actually get green lit. It then usually fell to Noel to keep everyone happy. Once it became clear that Julian was probably never going to give them the acceptance they were after, Noel would swoop in to offer it freely - and tacitly apologise for any offence that may have been caused. It worked well. They worked well. But it meant in the early days Noel had felt a bit useless. It was Julian that seemed to be getting them jobs. Getting them on TV or meeting promoters and agreeing to organise a club night at The Hen and Chickens.  
  
Noel would scrabble around trying to find ways to contribute and inevitably ended up playing mum. Or perhaps wife, if he were being totally honest - perhaps that's why he invited Mike into their third show, to finish off the little family they were creating. It worked well because, as Noel learned quickly their first year at Edinburgh, Julian was a disaster at home. It wasn't that he was lazy exactly. More that he didn't seem to notice they didn't have any food or that his clothes were all dirty. Noel found himself doing the shopping and laundry. It didn't bother him. He liked doing things for other people and it gave him something to do when he got nervous.  
  
But it wasn't without its problems. Noel was often left feeling like Julian resented his efforts rather than appreciating them. He felt those moments keenly, perhaps because some part of him knew he was trying to overstep the boundaries of their relationship while hoping Julian wouldn't notice. Or that he would notice and actually like it. 

^^^^

It had come to a head just before Auto Boosh opened in Edinburgh. The first show was less than a week away and Julian had slowly started to work himself up into a frenzy about it. Noel couldn’t quite understand what his problem was; he’d been prepared for Julian to go nuts before they opened in Melbourne but then they’d won the Barry Award and he’d expected him to calm down. But if anything, that just seemed to make him worse.

That Julian was a neurotic freak wasn’t exactly a surprise, even early on, but the levels he could work himself up to about what they were creating was truly something to behold. Mike, who was experiencing it for the first time at close range, had started out incredulous but quickly (and wisely) moved to being out of the flat as often as possible.

Five Edinburgh’s in, Noel thought he’d seen Julian at his worst. After all, surely nothing could be worse than opening their first show together at The Fringe, unsure if it would even work, if they’d be booed off the stage or every joke would land to deathly quiet reception. But none of that happened. They’d won the Perrier Award, they’d been nominated the next year and _this_ show was already award-winning. _Surely,_ this time would be easier, they had a following and people - for the most part - seemed to get what they were doing. They expanded the cast and worked night and day on it - Julian had nearly _died_ while making it. It would be better than last time.

It turned out to be much, much worse.

Where previously Julian had gone silent and moody, this year he added a new layer of sniping at everything and everyone, that Noel simply wasn’t prepared for. They’d bickered plenty in the past. A sort of affectionate piss-taking - or flirting, as Dave insisted on calling it - was part of their ‘thing’. But as the show got closer, the jabs changed. They got shaper, closer to the belt.

It wasn’t like Noel felt exactly calm either; his anxiety hadn’t been so bad since he and Julian started performing together, sharing a stage made everything much easier. Besides, he spent most of his time so worried about Julian that he barely remembered to be afraid for himself. But the pressure was still getting to him too - it was hard not to feel it. For all that it had been years now… it had been _years._ Years of producers and their managers talking excitedly about TV shows had come to exactly nothing. All their work - day after day - hadn’t actually seemed to get them further along than the year before.

Julian said it was like they were in some surreal hamster wheel, running around and around waiting for treats that never came. This year would be different though. Noel was determined it would be. They’d worked so hard, they’d _networked_ and there were producers coming to see the new - award-winning - show. They’d decided to make some changes ahead of its Edinburgh opening. It was a ridiculous idea, really. Dave and Mike had said as much, but they’d ignored them. Everything had to be perfect. It was going to be perfect.

Even if it killed them.

There was also the added pressure that now everyone seemed to know who they were. They were expecting something from them, both the public and critics; everywhere they went “Last Year’s Perrier Runners-Up” seemed to follow them like dead weight.

The show was looking good, though. They both thought so; or at least they repeated it to each other often enough, as though trying to make the words stick. But it didn’t really seem to help. Julian continued to sink into his own head, second-guessing everything they’d done, while Noel tried desperately to pretend everything was fine. But it didn’t help, Julian just started to pick at the designs, which he’d never done before. Noel felt sick with worry but wasn’t sure how to approach a discussion about it.

The week before the first show was almost unbearable. They'd been sniping at each other all week as the tension ratcheted up, but kept side-stepping an actual full-blown argument at the last moment, one or other of them agreeing to take the blame or making a joke to lighten the mood.  
  
But it was always going to boil over. Noel had seen the signs, even if he didn’t want to admit it. They didn’t properly argue all that often, but Noel was prone to blowing up when things got too much and Julian wasn’t much better. Their arguments tended to be short explosions of angry words followed swiftly by somewhat awkward make-ups, but neither of them seemed to want to go there with everything else that was going on.

It was his fault, in the end. It usually fell to him to break the tension between them one way or another. Julian seemed happy to just bask in the awfulness, like he was enjoying the feeling or something. Noel had done a load of washing, wanting to take his mind off everything before dress-rehearsals, and hoping to keep out of Julian’s way for awhile. But, when he pulled it out, Julian’s favourite shirt had emerged shrunken and discoloured. He stared at it for a long moment, horror trickling up his spine.

He waited for an hour before he built up the courage to show Julian. But he’d just scowled when he handed over the offending shirt with an apology and guilty expression. Julian’s little eyes had almost disappeared as he assessed the damage, his jaw tightened as Noel held himself still, waiting for the explosion. But, it didn’t come. Julian just stomped away into his room and closed the door. It wasn’t a slam, but it was hard enough to _suggest_ a slam. Noel let out a breath, slightly amazed that they’d avoided a fight.

Only they hadn’t avoided a fight.

The next day Julian was almost unbearable from the start. Everything Noel did or said was met with either stony silence or a snapped response. He lasted until about 10 before he started returning the favour, telling Julian he could stick his tea up his arse if he didn’t like it and make his own.

Lee snorted in laughter. “And that, my friends,” he said, “is why I work alone.”

Julian had given them both an unreadable look before standing and grabbing their things. “You coming?” he asked, his voice slightly less hard than before.

Noel nodded and followed him out of the house and to the theatre, where the others were already waiting, trying not to let the sense of doom he felt overwhelm him.

The rehearsal was terrible. Their timing, chemistry, _everything_ was off. Julian sighed and huffed as Dave dropped things and Mike forgot to come in on cue, even Rich seemed lacklustre in his delivery. Noel could feel panic start to claw at his throat, as they packed away, the silence hanging heavy between them. The others left swiftly, not that Noel could blame them, leaving Julian and Noel to finish clearing up.

“My costume is fucking shit,” Julian snapped out suddenly, throwing the plastic bag he’d slung his costume in into his rucksack.

“It’s fine,” Noel said, shortly, feeling oddly offended. He’d found that shirt for Julian in a charity shop next to their flat. He looked good in it.

“Fine what you’re aiming to achieve with this, is it?” Julian asked, getting to his feet and starting to walk away. “Sounds about right.”

“No,” Noel sighed, “obviously not.” He grabbed the last of his things, stuffing them into his bag quickly, so he could catch up.

“Funny way of showing it,” he breathed, in a way that suggested he was pretending to lower his voice so Noel wouldn’t hear. It made his hands ball into tight fists.

“What’s that mean?” Noel asked, as they reached the foyer, not wanting to let him get away with that sort of passive aggressive nonsense.

Julian glanced at him. “‘Fine’ is about all you’re interested in, it seems,” he said slowly, like he wanted to make sure Noel caught every word this time. “Which is a real pity, given our careers are riding on what happens tomorrow.”

“Don’t be a prick,” he tried, hoping that would be enough to ward him off. Noel knew, objectively, that he was just freaked out. So freaked out that he was being ridiculous - their careers didn’t ride on anything, let alone a single performance. But, he had to admit, after years of not managing to achieve very much, it certainly _felt_ like it did.

“I’m a prick,” Julian sighed, like Noel was an inconvenient irritant. He walked out of the door, letting it swing back and nearly hit Noel as he tried to get through it, as though trying to prove his point.

“Today you are,” Noel huffed. The noise of Pleasance Courtyard wasn’t quite enough to swallow the words. “For a change.”

Julian turned around to glare at him. “Well, perhaps if you were pulling your weight, I wouldn’t have to be prick.”

“Pulling my weight?” Noel hissed. “I was up until two making fucking props, you utter tit.”

“Which you wouldn’t have had to do if you’d not been fannying about before.” Julian’s teeth were gritted as he spoke, his face pulled tight. “If you just paid attention, maybe you wouldn’t have ruined half my clothes and your own costume.”

Noel wanted to scream. The fucking shirt. It was _one_ shirt and then something he’d half been thinking of wearing for _one_ scene. That was it. It didn’t have any real impact on the show. It was certainly had nothing to do with why he was still remaking props at all hours of the day and night. Julian knew that. “Are you kidding me?” he burst out. “Just let it go; it was a fucking ugly shirt anyway.”

Julian took a step closer to him but Noel refused to step back. "I liked that shirt! I know when it's not about you, you think it doesn't matter but if you could just think for once-"  
  
"Calm down," he said, trying not to let his frustration get the better of him. "It was one little mistake."  
  
"I don't understand how you don't even know how to do the washing." He crossed his arms over his chest, as though thrilled to have landed this particular blow to Noel's pride.  
  
"I do know how to do the washing," Noel snapped back, aware that people around them were starting to notice their argument. He considered lowering his voice, or trying to defuse the situation, but he didn’t want to. He could feel his face starting to heat with anger.  
  
"Well, you obviously don't," Julian huffed.

"I do know how to do the washing; I've been doing it for months!" Some part of him was dimly aware that this was a petty and stupid argument and the people watching them could hear every word. But the rest of him was too annoyed to care.  
  
"You don't! It's another thing we can add to the list of 'things Noel can't be trusted to do on his own'!" Julian's voice had taken on a condescending note. "Along with driving or reading a map or knowing how to be on time."  
  
Noel took a step forward, feeling furious. "Are you kidding me? I did your fucking washing for you because you're a child that can't do it yourself and you didn't even thank me!" He shouldn't have shouted. Julian seemed to take it as a challenge.  
  
"I didn't ask you to!" His voice was high-pitched and furious.  
  
“No! Because you're too bloody important to do any chores at all! You'd rather swan around pretending to do work and looking moody!” He felt a stab of vindictive pleasure when Julian’s face flushed.  
  
“At least I'm not incompetent at even the most basic of tasks!” He took another step toward him but Noel held his ground, meaning they were nearly nose to nose and Noel had to crane his head to look up at him. It was going to take more than being loomed at to intimate him and get him to back down.  
  
“I know how to do the washing!” He gestured at Julian angrily, knocking into a stand of fliers as he did. “I'm not the one who apparently isn't capable of working a Hoover or picking up their shit!”  
  
“I never asked you to do any of that!” He looked moments away from stamping his foot. The people around them had given up pretending not to listen and were gaping at them openly. “But if I can't trust you to do even the simplest of tasks then this whole fucking thing is doomed.”  
  
“You're being ridiculous!” Noel shouted back. It wasn't like he didn't know what Julian had been getting at, but it stung to hear it confirmed. “If you weren't so fucking high and mighty you might notice all the things I'm doing for you and actually thank me instead of being a ginormous prick!”  
  
"You're not my fucking wife, Noel, so stop acting like it." Julian hissed the words, looking more furious than Noel had ever seen him.  
  
Noel reeled back like he'd been slapped. It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. But the thing was, he had liked it. He'd liked the idea that he was looking after Julian in some small way. It made him feel connected to him and to have it thrown back in his face made him feel small and embarrassed. And furious.  
  
There were so many conflicting emotions and things he wanted to say but they were too tightly packed in his chest for him to pick one. But there was one overriding emotion that he was sure of.  
  
"I'm so angry," he shouted, and did the only thing he could think of and reached out to grab the nearest stack of fliers and threw them as hard as he could towards Julian. They hit him square in the face and rained down like oversized confetti.  
  
Julian blinked at him, his face shocked before it morphed back into fury. Noel didn't wait to hear what was going to come next, he pushed by him roughly and into the crowd of bemused onlookers. He heard a smattering of applause following him, along with seemingly hundreds of eyes, as he stormed out of the courtyard but he didn’t look back.  
  
It wasn't as satisfying as he hoped it would be. He was only a few steps away before he remembered there was never anything remotely satisfying about walking away from Julian.

He walked around Edinburgh feeling sour and sad for a few hours. They’d hardly ever argued like that before and had never really crossed the line into saying things genuinely aimed at hurting the other. It made his chest tight with fear and upset. He still felt furious, an almost entirely new emotion for him when it came to Julian and that itself was making him feel even worse. Were they going to break up? They had all their shows booked, surely they couldn’t just cancel them. But maybe Julian wouldn’t want to be near him ever again.

He couldn’t believe he’d got so mad, throwing things wasn’t exactly a new move for him when he was angry, but it was a side Julian hadn’t seen before. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he wanted nothing to do with Noel after that. He’d probably only been working with him because Noel was usually so easy going. What was he actually bringing to this, really, if not a balance to Julian’s darker tendencies? Julian was still more famous, and the fact he was still working with Tim hadn’t escaped Noel’s attention. He was clearly hedging his bets.

He ended up in a pub, and given it was Festival season, found a group of other comics already there and half cut. He joined them and pretended not to be thinking about Julian.  
  
It didn't help that people kept asking about him the whole time. "We're not joined at the bloody hip," he snapped in the end.  
  
"Trouble in paradise?" Lee said; he'd turned up about an hour after Noel and had immediately asked where Julian was. "I heard about your little lovers’ tiff, earlier. Apparently so did half of Edinburgh.” Noel felt his face heat but he plastered a grin on his face and looked at his shoes. Lee laughed at him, as he hoped he would. “Go and make up with him, would you? He'll be unbearable otherwise."  
  
"I'm not making up with him," Noel said, trying to sound unaffected but he suspected he might just sound petulant. "He's being a right dickhead today."  
  
Lee rolled his eyes. "As if you're not going to be crying into each other's arms by midnight and whispering sweet nothings by one," he said with a grin but there was a long suffering note to his voice that Noel felt vaguely offended by.  
  
He chose not to respond because whatever he said was only going to make it worse. Instead he turned and ordered another drink and continued to pretend not to care whether Julian was even alive. In reality his head snapped up to the door every time it opened, half expecting to see him. He gave up around 11:30, feeling drunk and unhappy. He just wanted to go back to the flat and curl up in a ball and pretend the day hadn't happened.  
  
He started down the street, head down, and was so intent on getting back to the flat as quickly as possible, didn't notice someone coming toward him. They nearly collided and he stumbled before righting himself. When he looked up to apologise, he froze.  
  
"Julian," he breathed.  
  
Julian shifted, looking a bit startled himself. "I was just coming to find you," he said. He looked pale in the street light, his eyes big and scared looking. "I..." he started and then stopped, his jaw tensing and relaxing. Noel watched it, fascinated. He'd never seen Julian look so nervous. "I'm sorry about what I said," he said eventually, his voice wavered and he clenched his jaw hard, as though biting down on an emotion, but his eyes were shining like he might be about to cry.

Noel had been working himself up to confront Julian. To really let him have it. But seeing him look so sad and worried he couldn't do it. He never had it in him to not give Julian what he wanted. It didn't seem to be in his DNA. "Oh," he said, throwing his arms around him and burying his face in his neck, feeling tears starting to prick at his own eyes. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry about your shirt and what I said. I didn't mean it."  
  
Julian pulled him close and Noel felt safe and so relieved that his knees felt a bit weak. He held tight, wondering when Julian was going to pull back but he didn't seem to be moving. Noel sniffed, feeling open and raw.  
  
"I'm sorry, little man," Julian whispered, sniffing as he tightened his arms around him. "I know I'm a prick sometimes. I don't mean to be - you're so... I couldn't do this without you."  
  
Noel pulled back to look at him. He felt so overcome that he couldn't think of a single thing to say. He studied his face for a moment before smiling gently. Julian had a tiny paper cut on his cheek.  
  
"I'm sorry I threw leaflets at you," Noel said, running a finger across the little imperfection.  
  
“Yeah,” he said, his eyes still a bit wet looking, “I deserved it.”

Julian pulled him into another hug and they stayed there for a few minutes.  
  
"Ah," a voice said behind them, "right on time."  
  
They pulled back to see Lee and few others from the bar standing behind them. Noel blushed furiously and buried his face into Julian's chest. Julian ran his hand over the back of Noel's head, keeping it pressed against his chest, while he told Lee to fuck off and leave them alone. They did, making kissing noises as they left.  
  
They’d giggled and made jokes when their fight had ended up in The List, teasing Lee about his frustration that their chemistry was getting even their bust-ups more attention than his entire show. But Noel had been left a bit giddy and confused by the whole thing, by the passion and intensity of it. He’d never been like that with anyone, not even girlfriends. They hadn't talked about it after that night, there was too much going on. But he'd known from then that him and Julian weren't really normal.

^^^^  
  
It had been like that ever since. No one could make him as furious and confused as Julian. But no one else made him feel so safe and calm, either, especially when they were the cause of his turmoil. It didn't seem to matter how long they were together, the intensity never seemed to fade. He'd given up hoping that it would. It was what made them special and he didn't want to change it.  
  
***  
  
Bloody interviews. He felt sure he was getting better at them and then he'd be in the middle of one and suddenly he'd seize up. He was never sure what was actually going to set him off. He never saw it coming but it sometimes felt like that was the point; journalists wanted him angry or upset because that way he might say something unguarded. Or maybe he was just over sensitive and paranoid.

"Flowers was amazing, but it tackled very difficult subject matter. Not usually something you'd think was a natural fit for comedy."  
  
Julian hated it when they did that. It wasn't a question and so he was never really sure what they wanted in response. Was he supposed to agree? Was he supposed to launch into a monologue about the intricacies of writing comedy? Should he make a joke? He had no idea. But if he waited too long to answer they'd move on to something else, occasionally noting that he'd not answered the question in the final article.  
  
They’d met in a cafe near his house, Amanda saying that he might at least turn up on time if he didn’t need to walk more than fifteen minutes to get there. It was for The Guardian who, while they hadn’t always been kind, had at least followed most of his career and didn’t make him feel dirty after speaking to them. He got there early, hoping he’d feel more relaxed if he could settle before the journalist arrived, but he was already there, waving to him and offering to get him a drink. He asked for a black coffee and wondered if his choice of beverage would end up in the article with some sort of pop-psychology about what it meant. He sat at the table and tried not to fidget while he was asked intrusive questions that he didn’t know how to answer.  
  
The guy was perfectly nice; Amanda had made sure to set him up with someone pleasant and unassuming. Plus he'd actually done his research and seemed genuinely interested in him and his work. But it was hard. Especially now that he had to get his "messaging" in. Amanda had fed him a line about being single and house hunting. Apparently the journalist had been briefed not to probe into anything about his personal life but it made Julian anxious, constantly trying to figure out if he ought to drop in the comment after every non-question.  
  
"Well," he said, wanting some time to think of an answer. "I've always been drawn to that sort of humour. It's a bit more interesting in some ways. I like it when there's something else going on under the joke."  
  
The journalist nodded as though that made sense. "Do you find the humour in lots of surprising situations?"

There was probably a cue in there for him to launch into a hilarious anecdote about something but he couldn't think of a single thing to say. He shrugged. "Not really. I'm usually far too uncomfortable to notice anything like that..." he trailed off, trying to think. The journalist laughed which threw him off track. "I guess I sometimes use those moments when I write. Or something like it..." he trailed off again. "It's more like when I look back, I can see that I was funny... or my reaction was. There was something under the situation that was interesting – usually it’s unspoken or absurd. I guess that's why Noel and I started writing together. We have a thing for odd imagery as being funny. More jolting people into a laugh, rather than..." he shrugged, not wanting it to sound like he was slagging off anyone else.  
  
The journalist looked delighted for some reason. He leant forward and fixed Julian was a smile. "You worked together for a long time. Was it hard, transitioning away from that?"  
  
He felt suddenly exposed, wondering if something had shown in his face to open up that line of enquiry. He never liked talking about his partners. It made him feel like he was betraying something of them as well of himself. He shifted, eyes darting around the room trying to settle on something that wasn't the person staring so fixedly at him across the table. "I don't know that we ever did," he said in the end, remembering he needed to talk about it. "We sort of... we created each other," he half smiled, remembering what Noel had said in the cottage and feeling a bubble of happiness. He cleared his throat. "I don't think you can just... we've always thought we'd work together again. It's just," he swallowed, not sure where he was even going with that line of thought. "You can't walk away from it, but we needed a break."  
  
He needed a break, he meant. But maybe Noel had too, even if he'd have never admitted it out loud.  
  
The journalist nodded again. Julian suddenly realised he didn't know his name. Andrew? Owen? "It must have been an intense relationship. You shared your whole lives for a long time. A bit like a marriage."  
  
Julian physically recoiled, his body wanting to get him as far away from the question as possible. He tried to cover his reaction by taking a drink, but Simon's(?) eyes followed him too closely for him to have missed it. "We err..." he said and shrugged again. His mind raced through a lot of answers. Everything that came to him seemed too dismissive and rude about Noel or far too intimate to share. "It's a stressful situation," he settled on. "Touring especially is like a bubble and it's hard to see the world outside that. Literally everything that happens seems like the biggest thing in the world. And it is, in a way. In your world.” He shrugged again, wondering if that would be enough to seem to answer the question.  
  
It was only meant to last an hour or so, but it already felt like a week at least. He briefly felt bad for the journalist - he was probably trying his best and it was Julian that had wanted to do the interview. It hadn't seemed fair to expect Julia to do it, not when this was about him. She'd just shrugged when he'd told her about Amanda's suggestion they announce it. She didn't look pleased but then she must have known this was the inevitable end product of breaking up with him.  
  
Or maybe she'd just assumed that he'd never move on and, if there were announcements to be made, she'd be the one doing it. Maybe she hadn’t really thought they’d actually leave each other. The thought made him sad. He could feel the interview going downhill with his mood. He needed to say something interesting to save it.  
  
“Life’s always changing, though,” he said, staring into his mug. “I mean, you can be with someone for fifteen years and before you realise it, you’re single again or looking for new ways to make a living.” It was a completely ham-fisted way of announcing he was single and he cringed at himself. It wasn’t the line Amanda had suggested, but he didn’t care, he was just relieved to have finally said it.  
  
But the journalist, now he thought about it Dave seemed to be ringing a bell, glanced at him a bit sharply. “And do you find it hard to reinvent yourself?”  
  
“I mean, things end or they don’t, you know?” he said after shifting uncomfortably. “I mean, you can’t do much about it. Love or pain or whatever, maybe it’s finite but you can’t live that way. You have to learn to adapt. If it ends then you adapt, you find a way to live without it, if it doesn’t...” he shrugged, wondering what that would be like.  
  
He realised that he’d been talking for too long and immediately felt like a tit. Why had he said any of that? What did it even mean? But the journalist was looking at him like he’d said something profound. “Do things usually end in your experience?”  
  
Julian tried not to smile. “I don’t know, that depends on how you look at it,” he shrugged. “Me and Noel... The Boosh sort of ended, only it never really did. Me and Julia...” he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bare to speak about it, knowing that everyone would know. But he had to. He had to try and change a little bit because it was important to Noel that everyone knew he wasn’t with her when something happened between them. And it was important to him that people knew he was with Noel and he wasn’t ashamed. He forced himself to speak. “We’ll always be together in some senses because that’s how life works.”  
  
He knew that he’d never changed, not in ways that really mattered. He’d calmed down a lot. He was less manic in his need to prove himself and he was better at realising when he was happy and trying to hold onto that. But otherwise, he’d never really changed. Somehow he’d always thought he would get more comfortable in his own skin as he got older and more successful. When he imagined himself in various situations - winning awards and being on TV - he somehow always forgot that he'd still be him. He wouldn't morph into a breezy, at ease, celeb that didn't mind cracking jokes and living in the moment without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol. Moments he’d thought of for years ultimately left him feeling a bit sad and wondering when he could go home.  
  
He didn’t know how to tell that to Noel. Sometimes he found himself planning events by how they might sound when he told other people about them. Or he’d be looking at something beautiful imagining that it might make a nice story to tell someone else. It never really felt like he was really there. It also meant he noticed when he might be acting like a bit of a tit and taking himself too seriously. It helped, because he knew he had that tendency – to be a bit pompous and self-important - but ultimately he was too aware of what he looked like to ever fully buy into it.

^^^^  
  
He remembered being at the comedy awards one year. They’d won. It was such a fancy affair, back when people were pretending that TV still had glamour and lots of money to splash on award ceremonies. Everyone was wearing suits, even people like him that never usually even bothered to check their t-shirts were clean.  
  
He’d let Noel dress him and fuss with his hair before they left. Noel was giddy with it all. He’d grinned up at Julian, playing with his tie, and breathed, “It’s actually happening.”  
  
Julian didn’t know what he meant. He just felt hot and too constricted. But, Courtney Love was talking in slurred tones to Noel who was gazing at her like she was a dream come to life. Jonathan Ross – the biggest thing in TV for reasons that made less sense then than they even did in retrospect – was handing out cigars.  
  
Julian didn't like cigars, they were a stupid hindrances when a simple cigarette would taste better and calm him without making him feel like he was in Bugsy Malone. But Noel had looked up at him, his eyes big and excited and he couldn’t say no. He’d lost count of the number of things he’d done because he didn’t want to disappoint Noel. Courtney had decided they should smoke outside and they were bustling through the ceremony. Noel kept glancing back at him, half seeming to want to check he was still there and grinning at him like a madman. He seemed so happy, so alive, that Julian felt impossibly pleased with himself. He’d done this. He’d achieved something and helped make Noel look so lovely, flushed with alcohol and pride.  
  
But then he spotted Russell Brand and his writing partner. Matt, he thought. He wasn’t close to Russell; he had bad news written all over him. He was the sort of person Julian had avoided ever since he first got to London, knowing that the last thing he needed was someone with worse impulse control than him. Someone who never told him something was a bad idea. He was Noel but without any of the sweetness that Julian desperately needed to balance him out. He was what Noel thought he was but could never really be because he just ultimately wanted to please people.  
  
Russell was smart and focused and dangerous. He was always looking at everything like he could see straight through it to the absurdity underneath it. No wonder he was a smack head. Julian handled those sorts of thoughts with booze and feelings of inadequacy that he’d never be able to do anything about it. Noel found it hilarious. Russell was howling at the dying of the light and if he didn’t find some way to mellow, he was going to drive himself and everyone with him off a cliff. Again.

It made Julian felt self-conscious every time he saw him. He got the impression that he could see how afraid he was that this was all going to be taken away, that he was just a grumpy and untalented Northerner who had blagged a seat at the awards do on the coattails on his beautiful and enthralling comedy partner. He wanted to show them that he realised he looked like a tit, following Jonathan Ross and Courtney Love to smoke a stupid cigar at a glitzy awards show. He knew that it was utterly ridiculous. Noel never had that hang up and so, somehow it didn’t seem ridiculous that he was doing it. But it certainly didn’t suit Julian.  
  
He steeled himself and as he got closer to them and waggled his eyebrows and the cigar like he was Tommy Copper. “I’ve arrived!” he chirped as he passed.  
  
Russell and Matt cackled at his joke, pleased that he’d noticed. He felt pleased with himself, like he’d passed their test. But as soon as he was past them, he felt guilty, like maybe he’d betrayed Noel in some way.

He felt shaken from the moment and was never fully able to get it back. He’d drunk too much in a bid to chase that elusive feeling of contentment and pleasure and ended up needing to be carried home. He thought Noel might have left to shag Courtney Love. Of course, because she was the sort of person who could be pleased to be at an award ceremony and not be crushed with self-consciousness and need to drink a bottle a scotch to get through it. Maybe Noel hadn’t noticed the moment, but it had haunted him. Proof that they weren’t ever going to be compatible and that Julian didn’t truly know how to be a celebrity.

^^^^  
  
Dan. He was pretty sure the journalist was called Dan. “That’s a nice way of thinking of things,” he said.  
  
Julian smiled back at him, bemused that he’d managed to strike a chord. “I mean,” he said, feeling a bit silly, “I’m an old man now. Given enough years, you’re sort of forced to get some perspective, even if that’s just because you’ve seen it all at least once.”  
  
Dan smiled at him again. “You’re not so old,” he said.  
  
Julian suddenly wondered if he was being flirted with. He blinked, confused. Dan was quite a bit younger than Julian but not young, early thirties perhaps. He was attractive in a bookish way, with big, dark eyes and an earnest face. Julian stared for a moment. It had been so long since he was in the position of actively being flirted with that he wasn’t sure if he was imagining it. Men usually tried their luck with Noel out of the two of them, leaving only the most confident to attempt to chat Julian up. Which was funny because Noel mostly ran for the hills at the even the suggestion of gay sex, while Julian had never much minded who was sharing his bed as long as they didn’t expect much beyond a shag and whatever leftovers might be hanging around in his fridge. He wasn’t sure what he ought to do. He couldn’t very well tell him he was taken having just outed himself as single. “Well,” he said, trying not to show he was flustered. What would he have done when he was younger? He couldn’t for the life of him remember how he’d ever managed to pull. He’d often been drunk or high and they seemed to have done most of the work. He sat back and smiled as best he could. “Thank you. I’ll be sure to let casting agents and production companies know that there’s life in me yet.”  
  
“Is there something you still want to do? You’ve done TV, movies, theatre – you recorded an album and released a single.” When he said it like that, it seemed like he had actually achieved a fair amount. Odd that it never felt like that when he looked back on it.  
  
“Of course,” he said. “There’s so much I’d love to do.” He stopped himself short, not sure what he should actually say. He didn’t want to give anything away. “More sex scenes,” is what ended up coming out of his mouth. He wasn’t sure why or why he’d used quite the low register that he did to say it.  
  
But Dan actually blushed. Julian wanted to laugh. Maybe that was how he did it. Find someone younger, impressionable and easily impressed and just leveraged that.  
  
“I can imagine that,” he said, before looking a bit mortified.  
  
Julian shifted, aware that he needed to take control of the conversation. “How horrific for you,” he said with a grin. “But that’s where the comedy comes from – something that shouldn’t even be funny but you can’t help laughing. Like a form a torture. That’s my sweet spot.”  
  
They wrapped up the interview, Dan thanking him warmly for his time and saying that he might have some follow-ups. “Should I email you direct, or..?” he let the question trail off, looking a bit hopeful, and a lot like a lost puppy.  
  
Julian had a moment to wonder what he’d do if Noel hadn’t been in the picture. An affair with a younger, male, journalist seemed like a stupid, self-destructive thing he might do if left to his own devices. Maybe they’d be able to share the pain of the writing process together, grow close over long, intimate emails. Have sex in his office. He smiled and stepped back. “Best to email Amanda,” he said and made an apologetic face. "I have a habit of not reading my emails and she’ll badger me into doing something.”  
  
Dan blinked at him for a moment, as though weighing something up, but in the end he held out his hand for a professional handshake and left Julian standing in the coffee shop. He felt freer after he’d left, relieved to be one step closer to never having to talk about his personal life with strangers ever again. He rewarded himself with another coffee, even though he’d be jittery and a bit irritable later.


	7. Chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you leaving me for a journalist named Dan?" 
> 
> Julian chuckled. "Who is this?" 
> 
> "Hilarious. Has anyone ever told you you should be in comedy?" Noel sounded vaguely irritated which never failed to make Julian smile. There was something so stroppy and sweet about Noel when he was in a mood. 
> 
> "Do you know they have? In fact I just got an excellent write up in a national newspaper. Do you think I could really make it big?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ start or end of a flashback 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and general feelings about Noelian

**Chapter Seven**  
  
Noel stared at his phone. He wanted to call Julian. It was such a familiar feeling that he felt sad. He'd only been away for a couple of days. He shouldn't be feeling a bit desperate and worried. But that was a normal feeling too when it came to Julian. He'd always been waiting for him to get bored and lose interest. Sometimes while they were still talking. It didn’t seem to matter how recently they’d spoken, he wanted more immediately, as though testing that Julian would still be interested.   
  
They'd eventually managed to afford separate bedrooms while on tour. Noel hadn't liked it much. He’d spend as much time in someone else’s room as possible. He’d follow Julian into his room and stay there until he was either kicked out or felt too awkward and had to leave. But after, he'd linger in the hallway, wanting Julian to open the door and ask him to stay. He’d stand there, berating himself for wanting to knock on his door, for wanting to see him again.   
  
Later, he realised that it wasn’t more time with Julian that he wanted, exactly. But more of Julian when they were together. But that’s what a lot of time, distance and some therapy would do for you. At the time, he’d just felt scared when they parted, like he might never see him again. It made him jump every time Julian called, desperate to soak up some more of his attention.

But he shouldn’t still feel like that. He should be better at controlling himself. That’s what he’d been training himself to do over the last ten years. To be okay with the limited contact they had with each other. To be happy when they saw each other at events or went to the cinema. He learnt not to linger at his doorstep and hope that Julian might invite himself in: might invite Noel back into his life.  
  
He knew that on one level they were past that now. They’d admitted they wanted to be together, but he couldn’t shake the idea that he ought to play hard to get, that he shouldn’t show Julian how needy he was for his attention, in case he scared him away. He worried that maybe his more recent resolve, the last ten years of learning to pull back, was actually what had finally made Julian think they could be together. He didn’t want to jeopardise it by asking for too much, too soon.  
  
He put his phone down and looked around the trailer. He needed something to distract himself. He didn't want to be the first one to call. He was the one that was meant to be off, busy and working. He didn't want it to seem like he was pining. He wanted to know if Julian would call him if he just left it long enough, prove he did feel the pull to be together as strongly as he did. A part of his brain pointed out that Julian might not be calling because he didn't want to interrupt. But that seemed ridiculous. He must know that Noel would always want to hear from him.   
  
He sighed and stood up, looking for something he could sketch with. He'd be able to head back to London soon anyway. He should be able to last until then. He'd only agreed to stay for the first few days to get into the groove of filming. They weren't even that far out of London and he could be driven in really, although it meant much earlier starts.

He managed to find a notebook and pen. He drew for what felt like hours but when he checked his phone – which still didn’t have any messages or missed calls – it had only been twenty minutes.  
  
He opened his messages, telling himself that he could just read them. That seeing Julian’s words might calm him down a bit. The last one just read “Night x”. They’d been chatting on the phone, the night before he started filming, and Julian had texted him after they hung up. It had sent a surge of happiness right through him at the time, and it still made his chest tight with something almost painful. He was calling him before he made the conscious decision to do it.  
  
“Noel,” Julian said, sounding pleased. His voice was low and rich.  
  
Noel felt everything relax all at once. He sat down heavily on a chair. “Alright?” he asked. “What’s new?”  
  
“Not much, Steve’s still squabbling about the budget,” he said, sounding a bit tired.  
  
“He’s always been a tight git,” Noel said, good naturedly. Truth was he quite admired that as a trait; he never seemed to know where he own money had gone.   
  
“That’s being a good businessman, I think.” Julian had gotten Steve in the giant Boosh divorce. He had always respected Steve. They’d connected on a level that Noel had never really understood, they had seemed like the adults in the room, whenever they were together. Noel thought Steve would like to have been quite as effortlessly cool as Julian and Julian would give his right arm to be as successful as Steve had been. But they’d never say that to each other, they’d just make jokes and tease each other gruffly. Noel got the impression Steve thought that it was his fault things had fallen apart. Also that if he could, he’d form his own partnership with Julian and create incredibly awkward comedy together – if Julian was that sort of person, he’d bet his favourite boots that it would be Julian starring in The Trip with Steve and not Rob. Although maybe that was just his jealousy talking. Maybe not everyone who liked Julian was desperate for more of his attention than he wanted to give them.

"Hmm, probably." Noel wanted to ask if Julian had missed him but not only would that sound pathetic, he wasn't sure how Julian would react.

"How's baking?" He sounded a bit amused but genuinely interested enough not to make him feel like Julian was taking the piss.

"It's okay," he said, not really sure what to say. It was too early for him to have any opinion and if he started talking he was worried he would spiral down into anxious nonsense.   
  
"I hear you're keeping yourself nice and trim for me," Julian said, his voice rich and deep from a suppressed chuckle.  
  
"Oh God, the fucking Sun. Those bastards," Noel said, burying his face in his hands. Four people had already sent him the article claiming he wasn't eating the cakes because he didn't want to gain weight. It also said everyone hated each other on set, which while not true, did make getting to know people a bit more awkward. It was like they just couldn't wait for the whole thing to fail. And it wasn't like he didn't worry enough about this weight without that sort of bullshit getting in his head. He knew that it was normal for those sorts of stories to appear, but it hurt that they'd picked that to focus on. It also hurt that the implication was he was more interested in his appearance than being professional on set.   
  
"I guess it keeps interest up," Julian said. Noel could hear his smile. It made him relax a bit, his tone suggesting that it was all ridiculous but maybe served a purpose. "But if anyone is being mean to you on that set, be sure to tell me right away," he continued, mock stern.   
  
Noel rolled his eyes even though Julian couldn't see him. "For what? So you can get all upset at them and I have to make you feel better?"   
  
"Fair point." Julian said, finally letting out a laugh, it was sleepy, happy sound and it made Noel feel warm and content.

It wasn't really late but he knew Julian was staying up and fussing over plans for production. It made him smile, to think of him crafting something, ready for them all when he was back. He wanted to ask again what he could do but knew Julian would just brush him off. It was the way Julian showed he cared: mothering you to the point of being overpowering. He quite liked it. It meant that he could switch off that part of his brain that worried about the details. He completely trusted Julian to make it happen in a way they'd be pleased with. On his solo projects he'd run himself ragged with it all - he wasn't cut out for production but he couldn't let it go either. It was nice remembering how well their partnership worked.

"Are you enjoying it?" Julian asked, sounding a bit concerned. Maybe he'd picked up on something in his voice.

"I don't know," he said, truthfully. "I mean, it's camp and ridiculous and the people are really funny but..." he trailed off. He didn't know how to put it into words but it somehow he felt like it wasn't really him. Like it was all some sort of detour he'd taken in a bid to avoid thinking about what he really wanted. "I just want to be making the film," he said in the end. It wasn't the whole of it, but that was the crux of it. He'd be much happier doing something he had more control over and showed he was capable of more than wearing silly clothes and being wacky.

"I know," Julian sounded like he really did. "But it's going to take ages to get underway and you need something to entertain you until then. Besides, this is good for you. It's something new and you're always brilliant when you're not sure of yourself. It brings out the best in you. It's going to be great."

Noel sank further into his seat and smiled. He didn't realise how much he'd needed to hear that. He would probably never be over the need to seek Julian's approval. Maybe that was fine. Maybe that was the point of being in a relationship. "Yeah?" he asked, not really liking that his voice was small and unsure.

"Of course. I'm sure you're brightening the place up nicely. It's my worst nightmare, so I'm sure you're having the time of your life."

Noel laughed. "I guess. I just wish I knew what I was doing."

"Saying weird shit and making everyone fall in love with you, isn't it?" Julian said, like it was obvious. "It's what you've been doing your whole life."

"That's you," he said, because he suddenly felt a bit bashful. And it was true anyway, even if it was in slightly different way.

"As if," Julian said. "When you back?"

It was probably the closest he'd ever get to saying he missed him. Noel clung to it like a lifeline. "In a couple of days? Do you want to come over?"

"I'll be waiting on your doorstep." It was a romantic thing to say but somehow Julian made it seem like it wasn't. Perhaps because there was an undercurrent that he was really talking about sex.

There was always something incredibly sexy about Julian. He tried to hide it under his general awkwardness but it didn't seem to help. Noel had to work hard to get people to see him as sexual, it was deliberate and provocative. But Julian never had that problem. People just seemed to throw themselves at him. One intense look and people just dropped their knickers. Probably because he was classically handsome. Tall and with annoyingly good hair and cheekbones. Something about him just seemed to make people think naughty thoughts almost immediately. Maybe it was his little eyes, like he was thinking something racy even if he was actually thinking about dinner. It worked even when he was trying his best to look unappealing. It was probably a good thing Julian as too self conscious to ever fully realise it. He'd have been a menace otherwise.

For all the sex he had when they were single, Julian had remained a bit uptight and British about it, usually needing a lot of alcohol before hooking up with someone. He had often wondered what he said to them the next morning. Or even when he got home with them. How and when he switched from his uncomfortable persona into something intimate. He'd seen glimpses of it over the years. It was a bit like when he was on stage. It seemed to fall away behind a confident and assured performance, an intensity could overtake him that was truly captivating.

Julian had always been comfortable in his own body which helped. It made other people relax and feel an almost reflected confidence. Noel had seen enough people over the years turn to putty in Julian's hands to have an idea of what he could do with just a hand on someone's waist and a look.   
  
He shifted in his chair, wondering what Julian would think about phone sex. He never talked much when they were doing it, which shouldn’t have been a surprise. But his big hands would mould Noel to where he wanted him and his breath would be hot and heavy in his ear. The pants and soft grunts were more than enough for Noel to have to think about something as unappealing as possible, like Rich’s belly button, so as not to embarrass himself. Besides, he talked enough for both of them which Julian seemed to love. But there was nothing like hearing soft words fall from his mouth when they were together. It was nothing too out there, the odd 'fuck' or Noel's name. But it drove him wild. He was desperate to break some more of Julian's carefully constructed walls.

"Where are you?" he asked, carefully looking around his trailer to confirm all the blinds were down.

"Just picking the boys up," he answered. "Why?"

Noel sighed heavily. "No reason," he said. "I'm just bored and wound up. Was hoping you might want to help me relieve some tension is all."

Julian let out a huff of a air. "I... can I call you back later?"

Interesting. Noel grinned. "You absolutely can call me whenever for that."

Julian chuckled, it was a beautiful sound. "Alright, little man. I'd better go, apparently it's frowned on to be at a school with a raging erection."

Noel cackled and hung up the phone. His day was definitely looking up.

***

"He's handsome, his crows’ feet only seem to add character to his otherwise classic features."   
  
Julian put his head in his hands. "Please stop." He didn't bother saying it above a mutter, she wasn't listening to him.   
  
"Did you sleep with this man?" she asked, pulling the paper down so she could stare at him over the top of it. She looked utterly delighted and had since she'd come home clutching a copy of The Guardian.

He hadn't expected the piece to be bad, but he also hadn't expected quite such a gushing write up of the conversation either. The quotes were more or less accurate but otherwise it was like it was about an entirely different interview. He supposed it was better than all of his flaws and awkward responses being raked over, but he felt exposed and vulnerable, like maybe he was being mocked but he wasn't sure how.   
  
But at least Julia's pleasure at teasing him took her mind off the fact some of the less highbrow newspapers had picked up on his comment about being single. Amanda had already fielded a couple of calls and confirmed they were no longer together. It meant that pervasive questions were looming for both of them.   
  
He wanted to get out of the house until she'd laughed herself out of the mood. Not that there was much chance of that for a week or so. Besides he needed to be with the boys for the next week, show nothing was really going to change. Although they'd mostly taken it in their stride, he was worried about later fall out. Especially when he and Noel went public. He was glad now for the distance between the two announcements.   
  
He picked up his phone in an effort to block out her dramatic reading of the article. At a loss for anything better, he opened Twitter. He had a much higher than normal number of mentions and follows. He couldn't bear to read them so he went to his messages.   
  
"Hope you like the article!" It was from the journalist, who had been called Dan. He'd followed Julian just after the interview and Julian had followed him back. He wasn't sure why. He'd vaguely thought it was the polite/friendly thing to do. He stared at the message for a moment before typing out a response.   
  
"I'm mortified. Thank you." He wondered if it sounded angry but sent it anyway, deciding he didn't care if he did.   
  
A response came almost immediately. "I'll take that as a compliment. It's my most shared article - I think people agree with me ;-)".   
  
Julian closed the app and stared at the screen. He felt anxious and guilty but not sure why. He stood and walked from the room, Julia still cackling in the background.   
  
Amanda picked up on the third ring. "Are you freaking out?"   
  
"It's awful - Julia is delighted." He stopped, not sure exactly why he had called. "He's messaging me on Twitter," he said it like he was confessing something, which he sort of was.   
  
"Who is?" she said, he could imagine her frowning, getting ready to leap into action if required.   
  
"The journalist," he hissed, not sure why he was pretending not to know his name.   
  
"Oh my God. Did Dan just slide into your DMs?" Amanda sounded equally horrified and amused.   
  
"What do those words even mean?" he asked, feeling a bit desperate.   
  
"It's the online equivalent of Netflix and chill," she said, sounding a bit smug.   
  
Julian actually pulled his phone from his ear to glare at it, as though he could convey his annoyance at her words over the line.   
  
"Alright Julian," she said, as though it had actually worked and she’d pick up on his mood. "This is probably a good thing. He's an openly gay public figure and he's flirting with you."   
  
Julian blinked. This was like a nightmare. He was in a nightmare. "A good thing?"   
  
"Yes," she said firmly. "A bit of speculation never hurt anyone. Take a selfie and upload it with a quote from the article."   
  
"Are you actually kidding me?" Julian felt like maybe she'd mixed him up with someone else. Someone twenty years younger and attractive and desperate for more of this attention.   
  
"No," she said. "It'll look to most people like you're making fun of the situation. But I know Dan will see it. Hopefully he'll comment."  
  
"Are you trying to get me a beard?" This conversation seemed to have gotten away from him. He thought he was about to get help to find a way out of this, not further in.   
  
"That's for people who want to pretend to be straight," she sounded like she thought he was being difficult on purpose. "This is just a very slight nod towards something about you people might not know. We need to lay some groundwork otherwise it's going to require a lot more explaining later and I know you don't want that."  
  
All the things she was saying made sense but they added up to something horrifying and not at all what he wanted. "I'm not doing that. It feels like lying. And I'll look ridiculous. Like some old man desperate for a bit of attention because I just got dumped."   
  
"Julian," she said firmly. "That is not what people are going to think. Did you read the comments under that photo of you in the Robin Hood t-shirt?" She didn't wait for him to confirm that he had not. "Besides, I'm not asking you to take a sexy selfie. I mean take one of you looking as bad as you like and caption it about your crows' feet. It's a joke. And one that makes sense to anyone who's looking at your Twitter mentions today."   
  
Julian took a moment to wonder who on Earth that would apply to before he answered. "It seems so over the top. I just want to be able to hold someone's hand in public."   
  
Her voice softened. "I know, but that's not all you want. You also want to work in the media." She paused, letting that sink in for a moment. "I'm trying to help, what's the harm in flirting with a handsome young man who is clearly besotted with you?"   
  
There were so many things wrong with it that he didn't know where to even start. "Isn't it..." he sighed. "I don't want to seem... I'm with Noel."   
  
"Julian," she said, her voice suggested she thought he was an imbecile but was going to try and help him anyway. "He's not going to fall in with you after a joke selfie and an interview. I'm sure you're safe."   
  
He was pleased she couldn't see him blush. "Yeah, I know that. It just seems dishonest."   
  
"I'm hanging up now, Julian. It's your call." She was gone before he could answer.   
  
He stood for a moment feeling indecisive. He considered asking Julia for her advice but ruled that out immediately. She would not let that go for another million years. In the end he snapped a quick picture where most of his head was out of shot and uploaded it with a caption from something Julia had been shouting at him all morning.   
  
He put his phone in his pocket and went back to the kitchen. Julia had thankfully put the paper down to make dinner.  
  
He'd been sitting and staring into space for nearly five minutes before his phone rang.   
  
"Are you leaving me for a journalist named Dan?"   
  
Julian chuckled. "Who is this?"   
  
"Hilarious. Has anyone ever told you you should be in comedy?" Noel sounded vaguely irritated which never failed to make Julian smile. There was something so stroppy and sweet about Noel when he was in a mood.   
  
"Do you know they have? In fact I just got an excellent write up in a national newspaper. Do you think I could really make it big?" Julia was looking at him and rolling her eyes. He left the room before she started wanting to contribute to the conversation.   
  
"Who the hell even is that guy? My Twitter feed is full of people telling me that I'm being replaced by some pretty boy Guardian journalist." Noel seemed genuinely a bit miffed by the whole thing.   
  
"I really don't know. He's the guy Amanda set the interview up with. We had a perfectly ordinary interview. I think he's just trying to wind me up." He tried to keep the amusement out of his voice but wasn't sure he managed.   
  
"He says that you're mortified by the article," Noel said. "Are you flirting with him? I know you, Julian Barratt, and this whole thing - including that hideous picture you just posted - had your attempt at flirting written all over it." Noel was trying to keep his tone light, but Julian got the sense that he was actually a bit hurt.   
  
He sighed. "Fine. But don't laugh," he said, knowing it was futile to ask. "He was a bit flirty at the interview which was awful, by the way. Then Amanda said I should post the selfie. Apparently we're sowing the seeds that I might like cock or something." He put a hand over his face. It sounded even worse when he said it out loud.   
  
Noel laughed. He didn't stop for several minutes. Julian sighed heavily and waited.   
  
"That is amazing." Noel giggled again, any jealousy apparently forgotten in the face of his embarrassment.   
  
"It's fucking dreadful. I feel like Uncle Monty." He rubbed his face with his free hand.   
  
Noel giggled again. The sound made Julian want to smile despite himself. "But you're so handsome!"   
  
Julian sighed. "You've read it?"   
  
"Course. I bought it first thing." He sounded pleased with himself. "He reminds me of me, when we first met."   
  
Julian actually felt himself blush which was mortifying. "Well, at least it's done," he said, trying to change the topic. “Now I just need him to stop messaging me on Twitter and we can all move on with our lives."   
  
"He's messaging you?" Noel laughed but the edge was back to his voice. "Oh God, he's going to turn into some crazy stalker. Maybe I should tell him to back off."   
  
"Yes, that's what I need. You wading into it, that won't extend the whole thing even more." He wondered how this had become his life. He just wanted to make a film. Why did these things keep happening to him?   
  
"I'm coming home soon," Noel said, seemingly changing the subject. But his voice sounded off.  
  
Noel had decided to stay nearer the filming as it got more intense. It made sense and it was good timing as Julian didn't need to pick where he spent his time. But it was weird too. It felt like they were waiting to start something, hanging in limbo until Noel was free to actually start work properly. He'd be pleased to have Bake Off out of the way. They'd at least both be in London and could fit in production meetings, among other things, around their other gigs.   
  
It was hard to imagine that whatever was going on between them was real sometimes. Most of the time it felt like nothing had really changed. It worried him. Surely it should feel different? He didn't know. He'd never done the friends to more thing before. He was taking most of his cues from Noel and that didn't seem like a good idea.   
  
"Yeah," he said, not sure what he ought to say to that. "Next week right? Steve was hoping for a meeting."

Noel was quiet for a long time. "Yep,” he said, his voice a bit clipped, “I'm sure I can find time."   
  
Something in Noel's tone made Julian think he might have said the wrong thing but he wasn't sure why. “Yeah, it’ll be good to get things moving forward at bit,” he said, trying to move the conversation on and give himself a chance to figure out why Noel might be annoyed.  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said. “That’s what will be good about me being back. Maybe we can get you some more interviews off the back of the film being announced.”  
  
Julian frowned. What the hell was Noel’s problem? It was like he didn’t realise the only reason he’d done the interview was so they could be together. He couldn’t possibly believe Julian was enjoying the attention. And it was Noel that was constantly talking about feeling guilty about being away and not concentrating on the film. But he didn’t want to argue, not when everything around him was already feeling uncertain and a bit sad. "Maybe we should go out after?" he tried, hoping he could pull Noel out of his odd mood.   
  
"Yeah, I've promised to see some people when I'm back." Noel’s voice was almost bored, like he wanted to conversation to be over.  
  
Julian waited for him to say something else but the line remained quiet. He frowned, starting to feel a bit annoyed himself, he hadn't meant they should go out every night. But they were meant to be together weren’t they? Why was Noel making it seem like seeing him was a chore suddenly? "Okay," he said slowly. "I guess I'll see you for the meeting?" He didn't mean for it sound like a question but he felt a bit lost.   
  
"If you like," he said. "Are you planning to see Dan for a follow-up in the meantime?"   
  
Now he was sure Noel was pissed at him. But why and for what he literally had no idea. Hadn't he just done something he hated for him? Shouldn't this be a nice moment in their relationship? "I hate interviews," he reminded him.   
  
"Well, they obviously have some upside for you,” Noel said, his voice hard like he hadn’t heard since they got together.  
  
Julian wanted to point out the only upside was that they could be together but he didn't know how to phrase that and not sound stupid. Especially when Noel didn't seem to even want to see him. "Not that I can see."   
  
Noel huffed. "I've got to get back to set."   
  
Julian frowned feeling frustrated but he didn’t have any idea how to pull the conversation back. "Okay. Speak later if you want." He hung up before Noel could respond. He took a moment to just breathe. The day was not panning out like he'd hoped. He'd expected it to be bad. The boys were at school and the next week would probably prove hard for them all. But he'd expected Noel to be there for him. He'd thought he would be pleased.   
  
He opened Twitter again. He still had plenty of notifications and another message from Dan. "Cute selfie". He deleted the app. This was not what he wanted at all.

***   
  
Noel was in a terrible mood. His call with Julian lingered in his mind for hours after it ended. He hadn't even been annoyed when he called - he'd thought it was funny that some bloke was trying to flirt with him. Publicly! The idea was absurd. Even if Julian had been encouraging it a bit with the selfie, it didn't bother him.   
  
But as soon as the call started, he had begun to feel anxious. Julian had found the whole thing funny and he hadn’t expected that. He was ready for him to hate it, not to find it charming. It made Noel unexpectedly vulnerable and unsure of himself.

He hated being away and only being able to talk on the phone, especially because everything was still so new and uncertain. He’d called hoping to get some comfort and to feel connected to Julian. So when Julian said the best thing about Noel being back in London was going for a production meeting, he’d gone from worried to irritated. It was so reminiscent of when they’d started working together and Noel had constantly been uncertain if Julian even liked him outside of the fact they were writing together, that he was annoyed. Surely they were beyond needing to make excuses to see each other? Or maybe that was really all Julian was excited about.   
  
It didn't help that he still felt adrift on set. He thought all the filming and panel shows he’d done before would have made it easy. But it was totally different. Presenting while trying to bond with all the contestants was exhausting. He also couldn't shake the idea that the whole thing was resting on him. Mel and Sue had made Bake Off and he knew the production company’s decision to hire him was about a rebrand of the show. He was meant to be making it cool or edgy or something. He'd felt neither of those things for years. It was making him stressed and uptight, he knew. He'd already snapped at Mike when they'd spoken earlier in the day and Julian had partly just been on the wrong end of his mood.

By the time Julian had gotten around to sort of asking him out on a date, he was feeling too wounded and insecure to respond the way he knew he should. He wanted Julian to work at it a bit, to show that Noel was just imagining things and he really did want to be with him. Of course that's not what happened. Julian didn't respond to things like that; he just shut down. The result was he was both annoyed at Julian and himself for expecting it to be different.   
  
Julian hadn't been in touch since the call. Maybe he was too busy messaging with Dan bloody Perry. What a dick. Who flirts with someone over Twitter anyway? Who writes an entire article about them just to get a leg over? Brewing just under the surface was also the thought of what happened in the interview. Julian must have flirted or at least not put off Dan when he did. It wasn't like he thought anything would happen. He knew it wouldn't. But it stung for reasons he couldn't quite understand.   
  
He checked his phone. Nothing.   
  
"You expecting a call?" Sandi had a way of making him feel like he might have been naughty with just a look.   
  
"Yeah," he said. "Hoping for one."   
  
"Ah," she said, with a knowing look.   
  
He paused. She'd done this, right? She'd literally come out and kept her career. Back when that wasn't even meant to be possible. Maybe he should say something. He just had no idea what. "Julian was meant to call." That wasn't even strictly true but it he supposed it would do as an opener.   
  
She looked at him for a long moment. "Why don't you call him?"   
  
It was an annoying response; she was right but it was so frustrating that he burst out, "Because he never does!"   
  
"Oh," she blinked at him. "Well, maybe he doesn't know you want him too."   
  
He wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood, to show that she was right and he wasn't bothered anyway. She clearly didn't understand and it would take too long to explain. A lifetime probably. But he couldn't think of anything to say. He hated when people automatically tried to see the other person's view. What was wrong with just being annoyed at someone anyway? When someone upset you, why wasn't it acceptable to just be annoyed? Why did not forgiving someone right away make you a bad person? There was twenty years of Julian not really making the effort - he was allowed to be miffed. Besides, sulking was one of the things he did best as a boyfriend.  
  
"Is he alright?" she said after a moment.  
  
"Huh?" he blinked at her.   
  
"I saw the Guardian interview and just wondered how he's holding up." She gave him sympathetic raise of her eyebrows. Noel had a moment to wonder why she thought being flirted with online was deserving of such a look before she continued. "I've met Julia a few times. She's a lovely woman."   
  
Oh. He'd known for so long that it hadn't occurred to him that everyone else was just finding out.

He had a sinking feeling that he might have been a dick. Everything he said and thought was still true but he couldn't very well continue to be annoyed when Julian was going through all that. But, if anything the thought just made him more annoyed, which he felt guilty for, which just made him more annoyed.   
  
He mumbled something about them being fine and that it had happened a while ago before getting up and walking away. He threw his phone onto a chair on the other side of the room and walked purposely to find someone else to talk to. Before he knew it, they were being called to set and he didn't have time to retrieve it. He asked someone to grab it and put it in his trailer. But it meant that he wasn't reunited with it until hours later.   
  
He picked it up, half expecting a missed call or some messages. There were none. At least none from Julian. He frowned and opened twitter. People were still talking about the article. He clicked on Dan Perry's profile because he had no self-control. He was still chatting about the article with various fans. He was funny, Noel had to admit, self-deprecating and sharp. He was answering questions in a way that didn't actually give away more than was in the article, other than mentioning that he'd clearly spoken to Julian about it.   
  
He scrolled through Dan’s tweets aimlessly for a few minutes feeling sour and not sure why. He was just about to close the app when he saw he'd tweeted again. "I told him I thought it was a cute selfie. He's a cute selfie." Noel rolled his eyes and tried to push down on the bitter taste in his mouth. He knew it was just a bit of fun, that he'd played off of fancying Julian for years and so couldn't really be annoyed that someone else was doing it for a day. But it did bother him. He didn't like the idea that this guy got to interact with Julian so easily. That he could tease him so openly, admit that he fancied him without any hang ups. It didn't seem fair.   
  
He needed a drink. Maybe he could go out when he was done. Just for a few.

\---

He woke the next morning feeling like he'd been run over by a bus. He threw a hand out to stop the buzzing from beside his bed. He blinked a few times trying to remember where he was. It wasn't his own bed. He tried to focus, but his eyes stung when he attempted to prise them open. The room was obnoxiously bright - he obviously hadn't drawn the curtains when he got back to the room. His hotel room, he remembered.   
  
The night before swam into hazy focus. He'd gone out with some of the crew. They hadn't got far, there not being anywhere to really go, but he remembered laughing a lot. It had been a good night, even if he'd had to work at it to begin with. He'd made sure to leave his phone in his room so he didn't make any calls while he was out, a hang up from years of drunk calls that never achieved anything apart from making him feel stupid and guilty the next morning. He groped a hand into the draw next to his head and pulled it out. It was dead. He wanted to plug it in but instead lay very still trying to gather the energy. He didn't think he was going to throw up at least, but his head was throbbing and it felt like he'd hardly slept. He took a couple of deep breaths before staggering to his feet. He hooked his phone up to the cable dangling beside his bed before heading to the shower. He needed to look slightly less like he'd been on a bender before he arrived at set.   
  
By the time he got back out to the bedroom, his phone was on and a few messages had filtered through. He sat down to flick through them.   
  
His heart leapt. Julian had texted. He clicked it open. They were both short. The first one said, "Hey you around? Been a shit day." It was followed by another one, "Oh, I see you've gone out. No worries. Have a good night."   
  
His stomach dropped to his feet. How did Julian even know he'd gone out? Although he did have some fuzzy memories of people taking pictures. Maybe someone had posted it online or something.   
  
He'd assumed Julian wasn't going to call. Or that if he did it would be because he wanted to talk about why Noel had been in a mood. It hadn't occurred to him that he might want to talk about his home situation. Julian never did that. At least, not without a lot of alcohol.  
  
Although, maybe that wasn't quite right. He wasn't exactly an open book, but he had often confided his fears to Noel. Especially early on, before they started getting big. And he actually didn't really have a problem in talking about external things that bugged him either, if someone had pissed him off he'd happily spend an hour bitching about it. It was when the problem was Noel that he seemed to clam up. Besides, that was all was before Noel was meant to be his boyfriend.   
  
The more he thought about it, the more horror began to trickle down his spine. What kind of dick went out and got smashed the day his boyfriend announced he'd split from his long-term girlfriend and mother of his children because you'd asked him to?   
  
He stared blankly at his phone, his heart hammering in his chest. He pressed some buttons with shaking hands.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"I fucked up," he said in a rush.   
  
"Noel? What time is it?"   
  
He looked at the clock. "Six," he said.   
  
"Fuck me, what could you possibly want at this time?" Dave sounded like he'd been gargling with gravel but he hardly noticed.   
  
"I fucked up," he said again, his heart still hammering. It was making his headache worse and his stomach was starting to churn alarmingly.   
  
"Are you okay?" Dave was suddenly much more awake sounding.   
  
It made something clench in his chest. He hadn't meant to worry him. He was such a cock. "I'm fine. I mean… It's- it's Julian."   
  
Dave was very nearly able to cover his sigh. "What happened? Is it about The Guardian article?"   
  
Noel had a moment to feel a bit embarrassed that he was so transparent before he answered. Dave had known about the two of them for a few weeks. Unsure of how to broach the topic, Noel had just snapped a picture of Julian asleep in his bed and sent it to Dave with a few emojis. He'd responded immediately with about a hundred exclamation marks and then a message that said, "Get in". Noel had grinned for about an hour after. Dave had been with them since the start and had never been anything but solidly supportive.   
  
"Sort of," he said. "I don't know. I think it all got a bit much. That journalist flirting with Julian and everything and then he was weird with me on the phone. He just wanted to talk about work and it pissed me off. Then he didn't call so I went out and I left my phone behind and he couldn't get hold me last night. He just announced he's single and I just... I just bailed on him. Who does that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I was going to do it differently this time but it's the same thing all over. He just turns me into this crazy person." He drew to a halt and waited for a response but Dave was quiet. "Dave?" he said after a moment.   
  
"Sorry, I was just trying to translate all of that. To summarise, he started the process of coming out by doing a national interview about his personal life, which he hates. And now everyone knows that he and Julia have broken up. Then he gets harassed online by the journalist so you have a fight with him and then ignore him to go out partying?" Dave didn't put any inflection into the speech. He didn't need to.   
  
"What's wrong with me?" Noel whispered. "Why am I trying to fuck this up?"  
  
"I don't know," Dave said, softly. "Have you spoken to him?"   
  
"No," Noel said, "I saw his messages and freaked out and called you."   
  
"Did he seem annoyed?"  
  
Noel paused. "I don't know, I think he was just a bit sad. How do you tell via text?"   
  
"You need to call him," Dave said. "You need to talk to him about why you did that."   
  
Noel swallowed. That's not what they did. For something like this, where the hurt hadn't been acknowledged on either side, the protocol was to ignore it. "I don't know, I have to be on set and maybe it's better that I just leave it. I don't want to stir up anything."  
  
Dave didn't bother hiding his sigh. "Really? Like we all did before? Isn't that what made everything go tits up last time? I lost count of the times you guys pretended not to be hurt or angry. It was really weird. I know we're English but it's not right to repress stuff like that. Especially if you're together now."   
  
Noel but his lip. "I don't know what to say to him."   
  
"What?" Dave sounded totally bemused. "It's Julian. You always know what to say. But maybe start with sorry. Maybe tell him what's bothering you. Maybe try being honest. The last time you tried that didn't he like, fall into your arms and confess his undying love or something? Seems like a good bet to me."   
  
It sounded a lot easier when someone else was suggesting it. He was silent for a long time, working up the courage to speak. "What if..." he was all but whispering and forced himself to continue. "What if he wants to break up with me?"   
  
"I don't think he will," Dave said, his voice softening, "But if he does, forget your dignity and maybe try begging? I'm not putting up with you being heartbroken again because you're neurotic and can't handle someone flirting with your boyfriend over twitter. It’s embarrassing."   
  
"I think I'm going to be sick," Noel said, closing his eyes.   
  
"I think you're hungover and paranoid and need to get over yourself," Dave said, not unkindly. "It's not as big of a deal as you're making it. You fucked up but you've done worse. You haven't physically assaulted him this time."  
  
Noel almost smiled. "Worst. Boyfriend. Ever."   
  
"Not ever," Dave said, almost sounding protective. "I mean, your stock's gone down a bit, but I reckon you can recover with some grovelling. Just... try to be honest with him?"   
  
Noel nodded even though Dave couldn't see him. "I don't want to mess it up," he said, kicking his feet against the bed. He felt small and sad and his hangover wasn't helping.   
  
"Then don't," Dave said. "Can I go back to sleep yet or do you need to moan some more first?"   
  
"Geez," Noel said, trying and failing to sound annoyed. "Sorry to be keeping you up."  
  
"Thanks," Dave said cheerfully. "Now get lost."   
  
He'd hung up before Noel could think of a reason to keep him on the line. He stared at his phone for a second and considered his options. He considered again just leaving for set and calling Julian later. It was a terrible idea, but it also had its appeal.   
  
He took a deep breath and called him. As it started to ring it occurred to him that Julian might not pick up. He might be asleep. Or ignoring him. It certainly wouldn't be the first time one of his calls got screened, especially after he'd been out. He felt a bit dizzy at the thought of returning to those days, of not being sure if Julian was going to want to speak to him.  
  
"'ello?" Julian's voice was rough, but it made Noel relax.   
  
"Hi," he said. Then he felt stupid and cleared his throat. "I'm so sorry," he said in a rush. "I was being a complete tit yesterday. I don't know what came over me. I should have been there for you and I wasn't."   
  
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone. Noel checked that he hadn't rung the wrong person before lifting it back to his ear. "Julian?" he said, softly.   
  
"Yeah," Julian said, it wasn't a question, just an affirmation that he was there. His voice sounded tight, it might have been with annoyance or something else, he couldn't tell.   
  
"I shouldn't have gone out," Noel said. "I think... I just missed you and I wanted to see you and then..." He didn't want to blame Julian, but wasn't sure how else to explain his actions. "I don't like Dan Perry. I got a bit... I was being insecure and stupid. I'm sorry."   
  
"Okay," Julian said. There was rustling, like maybe he was sitting up in bed. "That's a lot of words first thing in the morning."   
  
Noel huffed a laugh, more out of nervousness than genuine humour. "I know. But, I wanted to be honest. Because I know I've been shit but I just... I wanted to explain."   
  
"Okay," Julian said again. His voice wasn't giving anyway his mood and it was making Noel feel increasingly anxious.   
  
"I guess... I still sometimes feel that you don't... want to see me?" He wasn’t sure why he phrased it as a question, but his voice seemed to try and swerve the declaration at the last moment.  
  
"What are you talking about?" He sounded more confused than angry, which gave him the confidence to keep talking.  
  
"I don't know. But sometimes it feels like… maybe you don’t really mind if we don’t see each other?" It was the worst possible way to have this conversation. It shouldn't be over the phone and not when he was hungover and Julian was probably already considering if he wanted to be with him at all. "So, sometimes I forget that you might actually need me."   
  
"I don't understand," Julian sounded confused and tired.   
  
It occurred to Noel a bit belatedly that it was possible he'd invented the entire argument in his head. Maybe Julian didn't even think it mattered that he was out last night. Maybe he hadn't been calling for anything other than some phone sex and a chat about the film. Maybe Noel was right about everything else but wrong about the idea that Julian would even care.   
  
"Yesterday," he clarified. "I should have been there for you. I thought you'd be annoyed I went out and didn't answer your calls."   
  
Julian was silent but Noel could hear him breathing so he clearly hadn't hung up. He tried not to fidget and waited for him to speak. "I wasn't annoyed," he said in the end. "I mean, I was upset that you were still annoyed at me for whatever happened on the phone. And, I was..." he trailed off. "I wanted to talk to you about everything. But I wasn't annoyed."

"You should be," Noel said. Dealing with the thing he knew how to respond to. "I was a tit. Something huge happened to you yesterday and I should have been there for you."   
  
"Thanks," Julian said, letting out a slow breath. "It was hard; the boys are trying to put a brave face on it but I can tell they're upset. And we both keep getting endless condolence texts that I have no idea how to respond to. I had no idea that many people even had my number."  
  
"You should just write a generic text telling them to butt out and send it to all of them," Noel said.   
  
"See," Julian said, his tone brightening. "That's the sort of expert advice I needed yesterday."   
  
"I know," Noel said. "I'm sorry."   
  
"I'm still not sure why I pissed you off." Julian didn't sound much like he wanted to know the answer.   
  
Noel felt so stupid he wasn't even sure how to phrase it. "Nothing," he said. "I mean, I was just being oversensitive because some guy gets to flirt with you openly and I don't. And then, I don't know. I miss you and you..." he trailed off and bit his lip. He couldn't bring himself to say anything else. He felt stupid enough as it was.   
  
"Look," Julian said. "I know that I'm not... I miss you too." It sounded like the words had been physically ripped from him and hurt on the way out. But they made Noel smile. "And... I much prefer flirting publicly with you. I only posted that stupid picture because Amanda told me too."   
  
"But you followed him on Twitter and messaged him. And... I know you Julian, I'm sure you were all intense and moody with him in the interview." He hurried on before Julian could protest. "And that's fine! I really don't care. It's not like I'm not the biggest flirt ever. But, I just... it's hard to adjust to the idea that we're together and I don't have to worry about you going off or whatever."   
  
"I'm not going to," Julian said. "You're more likely-" he cut himself off, perhaps sensing that a fight loomed if he continued down that path. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm only doing any of this for you."   
  
"Yeah," Noel said, knowing he was right and feeling guilty.   
  
"I really don't mind that you went out," Julian said, "But, like, maybe a call when you're back would be nice?"   
  
Noel grinned. "A drunk goodnight call? Are you sure?"  
  
"As long as it's not to shout at me, I'd love it." Julian was smiling he could tell.   
  
"I'm sorry," Noel said. He felt so much better for talking that he just wanted to reiterate it.   
  
"I know, thank you.” It sounded like he meant it.   
  
"Well, that was all very mature and civilised," Noel said, with a laugh. "It's like we're grownups."   
  
"I know." Julian was definitely smiling now. "And I didn't get any food kicked out of my hands or leaflets thrown at me. Amazing. I like this being your boyfriend thing way more than just comedy partner."   
  
"Haha," Noel said. "In my defence, you're a much better boyfriend than comedy partner."   
  
"I can believe that." Julian was quiet for a moment. "It's weird. I'm not used to this."   
  
"What?" Noel said, he felt so relieved that even his hangover felt better. He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes.   
  
"Just... talking to you like this. It's nice."   
  
Noel wanted to ask what he meant exactly but he didn't want to push. Instead he said, "I like it too. I like you."   
  
Julian laughed. "Yeah, me too. Even if you are a little shit sometimes."   
  
"Fair enough," Noel said. He opened an eye to check the time. "I better go. I'm late for set already."   
  
"Okay..." he could tell Julian wanted to say more so he forced himself to stay quiet. "Call me later?"   
  
Noel smiled. "Yeah, okay. Love you."  
  
"You too," Julian said, a smile in his voice.   
  
Noel hung up and breathed deep. And smiled.   
  
***  
  
Julian frowned at the painting. "I don't get it," he said.  
  
Noel heaved a sigh. "It's Howard rescuing Vince from the ice palace."   
  
"Yeah, I get that." He reached out and touched the canvas gently. "But why is he carrying him?"   
  
"Because he's still enchanted from those sweets," Noel said cheerfully.   
  
"He's going to be okay?" Julian couldn't explain it, but there was something vulnerable and small looking about Vince, all tucked up against Howard's chest.   
  
"Of course. Naboo will sort him right out," Noel was staring at the painting too. "Do you like it?"   
  
"It's beautiful," Julian said softly. It really was. It was an early concept piece, part of pulling together the early look and feel of the film, but it was perfect. "No way am I carrying you like that," Julian said, to cover the odd lump that had formed in his throat.   
  
"’Course you are," Noel said. "I'm going on a diet starting right now and you're going to be training. It's an important moment."   
  
Julian turned to make a joke but stopped at the sight of Noel's face. "Are you serious?"   
  
"Yeah, it's Howard's hero moment. He's got to save Vince. Besides, this image is haunting me." They stared at the painting in silence. He was right, of course. Anything that Noel felt strongly enough to paint like this at least got shot and usually ended up in the final show. And it was a very striking image. "Don't worry," he said, touching Julian's arm gently. "Howard can fall over a lot to make up for it."   
  
He laughed, his heart constricting that somehow Noel had understood perfectly what was bothering about the image. It felt too personal, like everyone looking at it would know that it was Julian’s personal fantasy, how he most wanted their relationship to be. It wasn’t like that, of course, which everyone would also know. He took Noel's hand. "Yeah, okay."

They'd been at Noel's studio most of the day. Julian wasn't really meant to be there. Amanda had told them to lay low for a bit and let everything with The Guardian interview die down. But he could never resist being around Noel when he was working. It was a beautiful sight, at once inspiring and captivating.

Bake Off was finished and being edited. Noel was pretending not to be worried about it. They'd started pre-design work to take his mind off it more than because they were at the stage where they needed to. Steve and Amanda had worked their magic and found them some backers for the film. It was still so precarious. He'd been at this stage a few times on projects that never materialised. But he felt confident that this one would. Noel was so determined that he couldn't imagine him letting it not happen at this point.   
  
Noel was painting some early set ideas and Julian was transfixed. He’d always been amazed by people who were visual in their creativity. He liked sketching, but he didn't have the patience for it. Noel lost himself entirely to it. It was like seeing his brain come to life. He'd start to get manic if he didn't have the chance to paint regularly. He'd seen it happen while they were on tour. He couldn't seem to settle without it. Like his brain would wind round and round and never let him relax. He'd started making sure Noel packed his paints if they were going to be away for more than a couple of weeks.   
  
It had also become an important part of their process. Sometimes Noel could paint them out of a difficult scene, it was like a different part of his brain took over, his unconscious or something. Noel would often go away and come back with a fully formed character after being in the studio for a day. Julian liked to tinker with music, but he knew the real heart of their show was the look. People always came away remembering the stark visuals of the characters. And Noel took his role in making the Boosh look good seriously. He would slave away fixing mistakes only he was able to see on costumes and sets, even when there were meant to be plenty of other people taking care of it. But Julian knew it was how Noel felt most confident in contributing to the process.  
  
Plus he looked fucking gorgeous when he painted. A calm came over Noel when he was concentrating on his art that was never there otherwise. Julian suspected that hardly anyone in the world had seen the expressions Noel would pull when painting; totally focused and serene.   
  
He looked back at the painting and smiled. It was a nice image. He wondered how long Noel had been picturing it. It was a long time since Howard had been the one doing any rescuing. It was another testament to how strained they'd become by the end. Vince had become sharper, meaner, while Howard had gone from tragic to downright depressing. The new script felt more like some of the earlier stuff they'd done.   
  
There was less flirting in the new script, but the arc was more romantic. A declaration of action and intent rather than flirting with action that said the opposite. Another reflection of his and Noel's changed relationship.   
  
He supposed the show had always been a distorted mirror for how they were with each other. They'd admitted as much when pressed, but had always been tight lipped about which bits they related to exactly, probably aware that that was a thread that didn't bear pulling.   
  
^^^^^  
  
It wasn’t like he didn’t know from early on that there was something off about their friendship, something that he didn’t share with anyone else. But instead of addressing it, they turned it into a joke. Julian didn’t remember them ever talking about it – they would often dissect jokes, especially when they disagreed about whether they were funny, but they never talked about the flirting. When one of them would suggest that they be mistaken for husband and wife, the other would laugh and agree. Julian suspected it might have been him that made the first joke. He liked the idea of playing with something the audience might not understand or find strange. Noel had just rolled with it, like he did with everything Julian insisted they did.  
  
Noel had rarely questioned him in the early days. Even when he'd started kissing him on stage. He'd just looked up at him and giggled like Julian had done something brilliant and hilarious rather than giving into his repressed desire to kiss Noel's silly, pointy face.   
  
He'd liked Noel's unwavering trust in him, even as it terrified him. He liked how Noel would look up at him with his stupidly big eyes and follow his every word. It was nice having someone that everyone was looking at, looking at him. It was like being the centre of attention without having the crushing sense he was about to do something embarrassing. But, at the same time, he worried Noel didn't really understand what he was getting into. That he'd let Julian lead them right off a cliff without saying anything. Julian didn't want an acolyte, however attractive they looked asleep in his bed after a writing session. He’d always wanted a true partner who would challenge and push him. And take the slack when he needed them to. It had been a relief to realise Noel would be all of that and much more. He’d filled parts of Julian he hadn’t even realised were missing, even if it had taken an embarrassingly long time to see there was more going on with Noel than the outlandish hair and silly jokes.   
  
As time had gone on, it became increasingly clear Noel had his own act to match Julian’s pompous, twitchy, idiot. Noel played up his naivety and pretended to be a lot less smart than he really was. Once he’d seen through it, he found it almost unbelievable that anyone could actually buy it. Noel would play with his hair and look up at someone through his lashes and pretend not to understand they were telling him to fuck off, or to come home with them, or that there simply wasn’t the budget for what he wanted. But that was Noel’s charm. He made people want to believe that someone like him could really exist and be spending time with them. It wasn’t even entirely a lie, either, there was more than a grain of truth to his friendly, guileless façade. Noel genuinely seemed to like pretty much everyone he ever met.  
  
There were a few notable exceptions, of course. Noel's tough, bratty side didn't rear its head often so it always surprised him and he never learnt how to anticipate what might set him off. He’d hated most of Julian’s male friends from Leeds, for example. Matt especially seemed to bring out some of Noel’s more childish and petulant behaviour. He'd found it confusing because none of his other exes bothered him. He'd wondered if it was some sort of latent homophobia or if Matt symbolised some other threat he couldn't see.   
  
Either way, he’d often find Noel crawling into his bed with him when Matt was around, as though trying to act as a literal cock block. For his part, Matt hadn’t much liked Noel either. Julian had lost count of the times he’d asked if something was going on between them. He’d always denied it, not even able to make eye contact while he did.   
  
“But he’s in love with you,” Matt had finally burst out once, after Julian rolled his eyes at another not-so-subtle enquiry about their relationship.  
  
Julian had contemplated pretending he couldn’t hear him, concentrating hard on the cigarette in his hand before stubbing it out. He hated it when people said it like that. People had been saying it with varying states of humour for about as long as he’d known Noel. He didn’t know how to explain that it was just the way Noel was. He looked at everyone like they were the most interesting thing in the world. A lot of people didn’t realise that and got hurt, but not Julian. After he’d swerved their first almost kiss at Noel’s flat, he’d been vigilant with himself. Noel was a comedy partner, an attractive and flirtatious one, but Julian was fine with that. It didn’t have to mean anything. He would make sure of it. “Get a grip,” he said, because he knew full well that Matt was never going to let it go. He was nothing if not persistent. “Noel is in love with everyone on a nightly basis.”  
  
“He’s the reason you’re still doing comedy,” Matt said, as though that was somehow related.  
  
“Yeah,” Julian said. “We’re a good double act.”  
  
Matt stared at him. “I mean he’s the reason you didn’t come back.”  
  
The ‘to me’ was implied. But he was also an expert at not hearing things he didn’t want to deal with. He shoved down the guilt. “I found something I didn’t really badly suck at,” Julian said. “I want to see where it takes me.”  
  
Matt looked sad for a moment. “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” he said, sounding a bit frustrated. “If it were someone else I’d tell them to keep fishing, but I’m scared you actually believe it.”  
  
Julian hunched down, he hated it when people tried to tell him he was good at things, like he couldn’t see himself in the mirror, or hear the music he wrote or his jokes failing to land. He never knew how to respond, he couldn’t bring himself to agree but denying it seemed to upset people.  
  
“I knew you were too good for Leeds,” Matt said. It sounded like he meant it and Julian wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. “I was selfish for keeping you as long as I did.”  
  
“You could have come with me,” he said, because he couldn’t think of anything else.  
  
Matt smiled. “You would have hated that,” he said. “Besides, London’s not for me and I don’t think my frail heart could have taken it when you met Noel and ditched me.”  
  
He looked so sad that Julian kissed him. He wasn’t sure what else to do, he couldn’t give him any of the things he really wanted. He didn’t know how to form the words he wanted to hear. It was a selfish thing to do, really. But Julian wasn’t made of stone and Matt was looking at him like he genuinely believed Julian was worth something. He wanted to make Matt happy, even if it was for a little while, and maybe he could soak in some his confidence in Julian at the same time.  
  
Matt climbed into his lap, his hands fumbling with Julian’s flies. Julian had always loved sex with Matt. He was the first man he’d been with and he’d loved how uncomplicated it was. He didn’t spend the whole time second-guessing himself, unsure if he was doing the right thing. Matt seemed more than happy to tell him and, besides, it was pretty clear anyway.  
  
“Missed you,” Matt whispered, his breath ghosting along Julian’s ear, making him shudder. His hands slipped into Julian’s jeans and he let his hand fall back against the sofa, his eyes falling shut.  
  
When the door banged open he felt like he’d been electrocuted. Matt slid off him and back onto the sofa, while Julian tried to fasten his jeans. Noel was stood in the doorway, his eyes wide and face pale. Julian regretted giving him a key. He’d known at the time Noel would use it as an excuse to pop over uninvited.  
  
“Fucking hell, Noel,” he groused, his embarrassment morphing into anger, “knock would you?”  
  
Noel was opening and closing his mouth as though trying and failing to form words. Julian would have found it amusing any other time; he’d never seen Noel lost for words. He wasn’t sure why he was looking quite so scandalised either, it wasn’t the first time they’d walked in on each other in compromising situations. They usually laughed it off, but Noel had been weird about Matt ever since Julian had let it slip. He couldn’t quite believe that Noel was a homophobe, but there weren’t many other explanations for it.  
  
“Sorry,” Noel managed eventually, still staring wide-eyed and voice high. “I didn’t know… I thought…”  
  
“What do you want?” Julian snapped, he wanted to stand up, but although the interruption had mostly killed the moment, he didn’t want Noel to see how affected he still was.  
  
“Nothing,” Noel all but squeaked. For a moment it looked like his eyes were shining, but then he was grinning. “Sorry to barge in, that is well embarrassing. I was just dropping off the costumes.” He held up a plastic bag. “I’ll just leave you boys to it.” He did a jaunty little salute before spinning on his heel and fleeing the flat.  
  
Matt sighed dramatically. "You'd better go after him."  
  
Julian frowned. "What? Why?"  
  
"Oh Jules," he sighed. "It's a good thing you're so pretty because you wouldn't get anywhere with those brains. Now be a good boy and chase after him before you lose yourself a comedy partner."   
  
Julian considered refusing, but the moment between them was gone and Matt was just going to keep on at him if he stayed. He heaved himself to his feet before heading out after Noel. He wondered if he was going to have to jog to catch him, but Noel was still in the hallway outside his door. He was standing perfectly still, staring ahead with a frown on his face. Julian stopped abruptly, startled, before pulling the door to the flat closed behind him.  
  
“Noel,” he said.  
  
Noel’s head jerked up, his eyes wide. Julian thought he caught a pained look before a smile spread over his face. “Alright?”  
  
Julian frowned, it not being his idea to follow Noel, he wasn’t sure what he ought to do now. “I’m sorry about that,” he said, gesturing vaguely behind him. He wasn’t sure what he was apologising for, but he’d found it was often a good starting point when he wasn’t sure of the correct thing to say next.  
  
“No worries,” Noel said, slowly. “It’s my fault for barging in. I should have knocked.”  
  
“Yeah,” Julian said, because Noel had a point. He ran a hand over the back of his head and wondered what he should do next. There was an odd tension and Matt’s words were ringing in his ears.  
  
“Are you…” Noel said and then stopped. He looked down at his shoes. “Are you two getting back together, then?”  
  
Julian was so shocked at the question he didn’t know what to say. It had never even occurred to him as a possibility. Nor was it what he assumed Noel would ask.   
  
Noel obviously took his silence for confirmation. He nodded, not meeting Julian’s eyes. “I mean, that’s cool,” he said. “Matt’s great and he obviously loves you and I know you like playing music with him.”  
  
Julian frowned, wondering how he should jump in and interrupt him. Noel had never felt the need to comment on any of his other partners. The idea that it might be because Matt was a man lingered, a thread he didn’t want to pull, but there weren’t many other options. “Would it bother you?” he asked in the end.  
  
Noel looked up at him, looking terrified.  
  
Julian rushed on, suddenly certain he didn’t want to know what he was about to say. “I mean, I know people would talk but it’s not hurt Matt and Dave has it? Besides, you’re with Dee, I don’t think people would think you’re…” He trailed off, starting to feel a bit angry at the situation but not wanting to have an argument either.  
  
“No! That’s not…” Noel said, still not meeting his eyes. “Of course it doesn’t matter. I don’t care what people think. If you’re happy, that’s great.” He bit his lip. “I just think… I mean, he didn’t want to come to London, and I thought that’s why you broke up. And you said that he was always trying to get you to come back to Leeds.”  
  
“We’re not…” Julian sighed, wondering if that was what it was. Noel thought Matt was going to lure him out of London and away from the Boosh. It made sense, even though he couldn’t really believe Noel thought there was a real chance of that happening. “We’re not getting back together,” he said in the end. “It’s just…” he stopped, not really sure how to explain it. “We’re not getting back together.”  
  
Noel looked up at him, very nearly meeting his eyes, before looking at the floor again. “No?”  
  
“No,” Julian confirmed. “He’s going home tomorrow. Why don’t you come over and we can work on the script?”  
  
Noel grinned a bit. “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, we can try on those costumes and see where we are.” Julian felt oddly deflated at discovering the cause of Noel’s strange reaction. It was business. Of course it was.

He’d smiled and promised to call after Matt was gone and Noel had grinned at him before leaving. He’d felt irritable and sad for the rest of the day.

^^^^  
  
Looking back, standing in Noel’s studio with the knowledge of everything that would happen from that moment, Julian wondered how much he’d failed to see. He’d thought he’d understood the jealousy and insecurity, but now he wasn’t sure. He wondered how much of themselves they’d kept back over the years. He’d always thought Noel wore his heart on his sleeve, but then he’d forgotten one important aspect of Noel’s personality.  
  
Noel was a born people pleaser, which was just as well, because Julian knew he was pretty hard to please most of the time. There had been a few people that tried to not mind Julian’s moods, to not care that he was sometimes rude and aggressive when he was nervous or insecure. But Noel was the only one it really never seemed to matter to. He’d spent years rounding off some of Julian’s sharper edges through sheer force of unrelenting enthusiasm and kindness. Julia had joked often enough that it was Noel she had to thank for housebreaking him for a real relationship, not any of his previous romantic partners.   
  
“Thank you,” he whispered, reaching out to touch Noel’s arm gently.  
  
Noel looked up at him, a question in his eyes. “For what?”  
  
“For everything,” he said. “For the last twenty years.”  
  
Noel’s face softened and he smiled brilliantly. “Any time.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know how to be with you in front of people. We haven't done that yet and I don't know the rules."
> 
> Julian's face seemed to execute some very complicated gymnastics as he listened to Noel. He couldn't make them all out but he landed on amused which, while a bit annoying, was certainly not the worst outcome. "The rules?"
> 
> "Yeah, for being with a bloke." He really meant for being with Julian, but he didn't think that would go down well.
> 
> "There isn't a gay handbook," Julian said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ end or start of a flashback. 
> 
> We're nearing the home stretch now my friends. Hope you enjoy the last of ride.

**Chapter Eight**  
  
“I’m not sure,” Julian said slowly, looking at Steve over the table.  
  
“It’s a good deal,” Steve said, he looked Julian firmly in the eye. Years of business deals made him firm even when discussing money with friends.  
  
“It’s not what we need to make the script,” Julian said. His voice was low but firm. Noel could tell he was getting ready to dig in.  
  
Noel was quietly amazed they’d managed to find the backing they already had. He’d only seen second-hand the process of raising funds for movies, but he knew how hard it was. He’d been prepared to accept the offer when they’d seen it, but he wasn’t going to disagree with Julian. Besides, he was right, they’d have to make some big changes if they were going to make the film with the budget on the table.  
  
“It’s been a struggle to get that,” Steve said, he didn’t seem bothered by the push-back, he’d probably worked with Julian long enough to expect it.  
  
“Well,” Julian said, “we need to struggle more. We wrote the script we want to make. We’re not going to make just anything.”  
  
Noel nodded. Julian was right, but it still made something coil in his stomach at the thought of it all going away. But he knew this mood. Julian wasn’t backing down. His constant need to do better wouldn’t let him.

That was Julian. He was never really happy. It was both the most annoying and compelling thing about him. Julian’s general dissatisfaction was what had propelled them forward. It was why they’d made a stage show when Channel 4 rejected their script, why they’d made a radio show when the BBC said no. Why they’d done a festival and a book. Noel was grateful for it. But it was bloody hard work sometimes. Mostly because it seemed to fall to him to lift Julian when he suddenly decided that he’d failed at something. He always had impossible standards. Ones that he fully expected he would fail to meet, he was so sure of it that he’d make himself fail if Noel wasn’t there to stop him.

^^^^  
  
That particular personality quirk was why Julian hadn’t looked pleased when he’d told Noel that he was going to be in a pilot for a TV show made by Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker. Instead, he’d looked uncomfortable and a bit guilty, even though Noel had known he was auditioning for it. He’d shifted, his eyes not settling on anything. “I’m only a small bit-part, really. It’s about Shoreditch and they need someone to be the bad guy,” he’d said, his mouth hardly moving to accommodate the words.  
  
Noel had nodded and tried to look pleased. “That sounds brilliant, you’re going to be amazing.” He’d pulled him into a hug to try and avoid having to look at him or say anything else.  
  
Julian hadn’t looked any happier when he pulled back. He’d played with his jacket. “I can… I’m sure there’s a role for you too,” Julian had said after a moment. He was always doing that, showing clearly that he wanted to do things that were just for him and not about the Boosh and then at the last moment trying to make it about them again. “I’m going to be rubbish anyway,” he said when Noel couldn’t think of a single thing to say. “They’ll probably drop me before it gets picked up. Or, I’ll be so terrible that it doesn’t get picked up at all.”  
  
“No,” Noel said, feeling the familiar need to protect Julian, even if it was from himself. “You’ll be the best thing in it. They’ll love you and give you an even bigger part. You’ll see.”  
  
“I don’t,” Julian said, looking a bit helpless. “We can still… I mean, we can still write the second series and you should be in the show too – I can talk to Chris.”  
  
Noel didn’t know what to say. He desperately wanted there to be another series of the Boosh, but he wasn’t going to stop Julian from pursuing acting. It’s all he’d been talking about, he wanted to show he could do more than be in silly comedies, and Chris Morris would write something that bridged the two. He nodded and gave Julian a kiss on the cheek to show he wasn’t upset. He was always doing that. Trying too hard to show he wasn’t feeling something in order to protect Julian. He should find it annoying, but it seemed to be baked into his DNA; protect Julian and make him happy. It was like his factory settings, even when doing it made Noel miserable. “Yeah,” he said, when he was certain he could control his voice enough to sound like he meant it. “That’d be genius.”  
  
They had made the pilot. Even Noel had been able to see Julian was the best thing about it. Nick was great, but he couldn’t carry the whole show, he just didn’t make the audience root for him to either fail or succeed. So, when Chris and Charlie reworked it so Julian was the lead, Noel had laughed and told them it was a genius idea. It was, Julian could spend twenty minutes being a complete arse but the moment he pulled his kicked puppy look, you felt instantly sorry for him. He was the perfect foil for the story they were trying to tell.  
  
Julian continued to play the whole thing down, pointing out the show was still called Nathan Barley and that he just had more lines to show how good the rest of the cast was. Noel hung around and took Chris out to gigs and tried to make himself feel like he was part of the process. He got a role playing a crazy DJ with few enough lines that no one would be able to see he wasn’t really an actor, but they could still cash in on saying The Mighty Boosh were part of the show.  
  
He’d spent the whole time anxious and unsettled. He could see how good Julian was in the role and how funny the show was. He could see the future he had planned out slipping away. Julian was going to become a proper actor; he was handsome and compelling and writers loved giving him things to do. Noel watched Charlie and Chris grow more and more excited about making Julian say their lines and giving him bigger emotional arcs to play with. Noel wasn’t sure what he was going to do when Julian said he didn’t want to write a second series of the Boosh. He didn’t have a back-up plan. He was pretty established on the comedy scene, but he didn’t want to go back to doing solo work and he didn’t have the clout to get another TV show made on his own. Perhaps the rest of the Boosh would still want to do something with just him. It wouldn’t be the same, but he didn’t want to go back to being alone on stage.  
  
He didn’t tell Julian any of his fears. Julian was too stressed during the whole process, looking anxious and sad rather than like someone who was getting his big break. He was so in his head that Noel was scared he was going to mess it up for himself. While he didn’t want to lose him, he also couldn’t bear the thought of Julian having to come back to him because he’d failed. It would break him and Noel would do anything to not have that happen. So, he hung around the set even when he wasn’t needed, trying to will Julian to relax. It seemed to help a bit, so he set up camp around the place, milling about and making friends. It was a nice set; Chris and Charlie were a bit intense, but that just seemed to make everyone feel like they might be making something really good.  
  
He knew Julian was actually really good, and not just because Noel thought everything Julian did was brilliant, but because everyone on set seemed to think the same thing. Even people that were clearly going be huge stars themselves, like Ben Whishaw, hung off his every word. Ben was dainty and fragile looking, but clearly beautiful and artistic in a way that Noel had always thought only people in stories were. Noel was always a bit too boisterous and prone to falling over and giggling to be properly artistic in a romantic and interesting way. Ben followed Julian around after their scenes, talking about acting and Noel would try and pretend he didn’t care, hadn’t even noticed. But it made his heart beat faster in his chest and his voice louder and more obnoxious. Looking back, that’s when he’d really started going out more. He’d wanted to expand his friendship circles and not feel like everything always had to be about Julian. It didn’t work any better than it had in later years, but at least it was fun and didn’t seem to piss Julian off.  
  
The night it aired, Noel insisted that they threw a big party to celebrate. He invited everyone he knew, despite Julian’s protests. Julian had started drinking about midday. Noel was trying to set a celebratory vibe, but Julian was resisting, looking increasingly anxious and sad as the day went on. Noel’s living room was crowded by the time it aired, people sitting on every available surface. Noel sat at the front, determined not to show anyone his face.  
  
Julian got up about five minutes in and left the room. Noel only hesitated for a moment before he got up to follow him. He walked around his flat for a few minutes before confirming that Julian really wasn’t there and heading out. He found him on the doorstep, smoking and looking like he’d just been sentenced to death.  
  
“Ju,” Noel said gently, sitting down next to him. “Ju, it’s really brilliant.” He kept his voice low, like Julian was a wounded animal. He didn’t respond, just continued to smoke and stare ahead. “Everyone is saying how great you are. They even think you look good with that stupid long hair.”  
  
Julian’s lips quirked at the jab, which gave Noel the confidence to edge toward him. He put a hand on his arm and when it wasn’t shrugged off, he gave it a gentle squeeze.  
  
“This time next year, you’re going to have a hundred movie offers and your choice of TV roles,” he said. It was his greatest fear, but he’d face it if it made Julian look less sad.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re watching,” Julian said suddenly. “I look so stupid, why am I doing so many expressions all the time? I look like I’m on coke.”  
  
Noel edged closer, so he was pressed as close to him as he could get. “You look brilliant. Everyone’s going to see how great you are, they’re all going to fall in love with you. Chris and Charlie are going to write you a hundred new shows. Trust me, I know when something is going to be a cult hit.”

“A cult hit?” Julian smiled a little, loving the opportunity to take mock offence, he found it easier to pretend to be arrogant than insecure.  
  
“Yeah, course,” Noel said. “It’s well weird, but people are going to love it and not know why.”  
  
“I hate looking at myself on screen,” Julian said like he was admitting to something dreadful.  
  
“Of course,” Noel said, nudging him. “Only arseholes and narcissists like seeing themselves on TV.”  
  
“You love it,” Julian said with another small smile.  
  
“Exactly,” Noel said. “But then, that’s mostly because I’m looking at how good my hair looks, I don’t care if I can act or not.”  
  
“What if…” Julian started but then stopped, taking a vicious drag from his cigarette. “What if it fails because I fucked it up?”  
  
Noel pulled Julian into an awkward one armed hug. It was stupid of him to have arranged a party, he realised. He’d just wanted to dilute his own reaction, his own fear of being left behind, with other people. He hadn’t realised Julian would react like this, but he should have. He’d seen the way he was all through the process, he should have known. “You haven’t,” he whispered, pressing a kiss you his hair. “It’s really brilliant and everyone will think so. Did you not see the way everyone was hanging off you on set? Ben was ready to suck you off at the wrap party because you were so good.”  
  
He was trying to make a joke, but it sounded like he was annoyed.  
  
Julian looked up at him, his eyes miserable and hazy from the alcohol. “He didn’t,” he said. He gave Noel a hard look, like he was considering something. “I didn’t want him to,” he said, like he was qualifying his statement.  
  
Noel smiled. “I know, you berk,” he said. “I just mean he fancied you because you’re all serious and a good actor.”  
  
“I don’t,” Julian said, his voice wobbly and slurred. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”  
  
“You’re the star of a brilliant TV show and you’re going to be well famous,” Noel said firmly. “Just don’t forget me when your name’s in lights.” He tried to make it into a joke, but he suspected he sounded as worried as he felt. He was grateful Julian was wasted and in his own head.  
  
“I’ll never forget you,” Julian said. “You’re the only thing that makes me feel…” He looked up at Noel again. “You make me feel…” He gave up and buried his head in Noel’s neck, his eyes closed. “I don’t feel so exposed when you’re here,” he whispered into Noel’s skin. “Don’t leave me.”  
  
“You don’t leave me,” Noel said back. He tugged Julian closer.  
  
Julian didn’t respond, just left his head on Noel’s shoulder until someone pulled open a window to shout that they’d missed the entire episode.  
  
It wasn’t a commercial success, but the critics all seemed to pick out Julian’s performance as exceptional. It seemed everywhere they went, people asked about it. Julian answered questions about it like he was embarrassed or annoyed it had been brought up. But Noel knew he was proud of the series, if not people’s assumption that Dan was based on Julian. It was one of the few times Julian got asked a direct question that wasn’t about the Boosh and Noel. He still stuttered and didn’t really know what to say, but Noel could tell he was pleased. Sometimes Noel joined in and told stories about hanging around the set. He wasn’t sure why, but he wanted people to know that he’d been involved too. Perhaps wanting to show Julian wasn’t cheating on him with another show. Or maybe just because he was jealous of Julian getting the attention. After one particularly rambling response where he’d butted into a Nathan Barley question, Julian muttered, “That one was for me,” to him. Noel couldn’t work out if he was being admonished for interrupting and making it about him, or if it was just a joke or if Julian was actually proudly pointing out that someone was interested in his work. But after that, Noel tried to keep quiet when it was brought up, only making some gentle jokes about the show or Julian’s responses.

^^^^  
  
Noel had learned over the years to trust Julian, even, or perhaps especially, when he didn’t trust himself. He wasn’t about the change that. He leaned forward in his chair, taking Julian’s hand firmly in his under the table. “We’re not taking it,” he said. He met Steve’s eye firmly. “Julian’s right. We can get more money, we just need to hold our nerve.”  
  
Steve paused, leaned back in his chair with a sigh. Then he smiled. “Alright boys,” he said slowly. “I’ll see what I can do.”  
  
Julian let out a breath and looked at Noel with gratitude. He’d freak out on the way back home and decide they’d made a mistake, but Noel wasn’t going to let him call Steve and tell him that. He’d hold firm for both of them because Julian’s instincts and his will power were enough to get them to the O2 and they were damn well going to get them a movie.

***

The newspaper was trash. He knew that. It had pages to fill. He'd read stories about him and his friends that he knew for a fact were completely fabricated. He knew that. Everyone knew that. But he couldn't stop staring at the small article and picture. He didn't even know why he'd picked it up at the newsagents, other than he was curious about how Bake Off was being hyped. Then he'd seen the article and was buying the paper and bringing it home despite knowing he shouldn't.  
  
He'd lost count of the times he'd seen pictures of Noel looking like that. His eyes unfocused, eye makeup smudged and a grin still on his face as he fell out of a club. Always clinging to a beautiful woman or interesting guy. This particular woman was blonde. Thin. Young. Julian was fairly certain that he knew her. One of Noel's many friends.  
  
The article was the usual sort of copy that went with those photos. All references to 'close pals' and 'partying together'. It was even complete with a quote from a 'friend'. Apparently Noel was worried about Bake Off and she was comforting him.  
  
It made something coil in his stomach uncomfortably. It was so reminiscent of the end of the Boosh that it made him feel a bit desperate. It wasn't like Noel hadn't told him he was was going out. He'd called him before he left, already giggling and excited. He hadn't seen him since; Noel had been in the studio painting and he'd needed to finish a voiceover. But now the silence from Noel seemed almost ominous. He was sure nothing happened. But, then, they'd actually never talked about it. Maybe Noel didn't think they were exclusive. It wasn't like he'd seemed to feel the need to be monogamous with his other partners.  
  
Maybe Julian was an idiot for thinking it would be different with him. Maybe he was an idiot for thinking he'd be enough for Noel. Maybe he was just an idiot. That would make sense.  
  
Noel was meant be coming over soon and he knew he needed to shake his mood before that or there was going to be a fight. But his thoughts kept chasing themselves around and around, his mood circling the drain the longer he silently brooded over it. Julia had tried to ask what his problem was before she left with the boys but he didn't know how to voice it. The idea of everyone knowing how stupid he'd been was humiliating.  
  
By the time Noel was knocking on the door he was terrified and furious. He opened the door and walked away, leaving Noel to trail in behind him.  
  
"You alright?" Noel said, already picking up on his weird mood.  
  
He couldn't even form words so he sort of grunted. All his thoughts from the morning were swirling around his head and he didn't know how to form any words to express them. He wanted to have a conversation. He desperately wanted Noel to tell him he was being stupid and give him a hug. But what if he couldn't tell him he was being stupid? What if he really was sleeping with other people?  
  
"What's up, Ju?" Noel said again, he was frowning now and stepping toward him.  
  
Suddenly terrified, he stepped back out of his way. "I bought the paper today," he managed finally.  
  
Noel's frown deepened as Julian gestured to the table. Noel followed his hand with his eyes. It was folded open at the article. He let out of huff of laughter. "Oh God," he said. "I look bloody awful in that photo. That's so embarrassing."  
  
"It says you're sleeping with her." His voice sounded weird: distorted and high. It was like he wasn't even part of the conversation, he felt like a bystander as the words formed and left his mouth of their own accord.  
  
Noel stopped dead. His face morphing from amused to serious and then very quickly to annoyed. "What the hell are you on about?"  
  
"It says you're sleeping with her," he said again. It wasn't a question and he wasn't sure what he wanted Noel to even say.  
  
"It's a tabloid, Julian. I'm apparently sleeping with half of London," he said, his voice flat. "Is there something you want to ask me?"  
  
Julian's heart was hammering in his chest. His head was screaming at him that Noel wasn't denying it. That was his style, after all, he always made it Julian's fault. Made Julian be the one to leave. "I don't know," he said. His voice was hard and angry and not quivering and scared like he expected it to be. "Is there something to tell?"  
  
"For fuck’s sake, really?" Noel exploded, throwing his hands up. "Are you kidding me? Are we actually having this conversation? She's a friend, and no, I'm not sleeping with her. I cannot believe you're actually asking me that!"  
  
Julian should have felt relieved but he had gone beyond even the article itself and into a spiral of vague paranoid fear. "How am I meant to know?" He shot back. "You don't tell me you're out with her and I didn't speak to you after. It's like ten years ago, all over again."  
  
"Oh fuck off," Noel huffed. "I went out once and it's not my fault they took a photo of me and made up a story. I like being out. You're being ridiculous."  
  
It wasn't like Noel was wrong, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from speaking. "No," he said. "This is about you still acting like you're in your twenties. I'm not doing that. I thought we were... I thought we were actually going to do things differently this time."  
  
Noel gaped at him. "I literally have no idea what you're talking about. Are you threatening to break up with me over a bloody article in the Sun?"  
  
Julian barely heard him. "You need to decide if you're actually in this," he said, feeling tension rise in his chest. "You need to choose because I'm not going to wait around like last time. I'm too bloody old for it. I don't care what you choose but you need to do it."  
  
Noel made an outraged sound. "You don't care what I choose?" he demanded, taking a step forward.  
  
"That's not what I meant and you know it," he said, shaking his head, frustration coiling in his stomach.  
  
"I don't know what you mean, to be honest," Noel said, his voice rising in frustration. "Because as far I can see you've gone fucking mad - it's a tabloid, Julian. You know she's a friend of mine. You know I wouldn't lie. If I was fucking her I'd tell you. And you know that. So, I've got to ask why you're manufacturing something out of this. Because if you want me to leave, I will."  
  
Julian deflated, the anger draining from him, leaving him feeling sad and a bit hopeless. He took a deep breath and was embarrassed when it hitched. "I'm sorry," he breathed. "I know... I don't... I don't know what's wrong with me." He shook his head and took an aborted step towards Noel, wanting to reach out to him but not knowing how. He let out another breath, and his anger went with it, leaving behind a gnawing sort of sadness. "I just don't want this to go away," he whispered in the end, trying to put words to the fear coiled in his chest. He looked up, worried about what he might find in Noel's face.  
  
But it had already morphed from anger into something sweet and compassionate. "Oh Ju," he said, moving to him and bringing him into a tight hug. "I don't want it to go away either."  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered again. "I don't know what I'm doing. I just keep thinking how good it is and... we're so close to finally getting to be able to be open. I just keep thinking it's about to go wrong."  
  
Noel pulled back to look him in the eye. "Ju," he said softly. "Just because it's good it doesn't mean it's going to go away. You deserve something good. All the good things."  
  
Relief flooded through him. Noel understood the crux of it. He pulled him close. "I'm going to suck at this," he said, because it was true and he didn't know what else to say to make it better.  
  
"I know," Noel said, his head resting on Julian's chest. "But so am I." He was silent for a moment. "I'll always leave my hair products all over the bathroom and I'm never on time," he said softly, like he was confessing something secret. "Sometimes I'm aggressive and overly confrontational when I'm scared."  
  
Julian held him tighter, the fear in his chest ebbing at his words. "I'm neurotic and jealous about things I'm scared of losing."  
  
"I'm jealous about people taking your attention when I'm in the room. I hate it when other men touch you."  
  
Julian huffed a laugh. "I'm not very exciting - I'm scared you'll get bored of me."  
  
Noel looked up at him. "I'm desperate for someone who just wants to be at home with me. It sometimes feels like I'm being crushed with the weight of people wanting Vince Noir."  
  
Julian nodded. "I love you."  
  
Noel tucked his head under Julian's chin again. "I know, you Northern plonker. I know you do and I love you too. It's going to be fine. We spent nearly thirty years trying to find each other. We won't get lost again. I won't let us."  
  
Julian believed him.  
  
***

Noel stopped outside the door, feeling shy. On the other side Rich, Dave and Mike were already chatting loudly. He could almost make out the conversation, broken up by loud bouts of laughter. It felt like he was about to open a time portal back ten years.

Only everything would be different. Julian would be his boyfriend this time. He couldn't quite wrap his head around what that might be like. He hoped it would be good, that it would make everything less tense and weird. But he was also aware that it might be worse. He knew how bad the pressure of making something you'd written could get. It was only rehearsals, but he could already map the moods they'd both go through as it progressed. The fights they would definitely have, both with each other and with everyone else involved. Relationships had dissolved over less. He didn't know what he'd do if meant he and Julian didn't work out. If it killed what had grown between them.

Things had been so good since the fight about the Sun article. Julian seemed to have relaxed and Noel had seen a whole new side to him. A gentle, caring, loving side that he'd only seen glimpses of before. They'd developed an ease with each other he wasn't sure they'd ever had before. Even when their whole lives were wrapped around each other, there had always been walls between them. Now, he felt free. Julian smiled easily and was so open in his affection that Noel was giddy with it. He'd always imagined that once he finally got Julian to himself his need to be near him would dissipate. But, if anything, it was worse. He literally couldn't seem to get enough.

They were still busy and Julian was firm about spending as many nights at home as possible so Noel was still left feeling like he wanted more. But when they were together it was amazing. He'd always suspected that Julian would be a good boyfriend if he just let himself. And he was. He was attentive and caring. They had always been tactile and that seemed to have transferred to being into a relationship. He was so happy that it was making him nervous.

The idea of rocking the delicate balance they'd managed to find scared him. He didn't think he could bear it if it all went away. He desperately wanted to do the film but he wasn't sure it would be worth losing Julian over. Not again.

"Come on, little man," Julian said, coming up behind him and placing a hand on his back, "they're waiting."

Noel nodded but didn't move. Julian paused, his hand still resting gently on his lower back. It was soothing and he didn't want to dislodge it.

He remembered when Julian first started touching him, how he'd freeze, holding himself in uncomfortable positions. He was always afraid to move in case Julian noticed that he was touching him and let go. Even when they were on stage, he'd try to hold himself so as not to dislodge Julian. He learned quickly that even the slightest show of rejection on his part, even perceived, could lead to weeks of Julian being distant until Noel cajoled his way back into his personal space. It had got better as the years went on, but Noel was still hypersensitive about not shrugging off any touches from Julian.

"Are you okay?" Julian said softly. He slouched further down, trying to catch Noel's eye.

Noel bit his lip and resisted the urge to fiddle with his hair. He shrugged, not sure how to put his mood into words.

"First day of school fear?" Julian said, he was smiling sweetly at him, his eyes soft and warm. Genuine concern was hidden just under the teasing note in his voice.

"I guess," he said and shrugged again. "I don't..." he started and stopped, feeling stupid. "This is going to be really hard on us and I don't want..."

"Hey," Julian said, seeming to realise Noel was genuinely worried. "Come on," he muttered and tugged him into a hug.

"I don't want us to fall out again like last time." He whispered the confession into Julian's chest. It was easier to say when he wasn't looking at him.

"Me neither," Julian muttered. "But it's not like last time. We're going to fight and we're going to disagree, but that doesn't mean it has to affect us. When we go home, we can just leave it all here."

"Just like that?" Noel asked, enjoying being coddled even if it made him a bit embarrassed.

"Just like that," Julian agreed. "It'll all disappear as soon as we walk out the room or off the set."

Noel grinned up at him. "Promise?"

Julian smiled indulgently down at him. "Promise."

Noel nodded, wanting to let it go but he couldn't shake the idea that they'd be leaving behind something when they went into the room. "They all know," he said slowly, still trying to articulate his fears. "About us."

They hadn't really been around other people as a couple. It felt like something secret and precious was about to be put out on display. Noel wasn't generally bothered by people seeing him with his partners, but he knew Julian found it uncomfortable to be exposed. They hadn't talked about it. Was he allowed to hold Julian's hand? Kiss him? Allude to the fact they were together?

Julian frowned down at him. "Does that bother you?" he asked slowly.

"No," he said firmly. "But I don't know... What are we meant to do now?"

Julian's frown deepened. "About what?"

"I don't know..." Noel fidgeted, ruffling his hair. "I'm not sure how to act around you now." He felt stupid as soon as he said it, but he desperately wanted Julian to answer him.

"How do you mean?" Julian said, slowly, like he was aware that they were entering uncharted territory.

"I've not been your..." he trailed off. They hadn't discussed labels and now was not the time. "I don't know how to be with you in front of people. We haven't done that yet and I don't know the rules."

Julian's face seemed to execute some very complicated gymnastics as he listened to Noel. He couldn't make them all out but he landed on amused which, while a bit annoying, was certainly not the worst outcome. "The rules?"

"Yeah, for being with a bloke." He really meant for being with Julian, but he didn't think that would go down well.

"There isn't a gay handbook," Julian said. "Or at least, I wasn't given one when I started seeing Matt. Maybe he kept it from me."

"I bet he did," Noel said, "he was always a tight git, he probably kept it for himself or sold it on eBay."

Julian chuckled. "Probably got a pretty penny for it too."

"Yeah and spent it on shit shoes." Noel was mostly trying to get Julian to laugh but he also enjoyed taking the piss out of Matt. Time hadn't seemed to heal the jealousy any.

Julian laughed outright. "Probably. Look," he said. "You should just do whatever feels comfortable. I'm not going to pressure you. Nothing has to change in how we interact."

"But I want it to!" Noel felt petulant and silly but he couldn't help it. "I want to hold your hand and kiss you if I feel like it."

A smile crept over Julian's face followed by a blush. It made Noel smile. "Well, that's okay. If you want to."

"Okay," Noel said feeling better. He took a deep breath and gave Julian a quick peck on the cheek before stepping back. "Let's go."

When he opened the door and stepped inside the others looked up immediately and they were met with cries of various amounts of enthusiasm. Noel felt the last of his fear evaporate.

"Alright?" he asked with a grin.

"About bloody time," Dave said, with a grin. "I thought you'd changed your minds or something."

"Never," Noel said. "I just wanted to make sure I made a grand entrance. Alright Paul?” he added, spotting him for the first time.

He pulled him into a hug, feeling unaccountably pleased he was there. There'd been a few weeks where it looked like they might not be able to get him on board. He was making bigger and bigger movies now and as such was incredibly busy. But, they'd managed to shift things around and Paul had insisted another project he was working on be delayed. It meant rehearsals were happening a bit before production but Noel was just relieved to have them at all. "Thanks for doing this," he said when he pulled back.

"Of course!" he said. "I wouldn't have it any other way. Hi Julian," he finished, looking over Noel's shoulder with a grin.

Julian pulled him into a hug, apparently having done the rounds with everyone else. "Good to see you," he said.

Noel grinned, joy fizzing in his chest at finally having everyone in one place. It felt like it might burst out of his chest at any moment. He couldn't stop smiling.

"Alright," Paul said, actually clapping his hands together and everything. "Maybe we should get on with it? Start at the beginning? A read through?"

"Check out Mr Bossman," Noel said, even as he pulled out his copy of the script and made his was over to the table that had been set up for them.

It was a testament to the fact they'd held out for more money. Someone had arranged for drinks and food to be set up around the room and there were assistants milling around. All friends, basically, that they'd worked with before, but it was a far cry from their early days. Of lugging their props across London on the tube and cramming themselves into Paul's tiny car to go to gigs.

Julian had spent a few frantic weeks setting up meetings and arguing with various people on the phone to secure a bigger budget. Noel had taken it upon himself to look after Julian and make sure he relaxed. That meant food and sex, which also happened to be his favourite things too. He also went to various meetings to show they were a united front and make sure Julian wasn't outnumbered. The process was simultaneously stressful and boring. But he knew Julian secretly loved it. It was flexing his intellect to negotiate and plan. Once the money was, theoretically, confirmed they both instantly relaxed. It was a major obstacle overcome, but at the same time it felt oddly unsatisfying. The movie wasn't actually any further forward and Noel was relieved when they could start rehearsals and get Rich over for a few weeks. It all felt a bit more real now they were all in a room together.

He watched, his smile huge as they kicked off the table read. Usually when they had rehearsals it was actually planning out content. They'd always found it easier to work on material with other people. It brought the ideas to life better and they had a better sense of what worked. Having an actual script was a real novelty and it made them both feel more confident, knowing they could hone and sharpen up the material over the next couple of weeks.

The aim was to try and make it through the whole script without interruptions to get a feel for the flow. It was a pipe dream. Everyone was too hyped up to be together to go more than a couple of lines without cracking jokes or making suggestions.

He pressed his leg firmly against Julian's as they went through, wanting to feel closer to him. Wanting to share the moment. Julian looked over at him and smiled. Noel thought he'd mapped all of Julian's smiles over the years. He knew the one that meant he was proud, the one that was faked for outsiders, the one that was indulging Noel in a flight of fancy. But this one had been new. It was intimate. Genuine pleasure at being with him. Love. The thought made him almost giddy and he had to look away. But he couldn't stop the grin splitting his face.

As they worked on, Julian pointed out a few places they'd need to come back to. One of these times, he suggested removing a scene altogether.

"I think we'll end up dropping it anyway," he said. "It's not important because Naboo says basically the same thing the next scene anyway."

"I'm not sure," Noel said, leaning over and squeezing Julian's arm. "I really like Howard's bit, we could extend it a bit, maybe work up that crimp about football."

Julian smiled at him. "Yeah, okay. You're right. Maybe we need Vince to interrupt and move things on?"

"Yeah, maybe," he said. "You said that really funny thing the other day about it, what was it..." He pulled out his notebook and began flipping through. He'd taken to carrying it around with him wherever he went. He wasn't always sure when he and Julian would come up with something and he hated forgetting things.

"About pencil cases?" Julian asked, peering at Noel's scrawling notes.

"Oh my God," Dave said, suddenly. When Noel looked up at him he was staring at them, surprised and a bit awed looking.  
  
"What?" Noel asked, feeling self-conscious.  
  
"You're really back," he said, he was looking between them like he'd seen a ghost. "This is really happening."

Noel looked around the table and noticed everyone was looking at them intently and there was an odd mood in the room. He wasn't sure if it was because Dave had mentioned the elephant in the room - the disaster of the last time they worked together - or because they were all actually surprised. Maybe they'd expected them to have been exaggerating about how happy they were. He'd almost forgotten how doomed the project had felt to him when they started it. And the others hadn't been there to see how much they'd changed over the last few months.

He didn't know what to say. He looked at Julian who was now looking a bit uncomfortable himself. "Well," he said slowly, "of course it is."

"I know," Julian started and coughed awkwardly. "I know that last time was hard on everyone. But we really do think this could be special." Julian was blushing slightly but Noel knew that he felt obligated to be the dad in these situations. To make people feel better. "We're really grateful that you're all here."

"Yeah," Noel agreed. He took Julian's hand without thinking about it, wanting to comfort him. "Thanks guys."

"Okay good," Paul said, already uncomfortable with the feelings chat. "Shall we go on?" His eyes tracked to where their hands were joined on the table. Noel belatedly realised that they hadn't told him they were together. He wondered what he made of the gesture.

"Noely and Julian are getting married!" Rich cried. "It's so beautiful."

"I'm gonna be sick," Mike muttered, slouching down in his chair.

Dave tried to kick him under the table but couldn't quite reach. It didn't stop Mike trying to kick him back and there was some scuffling until Paul called them back to attention. "Right." He said, his eyes going back to Noel and Julian's hands on the table. Julian was running his thumb across Noel's knuckles now and Noel wondered if he knew he was even doing it. "Let's get on with it, shall we?" he said, pointedly looking at the script and clearing his throat before reading aloud.

Noel grinned over at Julian who looked up at him with a smile of his own.

"Seriously," Mike said, "if they don't stop making eyes at each other I'm going to need a sick bag or at least a bin."

"I'll put you in a bin if you don't shut it," Noel said, trying to stifle a grin.

Mike threw a balled up page of script at his head. There ensued a fight that lasted at least ten minutes while Paul tried unsuccessfully to get their attention. Noel called it a successful rehearsal.

***

 

The buzzing slowly brought him awake. Julian blinked as his hand groped for his phone. He squinted at the screen for a few moments trying to focus on the writing. Fielding. Noel had recently added a unicorn emoji after the name. It usually made him want to smile when he saw it, but it was three in the morning and Noel was calling him. A cold feeling of dread trickled down his spine.

"Noel?" he said, bringing the phone to his ear. At first he thought it was a pocket dial, he could hear the sounds of London at night loudly in the background but nothing else. He was about to hang up when he caught something else over the line, a hitch of breath. "Noel?" he asked again, feeling a bit panicked.

"Julian?" Noel's voice was small and tinny sounding. "I'm sorry."

Julian sat up and turned on the light by his bed. "Are you okay? What's happened?" His heart was starting to hammer in his chest. Something was wrong, he recognised that tone. He had most of them memorised and that one meant Noel was upset.

There was a long pause. "I want to go home," Noel said. He sounded far away and small. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not meant to call when I'm out but I... I don't know where... I don't like it here."

Julian was swinging his legs out of bed without thinking about it. "Where are you?"

"A club," Noel said. "I said I didn't want..." He mumbled something that Julian couldn't decipher.

He rubbed his eyes. "Noel," he said, trying to sound authoritative but not scary, "I need you to tell me what's happened."

"I don't know," he said, there was that hitch in his breathing again. "I don't like it here and I want to go home."

"I'm coming to get you," Julian said, already on his feet.

"No!" Noel said, sounding panicked. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not meant to call but it was just too hot and I couldn't breathe and I didn't know anyone. I'm fine."

Julian could hear him starting to work himself up, his breath hitching sadly. "Where are you?" Julian said again, pulling on some jeans and looking for a t-shirt.

"Soho?" It was a question, but that didn't matter. Noel was like a homing pigeon when it came to London; if he thought he was in Soho, he was.

"Don't move, okay?" he said, as he pulled on his jacket and fumbled with his keys. "I'm on my way."

As Julian drove through the dark streets of London, he felt oddly calm. He was so focused on finding Noel and making sure he was okay, that nothing else really mattered.

He wondered what had happened. There had been a few times over the years where Noel had called and needed him to come and get him. But it hadn't happened in a long time, mostly because they had people whose job it was to scoop them up and pour them into waiting cars. But now he wondered if there was more to it than that. If maybe Noel had thought he wasn't allowed to call. It made his stomach twist painfully. He hated the idea that Noel might have been trapped somewhere because there wasn't anyone to come and get him.

He slowed down when he reached Soho, wondering if he ought to call Noel again, but before he could fumble with his phone, he saw him. There was no mistaking his form, sitting on the pavement, looking delicate and beautiful even amongst the rubbish. He pulled up and reached over to open the passenger door. Noel looked up, his eyes glassy and unfocused. He stared for a long moment before his face crumbled. He stood and crawled into the car even as tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Julian floundered, he couldn't remember seeing Noel like this. "Hey," he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. "It's okay, let's get you home, yeah?"

"I'm sorry, Julian," Noel said, as tears rolled down his cheeks, taking with them little streaks of eye makeup. "I know that I keep using up all of my chances with you. I didn't mean to... I think someone put it in my drink and I didn't know where..."

Julian stamped down on the cold fury unfurling in his chest. He reached out to touch Noel's cheek. "Darling," he said, voice firm, "It's okay." Noel pressed his cheek into Julian's palm and closed his eyes, his breath continuing to hitch.

Noel looked up at him, eyes red rimmed and swimming. "I'm sorry I fucked up. You never call me that, and I fucked it up. I just didn't know where I was for a moment and all these people were everywhere and they didn't want me to leave."

"You didn't fuck anything up. It's okay," he said. He wanted to get them out of there but he didn't want to turn away from Noel either. He touched his hair gently and tried to seem reassuring and not terrified and furious. "I think you should try and sleep, yeah? I'll drive you home and we can talk in the morning."

Noel shook his head, "You didn't have to come, I didn't think you'd pick up but I just really wanted to hear your voice."

"Noel, come on," he said, wanting to use another term of endearment but feeling shy. He hadn't expected Noel to even notice it in his state. "You're fine, of course I was going to come. It's late and there's not even much traffic. I would never leave you somewhere like this."

Noel bit his lip but nodded, not taking his eyes off Julian. They were starting to get hooted at by irate taxi drivers so Julian had no choice but to start driving. He reached out to grab Noel's hand. He used their joined hands to change gear and tried to will him to calm down. Slowly, the touch and movement of the car seemed to lull him and he closed his eyes.

He wondered, as Noel dozed in the passenger seat, what he'd done over the years to make Noel so scared to ask for his help. Had he really been so unwilling to be there for him? Had he really seen it as some sort of score card, where Noel only had a limited number of calls for help before they ran out? He suspected he did, or at least, that's how he made it seem. Just another way he'd pushed him away and made it impossible for them to be together.

He kept casting glances over to him as they drove but whatever Noel had been slipped seemed to have knocked him for six.

"Noel," he said, trying not to sound angry but needing to wake him.

Noel stirred and blinked at him sleepily.

"Noel, do you know what you've taken? Do I need to take you to the hospital?" He tried to keep his voice level, but he could hear the tension in his own words.

Noel frowned at him. "No," he said slowly. "I'm fine, I think it was just ketamine but it's making me feel woozy."

Julian gripped the steering wheel tightly. "Are you sure? Maybe we should head to the hospital just to be sure."

Noel sat bolt upright and grabbed at Julian's arm. "No, Julian, please. I don't want to and there'll be press there. Please. I'm really fine. I just need to sleep."

Julian sighed but nodded reluctantly. "Okay, little man, but I'm staying over and making sure you're okay."

"You don't need to," Noel said, his eyes wide but unfocused. "I know you hate not being at home. I'm fine."

Julian frowned and made a mental note to pick that topic up at a later date. "It's fine. I can get some work done in the morning."

Noel blinked at him a few times, his head resting on the seat as though he was too tired to lift it. "I am sorry," he said again.

"I know, it's okay, let's just get you home." Noel didn't respond, but his eyes began to drop. Julian kept his eyes on him as often as possible without crashing the car. Noel seemed to be sleeping peacefully enough, even though there was a frown on his face.

Julian parked outside Noel's flat and was pleased to see the street was deserted and quiet.

"Come on, little man," he said gently, leaning across the car and shaking him awake. "We're here."

Noel barely acknowledged his surroundings, but allowed himself to be pulled from the car and into the flat. Julian kept a tight hold on him as he guided him up the corridor and into his room. Noel remained largely unresponsive as he helped him out of his jeans and into bed. Julian stared down at him, unsure if he ought to join him in the bed. It would probably be better for him to set up his laptop in the room and try to work until morning. He could keep a better eye on Noel that way. But he was worried about him waking up alone in the night. In the end he set an alarm for an hour's time so he could keep checking on him.

He settled into the bed and ran a hand over Noel's hair, smoothing it down. He felt rattled and not just because someone had apparently drugged his boyfriend. Noel's reaction made him feel unsettled. In the end he didn't need the alarm to wake him, he lay watching Noel sleep for most of the night turning over his words, trying to make sense of them.

***

Noel woke feeling wrung out. He had the mother of all hangovers and he knew immediately that the night had been Bad. His eyes felt gritty like he'd been crying and couldn't remember much beyond getting to the club.

He prised open an eye and found a glass of water and some paracetamol lying on the table next to the bed. He groaned and reached for them gratefully. He had to blink a few times before the words on the note next to them swam into focus.

"Drink all of this and take the pills. Then get some more sleep, I'm in the kitchen if you need me. Julian x"

He stared at the words and felt his stomach clench painfully. The night before had definitely been BAD. He didn't want to think about it, so he swallowed the pills with the water and lay back down.

He felt slightly better the next time he woke to find Julian looming over him. He was perched on the bed, staring down at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Noel wanted to crack a joke but he felt sick and scared and he didn't know what to say.

"How are you feeling?" Julian asked, his voice was gentle but his face was a blank mask.

"Like I got hit by a train," he said, his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. He wanted to ask what had happened but he was already getting snatches and he didn't like any of them.

Julian was fussing with the covers. "Do you think you can eat something? Perhaps some dry toast? I've got some coke too, it's not flat yet, but you can have some of that later."

Noel nodded. "I think I'm going to need to throw up a lot before that," he managed. He batted Julian away as he stumbled from the bed towards the toilet.

He stayed there long after he was just dry heaving into the bowl. He wondered if he might die, and it seemed like a peaceful option as he retched again. When they finally subsided he didn't have the energy to do much more than lie down on the cool tiles and close his eyes.

"Come on, little man," Julian was suddenly saying, picking him up from the floor. "Not the best place for a nap."

Noel let himself be guided back to his bed. Julian fussed with the covers, actually tucking him in. He smoothed Noel's hair back from his forehead. It felt nice and Noel curled into the touch. Julian disappeared and came back with a cloth that he gently wiped his face with.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Noel asked, trying to open his eyes and failing.

"Because you're an idiot and you need me to be."

He couldn't argue with that so he closed his eyes again.

"There's a bucket by the bed if you need it."

When he woke again, Julian was fast asleep next to him, fully clothed on top of the sheets. He watched him sleep for a moment, feeling peaceful and calm at having him so close. His head was throbbing and his whole body ached while his stomach roiled unhappily. He felt dreadful but thankfully he didn't feel like he was going to throw up again.

He slipped out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. Throwing some cold water on his face made him feel a bit better. He gagged a few times while cleaning his teeth but it was worth it. As he climbed back into bed Julian stirred next to him.

"Sorry," he whispered. He hadn't wanted to wake him. He'd been hoping to avoid waking him for as long as humanly possible. The previous night was still very fuzzy but he remembered enough to know that he'd embarrassed himself.

Julian rolled over to look at him, his face blank. It had been months since Noel had seen that look and it made him stomach sink. He hadn't meant to drag them back to all those times he'd messed up on a night out and pissed Julian off.

It wasn't even meant to be a big night out. But Bake Off was actually going well and he'd promised some people he'd celebrate with them. He wasn't used to drinking that much champagne any more. Before he knew it, he was drunk and agreeing to a club. He had rubber elbows at the best of times. He always had. His natural instinct was to make people happy and agreeing to more drinking was just one way to do that.

But the club was shit and he'd just wanted to go home. Maybe call Julian and see if he was still up. He wasn't sure what had happened after that. If someone had actually spiked his drink or if he'd just been too drunk to think straight. But there seemed to be a press of people all telling him not to leave. It was too hot and he'd felt dizzy and alone. His freak out had at least gotten the people to leave him alone. But after that he didn't know how to get home.

Of course he should have got a taxi. There would have been loads of them. But he'd just done the first thing that came into his head. He'd called Julian. Somehow safety and Julian had been wrapped up into the same thing in his head. He'd never expected him to pick up, let alone drive through London to collect him.

Julian blinked sleepily at him. "How you feeling?" he asked, his voice rough. He looked dreadful and Noel wondered if he'd slept at all.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, breaking eye contact to stare down at his hands.

"We need to talk about what happened," Julian said, his voice hard.

Noel nodded. He was too hungover. Too emotional for that kind of conversation. There probably wasn't a version of Julian breaking up with him that wasn't going to end with him embarrassing himself, but he wasn't sure what he'd do if he did it when he felt like this. When it was his fault for getting so drunk with people he didn't know. He knew better than that. He'd learnt it the hard way when they were much younger. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes, willing them not to start watering.

Julian shifted and he looked up just as he got off the bed. "I'll get you some water." He was gone before Noel could tell him he didn't want any. He certainly didn't need pity and a dumping. He didn't have the energy to do much more than lie back and close his eyes, though.

Julian banging about in the kitchen was soothing. He wondered if this was the last time he'd hear it. Would he still see the movie through? Surely it was too late for them to pull out now. Principle production was only a few of months away and pre-production was rolling forward quickly. He didn't know enough about the contracts. Maybe they could get out of them with some wriggling.

His heart and head were pounding in tandem by the time Julian was back in his room. He looked up to see him place some water and dry toast on the bedside table.

"Come on," Julian said, gesturing for him to sit up.

Noel did as he was told, trying to formulate the right words to stop Julian from ending whatever was between them. He couldn't think of anything. He felt wretched and small. He couldn't understand why Julian was still fussing around him. He tucked the covers over him and smoothed them down before handing him the water.

"Sip that," he ordered, in that same blank tone. "Let's see if you can keep it down before you eat anything."

Noel wanted to tell him he didn't want to drink but he couldn't form the words. He nodded and took a sip. It was tepid which was disgusting but it at least didn't upset his stomach.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Julian asked again.  
  
Noel shrugged, he couldn't make himself lift his eyes to Julian. He didn't want to see the anger. Maybe if he never looked at him, this argument wouldn't happen at all. He flinched when Julian placed the back of his hand in his forehead. Julian didn't pull back, instead the hand stroked some of his hair back from his face. "Noel," he said gently. "Noel, are you ever going to look at me?"  
  
He fought down the urge to shrug again and beg for forgiveness. There wasn't any point. Instead he forced his head up to meet Julian's gaze.  
  
"We really have to talk about last night," Julian said again.  
  
"I know," Noel said. His voice was rough and he drank some more water. "I'm sorry-"  
  
"Stop it," Julian said, his voice firm and a bit sharp. "You don't have to- Stop apologising."  
  
Noel stopped taking and dropped his gaze.

Julian sighed heavily and sat down on the bed. "I'm sorry," he said like he'd committed some grave crime.  
  
Noel frowned and looked up. Julian was looking at his hands where they rested on his lap. He looked stricken, almost pained.  
  
"Ju?" he said, reaching for him without thinking. "Are you okay?"  
  
Julian smiled a bit ruefully but he didn't speak for a long time. Noel wanted to fill the silence but he was totally confused about where the conversation was going so he held his tongue.  
  
"What you said last night," he started before apparently grinding to a halt again. He looked pained and Noel could tell a feelings conversation was looming. Julian had obviously taken something about last night to heart but Noel was at a loss as to what it could be. He was prepared for a telling off but he could see now that wasn't going to happen. "I'll always be there for you if you need me, Noel. It doesn't matter if we're fighting or you've dumped me or you're a thousand miles away. I never want you to think you can't call me for help. I'm sorry I made you feel like that."  
  
Noel looked up at him. So, that was it. He'd been blathering about thinking Julian wouldn't come and get him. He sighed and fidgeted with his hair. He felt disgusting and was acutely aware he wasn't in the best frame of mind to have this conversation. But he couldn't leave Julian looking like a little lost boy either.  
  
"I know that, Julian," he said. When the other man looked up it was clear he was going to protest so he talked over him. "Obviously you'll come if I'm in danger or my drink's been spiked or I'm lost. Like, I know you're not a monster, Julian. You're the nicest person I know. I know you care about me. That's not the point."  
  
Julian frowned at him. "So, what is the point?"  
  
He sighed. "We spent a lot of time hurting each other. I spent a lot of time being twat and using up the good will in our friendship.” Julian looked like he was going to protest so Noel shook his head. “Dee was pretty clear about what a cunt I was back then. But, like, I don't want that to be us. I'm trying so hard not to be that person anymore.”

“I know,” Julian said, “But so am I. I know that I was… I felt like you were leaving me behind. I know I gave you a hard time. I just didn’t think you’d care. I didn't think I could still hurt you.”  
  
Noel felt his eyes start to well up which was ridiculous. He sniffed. “Well, surprise!” his voice sounded flat rather than jokey like he intended.  
  
They were quiet for a long time. “Do I really never call you pet names?” Julian said.  
  
Noel could feel himself go red. “Oh God,” he said, sliding down the bed. “I don’t even want to know what I was saying. I was off my head.”  
  
Julian looked a bit flushed too, when he forced himself to look back at him. “It wasn’t anything bad. I just… I didn’t know it bothered you.”  
  
“It doesn’t!” Noel squeaked, wondering if he could pull the covers right over his head until Julian left. It was the truth. He never really minded that Julian found it hard to express his feelings vocally. He knew he cared and he was tactile enough that Noel got the message. They were just different that way. Not that it wasn't nice when it happened.  
  
“I could try and call you…” Julian trailed off, obviously unable to say it even as an example.  
  
“Please don’t,” Noel said firmly. “Little man is more than enough. I just like it when you do things that show we’re a couple. It’s stupid.”  
  
Julian nodded. “Okay… babe.”  
  
Noel’s eyes flicked to his. Julian’s lips were twitching under his moustache. “Please stop,” Noel said, but he couldn’t help the little grin he gave in return.  
  
“If you insist, darling.” Noel threw his pillow at him, but Julian just laughed. “I like this. We could try them all out.”  
  
“That is not fair!” He pouted, struggling to sit up with fewer pillows. “You can’t use something I said when I was pissed against me.”  
  
Julian smiled softly at him. “I do mean it, though,” he said. “You can always call me.”  
  
Noel nodded and looked down at his hands. He remembered the sheer terror he’d felt when Julian was on his way to get him. How he’d been convinced that he’d ruined everything. It made him feel a bit shaky. “I need you to say no, though, if you don’t want to,” he said. “I never want you to feel like you have to look after me. I’m not… I can do it myself.”  
  
“I know,” Julian said, lying down next to him on the bed. “But, sometimes it’s nice looking after you, too. It makes me feel like I’m actually useful.”  
  
Noel wasn’t sure what to make of that. But he didn't want to push his luck by pushing him for an explanation. "Did you get any sleep last night?" he asked, reaching out to play with Julian's hair where it was hanging in his face.

He shrugged. "A bit."

Noel smiled. "You look awful," he said. "Let's have a nap and then order a takeaway."

Julian smiled. "Come here, gorgeous," he said, opening his arms.

"Fuck you," Noel huffed even as he slid across the bed to lie his head on Julian's chest. "I hate you."

"Get some sleep, my love," Julian said, running his hand over Noel's hair.

Noel grinned. That one wasn't so bad, especially when he was being coddled. It made Julian sound even more like a broody hero from an historical romance. He closed his eyes.

***

"How's it going?" Adam asked when Julian opened the door. He grinned and held up a box of pastries like an offering and stepped into the flat.

Julian took the box and offered a one armed hug in return. They chatted easily as they made their way into the kitchen. He liked Adam. They'd been friendly over the years, but especially since the boys had been born. Julian felt a sort of kinship with him. Their careers weren't all that dissimilar in many ways and their shared love of music made for less awkward silences when they were alone.

"Buxton!" Noel grinned coming up behind them and pulling Adam into a tight hug.

"Alright, mate?" Adam said. He looked a bit embarrassed by the over familiar greeting which Julian understood. Noel had an ease with people he didn't know that well, which Julian found equal parts admirable and strange.

"Thanks for doing this," Adam said. He was already pulling out various recording equipment and placing it on Noel's table.

"Thank you," Julian replied. "It's hard to set this sort of thing up with people we trust not to say anything until we're ready."

"Of course, I'm just excited you guys are working together again," he said. He looked totally sincere in his enthusiasm which Julian found a bit embarrassing.

He felt himself go red, which made matters even worse. Thankfully Noel spoke for him. "So are we," he said. "I can't believe it's actually happening."

"Drink?" Julian asked. If Adam thought it odd that he was hosting in Noel's flat he didn't say anything. Noel disappeared, possibly to finish getting ready, while Julian fussed around making tea for him and Noel and grabbing a coke for Adam.

He still wasn't back by the time Julian had sat down at the kitchen table. The box of pastries was now open in the middle of it and Julian peered at it a bit longingly.

"Help yourself!" Adam said with a grin as he fiddled with various buttons and wires.

Julian sat back firmly in his chair and told himself he wasn't hungry. "How's things?" he asked instead.

"Oh, good yeah," he said. "Just trying to get as many of these in the can as possible before we go away."

Julian nodded absently.

It being the obvious question, Adam added, "You got any holidays planned?"

The idea seemed alien. The boys were starting to groan at the suggestion of leaving London and he and Noel had never discussed it. In fact, they'd never been away together other than for work. But the idea was... nice. "No," he said, "but maybe me and Noel can go away together before the film comes out."

Adam laughed like he was joking which confused him for a moment before he remembered that he didn't know they were together. He shifted uncomfortably, not sure what he should say. Adam was a friend. He was a sort of friend at least. He'd stayed at his house. That made them friends, right? But then that was when he was with Julia. Maybe they were just couple friends; or comedians who shared life stages. Adam probably wasn't at the fall in love with your male comedy partner and start a new life together stage.

"Noel loves France," he said, determined that he wasn't about to start lying about himself, not when he was sure Adam could be trusted to keep quiet. "Maybe I can convince him to take me away."

Adam frowned a bit but didn't comment. Julian felt a stab of vindictive pleasure at confusing him. He leaned forward and picked up an iced bun to celebrate.

"Put that down, Barratt!" Noel barked as he came back into the room.

He dropped it back into the box with a pout. "You're a bloody prison warden," he muttered.  
  
"I'm improving you," Noel said as he sat down, still fussing with his hair. Julian hadn't understood the need to get all dressed up for a podcast but Noel seemed to see everything as a performance. Maybe that's how he got through his day and maintained his exuberant personality. It seemed exhausting. "You've lost nearly two stone and if you want to keep it off and not go to the gym, that means no pastries."

"I've outsourced my will power," Julian said, gesturing at Noel who giggled. Adam was looking at them strangely again, his face almost calculating.

"We've lost about three stone between us," Noel said. "That's like a toddler or something."

"A fat toddler. That's our first child and we've lost it," Julian said wagging his eyebrows at Noel.

Noel laughed. "Yeah! A fat baby, image taking that on the school run."

"Okay," Adam said, placing down his mics and phone. "I'm about ready. Shall I start recording?"

"Erm." The crushing weight of expectation hunched Julian's shoulders. The next couple of hours stretched out bleakly in front of him.

Adam smiled sympathetically at him. "Still not a fan of interviews then?"

Noel grabbed his hand where it was lying on the table. "He hates it unless the journalist is going to flirt with him over Twitter after."

"I can't help that I'm so captivating," Julian said, squeezing Noel's hand. Every time he thought the other man might let the Guardian incident go, he was proved wrong. He wasn't sure if it was actual jealousy and or delight at teasing Julian. Both probably.

Adam paused to look at their hands. Julian thought he was going to say something but instead he laughed. "Well, I can flirt with you on Twitter if you like. But, I can't promise I'll be as smooth as the last guy."

"Ha!" Noel said. "Maybe you should flirt with me instead. Spread out the love a bit."

"Not unless you want a public spat with me you won't," Julian replied, mostly to see if Adam would react. When he didn't, he added, "When are you planning on this going out? Before or after the film's out?"

"I don't know, man, the schedule is all up in the air at the moment. And it's obviously dependent on what you guys want too," he said.

Julian nodded. "Okay, I just want to know what I can and can't say when we're recording."

"No spoilers about the film, Ju!" Noel said. "But we need to think about how we explain what it actually is."

"Not what I meant," Julian replied. He held Noel's eye pointedly until he got his meaning.

"Oh, right," he said. He ducked his head and blushed prettily. His face was mostly hidden by his hair but Julian thought he looked pleased, as he bit his lip and grinned.

"Well, let's assume people won't have seen it but know it's happening and see how we go?" Adam said, clearly keen to get started; he moved the recorder forward as though to emphasise his point.

It wasn't like Julian was going to talk about his sex life, but it was weird to think that by the time anyone heard the conversation it might be public knowledge he was with Noel. The idea made him jittery and he wasn't sure if it was excitement or fear. Instead of answering he rolled his shoulders back, trying not to sigh. He could get through this. It was easier with Noel next to him to pick up the slack.

Adam did his usual preamble about where they were to introduce them. "So how's the the movie coming along guys? You're about to start shooting, right?"

"Yeah, next week," Julian agreed. The idea filled him with dread. Although he was looking forward to getting it underway and finally being able to properly act with Noel, he was terrified. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be Howard again. What if he couldn't do it anymore? What if when he was on set, with everyone looking at him, he froze up? Noel rolled his eyes and kissed him when he told him his fears, so he stopped talking about it. But the weight of whole production was starting to press down on his shoulders, making him hunch.

"It seems like it's been forever in the making," Adam prompted when Julian didn't say anything else.

"You have no idea," Noel said. "We've been planning this since the day we met, haven't we Julian?"

"Yeah, we've always felt the Boosh is most suited to film. It's what we've both always wanted to do, really. We only did the stage shows and TV because no one would give us the money for a film."

"And is it weird working together again?" Adam asked, looking intrigued.

Noel's giggle at the question made Julian huff an unexpected laugh. He looked over at him to find him laughing into his hand, eyes already watering with mirth. "You could say that," Julian answered trying to stop himself from laughing along with Noel. "It was strange to be back in the room together and being these characters again. It's like..."

"Getting back with an ex," Noel chimed in, finally getting his composure back. His face was still flushed and his eyes bright with amusement and Julian rubbed his thumb over Noel's knuckles. "Either you remember why you were together in the first place or why you broke up. It's scary but we've loved it."

"Yeah, exactly," he agreed. "We knew we wanted to do it but that didn't mean the chemistry or whatever would be there. It was scary but I think this is some of the best stuff we've done."

"We're both different," Noel continued. "But it was like, are we different in the right ways or-"

"Will that magic thing, will it be gone? We never really knew what it was that made it work." He grinned sheepishly at the memory, now wondering if it was the sexual tension that made him worried to look too hard at it.

"That used to worry you, didn't it? Like if we looked too hard it would stop?" Noel was smiling prettily at him, making him think he was having the same thoughts.

"Maybe we'd see something there we didn't like, or weren't ready for," he agreed.

"But it's obviously still there. It's the same as when I see Joe," Adam agreed. "We're friends and that doesn't seem to go away just because we stopped working together."

Julian nodded. "It's more than friendship, I think," he said, making Noel duck his head again. "It's a partnership and that's very delicate. We've both worked with other people but it's not been the same."

"This is once in a lifetime thing," Noel nodded. "You just don't find it anywhere else."

Adam gave them a cheeky grin. "You make it sound like a marriage."

"Maybe one day," Julian found himself saying. He'd meant it as a joke but it came out serious and more deadpan than he'd intended. Noel gripped his hand tightly and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "We're only at pre production at the moment," he said, trying to stop himself from blushing. "So maybe it'll all fall apart during filming."

"Yeah," Noel agreed, "the moment Julian stands in my light, I'm out."

"How's that going? You've not made a film before, have you Noel?" Adam's eyes were flicking to their hands. Noel had disentangled them so he could trace patterns on the underside of Julian's wrist. They were going to need to get that sort of behaviour under wraps before they started spending more time in public together. But it was too late to do anything about it now and he didn't want to draw attention to it by saying anything or reacting.

"Yeah," Noel said, biting his lip. "I haven't been that helpful really with all that. But Ju's done it before so that helped. I've mostly just been playing with clothes while Julian sorts out everything."

"I hate all the business stuff," Adam said, grimacing. "Joe seemed to enjoyed it but I'm such a man child that it just bored or scared me."

"I know!" Noel laughed. "I just sit there and try not to say anything stupid while the grown ups talk."

"That's not true," Julian said. It was a shtick. He knew that, but he didn't like Noel playing his part down. "Noel's really the driving force behind everything we've done. His personality is all about creating things. Mine's more about sitting in dark rooms listening to jazz and thinking about things too much."

"You're basically a hermit when we're not together," Noel laughed. He was blushing a bit, clearly pleased with the praise even if he wouldn't say it.

"That's just my look," he said, grinning. "Hobo hermit."

"There's nothing wrong with that!" Adam said. "Once you hit forty it's a legit fashion choice. Although you look like you might have been betraying your kind by working out."

"Well, I'm an athlete," Julian said, feeling a bit embarrassed that Adam had mentioned it while they were being recorded.

"You should see him naked now!" Noel piped up happily. "He looks like a Greek god. It's genius."

There was a long pause. Adam's face made some strange contortions as it went bright red. Then, very slowly, he reached out to his phone and stopped recording. "We'll just, err, delete that bit shall we?"

Noel looked caught between laughing hysterically and apologising. "Sorry," he wheezed after a moment.

Julian's mind had gone completely blank as he tried to think of something to say. The moment to cover up Noel's slip had gone but there had to be something he could say to wind the conversation back and make it less awkward.

"So," Adam said into the silence, "you guys really kissed and made up, huh?"

"Sorry," Julian managed. "I should have said before..."

Adam waved him off, still red and embarrassed looking. "It's fine," he said before managing a smile, "Congratulations?"

Julian wasn't sure how to respond. It was just what people said. But, it had been twenty years of pain and over a year of figuring out what was even happening between them. He wasn't sure he deserved any congratulations. He also didn't know how to articulate what they had or how he felt about it. He wasn't ashamed, but it felt so personal. He couldn't imagine revealing something so deeply private to anyone. Noel barely managed to get him to talk about it.

"Thanks!" Noel said, with apparent ease. "We haven't really told anyone yet. But, I'm obviously terrible at keeping secrets. I couldn't stop talking about how much I loved Ju before we got together. It's so much worse now."

"That's really great," Adam said. He looked desperate to ask a lot more questions but he was also too British to do it. "Shall we carry on?" he said in the end.

"Yeah," Noel nodded. "Sorry, I'll try not to out us at the slightest provocation this time. It's just so weird doing this and it feels like we're just talking as friends."

"Maybe don't talk about my naked body with our friends either," Julian suggested with a wry smile.

"Like you're not always getting naked anyway," Noel scoffed. "Howard ends up in his pants about a hundred times in the film."

\---

"That was well awkward," Noel giggled after the door shut behind Adam. It had gone much more smoothly after Noel's slip and by the end Adam was even looking more comfortable. "I'm so sorry about that."

"You look it," Julian said, but he couldn't help smiling indulgently at him. It was impossible to even pretend to be mad at him when he was looking so pleased with himself.

Noel grimaced. "Do you think we freaked him out?" he asked seriously, but then ruined the effect by grinning again.

"I'm not sure we'll be getting invites to the farm in the near future." He pulled Noel into a hug to show he little he cared about that.

"I'm going to be a terrible wife," Noel huffed into his chest. Julian's stomach did some funny somersaults at the word. Wife. They'd been making that joke since the day they started working together. It had never felt quite so laden with potential before.

"You're the perfect wife," he said. "That's why I keep you around." He laughed at his own joke, hoping it covered the way his heart was beating hard in his chest.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian showed his affection and concern through telling him off sometimes. That had always been a confusing trait of Julian's, part of his Dad routine. It wasn't even Noel specific, it encompassed everyone that Julian thought he ought to be looking after - so basically everyone in the Boosh, but especially Dave, Mike, Rich and Noel. Now he looked back on it, he supposed it was even worse when it came to him. People always seemed to think he needed looking after, he wasn't sure why. Sometimes for Julian that meant tough love but he could see it now as love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^^ start or end of a flashback. 
> 
> Nearly the end folks. Hope you're all still with me. See you in Tuesday for the final part!!!

**Chapter Nine**

"Ju, seriously, leave it." Noel trailed down the hall behind him. His long legs meant Noel had to jog to keep up with him. "It's not a big deal."

"It's a big deal," Julian huffed. "We're the bloody creators. Where does he get off telling you he's not going to do it?"

Noel had only been venting when he told Julian about his argument with the costume department. It was a small thing really, but Noel had been obsessing about Howard's outfit for the final scene; it just wasn't working and he'd wanted to redo it before filming started. There wasn't really time and he'd expected some pushback from the department. He hadn't expected to be told point blank that it wasn't going to happen. He'd decided to just do it himself by the time he bumped into Julian.

He also hadn't expected Julian to storm from the room to track down said costume designer to give him a bollocking and possible sacking.

"You need to stand up for yourself," Julian snapped over his shoulder. "You're in charge. You can't let people walk all over you, it's not for you to do all the work. They're paid to do it."

Julian showed his affection and concern through telling him off sometimes. That had always been a confusing trait of Julian's, part of his Dad routine. It wasn't even Noel specific, it encompassed everyone that Julian thought he ought to be looking after - so basically everyone in the Boosh, but especially Dave, Mike, Rich and Noel. Now he looked back on it, he supposed it was even worse when it came to him. People always seemed to think he needed looking after, he wasn't sure why. Sometimes for Julian that meant tough love but he could see it now as love. Although Julian's protective streak had scared him to begin with.

^^^^  
  
When Noel had woken up one morning years ago looking decidedly yellow, his first thought had been: Julian's going to freak. And he did. Rushing him to the hospital and snapping at the staff who apparently weren't taking the situation seriously enough.  
  
It was his liver, bloody thing wasn't working properly. It was an annoying Fielding trait. He was devastated when they told him he wouldn't be able to have any chocolate for a year. A year. The alcohol was another matter. He'd never really needed it in the way Julian did to have a good time. But it was an inconvenience; people didn't like it when you didn't drink. Even after he told them that it was a medical condition they always seemed to think he was somehow judging them for drinking. It wasn't true, he'd always had a live and let live attitude to other people's lives. But that didn't stop the snide remarks and prodding for him to drink anyway.  
  
Julian seemed convinced that he would drop down dead if he looked away for too long or didn't fuss about what he was or wasn't eating for more than twenty minutes. Noel spent the year caught between feeling pleased at the attention and frustrated that Julian didn't seem to trust him to look after himself.  
  
They went on tour anyway, although Julian spent the first week acting like it was going to kill Noel if he didn't hover over his shoulder glowering at everything.  
  
At first he avoided social situations, feeling embarrassed about having to constantly explain why he wasn't drinking. That and Julian seemed happy to hang out with him at their hotel. It was nice, they hadn't spent a lot of time where they weren't partying or writing. It was nice to know they could just be together. But he started to get bored of just seeing the car and hotel and venue. It was sending him weird so he convinced Julian that just being in a pub wasn't going to do him any harm.  
  
Which only proved partially true. Comedians were a funny bunch. On one level they were incredibly social but on another they tended to be a bundle of neuroses and sharp edges. Him and Julian didn't tend to hang out with other comedians much for that very reason, preferring writers and musicians. It didn't help that a lot of other comedians didn't really get what they were doing with the Boosh. They either seemed annoyed or threatened by it. But he supposed that wasn't unusual, most people seemed to either love it or hate it.  
  
But you didn't usually get much of a choice about who you hung out with on tour, sharing a bill with whoever happened to be in town that night.  
  
Noel spent the first evening he was out fending off requests that he join in the drinking. He tried everything: polite refusal, jokes, explaining his liver was fucked, less polite refusals but nothing seemed to work. He didn't mind it that much, but Peter, another comedian, who he didn't even know that well, seemed determined to take it as a personal insult. He was what Julian would, somewhat condescendingly, refer to as a straight comedian. All 'a funny thing happened on the way here' and jokes about women loving shopping. He clearly hated their routine, and started the night by taking a pop at Noel's outfit. He especially seemed to have it in for Noel, he circled back a couple of times before the show to make another comment. Noel shrugged it off. It happened. You didn't dress like he did without getting hassled from time to time. He had a much thicker skin about it than Julian did.  
  
They usually quite enjoyed it when people didn't get them. Julian especially wore it like a badge of honour, but Noel could see him getting more and more worked up as the night went on. He wondered if it was because Peter was Northern. Maybe Julian took it more personally because of the lack of Northern solidarity or something.  
  
But when his turn on stage came, things took a downward turn.  
  
"What kind of comedian doesn't drink? It's like taking pretentious art school kid to a whole new level."  
  
He continued on in a similar vein for a couple of minutes. Noel stood at the back of the venue, more perplexed than anything. Who changed their whole set just because someone didn't want a drink?  
  
"This is nuts, do you think he fancies me or what?" He turned to nudge Julian to get him to join in with the joke but realised with a jolt of surprise that he was completely rigid beside him, his jaw clenched and face stony.  
  
He didn't seem to have noticed Noel speaking. "That utter wanker," he muttered, his hands clenching into fists.  
  
Noel felt a bit alarmed. He knew that expression. Julian was working himself up into a confrontation. "Ju," he said, reaching out to touch his arm. "It's alright, it doesn't bother me."  
  
Julian turned to look at him, his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "It bothers me," he said.  
  
Then before Noel could react, he strode off towards the other side of the stage, where he knew the acts would come off. Noel's stomach lurched unhappily and he took off after him. No one had ever been in a fight because of him before and he wanted to keep it that way. He was already blushing and nothing had happened yet.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Julian apparently hadn't even waited for Peter to get completely off the stage before accosting him. "He's not well, he can't drink. What are you being such a prick for?"  
  
Peter seemed momentarily taken aback but rallied to scowl and say, "What's with the jealous boyfriend routine, can't the precious flower look after himself?"  
  
Noel thought for a horrifying moment Julian was actually going to punch him. He darted forward and tugged on his arm, feeling equal parts embarrassed and terrified. "Come on, Ju, let's go before you get us beaten to a pulp."  
  
He thought Julian might shrug him off, so he dug his fingers in tightly and didn't let go. Julian stood his ground for a moment, glaring at Peter, before saying, "Your set was shit."  
  
He let Noel pull him out of the pub and down the street, his face stony. "Oh my God," Noel said, to fill the silence. "I thought you were actually going to hit him."  
  
Julian didn't say anything for a moment, eyes narrowed. "I should have, where does he get off slagging you off for not drinking? He's a tosser and he's not even funny." To Julian that was the worse offence there was.  
  
Noel rolled his eyes. "It's fine," he said, not sure what Julian was quite so het up about.  
  
Julian whirled on him, stopping them dead in the street. Noel nearly ran right into him and had to take a step back. "It's not fine!" Julian huffed. "You could have died!"  
  
Noel blinked at him, utterly confused about the change in topic. "I mean," he said, "not really. There would have been a lot more symptoms and I would have done something."  
  
Julian didn't seem to be listening. Noel realised with a jolt that his eyes were shining. "They said if it got much worse you could have died, Noel."  
  
"But-" he started, wanting to stop Julian's thought process but he barrelled right over him.  
  
"And I didn't know! I didn't know there was anything wrong and you nearly died. I don't know-" he stopped abruptly and took a deep breath.  
  
Noel stared at him in horror, completely at a loss for what to say. But that didn't matter because apparently Julian was on a roll.  
  
"And that dickhead," he stopped again, apparently anger at the memory of what Peter had said distracting him from his upset, "was having a go at you for not doing something that could kill you. I'm not going to let that happen."  
  
Noel wasn't sure if he meant he wasn't going to let someone slag him off or let him die. Maybe it didn't matter. Maybe it was both. "Oh Ju," he said, stepping back into his personal space, "you don't need to protect me. I'm fine. I'm going to be fine."  
  
"I don't want anything to happen to you," Julian said, as though he could prevent it through sheer force of will and Northern grit. Maybe he could.  
  
"It won't," he said, wondering if Julian had calmed down enough for him to touch him. He took another step forward and when Julian didn't retreat, reached out and ran a hand down his arm. "Not with you there scaring off anything that comes within a five mile radius." He chanced a smile and was graced with a grudging one in return. "But you can't go around starting fights for me. It's going to get you in trouble and I..." he paused. "I don't want anything to happen to you either."  
  
Julian glared for a moment. Not at Noel exactly but more at the world in general. "Fine," he said, as though gracing him with a great gift. "Let's get back to the hotel. You need to eat something."  
  
Noel had rolled his eyes but trudged after Julian anyway. There was no point in fighting every battle. Beside he wasn't averse to being bought dinner every now and then.

^^^^

"Stop right there, Barratt!" Noel shouted and finally managed to make Julian break his stride. "I get it, okay? But it was my decision to change my mind about the costume. I want to redo and I frankly don't trust anyone else to dress you any more. So, I'm going back to get to work and you are going to leave me be. Then you're going for bum me senseless later. Then tomorrow I'll talk to the department and make it clear what I expect and how we're going to work together from here. You," he said, pointing at Julian and stepping into his personal space, "are going to calm down and let me deal with it how I want to."

He watched Julian deflate slowly. He looked a bit sheepish and nodded his head slowly.

Noel couldn't help but grin. "Good boy," he said, his voice firm. "Now give me a kiss.

Julian laughed. "Sir, yes sir!" Julian said and did as he was told.

Noel smiled into the kiss. He could get used to this.

***

"Cut!" Paul shouted as Julian slumped.

Noel scowled. "What?" he snapped.

The day had to have already lasted 40 hours or more. They'd woken before the sun was up to drive to location and it was nearing midnight now.

"You didn't hit the mark," Paul called back, it was rare to hear an edge of irritation in his voice. "And Julian, you need to come in earlier."

Noel huffed. "We got this shot ages ago," he griped.

Julian shrugged. They were tired and he wanted to go home. He didn't have the energy to argue about it. They didn't move as people busied themselves around them, resetting lights and shifting props.

"You pissed off?" Noel said suddenly, giving him a hard look.

"I'm fine," Julian sighed. That type of question never led anywhere good. He'd been feeling out of sorts all day. The massive production of the Boosh movie moved around him, but when he looked at it he felt nothing. Not even the crippling fear that he'd mess it all up.

Noel had been coping with it by going out most nights. He suspected he'd been feeling hungover most of the day, but he hadn't wanted to ask. They'd had a tacit agreement not talk about what the other got up to when they weren't together for years and Julian wasn't about to break it. Not when things were already strained. He didn't know what he'd even say at this point.

It had been a couple of weeks since filming had begun. Julian had forgotten how hard it could be. The days were long and punishing, even when he wasn't so acutely aware that he was responsible for the whole production. Noel never seemed to mind. As long as he could blow off steam at the end of the day with a drink, or ten or twelve, he seemed happy. It made Julian's stomach churn uncomfortably. He'd gone out with them all a few times. It was nice, but he just didn't have the energy to keep it up. Not and be functional on set the next day.

"You could just tell me what's wrong, you know, instead of sulking," Noel said it quietly, his voice hard.

Julian didn't know how to respond. He wasn't sulking. He just didn't have anything to say. He wasn't annoyed, he just wanted to be left alone.

"Right," Paul shouted, saving him from having to speak. "Let's go again."

When he finally made it back to his trailer Julian sat down on the closet chair and closed his eyes. He felt tired right down to his bones.

The door opened almost immediately. He knew it was Noel before he opened his eyes. "You alright?" Noel said. "Fancy heading out?"

"I can't think of anything I'd like less than watching you get drunk again," he said, not opening his eyes.

The silence went on so long that he prised an eye open slowly. Noel was frozen in place, staring at him. "I meant do you want to head out, as in, head home." His voice was odd, like it couldn't decided if it wanted to sound hurt or angry.

He should have felt embarrassed at his mistake. He didn't. He wondered in a detached way if this was the beginning of end for them. It had been good but he supposed it was only a matter of time before the cracks started to show. Before it started to become clear they weren't really compatible and fell back into their old patterns and resentments. He should feel something about upsetting Noel but he didn't. He just wanted him to go away. It would better to start building some walls now before it got too bad. "You go on," he said.

"Julian," Noel said, his voice louder than it needed to be but it wasn't a shout. "I wasn't going to go out for a drink."

Julian shrugged. "I don't care if you do," he said. "It's your life."

"It seems like you do care, you've been in a mood all day," he said, with feigned patience.

"I'm tired, Noel, let's not do this now. Just go and do whatever you've got planned and I'll see you later." He closed his eyes again and waited for Noel to leave.

It was silent for a long time. "Are you ever going to admit you're still angry at me for what happened before or are you just going to keep punishing me for it without saying anything?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"I'm trying here, Ju," Noel said softly. "I'm trying to show it's different - that I'm different and I'm sorry. But we can't do this every time I go out. If you're not even going to admit you're angry we're not going to move past it." He waited for Julian to speak.

But there wasn't anything to say. He wasn't trying to punish him for anything. He didn't expected Noel to change his behaviour, he knew that wouldn't happen if he asked and it was pointless to try and make him. He’d learned that the hard way. He was just trying to make himself be okay with whatever happened. Because he wasn't going to go through the last year of the Boosh again. He couldn't do it. Especially now they were together. It would be too hard. He'd never recover.

^^^^

Julian had always been a big drinker. He relied on it to be able to relax and enjoy himself. When he first discovered it as a social crutch, it was like opening the door to an alternative universe where he wasn't crippled with self conscious overthinking when trying to talk to people he didn't know. He could laugh more freely, connect to people. Get laid. It was fun.

Drugs were much the same. Besides, he knew the deal. Musicians did drugs, it unlocked creativity and emotions. That was the life he wanted and he wasn't going to half arse the experience. He'd experimented with pretty much everything. But he'd never really needed it. Not like booze. He could take or leave coke on a night out. He preferred hallucinogens really but they left him paranoid and miserable, so he tried to keep their use to a minimum.

Noel was another matter. He hardly drank when they first met. It never seemed to stop him from talking to anyone, from dancing or getting up on stage. But slowly he'd got a taste for it. As the lines between Vince and Noel got blurred it seemed that he was always performing. Always prepared to lapse into his rock star persona until he never shed it.

Julian had loved drinking with Noel when they first met. He'd giggled and tucked himself into Julian as he got drunker. It made the world retreat into a distant blur while Noel seemed to come into even sharper focus. He wasn't the one to give Noel his first illegal drugs but he sometimes wondered if his own cavalier attitude to taking them spurred Noel into being less cautious.

It hadn't occurred to him to be worried until it was much too late. They'd been drifting apart before Noel started drinking after every gig. He tried to remember what it had been like before Leeds. He wanted to believe it wasn't nearly so bad. But, regardless, the seeds had been there. He'd seen the way Noel's friends had changed from people they'd both known to a constantly revolving carousel of strangers.

He'd resented their presence. They'd taken Noel's attention and turned him into someone Julian hardly recognised. His Noel didn't turn up hungover and irritable to set. His Noel knew that drugs happened at the weekends and big parties not lunchtime on a Monday. His Noel didn't scowl at him and look bored. His Noel wasn't twitchy on nights out until he was able to slip away to the toilets with his new friends.

There were many moments over their final year where he'd realised how bad it was. He'd felt powerless to do anything by that point and had swung wildly between being terrified and furious. The only times he'd tried to bring it up they'd argued. There was never a good time to mention it. Everything was moving so fast they had to concentrate on the work and not fighting and refusing to speak for a week. When they weren't working Noel was AWOL. He thought at the time it was because he was angry with Julian and didn't want to see him. Now he wondered if it was more complicated.

There thankfully remained precious little evidence of how bad it was. But occasionally he'd stumble across the NME shoot they did ahead of Hop Farm. He was furious that whole morning as they prepared for the shoot, convinced Noel wouldn't turn up. He'd not seen or heard from him in over a week and no one was really sure where he was.

Dave shot Julian panicked looks as he tried and failed to get Noel on the phone. In the end he'd called Dee.

"Julian?" she sounded surprised but pleased when she picked up.

"Is Noel with you?" His fear and awkwardness at calling made him sound abrupt. He knew it wasn't her fault. He'd seen them arguing enough to know she had her own concerns. But he felt exposed in calling, it laid open just how far he Noel had drifted. He couldn't even get hold of him without help.

"What?" It was her turn to snap. "I thought he was at the shoot with you. That's today right?"

Julian cursed under his breath. "Yeah, don't worry, I'm sure he's on his way."

"Has he not turned up or something?" She sounded so angry that he stopped short of issuing the angry tirade he had primed and ready to go.

"It's fine, I was just going to ask him to pick me up something if he hadn't left yet." He resented lying for him but he was also not about to get in between them if they were fighting. "He'll probably be here soon."

"He went out on Friday night and I haven't heard from him since." It sounded like she was admitting something grave.

Julian's stomach dropped. It was Tuesday. He took a deep breath. "I'm sure he's fine," Julian heard himself say. "I better go." He hung before she could say anything else.

He closed his eyes tight. There was no reason to think anything had happened to him. Noel's face seemed to be everywhere at the moment, so it was unlikely he was lying in a hospital somewhere without someone knowing. He refused to think about the other equally terrifying options for where he might be.

An harassed publicist made the mistake of asking where Noel was a few moments later. Julian felt bad for snapping at her, but it released some of the tension coiled in his chest.

"Someone needs to talk to the camera crew," Dave said a few minutes later. "They're starting to get restless." He looked imploringly at Julian until he nodded.

Mid way through the interview he heard a commotion that could only mean Noel had arrived. The crew wrapped up the interview quickly to set up filming the photo shoot.

Julian hurried to where the others were getting ready. Noel looked dreadful. Julian felt caught between terror and fury when he saw him, sweaty and pale, eye make beyond smudged. He looked sick and wobbly.

"Alright, Ju?" he slurred, with a glassy-eyed grin.

"We need to get on set, the photographer's been waiting." He was surprised at how level his voice sounded. His hands wanted to shake so he balled them tightly into fists and turned and left the room. "There's no time for makeup, so just hurry up."

Noel stood too close to him through the shoot. Stumbling into him and leaning up against him. Julian felt queasy whenever they touched. It felt wrong to have this version of Noel so close. He wasn't even Vince. This was something else. When Noel couldn't get up from where he lay on the floor with a guitar Julian had to turn away from him.

He got changed quickly when they were done, their publicist had managed to get them out of the interview with the print journalist and he just wanted to go home. He couldn't bare to look at Mike or Dave who were hovering nearby looking anxious.

"Ju!" Noel called, stumbling through the door. "That was brilliant. The Boosh band. You're going to be a rock star."

"I think I'm a bit old for that," he said, his voice cold and tired.

"You're not old!" Noel said, coming toward him. He opened his arms, clearly about to hug him.

Julian stepped out of range. "You need to go home and get some sleep. Maybe shower and consider putting some real food in your body."

"I've been at this awesome party," Noel said, like he hadn't heard him. "There were-" He frowned, his train of thought gone. "You'd have loved it."

"I don't think so," Julian muttered, trying to gather his things as quickly as possible.

"Where you going?" Noel asked, squinting at him. "Aren't we doing an interview?"

Julian's fraying patience snapped. "No, Noel, we're not because you're off your face and it would be fucking embarrassing to do an interview with you like this."

"I'm embarrassing?" Noel staggered as he gestured. "Have you seen yourself? This NME and you look like a fucking teacher. You haven't even made an effort."

Julian's finger nails dug painfully into his palms as he bit down on his angry retort. He felt wounded and angry that Noel could land a blow even when barely able to remain upright. "Go home and talk to Dee, she's worried about you." His voice shook but he wasn't sure how much was anger and how much was hurt.

"What's that mean?" Noel said, wobbling as he tried to step closer.

"You haven't been in touch with her for three days and she's worried. You might want to check in with her." He hated the condensation in his own voice.

"You spoke to her?" Noel's face scrunched in anger.

Too late he realised his mistake but his embarrassment at being caught out morphed quickly into anger. "No one knew where you were or if you were going to bother to turn up. So, yes. I called her to see if she'd heard from you. But apparently none of us are worth your time when you could be with your latest acolytes."

"You called Dee?" Noel barely seemed to have heard the rest of his tirade. "How fucking dare you?"

"We were worried about you!" Julian hadn't expected shout and he flinched back. "I didn't know where you were!"

"Fuck off, as if you were worried. You're always sticking your nose in. Trying to make me as boring as you are." Noel's eyes were wide and panicked.

"Have you seen yourself?" Julian exploded. "You look half dead! Of course we're worried."

"You haven't given a shit about me for years," Noel said, taking a step back, his eyes starting to shine.

Julian wanted to stamp his foot or throttle him. It was like a wall had gone up between them and he couldn't find a way through it. "I don't care? I lie awake at night while we're on tour waiting for a fucking call telling me you're in hospital or worse." He huffed in frustration. "But you know what? Fuck it, if you can't even see that we're worried then forget it. I'm not going to be the one who takes the fucking call, Noel. You hear me? At this rate there's going to going to be no one there to take it. Sort your shit out." He pushed by him and out the room. He didn't look back as he slammed his way into the waiting car.

Rich called him a couple of days later to say that Noel had run off after their fight and he couldn't get hold of him. It had been a week before anyone heard from him that time. Julian barely slept and snapped at anyone who asked him what was wrong.

^^^^

He knew things were different now. Noel had plenty of friends that didn't even drink. His big nights out were infrequent and mild. He wasn't even sure if he still took drugs. He didn't ask, not sure he'd trust the answer he was given.

Once they started speaking again after the movie had collapsed, they'd never talked about those fights or Noel's partying. They'd concentrated very carefully on being able to be in the same room together and not snapping. That ability was built on not talking about any of the reasons they'd stopped speaking. That part hadn't actually changed.

He tried to remember if they'd ever talked about those things. There must have been a time when they'd been able to talk about it but he couldn't picture it.

He looked back at Noel, still waiting for him to speak. He wanted to say something. To explain how he'd kept his fears bottled up for so long that he didn't know how to voice them now. That he was scared that even if he did, it wouldn't matter. He didn't want Noel to lie to him. He wouldn't be able to bear it. He'd rather they never spoke of it so he didn't have it confirmed that Noel cared more about getting loaded than he did about him.

Noel sighed. "I'm going home," he said. "Will I see you there?"

He should say yes. He wanted to. But he couldn't form the words. He shrugged and looked away as Noel walked out of the trailer.

  
***

"Let's take a break shall we?" Paul called.

The set slowly cleared, leaving Noel and Julian glaring at each other. The door barely closed behind the last straggler before Noel hissed, "What is your problem?"

He'd spent the entire morning trying to tiptoe around Julian's mood. But all that seemed to do was make him angrier. He'd had enough. If Julian wasn't going to admit what the problem was Noel was just going to have to annoy it out of him.

Julian glared at him. "My problem? I'm not the one hungover on set. Again."

Noel reeled back at the accusation. "That is such bollocks. I'm not even hungover. I had like two drinks last night. What is your problem? You've gone wrong." He tried to inject some brevity into his tone as a last ditch attempt to stave off an argument, but it mostly came out irritable.

"Do you actually expect me to believe that?" Julian hissed, with narrowed eyes.

"I don't really care what you believe," Noel said, his voice starting to rise in irritation. "What is wrong with you? Where is this even coming from?"

The shutters went down and Julian's face closed off. "It's coming from your complete lack of professionalism. I know you've never been the lead in a film before but-"

"Fuck you, Julian," he shouted this time. "This is such bollocks. I'm not the one being a moody tit for no reason and making everyone uncomfortable. Get over yourself."

"I'm serious, I thought you were going to take responsibility for once but obviously I've overestimated you." His tone was so cold that Noel wanted to hit him.

Instead he muttered another "Fuck you," and stormed from the set. He didn't stop for anyone as he stomped back to his trailer and slammed his way into it. When the door didn't slam hard enough behind him he kicked the nearest chair. It toppled over and slid across the small space before clanging into the wall. He itched to continue smashing something but instead inhaled deeply and closed his eyes.

Fucking Barratt. Just the thought of his face made Noel's fists curl. He couldn't believe he'd fooled himself into thinking things were different. That they would be able to work together again and it wouldn't come to this. They were still exactly the same. He was still trying to desperately prove himself and Barratt was still condescending and rude. He still looked right through him no matter what he did.

The shoot was nearing the end. It had been fun until this week. Or at least he thought they'd been having fun. They'd been careful to staff the crew with as many people they knew as possible. The Boosh had always been an extended family, that was part of its charm, and they didn't want to lose that. It had been fun to be acting again, especially with Julian and the others there. Sure the days were long and they'd written more of an emotional arc which made the scenes harder to write. He hated crying on camera but it was worth it to see Julian smiling so proudly at him when they finished.

Really it was clear now that things had been too good. He'd let his guard down and hadn't been prepared for Julian's sudden shift in mood. He couldn't quite understand what the issue was. Noel had been drinking since they got together. He and Julian had got drunk together enough times. It wasn't like he'd gone AWOL or not turned up to set. He'd thought they were past those issues after his disastrous night out in Soho.

Regardless of his perceived crime, he couldn't understand why Julian had to be so fucking rude. His moods had always been legendary, especially in the early days. It was how he coped with stress, but that didn't make it right. He was nearly fifty, where exactly did he get off acting like a toddler?

He sighed and sat down. He knew the routine now. After a slanging match like the one they'd just had, it would be weeks before things were right between them. Julian might apologise for the method of expressing his feelings but never for the feelings themselves and he'd take it because he hated fighting and missed him.

That shouldn't be how relationships worked, though. It wasn't how he wanted their relationship to be. It was partly why they'd fallen apart so spectacularly the last time and he knew now it wasn't sustainable.

He put his head in his hands. He'd have to do something. He'd never imagined having the strength to walk away from Julian but he wasn't going to wait around for him to be the one to do it again. He felt sick and terrified at the thought.

He looked up as the door to his trailer opened, expecting Dave or maybe Paul. He jumped to his feet when Julian hunched his way up the steps and into the tiny kitchen with him. They stood, silent and wide eyed, for a moment.

"When you disappeared after the NME shoot I didn't sleep for a week," Julian said suddenly. He looked pained and it wasn't clear if that was because of the memory or having to express an actual emotion.

Noel's stomach lurched at the memory. Thankfully the whole incident was wrapped in a haze and dotted with huge chunks of missing time. He suspected it was a form of self protection and he was in no hurry to delve deeper. All he remembered was the fight he and Julian had and the overwhelming need to get away and possibly never come back.

By the time he'd stumbled home people had mostly been relieved and happy to see him. He'd laughed the whole thing off, saying he'd been staying with a friend and had just been letting off steam ahead of the festival. Dee hadn't seen it that way, and although she'd eventually come around, he knew it had been another nail in the coffin of their relationship.

But Julian had never mentioned it. They didn't talk about the fight and he'd never been sure if he'd even known that Noel had taken off for a week.

He couldn't think of an appropriate response. So he stood, awkward and silent until Julian continued.

"Whenever I did sleep, I'd have this dream where you'd..." he trailed off and looked away unable to finish the thought.

Noel sat back down, feeling queasy. Thankfully he'd pulled himself together before anyone felt the need to stage any formal intervention. But he'd had enough people pull him aside over the years, either at the time or later, to say how worried they'd been. It always made his stomach flood with guilt and his eyes shine with embarrassed tears. But never Julian. He'd never mentioned it. Not like this. They'd shouted and slammed doors but he'd never seen him look like this. So scared and sad.

"You slipped away from me and by the time I realised it you were gone." When Noel looked up at him again, horror flooded him. Julian was crying.

Julian wasn't a crier. He'd wondered early on if he just didn't have tear ducts. Noel liked a cry. He found it cleansing. His mother had always told him that nothing couldn't be sorted with a good cry and a stiff drink and he'd mostly found that to be true. He cried at fights, at films, at good gigs and bad ones. It was how he processed his emotions. But not Julian. He'd seen him cry maybe a handful of times and never in relation to him.

He stood again and took a few steps towards him. Julian, of course, backed away and wiped furiously at his face. Noel stopped and balled his hands into fists to stop from reaching out. Julian hated people seeing his weakness. He didn't want comfort, any attempt to offer it would be more for Noel than him.

"I didn't realise how bad it was," Julian said, and sniffed. "I just... I didn't recognise you and I didn't know how to stop it. I kept thinking about how if something happened would anyone even tell me? You could have been dead and I wouldn't even know."

"I-" He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. "I didn't either," he said eventually.

Julian looked at him, his eyes red and wet.

"I didn't know how bad I was until later," he swallowed heavily. "I just thought it was what you did. I got lost." He shrugged. "I was lost and I didn't know how to find my way back to you either. You had Julia and the kids and you were happy. You didn't need me turning up with all my shit."

Julian looked outraged so he hurried on.

"And it was fine! You deserved to be happy! You were right to step back from all of that," he smiled ruefully. "It wasn't about you. It was about me. I thought that was what people wanted me to be. It was what I thought I wanted to be. I didn't realise it was dangerous. Which, I get is stupid, but it's true. I wasn't trying to punish you or anything. I was trying to make myself happy."

Julian sniffed again. "I didn't think you were punishing me. But I felt... I should have done something to stop it sooner. If I hadn't been pushing you away, maybe-"

"I didn't want to hear it," Noel said. He dug his nails into his palms hard, willing himself not to cry. He didn't want to guilt trip Julian into backing down now he was finally talking about it. "It wouldn't have mattered what you said. I wasn't ready to stop. For what it's worth, I don't think it was addiction. It was-" he struggled to articulate it. "I was unhappy with who and what I was. I didn't think I was enough on my own. I wanted to be this thing - this rock star - and I was killing myself to live up to what I thought people wanted. I'm trying really hard to not do that now. Therapy helped. You are helping. But it's not easy," he stepped closer. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish you knew how much. But I need you to know that every time I drink it's not going to suddenly spiral back there. I'm not that person anymore. I won't let myself be."

Julian nodded. "I can't do that again. Seeing it from afar it... I can't watch you do that again."

"I know," he took another step closer. "That's what I meant the night you picked me up from Soho. There's a limited amount of destructive behaviour I can ask someone to watch me pull. I get that. I'm trying to be different. But you have to let me. You have to trust me."

Julian didn't react for a long time. "At NME, I looked at you and didn't recognise you. I hated it."

Noel bit his lip and looked down at his boots. "Enough people have sent me that video for me to see what a mess I was."

"I shouldn't have shouted at you," Julian whispered, his breath hitching again. "You needed me and I was just so angry at you. I drove you away and if something had happened to you that week..."

"Yeah, well, I made it pretty hard for anyone to love me." He'd spent enough time talking about that time with councillors for the pain to be dulled. The self loathing didn't threaten to overwhelm him when he thought about how much damage he'd done. But it stung to see Julian in pain from his actions.

"I always loved you," Julian said. Noel's heart leapt at the admission. "It didn't matter how much you'd changed. But, with all of this and how successful Bake Off has been..."

Noel let out a breath, relieved to hear Julian finally admit it. "Ju," he said, taking the final step closer so he could reach out and touch him. He ran both hands the other man's arms and gripped his hands tightly. "It's not about to happen again. I have rules now. I only party with people I know and trust. No drugs unless it's a massive occasion and I know where it's from. I know my limits." He smiled. "I'm going to get a bit too drunk sometimes and be hungover but that's different from disappearing." He caught and held Julian's eye, determined to make him understand. "I was drinking and taking drugs because I was unhappy, not because I was successful. So, it's different now. I'm happy. Well, I am am when I'm not fighting with my boyfriend."

Julian's mouth quirked at the title. It still made him blush when Noel called him his boyfriend. It made Noel grin stupidly to see it so he did it as often as possible. "It's okay to be angry with what I did," Noel said. "But, I need to know if you can get past it."

Julian took a deep breath. "I honestly didn't realise I still was. I thought I was fine, it's just messing with my head, seeing you like this and being on set for the Boosh."

It figured that it hadn't even occurred to Julian that he was entitled to be annoyed. He stretched up to place a kiss on his cheek. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"I'm sorry I shouted," Julian breathed, the tension seeping from his shoulders. "I didn't mean it."

"I should hope not," Noel said. "You can make me dinner to make it up to me. You've been a shit this week."

Julian smiled. "I'm glad that you got help," he mumbled. "And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you enough at the time. It was selfish of me."

Noel wanted to deny it, but knew Julian hated it when he didn't just accept his apologies. "I'm sorry that I didn't ask for help until it was too late. Let's not do that again."

Julian kissed him hard, gathering him into his arms and tangling his hands in his hair. He'd always found it easier to show Noel how he felt than to say it. He didn't mind. The actions seemed to leave an imprint larger than any words.

They were late getting back to set, but no one mentioned it. The makeup team covered Julian's new love bites with only a little smirk and mock glare at Noel.

 

***

 

"And that's a wrap!" Paul beamed as he shouted out the final direction.

There was a moment of total silence before an eruption of cheers seemed to echo from everywhere at once. Julian was suddenly enveloped in a tangle of limbs.

"Principal filming on a bloody Boosh movie, Ju! We did it! Bloody hell!" Noel whispered into his ear before pressing a hard kiss into his neck.

Julian laughed, feeling buoyant and light in way he hadn't since the first day of filming. He took Noel in his arms and dipped him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. It started out as a peck but then Noel wrapped his arms around his neck and the world disappeared for a few minutes.

Rich was suddenly next to them. "My turn!" he bellowed and pulled Noel from Julian's arms before going for a dip of his own.

Noel shriek in mock terror. "No way! Get your hands off me," he shouted and then undermined his own words by hugging Rich tightly and placing a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

Dave was loitering behind them and Julian stepped over to continue the round of hugs. "Thanks for everything," he whispered to everyone in turn. His heart felt full with gratitude and awe that they'd managed to get this far.

"Wrap party at eight!" The producer yelled as people continued to hug and grin at each other.

"First drinks are on Paul!" Noel added with a cheeky grin and was then forced to duck the projectile sent his way in retaliation.

Noel gripped Julian's hand tightly as they made their way from set, he was giggling breathlessly at his side. Julian was giddy and he could feel his own smile plastered across his face as they stumbled back to his trailer. He didn't want to let go of Noel so he tugged him into the trailer with him.

"Can you believe it?" Noel said. He sounded breathless and his cheeks were flushed. "We actually made a film!"

"And it only took us twenty years!" Julian laughed as Noel planted himself in his lap.

"How late can we be to the wrap party?" Noel asked, looking up at him through his eyelashes.

"To our own wrap party that we've been planning for twenty years?" he asked, between the kisses Noel was peppering across his face.

"Yeah," Noel muttered, pulling his shirt out of his jeans so he could run his hands under it. "That one."

"Oh, an hour," he said with a smirk as Noel reached for his belt and slipped his hand inside. "Maybe two."

Noel leapt off his lap like he'd been electrocuted as the door burst open. Mike scowled at them, Naboo's turban already half falling off his head. "You two weren't about to start shagging were you?" He looked between them suspiciously.

"Chance would be a fine thing," Noel huffed.

Mike opened his mouth to reply but Dave came barrelling in carrying a bottle of champagne. "After party!" he cried, waving the bottle at them.

"These two were about to shag," Mike said bitterly.

Julian rolled his eyes and got up to fetch them all glasses. Mike and Noel would bicker for hours if given an audience. "Me got a bad feeling about this," Dave grunted in response and grinned at his own joke.

Julian's trailer was soon packed with people, most of whom seemed well on their way to party town before they even arrived. Noel constantly seemed to be on the other side of the room to him. Even after they managed to drag everyone to the official after party. They would occasionally make eye contact across the huge warehouse that had been co opted for the purpose, and start toward one another, only to be waylaid halfway there.

The party was huge and sprawling, covering the massive room and its partitions and filled with people. He didn't know most of them and it made spotting Noel hard. Eventually Julian saw him as he headed out of the main room, on his way to the toilet. He took long strides across the floor to intercept him. He wrapped his arms around the other man's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. "Good night?" he asked, and then placed a kiss on his neck.

Noel leant back into him and exhaled happily. "Great night," he confirmed. "I've missed you, though, where have you been?"

"Talking to every single person who has even heard about the film, apparently." He hadn't really minded. It was nice to see so much excitement about the project.

Noel wiggled around in his arms so he could face him. "Poor Ju, have you used up your quota for socialising for the year already?"

Julian grinned. "Pretty much. I'm moving to a cave after this."

Noel gave an exaggerated look around them before smiling up at him. "Wanna join me in the toilet before you pack everything and leave?" His eye makeup had started to run and his eyes were bright and a bit unfocused. He looked beautiful.

"I might be persuaded," he whispered.

Noel ducked his head and giggled. He turned and grabbed his hand to begin tugging him away. They were almost at the door when Paul came through it toward them.

"Guys!" he called. His shirt was untucked and he squinted at them with a lopsided grin. "It's my round!"

"It's a free bar," Julian pointed out.

"Exactly!" he beamed, holding his arms wide to shepherd them back into the main room. "Get anything you want!"

He had a moment to make eye contact with Noel and give a rueful smile before they were buffeted back into the main party.

Some time later Steve Coogan was talking animatedly at him. They were sitting in a corner of the huge room, Steve wanting somewhere he could smoke without being glared at too obviously. Julian blinked at him and tried to focus. "Next project" had definitely been part of the last sentence but he wasn't sure what it was in reference to.

"Grand idea!" he said at the next gap. He always ended up a bit more Northern when he was talking to Steve.

"We should do one," Steve said.

Julian nodded and wondered if he'd just agreed to something he'd regret later. He made a mental note not to sign anything Steve handed him in the next few hours.

"Can I be in the new Partridge series?" He wouldn't have had the nerve to ask so bluntly normally but he was buzzed and high from finishing the film. Besides it's what Noel would do and he was trying to be more open about things he wanted.

Steve glared at him. "You want to be in my show when I've never been allowed in yours?"

Julian tried to grin winningly at him but it was probably more of a leer. "I'm a good actor. I even get cast in things I don't write."

"I suppose Flowers wasn't total shit," he conceded.

High praise. "Great! Send me some scripts. Feel free to write anything you like. I'm pretty versatile."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "So I've heard," he said with a leer of his own.

Noel appeared at his side to save Julian from having to come up with an appropriate response. He leant into Julian so he could perch on the arm of his chair, his arm around Julian's back to steady himself. "What are you lads talking about?"

"My inherent flexibility and quality acting." He smiled up and was graced with an indulgent smile.

"That's what I say about you behind your back," he agreed. Then, as if they'd planned it, he looked at Steve and said, "Are you going to cast Julian in the new Partridge series?"

Steve got to his feet with a roll of his eyes. "Bloody hell, I liked you better when you weren't speaking. It's a nightmare having you both on at me. I can only make so many hit productions to hold up your careers."

"I'll get Amanda to set something up," Julian said with a wink. Steve gave him the middle finger and walked away.

"Are you going to be in it then?" Noel asked, shifting over and plonking himself down on Julian's lap.

Julian smiled. "Yeah, I reckon I can convince him. We just need to make him a few million with this first."

"Doesn't he get our souls if it flops anyway?" Noel asked, plunking Julian's beer from his fingers and taking a swig.

Julian took back the bottle and drank. "I think we changed that to you as his live-in sex slave actually."

"Fuck off," he said. "I rewrote that to be Dave."

Julian laughed. "Good idea. You always were the brains of the operation."

"Have you thought about it much?" Noel asked, his face serious and intent in the dim light.

"About what?" he asked, reaching out to stroke some hair that had fallen in Noel's eyes.

"About after." Noel nestled into his hand and closed his eyes.

"Not really," he admitted. "Flowers will be out soon, I guess, and then there's always voiceover stuff and obviously I'm starring in the new Partridge series."

Noel laid his head against Julian's. "I have Bake Off, too. But, like, what about maybe a new live show?"

Julian froze. "With the Boosh?"

Noel opened his eyes, they were close, Julian could easily lean in and close the distance between them. "Yeah," he breathed, his eyes wide. "I thought it might be nice."

Julian's heart was beating a bit faster and he felt lightheaded. "Yeah," he agreed softly. "It would be."

Noel's eyes lit up with pleasure. He was leaning in to press his lips to Julian's when there was a loud clearing of a throat behind them. They both jumped and looked up.

Amanda was stood over them, a stern look on her face. "We don't know everyone here," she said. "Off his lap or the plan I've been working on for months will be ruined."

"This whole night is just a massive series of cockblocks," Noel grumbled but he got to his feet anyway. "I best go and mingle in case the spies notice us."

Julian tried to suppress his smile at Noel's sulky tone but he couldn't do it. "Who the hell let you in here, anyway?" he asked after Noel had disappeared.

Amanda smiled thinly and took the empty seat Steve had left. "I snuck in the back, security is terrible." Julian laughed. "I wanted to congratulate you both."

He grimaced. "Not yet," he said. "The edit is still to come and it might turn out we fucked it or forgot to record anything."

"True, but you at least got to the filming of this one," she said. "I congratulate improvement."

He held out his bottle in a mock salute. "Thank you."

"Are you both okay?" she asked. "Other than trying to out yourselves at every opportunity."

He shifted, the alcohol not enough to mask his guilt at not being more careful and embarrassment at being caught. "We, ah, we're erm-"

"Oh for goodness sake," she said. "I don't need details of your sex life, it was just a polite enquiry."

Julian took another drink to hide his discomfort. "We're fine," he managed. The strangeness of talking for them both hadn't faded over the months. Perhaps because it was still mostly secret. Although he never liked talking for someone else. It felt presumptuous and left him vulnerable to being seen to overstep his boundaries.

She nodded. "Good," she leant forward and patted his knee like a kindly aunt. "I'm pleased for you both and it's not too long now. I'm amazed you haven't already made the front page of The Sun with that sort of behaviour."

Julian shrugged. "Heteronormativity."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Be careful, this is going to be big news, especially because Bake Off was so big and the buzz about the film is growing. If you don't let me manage it-"

Julian waved her off, it was making him squirm uncomfortably. He hated talking about their relationship as a liability. "I get it," he said. "We'll hold off on ruining our careers until you say we can."

"You're not going to ruin anything," she said firmly. "But you are going to let me run the show and that means at least one interview after the announcement. Dan-"

Julian got to his feet. "Can we not do this now? I'm pissed and Noel isn't here."

"You've been ignoring my calls and emails." She didn't sound angry, which is what made Julian pause and not sweep away from the conversation.

"It's been a busy few months," he said lamely.

She nodded as though that really were the reason. "We have to talk about it."

Julian took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

She let out a sigh and visibly relaxed. "I'll set up a meeting at my office," she said.

He nodded again. They stood awkwardly for a beat. "I'm going to be in the new Partridge series."

 

TBC


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noel was fully dressed, hair done, when he entered the room. He stopped, sensing something was wrong immediately. Noel was standing stock still and staring ahead blankly. He was tense, holding himself tight and still. Something like dread settled in Julian's stomach. 
> 
> "Noel?" He spoke softly, as though not sure he actually wanted to be heard. 
> 
> Noel startled despite the soft tone. He looked up at Julian and plastered a smile across his face. It looked all wrong. 
> 
> "What's going on?" He had intended to work his way up to asking but fear made him just blurt out the question. He sounded panicked even to his own ears. 
> 
> "Nothing." Noel shook his head and made to move by Julian and out of the room. "Shall we go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go. The final chapter. Can't believe we're actually here. Thanks for all the comments and encouragement over the last few weeks. It's been a blast.
> 
> This chapter has some very lovely art by the amazing turn-to-silver-glass. You can see it here: http://turn-to-silver-glass.tumblr.com/post/172213414769/noel-laughed-into-his-chest-he-didnt-move-away Be sure to check out the rest of their art too!

Chapter ten

  
Noel watched Julian while trying very hard not to look like that was what he was doing. It was a skill he'd honed over the years. Not that he really needed to deploy it now. Julian wasn't looking at him. He wasn't looking at anything. He'd been sitting in the corner of the editing room for over an hour, staring ahead with a deep frown on his face.

A dark cloud had been gathering above Julian for a couple of weeks, but it looked like it had finally landed. He knew the pattern of his moods so well that he supposed he shouldn't still be surprised by them, but he was. Like people were surprised every year that it stayed light until ten at night in summer, he was surprised at the depths of Julian's moods. When he was happy and animated it was impossible to imagine that he could be lethargic to the point of immobile when his moods dipped. He'd known Julian to stay in bed for a week after some perceived failure.

They'd taken a break from editing so everyone could get some food. But so far, Julian hadn't even acknowledged the break.

Noel hadn't been prepared for editing a film. He figured it would be like the TV show only slightly longer. But it wasn't like that at all. It almost felt like they were starting from scratch, or creating a jigsaw puzzle without a picture to work from. Noel found it hard to see the same scene over and over. But he could see the process was weighing heavily on Julian.

It was surprising that it had taken this long. Fights aside, Julian had been in surprisingly good form throughout the process. He'd expected at least a few meltdowns along the way, but Julian had remained optimistic about the whole project. Noel wondered now if he'd been masking his fears for the sake of keeping the peace and it was now too much for him: he looked exhausted.

Noel had often seen, over the years, how much it took for Julian to maintain an upbeat mood. He needed down time to regain his energy, otherwise there was always a crash back down to Earth. He'd tried to build in time for it but Julian had resisted every suggestion that they lay off the unrelenting schedule of work. Without the time off, Julian didn't seem to have the energy to fight off his inner critics. Noel had been watching him slowly start to doubt every decision. It was painful watching Julian watch himself on screen sometimes. Where Noel saw only brilliant and funny performances Julian saw mistakes and missteps.

He hadn't so far spread his bad mood to the wider film, but it was only a matter of time. Noel suspected that it was only Julian's desire not to be be rude about about other people's work on the film that was holding him back. It was almost funny, watching Julian try to find ways to beat himself up. Two aspects of his personality were at war with each other. He wanted to protect Noel; he hated it when anyone aimed even vague criticism at him. But Julian was also determined to find fault with everything he did personally. That was problematic when they'd written every word of the film together.

He had to admit the film was looking a bit messy and flabby. Noel was confident they'd find the narrative and hone it, but it was a bit depressing seeing scenes they'd worked so hard on falling flat. But Julian was taking it harder than anyone and the next step would be to turn the anger outward. Someone was going to get shouted at, and Noel thought it was probably best that it was him. Besides, Julian usually let Noel do anything he wanted in the bedroom after he'd been a prick and that made a bit of yelling worth it.

He wondered if it was worth picking a fight to speed the process up, but he dismissed it. There was a chance of being distracted by something else he if chose the topic of the disagreement. He wanted Julian to talk to him about his fears so he could soothe him. Not that he'd ever been able to get him to do that before. It usually came out over the course of a couple of fights.

But then, he hadn't had a full set of weapons at his disposal before. He glanced around. They were alone in the editing room. Mark had left for lunch.

He took a deep breath before standing and making his way over to Julian. He didn't look up until Noel had straddled his lap and carefully lowered himself down until they were eye level. It was a testament to his dark mood that he didn't smile or roll his eyes. His hands did come to rest on Noel's arse which proved it wasn't a completely lost cause at least.

"What's up?" Noel asked softly, he didn't try to make eye contact. Instead he leaned forward to press a kiss to the side of Julian's neck softly.

"Nothing," he said, his voice flat.

Noel had expected that. He couldn't remember a time Julian had come right out and told him when something was bothering him. Even when it was plain what it was. Noel knew Julian was worried about the movie. He must also know that Noel knew he was worried about it. But he'd never admit it. He wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was just admitting weakness. Or maybe he was trying to protect him.

"You seem stressed," Noel kept his voice light, placing another kiss just under Julian's ear. He knew it was a cheap shot, but couldn't suppress a little smirk when Julian tipped his head to allow him better access.

Julian was quiet and Noel let him be, content to press kisses down the line of his throat.

"The edit's running long," Julian said eventually. His voice was flat, to most people he'd sound completely unaffected but Noel could hear the tension in his voice. It was like he was admitting to something terrible.

He was careful not to react, instead pushing his hands up and under Julian's jumper. He tugged at the material underneath until he found skin and gently slid his hands up to his chest. "Yeah, who knew we filmed so much footage?" He placed a kiss on Julian's lips, while his hands roamed over his chest and down to his stomach. He chose his next words carefully. "Are you disappointed with it?"

Julian tensed under his hands. Noel responded by attaching his lips back to the side of his neck and kissing the soft skin there before giving it a gentle nip. He slid his hands down until they dipped under the waistband of Julian's jeans. They were too big for him since he'd lost weight for the film and Noel made a mental note to buy him some new ones. Slowly he felt Julian begin to relax.

"It's just," he said, moving to drop a kiss on Noel's cheek, "it looks so different from how I imagined it."

"Different how?" he asked, his hand slipping into Julian's boxers. He paused to kiss him softly before pulling back to resume moving his hand down to find Julian already hard and straining against him.

"I don't know," he whispered, craning his neck for another kiss. "It's just not... I don't know."

Noel tried not to smile. He could see it now. Julian was desperate to tell him. The words were ready to fall out of him, but they were trapped. Julian was keeping them bottled up, despite wanting to tell him. He just needed to help to release them. He wondered how he'd never seen that before. Maybe he'd been so scared of annoying Julian that he'd never really looked.

"It is looking a bit messy," Noel said, and then started work on Julian's fly to distract him from the words.

Julian's eyes flicked to the door over Noel's shoulder and then down to his hands, but made no move to stop him. He grinned and kissed Julian hard. He'd always half expected him to be a bit of prude when it came to sex but the opposite was true. Noel thought about seeing if there was a lock on the door, but decided against it. Mark usually took an hour. Besides, he'd probably seen worse in his time.

"It's just," Julian said, not quite meeting Noel's eyes. "I think it'll be fine."

Noel rolled his eyes and shifted about on Julian's lap to get better purchase, moving his hand so he could get a better grip. "What were you thinking before I came over?" he asked as he began to move his hand slowly. He went back to kissing Julian's neck, so Julian didn't feel like he had to make eye contact.

"It's just," he said, his breathing starting to hitch. "It's like... It's not funny."

Noel let out a breath, relieved to hear Julian say it out loud. He swallowed the desire to leap in and deny it, instead kissing him on the lips. He kept his hand moving in slow, long strokes.

"What would make it funny?" he asked, when they pulled back from another kiss.

"I don't know," Julian said and then paused. "What if," he tired again, his eyes fluttering shut. "What if..."

Noel didn't push, instead he concentrated on moving his hand just right, finishing with a slight twist and moving his other hand to run over Julian's chest. "Hmmm?" he hummed, kissing along his throat and jaw.

"What if I messed it up by insisting we didn't just film it all in the studio?"

He felt them both relax when the words were finally out in the open. He kissed Julian's closed eyes and dropped another onto his forehead. He was so relieved that he'd told him what was bothering him, he felt almost weightless. He couldn't remember the last time he'd managed to coax a confession like that out of him. He took his time before answering, waiting until Julian's breath was coming in muffled gasps.

"I think the stuff in the school probably isn't working," Noel said softly. It was his own fear about the film. If they just ditched it, the run time would be shorter and he suspected the whole thing would be able to breathe. But he'd insisted on filming it because he loved some of the lines in the scenes. Just like Julian had fought for a slightly more realistic look.

Julian's eyes opened again, meeting Noel's for the first time since he'd come over. He kissed him hard as Noel moved his hand faster. Julian pulled him close as he came with hiss. Noel kissed him gently, pulling his hand out and reaching for the tissues handily sitting on the table next to them.

"I love the stuff out of the studio," he said after a moment. "We just need to drop the first part."

Julian froze, as though he'd forgotten that he'd spoken. He frowned again. "I shouldn't have pushed so hard for it. It was expensive and it's making it look uneven."

Noel kissed him instead of answering. "Let's wait until we see the grade. But I really like it. We wanted it to look different - that was the point. Besides, it was my idea to leave the studio, you've just been pretending it was yours because you always steal my best ideas." It was sort of true, Noel had been the one to suggest it, but Julian had been the one to really run with it and make sure it happened.

"And I came up with the school stuff," he said, which was also true but Noel was the one who didn't want it dropped from the shoot schedule even though it hadn't really worked when they'd been rehearsing it.

"I just..." Julian trailed off and looked sad. "I want this to be the best thing we've ever done and it isn't. I hate some of the choices I've made - it's like I've forgotten how to be Howard."

Noel blinked. He thought Julian would be done with explaining his feelings. "It's so weird seeing us like that again," Noel said carefully. "We are different. But, that was the point. It's looking a bit bloated but wait until it's finished. It's honestly some of the best work you've ever done."

Julian didn't respond, but he hadn't really expected him to. But then he smiled. A little thing but it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. "You can't just distract me with sex every time I'm stressed," he said after a moment.

"You just watch me," Noel said, standing up because his legs were starting to cramp.

"We'll get a reputation and no will work with us." He was obviously aiming for stern but he looked fond and relaxed so Noel couldn't find it in him to care.

He dropped a kiss on Julian's forehead. "It's worth it to see you smile."

Julian blushed and tugged on his jumper, trying to make himself look decent and less like they'd been having sex. Noel thought they were playing it cool until Mark came back in. He sniffed and eyed the two of them suspiciously. Noel grinned into his hand as Julian stuttered his way through some suggested changes. It was totally worth it.

***

"Noel," Julian called, walking out of the living room to make sure his voice carried to the bedroom. He resisted the urge to tug at the collar of his suit. Noel had insisted he wear one that actually fitted him, which apparently meant clung to him at every point. It felt like he couldn't breathe but Noel would tut at him and spend another five minutes fussing if he pulled anything lose. "Are you ready? The car's going to be here soon."

"Yeah," Noel's voice floated back. "Nearly ready."

Julian didn't roll his eyes only through a Herculean force of will. Nearly ready could mean anything from ten to ninety minutes away. He followed Noel's voice down the hall to the bedroom. It wouldn't do any good but at least seeing how far off he was meant he could text the driver.

Noel was fully dressed, hair done, when he entered the room. He stopped, sensing something was wrong immediately. Noel was standing stock still and staring ahead blankly. He was tense, holding himself tight and still. Something like dread settled in Julian's stomach.

"Noel?" He spoke softly, as though not sure he actually wanted to be heard.

Noel startled despite the soft tone. He looked up at Julian and plastered a smile across his face. It looked all wrong.

"What's going on?" He had intended to work his way up to asking but fear made him just blurt out the question. He sounded panicked even to his own ears.

"Nothing." Noel shook his head and made to move by Julian and out of the room. "Shall we go?"

His heart was hammering in his chest. A thousand thoughts all ran through his head but he tried to push them away. Noel was just worried about the screening. It was the first time anyone was going to see it. Of course he was worried. That was all it was. Julian was nervous too. There wasn't any reason to think something bad was about to happen.

But he hadn't seen Noel look like that before. He moved to block his exit. "What's wrong?" he tried again.

"It's really nothing," Noel said to his boots. "Seriously, we can talk about it later."

"I don't want to talk about it later," Julian said, his voice was getting hard from fear. "Tell me what's wrong."

Noel look up at him and stared for a moment before rolling his eyes. "Bloody hell, Ju, calm down I'm not about to murder your family."

Julian relaxed immediately. Noel wouldn't be making jokes if he were about to say something dreadful. "Then you can tell me," he said, the vestiges of fear still lingering.

Noel was fidgeting. "I was going to do it after," he said.

"Do what after?" Julian ducked his head trying to get Noel to look at him again.

Noel heaved a great sigh. "It's just this." He walked over to the chest of draws by the door. He paused before very slowly pulling open a draw.

Something about the way he did it made Julian not want to look inside. He edged closer and very slowly made himself look at it. He stared for a long time. Then, slowly, he said, "It's a draw."

Noel nodded gravely. "An empty draw." Julian got the impression he was missing something. He waited for a moment and Noel took the cue to continue. "I thought maybe... I thought it could maybe be your draw."

"My draw?" He imagined for a dizzying moment pulling the draw out of the chest and taking it home with him.

"You could put your things in there." Noel still wasn't looking at him. "You know. Permanently. So you didn't have to go back to the house."

Realisation slowly dawned on him. Noel was asking him to move in with him. He blinked for a few moments. "You're giving me one draw?" he said, a smile starting to pull at the edges of his mouth. "You have two entire rooms for your clothes."

Noel looked up at him and met his eye for the first time. He seemed to get that Julian was agreeing to his suggestion immediately. "Well, you only have about two t-shirts and some million year old jeans anyway." He said dismissively. "And I had to throw away some really good socks to get even this empty."

Julian laughed. "I'll have you know, I have some classics. I'm not getting rid of any of my cardigans, some of those are considered antiques at this point. We can get rid of your wardrobe from '99 and make room for them."

Noel looked horrified. "No way! That's when I started buying jumpsuits." They grinned at each other. Noel bit his lip and looked away, suddenly seeming shy. "But you..." he squirmed a bit. "You want the draw?"

Julian's chest flooded with emotion. "Yes," he said, his voice hoarse. "Yes, very much."

He was enveloped into a tangle of limbs as Noel clung to him. "I was going to wait until after tonight in case it doesn't..." He stopped, his voice tight. "In case people don't laugh, but I couldn't wait. I was so nervous. Sorry."

"Hey," Julian said softly. "It's good. It's a nice surprise. You throwing away clothes is probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me."

Noel laughed into his chest. He didn't move away, so Julian rested his cheek on Noel's head and closed his eyes. It felt comfortable and right. He tried not to think about what had just happened. It was huge and if he let himself start to think about it, he'd ruin the moment. He'd spend the night considering every outcome and all the pitfalls that might come with it. Instead, he concentrated hard on how Noel felt in his arms, the smell of his hairspray and how he was just the right height to lay his head on.

People did laugh. Julian fidgeted through the entire film, half desperate to leave and not see it and half desperate to know what people thought of it. Noel grabbed his hand as the lights dimmed and didn't let go until the end of the credits.

Through the party afterwards where Julian met a seemingly unending procession of suited men who wanted to congratulate him, he thought of Noel and his empty draw and smiled.  
  
***  
  
The Boosh film was edited and waiting for release. Noel turned the thought over in head a few times. It felt unreal, despite the fact he'd been intimately involved in its creation at every stage. But the idea that the general public were soon going to see it felt crazy.

Promotion was about to start and they were called to Amanda's office to talk through strategy. It bugged Julian that they couldn't talk about the film without talking about their grand coming out. Noel understood why but he quite liked it. They were the Boosh. It was about them and their relationship and always had been. It made sense they would be related.

"Now's the time to start dropping hints," Amanda said with a smile.

"What's that mean?" Julian had a way of making his questions sound like accusations. It unnerved people and was often a useful tactic for getting them out of things they didn't want to do.

It didn't work on Amanda. "I mean, gentlemen," she said. "That it's time to ramp up speculation about the two of you. We're tracking social and traditional media and there's the usual chatter about you two, but we need to move it more into the mainstream. So, and I know this will be hard for you both," she said, her tone sarcastic, "you need to flirt during this promo cycle; tease each other, introduce pet names, hold hands-"

"We've been flirting in interviews for twenty years," Noel cut in to point out. "I think we can handle it."

Amanda smiled tightly at them. "We'll be running interference to keep the questions tight but have fun with it." She paused, looking uncertain, which was unusual for her. "We've put a draft together for the announcement. I know we talked about it coming from us as a simple affirmation but I think it's important that you both say something."

Julian was practically squirming in his seat. Noel looked at him, trying to gauge what he was thinking. They avoided talking too much about the public aspect of their lives. It was too strange and abstract. He knew that Julian valued his privacy in a way Noel didn't, but also his honesty in a way Noel didn't. He was happy to shine a story up to make it happier or the participants look good. Julian hated that and found it deceitful. Noel downplayed his drug taking and the number of people he'd slept with because people didn't want to see him like that. They wanted a playful tease, not someone who might have been a bit messed up and had hurt the people he loved. He didn't see it as lying so much as giving people what they wanted. Julian was honest almost to a fault, even if it was rude. He couldn't help himself.

Julian's honesty and privacy had always warred with each other and he wondered how it was playing out in the other man's head.

"What do you mean, say something?" Julian asked. He looked pensive but not horrified.

"Your fans are going to want to hear it from you," she said. "The worst outcome from all of this is that it looks like you're ashamed or embarrassed or that you were forced out of the closet. It doesn't have to be a big thing but the statement could come from you direct."

Noel leant forward. He hated offering input that he hadn't pre-agreed with Julian but it was something he'd been thinking about too. He owed something to his fans. Not all of him. But a piece. "I thought I could do something on social media. Maybe tweet or Instagram? We could both put out the statement through that too?"

Julian was still for a long moment, his face unreadable. Then he nodded. "Okay, but we'll write it. I don't want it to sound like anyone else." He rubbed his hand over his face. "And then I'm never talking about it again.”

"I'll send you our draft," Amanda said firmly. "You can use it as a guide for what not to do, if you like, but I think it'll be useful. And I think you should do an interview. I can line up Dan and we'll control everything but you need to set out the story or you're going to be answering questions forever."

Julian shrugged. It was probably as close to an agreement as they'd get.

"Thanks," Noel said to Amanda, into the silence. "I know this is not what you thought you'd be getting when we decided to do the film."

"Please," she said with a wave of her hand, "I've never seen either of you so happy, I'm delighted to help."

They wrapped up the meeting and Noel walked close to Julian as they left, their arms brushing. He thought about holding his hand but decided against it. Not yet.

"What do you think?" he said, once they were safely in the car and heading home.

Julian was silent as he changed gears before glancing at Noel out of the corner of his eye. "She's right and I hate it when that happens."

"So you know how you want to do it?" Noel asked, his heart was beating a bit faster. It always happened when they talked about coming out. He wasn't sure how much was fear and how much was excitement. But maybe it didn't matter. He wanted to go public and they'd have to deal with the repercussions when they came.

Julian sighed, and glared into the traffic stretching out before them. It had started to rain and he flicked on the wipers. It added a soothing background noise to the journey. "Let's just do the promo and figure it out after that. If we bomb at the box office, it's won't much matter anyway."

Noel didn't think what was true but he didn't see the point in arguing. "Okay, we just like, drop hints in the promo interviews? How's that going to work?"

"Fucked if I know," Julian said as he changed lanes to turn into their street.

As it turned out it was Julian that started it. They'd always sat close in interviews, even if they started at opposite sides of a sofa, they somehow ended up scrunched together by the end. Partly it was Julian's discomfort with interviews and Noel's desire to comfort him. But it also felt more natural to be right next to each other. It was like having something in your teeth when he could see him but not touch. But this time they made a point of it, of being pressed together as closely as possible.  
  
"Julian," the interviewer said with a grin. "I hear you're house hunting. How's that going? London can be a nightmare."  
  
It had been a bit they'd done, Amanda had been keen that they make the point he was single without drawing attention to it. So Julian had come up with a whole bit about the nightmare of house hunting in London.  
  
"It's crap," Julian agreed easily. "I've seen things that I can never unsee."  
  
The interviewer laughed. "I walked in on a couple having sex once when looking around a house."  
  
"That's the least of it." It helped that he had been house hunting, at least before they'd decided to move in together. So Noel supposed it felt less like a lie. "That seems wholesome in comparison."  
  
"Oh dear, well, I have a spare room if it gets too much," he said, with what Noel felt to be a bit more of a flirtatious wink than was entirely necessary. They all seemed to be at since that bloody Dan Perry thing. It was like they suddenly thought Julian would be totally up for it. Julian mostly looked uncomfortable and stared at Noel until he intervened.  
  
"I've moved in with Noel, actually," Julian said. Simple as that. Noel felt his heart hammering in his chest at the words. He concentrated on keeping his smile in place and not outwardly reacting.  
  
The interviewer paused for a moment, glancing at Julian, trying to figure out if it was a joke or not. "Oh really?"  
  
"Yeah," Noel said, "it's easier that way. Otherwise we're just on the phone all the time anyway."  
  
"Or pining for each other," Dave added and the others laughed.  
  
The interviewer carried on, clearly not sure what to make of the exchange but not having enough time to really ask.  
  
"Well," Noel said, grabbing Julian's hand after it was over. "The fans are going to go fucking nuts when that one comes out."  
  
Julian just raised an eyebrow at the unintended pun and brought Noel's hand to his mouth for a kiss.  
  
It became a game after that, trying to drop hints without getting asked anything directly.  
  
"Noel, you're a ladies man," one hapless interviewer said.  
  
"Well," Noel said, "sometimes. But it's not always about ladies, is it?"  
  
It was a live interview so there wasn't much for the interviewer to do but laugh. "Oh yeah?"  
  
"Got to mix it up," Julian agreed.  
  
"I don't think it's important to even keep it in the earthly realm," Mike finished drawing attention and moving the conversation on.  
  
"Noel's always been the love of my life," Julian said once, making Noel blush and then giggle like a schoolgirl. It was in answer to a question about them working with other people, but still.  
  
"That's what we realised," Noel agreed, "after being apart for so long. We really just wanted to be together." A bit on the nose but it was also true on both counts.  
  
"Aww," it was a female interviewer and she was lapping it up, "there's a lot of love in this room right now," she said.  
  
"You really have no idea," Julian grinned.  
  
Amanda called them a couple of days later. "Well, you're clearly enjoying yourselves," she said.  
  
Noel laughed. "Yeah, it's alright. It's nice to be doing this together again."  
  
"You'll be pleased to know the rumour mill is going into overdrive." She sounded amused if a bit exasperated with them.  
  
"Yeah?" he said, with a giggle.  
  
"Absolutely," she said. "Mostly online currently, with your old fans. But it won't be long until journalists start speculating."  
  
Noel felt his stomach drop a bit, realising how close it was to everyone knowing. "What are you going to say?" His voice came out smaller than he intended.  
  
"Nothing for now," she said. "We need to wait until the box office is clear really. We've got a non-denial denial ready."  
  
"Okay," he said.  
  
There was a long pause. "Noel," she said, her voice serious. "It's not a done deal yet. You can both still change your minds. This is huge. You don't have to be ready for it."  
  
Hearing confirmation that he didn't have to do anything calmed him. He took a deep breath. "No," he said. "I'm sure. It's just so big. I'm a bit freaked out. I just wish it was already over with."  
  
"Alright," she confirmed. "I'll keep you updated on the media. Until then, I'd keep a low profile. We want to keep people guessing for now so try not to be seen with each other for a few days."  
  
"Yeah, no worries. Speak soon." Noel hung up and looked over at Julian who smiled at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Love you." He mouthed over at him, just because he could and felt a little thrill at the idea that he could soon be saying it out loud for all the world to hear.

***

Julian threw up on the day of premier. Twice. He couldn't remember the last time he'd done that. It must have been before a Boosh performance, but he wasn't sure which one. Even at the O2 he'd felt queasy but mostly confident they'd be fine. Now he was a mess.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact problem, no matter how many people asked him what it was. They'd put a lot of themselves into the movie and he'd be crushed if it flopped. He would have been if Mindhorn had too, but this was different. He'd had something to prove with Mindhorn but the Boosh movie had a level of expectation he found claustrophobic. It was part of why they hadn't written the last one.

"Ju?" Noel had called through the bathroom door. His voice was gentle and sympathetic which made it worse. "The car's here."

He washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. "Alright, I'm coming," he said slowly.

Noel hugged him tightly when he opened the door. "It's going to be fine," he whispered. "The early reviews were really good."

He'd nodded but had to force himself to release Noel from the hug. It wasn't exactly that he thought their relationship was bound up with the movie. But, he was aware it had been the focus of it. If the movie sucked, or even if it didn't, what would they do now? They'd mostly locked themselves into announcing they were a couple. Every time he thought about it being out in the open he felt jittery.

The feeling didn't go away after the movie was released. Not even when the box office was better than pretty much anyone had expected. Apparently nostalgic fantasy romps with homoerotic subtext was just what the British public were after. There was talk of a limited cinema release in the US and elsewhere.

"We're stars!" Noel yelled as they cracked the champagne open at one of a series of celebratory parties.

He hadn't wanted to ask if the sudden success meant Noel felt differently about coming out. It must have occurred to him. It had certainly occurred to Amanda who called them into the office to lay out the offers that were coming in for both of them. She didn't outright say some of them might be withdrawn after the announcement but she danced around it enough that her meaning was clear.

"Are we making a huge mistake?" he burst out when he couldn't take it any longer.

"What?" Noel turned his head to him.

"You're getting movie scripts!" Julian gestured at the desk separating them from Amanda. "What if that all goes away when you tell everyone you're shagging the old man in the film with you?”

"What are you talking about?" Noel looked hurt and confused and Julian felt guilty for bringing it up in front of Amanda.

"You're both getting offers," she cut in smoothly. "But that's not the point. I'm not going to pretend to know what's going to happen when the announcement is made, but these offers are not, and I'm sorry boys, based on the flocks of women you send to the cinema to drink in your fine physical forms. They're based on you being good comedic actors. But, you know, people are arseholes and homophobia is still a consideration." She smiled at them before getting to her feet. "I'll leave you to talk."

"I don't want to mess anything up for you," Julian said firmly the moment the door was shut.

"I don't know where you get off thinking you get to make my decisions for me," Noel said. "I never even said I wanted to do those films. They're in America and I'd have to be away from you and I've got Bake Off, which I love, and my painting. So, if me loving you makes these offers go away then that just makes my life easier. I don't want to work with anyone who'd withdraw it because of that."

"The fans-" he tried.

"Dear God," Noel cried. "We built the Boosh on our sexual tension. If they're really surprised by this they're idiots. But fuck them if they don't want us to be happy."

Julian let out a slow breath.

"But if you don't want to come out-" Noel cut himself off. "I guess that's different. You're a serious actor. Mine are all based on my being weird looking and being happy to be in drag. Being gay will probably help. It's more likely to hurt you - you've got kids. You're the manly man..." He trailed off and shrugged. "I'd get it if you'd changed your mind."

Julian let his words sink in and turned them over in his head. Was that what he was worried about? There were plenty of things he still wanted to achieve and the idea of messing up his chance was scary. "What gives me the best chance of keeping you in my life, like this?"

Noel was whole face softened. "Telling the whole world and making a big deal of it so we're both too embarrassed to backtrack later?"

Julian laughed. By the time Amanda returned Noel was in his lap.

"Ju!" Noel called, a couple of weeks later. "You should read some of these comments. They are well filthy."

Julian looked over the top of his book. "What are you talking about?" he wasn't sure he wanted to know, but if he didn't address the comment Noel would only repeat it until he did.

"That report Amanda sent over with the tracking in," he said. "Have you looked at it?"

"Do you read those?" he asked, genuinely confused. "I thought you deleted all her emails out of principle."

"Usually," he agreed easily, "but she's been tracking sentiment as they ramp up to the announcement and I couldn't help myself."

Julian had been trying his level best to ignore the whole thing. "What is she even tracking?"

"They're trying to figure out how the fans might react so we can - I don't know, do something about it? I don't read that bit." He didn't seem embarrassed by that admission as he continued. "But they're going mental ever since you told them we're living together. You should see it."

He grimaced. "I can literally think of nothing worse."

Noel giggled. "It is really strange. But, they seem to really care about us." He looked serious as he met Julian's eye. "I think it's going to be okay."

Julian nodded, feeling touched and emotional and totally unsure how to express it. They'd sent Amanda their statement so she could issue it after they'd both posted it to their Instagram accounts. They'd agreed to do it that day but had been avoiding the subject since they got up. It felt so final.

"I'll call Amanda," he said, his voice softer than he expected.

Noel's eyes snapped back to him but he gave a slow nod. "Okay."

Julian didn't need to explain why he was calling. Amanda simply answered her phone with, "Is it time?"

"Yeah," Julian swallowed past the lump in his throat, "Yeah, we'll post it after this."

"Okay, we'll wait until we see it and issue it out." There was a beat of silence. "I'm proud of you both."

"Oh God," Julian said, with a soft laugh. "Do shut up. It's just a three paragraph statement. We'll be fine."

"Turn off your phone when you're done,” Amanda said, “I mean it. After this goes out you’re really not going to want to look at the news or any reactions for at least a week. It’s honestly not worth it. I’ll keep you in the loop about anything vital.”  
  
“How are you going to do that if my phone’s off?” he couldn’t help but ask.  
  
“I’ll come round you prat,” she laughed. “It’s going to be fine, but the first few days are always so mixed it’s better to not think about. Just hole up with Noel and do whatever it is you guys do with each other for a week until it all dies down.”  
  
He nodded, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. Noel's rented flat, where they wrote the treatment, was empty and waiting for them after the announcement. They'd both agreed it would be better if media - and everyone else - didn't know where to find them for a little while. Julia was in Italy with the boys for a few weeks. It was the right time even if there seemed to be no such time.  
  
"And don’t brood," she snapped as though she could see him doing it already. "Enjoy it.”  
  
“Yeah, sounds like me," he said and hung up the phone.

"Ready?" Noel stood up and met Julian in the middle of the room.

"I guess so,” he said softly with a shrug. "Let's do it."

***  
  
The buzzing brought him to wakefulness all at once. He blinked and groped out a hand to find his phone. It hit his glass of water and it tipped, knocking water onto his hand. He swore as he located his phone and brought it up to his face. He squinted at the screen, the light making it hard to focus on the word.  
  
Barratt.  
  
He frowned and poked at the screen. "Hello?"  
  
It was silent on the other end. "Noel?"  
  
He rolled over and checked that there was indeed an empty space next to him. "Where are you?"  
  
"I'm in the living room," he answered.  
  
Noel hauled himself out of bed and to his feet. "And you're calling me why?"  
  
"The phone ban ended and I turned on my phone and then I didn't want to look so I just... called you instead." He could hear the embarrassment in Julian's voice but under that was genuine fear.  
  
It had been strange to be back in the rented flat again, with everything that had happened since, but also fitting. They'd kept to their agreement not to look at their phones or media of any kind until a week had passed. They’d been using one of his old phones for emergencies and for Julian to talk to the boys if needed, which is what Julian had called to wake him.

Noel had found being disconnected freeing. He'd painted a lot when they weren't writing for the new tour they wanted to put together or having sex. It was probably one of the best weeks of his life, if he just ignored the underlying tension. Although he could see the toll it was taking on Julian. Despite their continued agreement that it was the best idea he still seemed convinced that Noel might suddenly decide it was a huge mistake. He just hoped he wasn’t projecting because it was much too late now.  
  
“Hang on,” he said and hung up the phone. He stretched before making his way out of the bedroom.  
  
He was proud of the statement they’d written together on Noel’s phone and screenshotted to post to their Instagrams. It didn’t say everything he wanted to, but then there were whole books he could write about the way Julian made him feel, so he’d needed to compromise. They’d tried to add in some humour and reassurance that nothing would really change. He just hoped that people would, in some way, understand where they were coming from. Julian had been reading over the statement whenever he thought Noel might not notice, as though it might suddenly change or reveal what the reaction to it had been.  
  
Julian was sitting on the floor of the living room, his back pressed to the sofa. He was looking down at the blank phone in his hand. He looked up at Noel and smiled. It was a sad, little thing, but at least he was trying. “It kept getting a stream of messages, so I turned it off.”  
  
Noel nodded and slowly sat down next to him. They’d agreed to look at their phones in the morning, but it didn’t really surprise him that Julian had wanted to do it alone. He was surprised that he’d called for help when it got too much. The thought warmed him, even as his nerves were starting to fray. “Shall I get my phone and we can look together?”  
  
“At what?” Julian asked.  
  
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe nothing’s happened and the press didn’t write it up at all and all our fans just shrugged and didn’t comment?”  
  
Julian smiled. “That would be pretty anticlimactic.”  
  
“Yeah, I bet you’d be really disappointed.” Noel nudged Julian’s arm. “Seriously, though, what are you most worried about? The headlines? The fans? Amanda’s updates on various offers that have been withdrawn?”  
  
He’d been avoiding thinking about that part himself. They’d told all their closest friends and family, so he wasn’t so concerned about anyone’s personal reaction. It was the impact on work that was nagging at both of them. He’d worked so hard to build a career after the Boosh that he really didn’t want to see it all disappear. Amanda had worked with the Bake Off team who had been nothing but supportive. Although, he wondered how long that would last if things got nasty. He sighed and got to his feet. They’d both placed their phones in a draw in the kitchen with the promise to each other that they would stay there for at least a week. Once he’d retrieved it, he held it in his hand, feeling the cool metal in his palm and wondered what he’d find once it was switched on. He held down the power button as he walked back to Julian and by the time he was sitting next to him on the floor, his home screen had appeared.  
  
He opened his emails first, knowing that Amanda would have emailed them last thing before she left for the day with an update. He tried not to look at the subjects as a stream of emails filled his inbox, instead searching for Amanda’s name and clicking open the most recent one.

He tilted the screen away before it appeared and looked at Julian. “Want me to read you what she says?”  
  
Julian looked frozen for a moment before nodding slowly. Noel couldn’t help but reach over and drop a kiss on his lips before turning back to his phone. He stared at the screen for a long time, reading the words over to be sure he understood them properly. When he was nervous he sometimes skipped over words and the meaning was lost. He read it again before turning to Julian.  
  
“It says,” he started, “Nothing but support and congratulations from all planned and in progress projects. Nothing to report. Go and enjoy your weekend.”  
  
Julian frowned at him and grabbed at his phone. He pulled it close to his face because he still refused to admit that he needed glasses and squinted at the screen. “Fuck,” he breathed after a moment. He let out a breath that was almost a laugh before closing his eyes. They shone when he opened them again. “Thank fuck for that.”  
  
Noel laughed, feeling light and happy. He hadn’t realised quite how concerned he’d been until seeing the words directly from Amanda. No doubt there were negatives she was keeping from them in the short term, but he was sure she’d stick to her promise to keep to the facts and not sugar coat any rejections they received off the back of the announcement. It was especially important to Julian, who no doubt had a list of names he kept somewhere for when the time came for payback. He pulled Julian into a tight hug and they stayed like that for a long time, breathing in the comfort and relief of the moment.  
  
“Shall we check Twitter or something too?” he asked when they pulled back.  
  
Julian shook his head. “No, let’s just do a few messages and go back to sleep.”  
  
They ended up on the sofa, with Julian’s head pillowed on Noel’s lap. His feet stuck off the end, but he seemed happy enough and it meant Noel could play with his hair while he read. It was nice. He had an obscene amount of texts and emails to filter through. He felt overwhelmed as he scrolled through, opening the ones that caught his eye. Someone had sent him a link to a Buzzfeed article called, “Simply the best posts about Noelian being confirmed”. He grinned at the name, knowing Julian would loath it. He was only three posts in before he was crying, so he had to put his phone down.  
  
“You okay?” Julian asked, looking up from his own phone. When he saw Noel’s face he scrambled to sit up. “What’s happened?” he asked.  
  
“Nothing,” Noel said, smiling and wiping his eyes. “Just people are being so nice… I didn’t think…” he trailed off, not sure what he thought, but knowing they had support from their fans made him feel overwhelmed.  
  
Julian rolled his eyes. “You’re such a sap,” he said, looking fond even as he did.  
  
He laughed, relief and exhaustion were making him feel giddy. “This is going to be okay, isn’t it?”  
  
Julian smiled at him. “I think it is, yeah,” he said.  
  
They went back to reading through messages. There were one or two that were less than friendly, either because he hadn’t told them personally or some other perceived slight. But otherwise it was pretty much an outpouring of support. He assumed Julian had received the same because he didn’t tut in annoyance or fly into a rage. In fact, when Noel looked down at him, he was fast asleep. He smiled, feeling touched and fond and hopelessly, completely in love.  
  
It was time to stop for the night, but first he logged into Twitter. He ignored his messages and feed to type out a tweet thanking everyone for their support. He was about the close the app when he noticed that Julian had tweeted too. It just read "Follow your happiness. Thank you all" It was oblique but still clear what it was about, especially because it referenced their statement. He grinned happily and leant back slightly on the sofa. He angled the camera carefully so that the side of Julian's head was just in shot with him. He took a moment to pose himself and snapped a picture. He grinned happily at the result. The light was soft and Julian was mostly a blur at the bottom of the photo, but he loved it.  
  
He opened Instagram and uploaded it. He paused for a moment to consider the caption before smiling and typing out "Happiness x". He grinned to himself and turned his phone back off.  
  
They should go back to bed. It was time to start living the rest of their lives. There was the Boosh tour to consider and maybe even some real film roles. But mostly, there was Julian. Just twenty years later he'd got everything he ever wanted. It felt pretty great.  
  
  
THE END


End file.
